maybe I am just the problem in everything, I'm the common denominator in all my problems

my mum gets annoyed that I don't speak to my sister but my mum also tells me what I am and am not allowed to say to my sister so I can't win... she acts like it's my fault that we're not close but it's not, I always blame myself for pretty much everything but I 100% am not taking the blame for this

I really miss being 17, I think I mainly miss being in college and being part of a community and having friends, nowadays I only speak to my boyfriend and my parents, that's literally it other than health professionals which is never a pleasant experience... I was still really anxious and struggled with my mental health back then but nowhere near as much as now, and I used to think that as soon as I asked for professional help I'd be able to feel better, whereas now I just feel hopeless and helpless... obviously being 17 came with it's own stresses and anxieties but looking back I just miss that period of life

I'm really really struggling and I just don't know what to do and noone can help me, people say to ask for help if you need it but they can't do anything and it's so shit to know that, to ask for help and noone can

I miss old social media where people would just post random stuff that they were thinking or doing, all my feeds are ads or random posts that the algorithms are pushing on me now and I rarely see posts from people I actually know

there's so many places I want to go but I can't drive and it's too difficult to get to many places on public transport (somewhere that would be 3 hours in a car is 7 hours on public transport for example) frustrating, I wish I could get over my fear of driving

feeling frustrated with myself because other people have been through much more/worse stuff than I have so why can't I cope... I piss myself off like why can't I just be happy and calm

I miss my old self so much, I miss how motivated I was at uni and how independent I was, I wish I could go back and do a masters degree but I just don't know how now because I've forgot everything I learned for the 3 years at uni, and I don't know how to get myself back up to the level I used to be able to do maths at so that I could keep up with a masters course, and my motivation and energy levels are so low these days, and I still can't even get a bus on my own, let alone get myself to university for lectures :( I feel frustrated and trapped by myself

Everything is a lot at the minute, my head isn't good and I feel lonely and I feel like it's my own fault and I'm overthinking a lot of stuff from the past and it's making me sad :(