girl failure

i’ve already decided i’d be friends with everyone from the club from my city so now this includes her i guess…. i could not befriend her but it feels mean and she’s super cool so. why would i not i guess.

we yap on the internet in dms and i’d be lying if i said i don’t wait on her every message like a fucking dog i’m pathetic this is dumb.

i hate it when this happens i find a lot of people attractive why is this so ridiculous i hate it here. whatever i wanna be friends that’s it. i texted her asking if she was going to our friends birthday thing cause it’s over july 4th weekend and im not sure if she has like. holiday plans with other friends or smth so idk….. i need to know so i can bring a phone charm for her from taiwan… i got everyone little gifts!! if she’s not going idk how imma give it to her icl,, ill prolly just hand it off to one of the others to give to her when they see her cause they’ll see her more than me. unfortunate if she doesn’t go though cause it’d have been fun to beach with all of them :/// oh well still excited to hang out with everyone though!!

also i suppose update on my doomed yuri situation: im over it and have progressed in healing. mico you’ve read me yet again everyone stream your favorite flowers!!! it wasn’t easy but at some point i definitely did decide that i was upset at being angry and sad all the time, so i got over it. once we were talking about how she feels bad that she won’t be able to share her culture with her mans after a pretty hilarious phone call with her cousins where they all reacted pretty typically about the situation (confused reactions “white man?? straight??” type shit) and i felt nothing. like first of all girl we tried to tell u but whatever and second, talking to her about it was. normal. natural. it didn’t feel bad nor did it really feel like i was drowning in water that i’d never be able to swim in. i was afloat. drifting, maybe, but not drowning. and i think that’s huge progress.

now i can confidentially say that. i’ve healed. i hope her relationship goes well even if i and my other friends don’t see it happening, but this is her canon event. i hope she finds it eventful. i have no regrets and im glad i realized i had feelings for her. it showed me a lot about myself and honestly, not that i needed proof, was my first wlw experience like. in a serious manner and confirmed that i am right about who i am. i realized that the way i experience these emotions are intense and abnormal due to my childhood, and i don’t think it won’t ever feel that way, and thats okay. i know by now that my feelings is how i process my thoughts and my emotional regulation and control has always been pretty good. i just hope it continues to be this way.

most importantly it showed me that i have control over what i do and i am learning to love selflessly, instead of just thinking about what i want. i think this is why im so hesitant on fine shyt because i need to know if what i feel is just me being over dramatic and intense in the way i am, or if its something more. it scares me, truly, because this feels different from the doomed yuri, and feels…i don’t know. it just feels different, but it’s scary nonetheless. but i guess the difference is, there’s less factors stressing me out so there’s less stopping me from being impulsive,, though im not really being impulsive!! i’m just trying to be friends 😕😕😕 but even making friends is kinda scary when it’s intentional like this. i’m ngl all of them have me stressing a bit cause i don’t. do very well when i try to chalant about things like these 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ but i try!!!

i suppose what i mean is there’s less stopping me from having to shut my emotions down. i have more freedom to feel things without restraint and it’s HIGHKEY IRRITATING MEEE but whatever. i also think a lot of it comes from the uncertainty and new experience of it all.

either way, that’s life rn!! just came back from asia for like three weeks and it was AWESOME!!! but raining. i got athletes foot but im ok now lol.

i don’t wanna say anything though cause it’d be a distraction from,., the real issues.

then when a friend says they’re going to do work with them in the labs before our design meeting and i agree stupidly because my brain short circuited and now here i am having to watch all of them spill the beans to everyone and im just sitting here like 😀. like why is life playing in my face rn. this is not fucking fair. what did i even do to deserve this.

and they’re talking about doing a fucking formal meeting for the gang and i’m not emotionally equipped to be dealing with this ever and i don’t even know what to do.

i need to be normal because people will notice if i’m not normal and i need to be happy because im just SOOOOO glad everything worked out for them like truly they are a match made in heaven for sure.

and i want nothing more than to talk to bro and be with bro again just like old times but i can’t because now i wont be able to get these emotions out of me to the point where i can be normal again and its going fuck. me. up.

how am i supposed to be happy like everyone else when all i can think about is having to lie to everyone for probably the rest of my life. i’m not stupid enough to believe that i won’t ever get over this but at this very moment it feels like i wont unless i distance myself from my friends which i really dont want to do because i love them. but i dont know what else or how else to deal with this. because everyone is so happy for them and i should be too but im just. all im thinking about is lying. and keeping a secret that can never get out. and i can’t even talk to them because i don’t want to put them in a position that is awkward and.

honestly maybe apart of me is afraid of what they’ll have to say. that maybe they’ll tell me i’m being ridiculous. and that i need to get over it and suck it up. i don’t think they would but. i don’t know. i’m overthinking it.

it doesn’t change the fact that they need to be happy for her because i can’t. and the only way in my mind that i can truly keep this from being problematic and about me is. by never telling them. any of them.

so i’m going to have to distance myself and make them think that maybe i’ve moved on. that i’ve made better friends or that ive found people beyond them and left them behind. because it’s the only way. but i don’t want them to think i left them and i don’t want them to think that im not prioritizing them anymore especially not before im fucking graduating and LEAVING EVERYONE.

and maybe the root of all of these emotions is the fact that i’m graduating and i just really wanted to live in the bubble ive created here for a few more months. where i have everyone and everyone has me, and maybe im just extra dramatic because im just worried about this being that big to tear me away from them because at the end of the day, not saying anything makes me the villain in the situation. the one who isn’t happy. the one who isn’t normal.

WHAT am i even supposed to say that i went to bed with a fucking headache and was awake at 10:30 am but then all of a sudden it’s 1:28 pm and i don’t know where the fuck the time went????????? BRO I DDINT OICK UP THE PGONE. I DIDNT. IM FREAKING THE FUCK OJT THIS IS SO GROSS IM GOING TO DIE

she just called me apparently i’m fine but also my excuse sounds so dumb and it is dumb. because IM. DUMB.