Lo.

It’s been awhile. I don’t know what my last update was so I will start from the beginning. This is more of a journal for me than it is for other people. I have always used Tumblr as my out away from my life. That’s why no one knows i am on here. 

Devin and I got divorced finally in 2019. I haven’t really thought about her at all since long before then. My heart will ache occasionally thinking about all the toxic things we had said and done to each other but I used to be able to be grateful for them thinking they all brought me to where I am today and where she is today... which she seems happy. I thought I loved her, and I might have. But this new heartbreak is like nothing I have ever felt in my life.

My mother has come back to NC to get sober. She has relapsed a couple of times. It is likely when she stayed with us for a month that it had something to do with the final string being cut in my marriage, but whats meant to be will aways be anyways right? 

I guess now we want to hear about me... Well... I met a guy in 2017, his name is Max. I wasn’t ready yet to commit but I fell in love so fast I couldn’t imagine being without him. It all started out with red flags all over the place, I don’t know why I stayed then. Two months after we met we moved in together, and I worked towards half custody of his son Jaxon. I think that was when my maternal switch flipped and I realized I was ready to be a mom, not a crazy party girl anymore. We started trying for a baby before we were even together for 6 months. In 2018 we opened up a CBD dispensary together and got engaged. I found out a few days after our engagement that I was pregnant with our first son. My pregnancy with him was completely miserable. We bought our first home together in May of 2019. With the stress of the new home and the business there was really no time for me to focus on myself or my pregnancy. Max lost attraction to me almost immediately. I could feel it, but he wouldn’t admit to it. It was after I had Declan that I found out that he had been sexting a woman named Haley and was texting his ex Morgan about how he wished he was still with her. When I found this out declan was less than 4 months old. The night I found out I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I stayed for our family. Another miserable pregnancy feeling like I was never good enough for him. I think Christopher was the only thing holding our marriage together during those months. Christopher was born in 2020. Life got harder after that. In 2021 we took over a bar, and I knew it was a terrible idea but Max really wanted this opportunity so I tried. I think he got a taste of the nightlife again and he craved that, instead of wanting to settle down anymore with his family. He slowly started to resent me every night that he was stuck at home instead of out at the bar with the DJs playing. Things were getting bad again with us, he came home one morning and admitted that he was losing physical attraction to me. That he didn’t like how I looked anymore. That I had gained too much weight from the pregnancies. That I wasn’t social enough for him anymore. A week or so after that I tested positive, I was pregnant again. With this being my last baby I was excited. I wanted to finally have a good pregnancy. Be able to sit back while my businesses prospered and enjoy my family and my pregnancy. It wasn’t long before I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, and put onto insulin. For months I had been warning Max that the bar is drowning but he refused to get rid of the bar. He started to grow more and more distant from me. He was going out with his friends and getting crazy drunk on the weekends, even not coming home one night. I thought he just needed to get it out of his system, but I was wrong. We found a new home and started to prepare ours to sell when he went on a trip to the bahamas for 4 days with his buddy leaving me with our two toddlers and his 11 year old. I had to prepare by myself and had no one to watch the kids. He called me twice, both times you could tell it was forced. He didn’t want to call me but felt like he had to. Some time between him leaving and coming back I guess he had decided he didnt want to be married to me anymore. When he got back he didnt even want to be around me. He found every reason to be in a different room. Finally I left and came home while he stayed at his moms. He didn’t chase after me. He didn’t care. 

Well after days and days of breaking down I got us in to see a marriage counselor yesterday, only to realize I was going to leave anyways. If I gave this man 3 businesses, 2 children, and an amazing carefree life for 5 years and I didn’t walk away any of the times he cheated or treated me badly, but he was able to walk away the minute he wasnt interested anymore.... I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to live the rest of my life worried that if I don’t have makeup on he will think I am ugly. That if I am over a certain weight that he wont love me anymore. That if I tell him how I feel about something and he doesnt like it he will just leave me. It was so easy for him. It was all too familiar to me. When asked what he wouldnt change about me in our marriage, he could only say that I was a good mother and business partner. I don’t know if it was that or the therapist saying that at any time we can say this is a hard boundary and if you cant accept that then I cant be with you and walk away from the marriage knowing we tried that made everything click for me, but I left knowing that Max wasn’t coming home. I sat in my car for a very long time going through the motions of knowing my kids wont be with me 24/7 anymore, instead they will have split time between two homes with separate values. That some day Max will grow up and decide he wants the family life, he will find another woman who will cuddle with my sons when they are sick and come the their school graduations and what if shes not a good woman? Then theres Jaxon, who I have been a mother to for 5 years now, almost half of his life. How is he going to handle another divorce and another move? He is such a sensitive person. His heart is going to break and I know mine will too. The hardest part of it all is that one day my kids will look at me and say, Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce? I will have to look at them and say I have no idea. One day daddy came home and decided this wasn’t the life he wanted, or atleast that he didnt want this life with me. There is no real reason behind it. I always knew that there was a huge gap in our love for eachother. I loved him to the ends of the earth. I would have given him my entire life if he asked for it. He could never do the same for me, not even close. 

My life is pretty turned upside down right now, but I got through it before and I will get through it again. I just wish my kids weren’t having to deal with the consequences of something they had nothing to do with. But I know that I deserve to be loved and loved right. If you love someone you don’t hurt them like this. 

It’s 1 o clock now and my kids get up in about an hour so I need to take a breath and wipe my face. I don’t want them to see me sad. I did send Max to his moms with all of the bar paperwork and a separation agreement I wrote last night for him  to add anything in that he would like changed.