being home for the holidays could not be any more perfect. it almost feels too good to be true. i came in expecting a blow up and i am honestly still expecting one, but the truth is Jesus has just really blessed my family. the atmosphere is pleasant and the joy is almost tangible. i can see him working in the hearts of my parents/ sisters and i can feel him working in my own heart to give me patience, love, and understanding. i feel truly happy. it’s a christmas miracle!

on top of gifting me provision in my family life, He has also revealed a plan for my professional life. God is such a riot. it seems every time i say “i will NEVER be/ do this” he smirks at me and says “we’ll see.” i said i’d never go to UR, i said i’d never go to grad school, i said i’d never be a teacher. but he had other plans. last week, as i was grading my students’ reflections, he said-- clear as day-- “i didn’t send you to Amherst to be a poet. I sent you to be a teacher.” ??!?!?!?!? i instantly felt an overwhelming sense of peace, joy, and excitement. i am going to teach! i have no idea where or what or how or for whom, but that’s what’s next.

i realized that most of the things i like to do aren’t really the things i want to be doing. i’m a creature of habit. i like to wake up in the morning around 9-10 and have a cup of coffee and peruse social media. when i go to bed, i like to watch netflix until 12-1am. i don’t work out much, and when i do it’s a hot yoga class whenever it’s convenient at home. i don’t exercise in MA. my “ideal” off-day looks a lot like this, but i feel so much better after a busy, productive day, even if it’s draining. being lazy is only truly relaxing after you’ve earned it and i hardly ever earn it.

i don’t read. i’m an MFA candidate and i have not one but multiple stacks of unread books. i hardly ever even write! but i LOVE reading and writing. i love the feeling i get when i finish a book or write a good poem. i don’t particularly enjoy exercising, but i love the feeling of completing a workout. and i’m ashamed to admit i don’t even open my bible everyday, but i feel complete when my spirit aligns with The Word. i always default to the easy, lazy, more passive activities, even though i get more enjoyment and worth out of things i have to work towards, which is how God designed us to be!

i’m really not good at making drastic changes in my life. i always want fast results even though i know it doesn’t work that way. but i know God can build my endurance for these changes, especially if it’s work towards His kingdom. my mom got me a book for christmas that lists tenants of how to live a godly life through things like ethic and i’m really excited to read that. and since i know i’m a creature of habit, i’ve been trying to change my habits. this week i’ve been reading a book i’ve been trying to finish for years instead of watching netflix at night and i finished it today! and i deleted apps off my phone that were only distracting time-wasters. i’m also looking to join a gym when i get back to MA and i already asked bish to be my accountability partner.

The car is completely totaled. I was driving my mom’s two-year old civic and the front is destroyed. BUT the other 2 vehicles managed to go without a scratch (I guess I’m getting a hitch on my car??) The guys were also super nice about it. They convinced me it wasn’t my fault, offered me a jacket (and a cigarette), and made as light of the situation as possible. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a better two people to endure this trauma with.

We also met two different cops (a county and a state policeman) who were both extremely kind and considerate. The state cop who wrote the report gave me a ticket for following too closely (not for causing a crash) since I had a perfect driving record, which I can erase from my record if I take a 4-hour driving class. That literally could have ended so badly for me if it had been a different cop.

Lastly, I had to tell my mom, which I was most terrified about. My dad called her and-- obviously-- her first instinct was to ask if I was okay. Then she freaked out a little bit when he told her about the car itself... but she never really got mad about it??? She just said she was going to be hyper-cautious from now on (and if you know anything about my mother, you know she is already hyper-cautious). She is upset and stressed about the insurance situation but I expected more of a “if that car accident didn’t kill me, she’s definitely gonna” kinda reaction.