an exalted existence.

  I’m running out of pages in this journal, so I suppose this will be my last entry. Claude has given me another as a gift, so I will turn to that soon. A full year of my thoughts, written in prose and poetry alike, have been solidified in ink.

   The man who authored the first pages is a different person from myself– or, at least, I would like to think so. I would like to imagine that my growth has been real, and not something conjured up in a hopeful dream. Perhaps the existence of my next journal alone is proof of that.

   Truthfully, there are days when I look in the mirror and no longer recognize my reflection: not for any significant physical change, but for a shift in self-perception. There are days when I look into my own eyes and wonder why a man stares back at me. Those days are few and far between, though, and I still spend more time wondering if I’m just scrambling for an escape from the expectations of manhood as a whole: from everything that has been imposed upon me since my father first assured me I would lead the Alliance.

tumblr: what if i fucking posted it. what if i just did that. what if i did that and you didn’t notice

the muse page i have now is kind of a holdover from twitter/neocities so the aesthetic doesn’t match bwuhh

   The fact that Claude and Lorenz shared a wall had once infuriated them, but nowadays, the close proximity was more than welcome. There was rarely a chance to catch Claude alone between their own busy schedule and the crowds of class and the dining hall.

   This meant the only real time they had to candidly speak with him was after everyone else had retired to their rooms, after the candle clock on their dresser had been worn down to the last notch and the first dregs of ill-timed sleep pulled at them.

   Preemptively dressed down for bed, they snuck out the door to their own room (as if anyone actually cared about curfew at this point) and strode the three yards or so it took to reach Claude’s door, knocking thrice.

To my dearest Mother,

  Soon, my journal will run out of pages, and I’ll tuck it into the bottom drawer of my desk, along with every letter I’ve written to you. Perhaps my words will never reach you– you’re farther away than I could have ever imagined, and I assume the Great Goddess Messenger has better things to do than pass along the sentiments of a lonely child.

  Even still, there are so many things I wish to ask you. Did you ever fall in love, Mother? What does it feel like? Is your answer different than mine?

  I teetered on the edge of the abyss for so long! When I fell in love, I fell headfirst into the deep unknown. With my eyes clenched shut, I thought something down there would swallow me whole, or burrow into my stomach and eat me alive from the inside out.

  Yet, when I opened my eyes, the unknown glittered with a thousand lights. Had the sun polluted the sky so greatly that it blinded me from the stars?

  The North Star opened my chest– my soul tore itself from my throat as he cradled my still-beating heart in his hands. I could do nothing but weep silently and think: Am I truly a man worth holding so gently, if I am indeed a man at all?

  Even now, I can still do nothing but watch, waiting, wondering if one day his arms will grow tired and he’ll crush my core, letting me bleed out into the seeming nothingness of the glittering abyss.

  I hope that he never does. I hope that one day, I find the courage to bring my star to you, and I hope that when I do, I will shine just as brightly as he does.

(art credit: yours truly)

   ❝Well, I suppose I— Wait, why are you reading my poetry? Where did you even get that?!❞

ok actually i can't dedicate myself to aesthetics uhh. hi! i'm leo, i'm returning to tumblr after a 4+ year hiatus, and iiii’m giving tumblr rp a shot again, too! 

i’ve been rping lorenz since before the game’s release, so i’ve got a relative wealth of experience, and i’m really not that selective, so please feel free to hit me up to rp! 💜