LorenSCole

I missed that at the time.

I hate that. I felt like

I couldn’t begin to describe your freckle-draw of my face to your face.

Me: “Yeah! I saw you! You were the best thing that ever happened for me, I just didn’t know it. I have been screaming about it ever since. Nobody can hear me because I just scream inside like and indoor voice. But, I scream about you like a thrill on a rollercoaster and like being scooped and twirled like on a dance floor in the 50’s, like being picked up at three years old in my mothers arms and being spun around in the midst of the trees at the park with your glee in my own eyes’ reflection. … Yeah! I saw… you. You were healing and all of the therapy that I could want. I just.. I messed it up. Nobody else. Just me. I can’t believe I threw it all away. And you and I both know that ‘sorry’ doesn’t cut it. And, the real shitty part, if we are being honest, I can’t pay you back for it. I can’t. And, oh God!, I want to, but I can’t. I don’t know how, I don’t know where to even begin to pay you back. So, I just scream. In my head, I scream. I scream at myself and punish my self for shit I can’t even pay back. And, I know. I know, Jesus did what He did. And, I’m still trying to pay Him back too; for His lost (seemingly) wasted time on me. And just to be clear, He hasn’t lost me…it’s just really hard to follow Him when you keep fucking up… and the crazy part is?… He already knew you were going to fall short…sooooo short. I don’t like disappointing Him or you. Thankfully, I don’t have to ‘wean’ myself from Him like I’m probably going to with you. He’ll always be there; but, you won’t. It’s so hard to think and try to live this life without you but, because of Him, it’s possible. It’s just so frustrating falling in front of you and failing in front of you when want to be so great and strong and helpful and not weak. It seems mythical and even dreamy and winsome to be able to be free within that, with you.

I was burying my head around in this bed. That doesn’t matter much. She’s not here. She probably won’t be and never will be again. That’s a hard bed to lay in. That thought will take me years to reconcile. I won’t beat myself to death over it but I’ll be a while still. It’s just hard to explain how you miss someone and it might just be your own damn fault. Just takes a while.

I wish I would have believed you when you told me you loved me. I played the fool and the whore because I didn’t trust you. Memory is a horrid and blessed thing at the same time sometimes.

I’d have done it again

It takes a long time to get old.