All Hail Lord Voldemort

In all the insanity and chaos, Lucius Malfoy’s 5 nuclear weapons conveniently exploded when he showed them to the cabinet. Lord Voldemort was also very conveniently not in the country. Voldemort’s Cabinet is no more and you are all dead.  

A crazy and utterly revealing expose of the whole Cabinet has been published by Mad Eye Moody, the main excerpts are reproduced below:

1. Umbridge: “I am willing to play both sides to get my power back” she said before becoming Minister. She also said “I unofficially want to kill Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort”

2. Bellatrix: She wants to kill everyone, especially including all the Death Eaters and wants to stay loyal to Voldemort. GENOCIDE PLANNER.

3. Snape: He has been playing everyone the entire time, especially by protecting Harry, Neville, Ron, and Hermione. He is loyal to Dumbledore and will never change his mind. 

4. Karkaroff: Leaked questionable photos. He also recruited Death Eaters for his own personal usage. 

5. Lucius: Terribly unfaithful to his wife, cheatin’ on everyone. Leaked information about Umbridge. Wants to blow up the world with multiple nukes.

6. Amycus Carrow has been recruiting centaurs and other magical beasts for unknown reasons. Suspicious things were done all over Europe.

7. Alecto Carrow: Crazy psycho. Responsible for genocide everywhere, tortured numerous people, wants to become a global dictator, one country at a time. All hail Queen Qarrow! 

He is in Albania, from what intel states. 

Early this morning, a team of Aurors broke down Rita Skeeter’s door and arrested her on the charge of being an unregistered Animagus. Apparently the Ministry received an anonymous tip.

Rita is currently sitting in a comfy Azkaban cell, scribbling furiously on her cell walls in her own blood. Dementors report that an unflattering biography of the Dark Lord is in the works. If she ever escapes, she isn’t destined for a long life.

On another note, Ron and Hermione are still alive and (allegedly) in the Forest of Dean.  They are currently under a Protection Spell that protects them from being sensed by hostile strangers.

Minerva McGonagall is DEAD! The 61-year-old was poisoned at her home while she took her evening tea, the autopsy stated. 

New positions in the Ministry and at Hogwarts:

Minister of Magic- Dolores Umbridge

Minister of Muggle Management- Amycus Carrow

Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite the Wizarding elite.

Hermione is sporting a new locket and a new diadem. Ron is sure a great boyfriend (Where is he getting all the money from?? Robbery at Gringotts??) 

xoxo

Umbridge and Moody’s questionable pictures were released by Witch Weekly and are causing her campaign to tarnish. Whoops.

Dolores released her platform-

"My platform includes providing the best education possible for Hogwarts students and expanding the international co-operation between schools. I also plan to handle the on-going violence."