Respectfully, In Tears

Heel to toe.

Heel to toe.

Wait for it.

Don’t rush it.

Don’t slow down.

Don’t lean out.

Keep in.

Heel to toe.

Don’t wipe out.

The only thoughts repeating in Jason’s head are like a mantra. The moment his skate hit the ice again, he knew it wasn’t right even before Bruce called out.

“You’re pre-rotating! Don’t skid your takeoff, keep it clean!”

The man began skating over to him, giving Jason only a moment to prepare for the disappointment in Bruce’s expression. When he finally stopped in front of him, Jason was surprised to find there was none, only the face of a man deep in thought. When their eyes met, it was hard for him not to look away. It was as though Bruce was studying him, trying to find out what made him tick.

“Jason…”

He swallowed. “Coach?”

“Is something, say, bothering you? Distracting you maybe?”

Aw hell, he seriously thought it was because he wasn’t focused? It was hard to get a jump like that when your whole life depends on it, why couldn’t Bruce just understand?

“Nah, B. I’m good. Probably something up with my skates. Actually, ya know what? I’ll just go retie ’em real quick.”

“Jason-“

“Don’t worry, Bruce! It’ll only be a sec!” And Jason was already speeding off the ice and into the locker rooms.

Dumping himself onto a bench, he took a moment to catch his breath. Head leaning against the wall behind him, the cool brick— or whatever it was— felt like heaven against his sweaty hair. Jason’s eyes shut for a moment, replaying the sequence in his head.

He needed that double axel. If he didn’t get the 2A, then he’d never get the 3A. If Jason doesn’t land that 3A in competition, Bruce won’t see the point in keeping him. He couldn’t fail, not when everything depended on it.

Life at the manor made him realize just how much he lacked living with Willis and on the streets. The man earned just enough to fund Jason’s skating and his mother’s addiction but fell short completely in the parenting apartment. The goal before he was arrested was to take the total share of Jason’s money from sponsors and place rewards. Before.

Bruce was like a father to him even before he was adopted. Constantly saying how proud he was of Jason, hugging him when he reached a milestone, and even celebrating his 11th birthday when Willis forgot.

He was 14 now and still didn’t have his double axel. Jason wasn’t stupid. He knew people took years to get their double and triple A. It didn’t matter. If Jason wasn’t skating, if he wasn’t winning, then Bruce wouldn’t see the point in keeping him around.

If only it wasn’t so hard, but no. It was always pre-rotated. Under-rotated. Over-rotated. Waxel. Check the arms. Nothing was ever right.

Except for the one time.

A perfect takeoff, 2.5 rotations, and a perfect landing. He’d done it all while he was sick and shown up to practice anyway, too delusional to think about his mental block and simply going for it without a care in the world besides the migraine in his head.

Bruce had cheered for him up until the moment he realized Jason had hidden being sick from him.

He did it once, why can’t he just do it again?

“Hey, JayBuddy!”

Jason nearly slammed his head against the wall as he jolted, eyes opening in a panicked array. His vision centered on Dick Grayson.

“Woah, hey, relax. Sorry I scared ya.” The smile never left his face.

Jason scowled.

Dick. Fucking. Grayson.

Possibly the worst part about living with Bruce was his other kid. The ever-annoying man never knew when to stop teasing, and made his disdain for Jason obvious. Dick didn’t even live with Bruce anymore, but he always made time to visit just to piss Jason off. This was even without the constant comparisons made by the man.

‘Struggling with your 2A, Jason? I could do my 3A at your age!’

Or

‘Oooo tough wipeout on your quad salchow. Ya know, that’s my signature jump.’

Jason hated the man, no matter how much the papers emphasized that they were brothers.

“What do you want, dickface.”

The older boy made an expression of mock offense, even going so far as to lay a hand over his heart.

“I’m wounded, Jason, truly. You realize this is a public locker room, right? I can be here if I want.”

Jason rolled his eyes, moving to redo the laces on his skates despite not needing to. He barely bit back the series of curses when he heard Dick set down his back beside him and take a seat to Jason’s left. He’d come to find that the best thing to do was to ignore him.

“Though, with how long that double is taking, I’d wanna hide too.”

But that would only work if Jason was good at ignoring people who pissed him off. He wasn’t.

Jason nearly stood right up before remembering that his laces were completely loose and setting himself back down. Dick’s cheery expression did little to hide the man’s malicious intentions.

“Fuck off, asshole! It’s not that easy!”

He set to work on the first pair of laces.

“Isn’t it? I got mine in a year. Less if you don’t include the times Bruce made me do it in a harness.”

Jason fumbled with the hooks in his anger, loosening the whole thing and having the start over.

“I guess that’s what you get for stealing my place while I was gone though.”

It had been a sore spot for both of them. After Bruce got Jason off the streets after 2 years of not seeing the boy, they were quick to return to training. When Dick returned from a sponsor trip abroad, he wasn’t the happiest upon seeing that some kid he didn’t know took all of his practice slots.

Jason willed himself not to let the liquid collecting in his eyes fall. He simply moved on to the next skate.

“That it? You’re not gonna argue back? Maybe tell me about how much of an ass I’m being again?”

It was getting harder to hide the quiver in his lip.

“None of your sarcastic responses?”

“What do you want me to say, Dick?” Nothing was more embarrassing to Jason than the shakiness of his own voice. He felt Dick’s shadow over him lean back and out of his space.

“What? Hey, kid. Are you crying?”

Jason tugged on the final knot of his laces and stood up, glaring at the stunned man through his blurry vision.

“I hate you! You don’t even know how lucky you are!”

Any part of the older man’s expression that showed guilt dissipated in a quick second, quick to fire back.

“And you aren’t? Don’t act like it’s so easy for me!”

And now Jason couldn’t stop himself from letting everything stream out, like a raging waterfall trying to escape from a stuttering source.

“You don’t have to fight for your home! You’re already B’s son! Why do I gotta fight to have a place to sleep? Nail every stupid jump and sequence or else Bruce is gonna send me back! And because you’re such an ass-, you just gotta rub it in my face! I get it, okay?” He cringed at how his voice cracked but pushed through anyway.

“I’m not good enough to be his kid!”

And finally, Dick had no more left to say, just the face of shock as Jason gathered his things and rushed out of the room.

There wasn’t time for Jason to dwell on it. He had a practice to return to.

As soon as he was a safe distance away from both Dick and Bruce, hidden in the corner by the water fountains and vending machines, Jason wiped away his tears and tugged his jacket back on.

And so after he returned, they ran through it again and again. There was always some mistake, some issue Jason couldn’t seem to get under control without a new one popping in. Fall after fall, failure after failure. By the time the whistle rang for them to clear the ice, Jason’s knees and elbows showed promise of nasty bruises for the next day.

He rushed to get his shoes on, cringing at the sight of his red ankles. Bruce was already waiting for him in the car and the rink was basically empty aside from the Zamboni driver on the ice.

Before he could push out of the locker room, a hand on his shoulder shoved him back in. Jason quickly regained his balance before he looked up to see who it had been.

“What the hell, Dick!” He nearly shrieked, ready to tear into the man. Before his mouth even opened, Dick cut him off.

“Sit down. We need to talk.”

Jason’s expression hardened. His eyes narrowed in on Dick’s equally serious ones.

“I got nothing to say to you.” He tried to go around the man but Dick’s hand fell on his shoulder again and pulled him back.

“Great. That means you’ll be able to listen.”

Jason scoffed, relenting. He sat down on the bench and folded his arms, Dick taking the seat across from him. He raised an eyebrow for the older man to speak.

“I think—you and I— we got off to a bad start,” he began, giving Jason a look before the boy could get out his sarcastic remark, “and there are some things we need to work through.”

“Now, I won’t sugarcoat it, Jason. I don’t like you, I don’t like that you’re in any part of my life.”

“FYI, just so you know, you’re doing a pretty shit job at ‘working things through.’”

Dick gave him a pointed look before Jason rolled his eyes and zipped it.

“But,” he continued, “you’re also still supposed to be my brother, and it was wrong of me to comment on your progress or why you were adopted. I was just trying to hit you where it hurts and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

Jason gaped at him, rushing to school his expression before urging Dick to continue. Clearly, the man still had more to say, what with the way he was nervously picking at his nails.

“About what you said earlier…the, uh, part about staying with Bruce. You- don’t tell me you seriously think you have to fight for a place to live.”

His expression tightened, and Jason had to resist the urge to snarl back a nasty reply.

“Oh, shi- crap. Jason.”

The way Dick was looking at him made Jason want to run away from the whole conversation. Like he felt bad. Like he cared.

The man got up from the bench to kneel in front of Jason.

“If you don’t believe anything else I say, Jay, then you have to believe this. Bruce would never make you fight to stay with him. No matter how long you take, how much you fall or make mistakes, Bruce will never send you away. He won’t kick you out, he won’t make you work for his love, and if you wanted to quit skating altogether, you’d still be his son all the same. Nothing could make him send you away, I promise you that.”

The tears began welling in Jason’s eyes halfway through, and he willed himself not to let them fall. Every word was spoken with the utmost sincerity, and yet…

“Jason,” Dick whispered, heartbroken.

“You don’t know that!” Jason shouted, hands tightly gripping his pants. “You don’t!”

Dick gently placed his hands on Jason’s shoulders, his calm, sad eyes meeting Jason’s frustrated, fearful ones.

“You have a home to stay, Jay. You have a family. One that loves you, and if there’s even the chance Bruce goes crazy and says something, you’ll call me and I’ll take care of it.”

The dam finally broke, and Jason threw himself the rest of the way into Dick’s arms, face burying into his chest. His brother’s arms were quick to wrap around him, fingers passing through Jason’s hair.

“Shh…I know..it’s okay, bud, you’re okay.”

Once the tears were wiped and they both pulled away from the hug, Dick promised him that he’d be there for Jason from then on, that he’d become the big brother that he needed. Jason would hold him to it.

——Junior World Championships, Paris, France——

“An astounding program from 14-year-old debuting skater Jason Todd! A beautifully balanced mix of artistry and elements, we have watched as this young boy has shown us the skating skill that many desire and cannot come to par with. The double Axel was gorgeous! Though, without it being a triple, some wonder if it’ll be enough to guarantee Todd gold.”

In short; it wasn’t. Jason had placed 3rd overall and ran straight to the empty lobby before the medal ceremony. Arms wrapped tightly around himself, Jason nearly slid to the ground before a pair of strong arms wrapped around his frame.

“Jason!”

It was just Dick. Hugging him. After Jason placed third.

“Dick, what-?”

“I’m so so proud of you! That was awesome!” Dick pulled back, excitement turning into confusion upon seeing Jason’s downcast face.

“Jay? What’s wrong?”

He shrugged, lip trembling but no signs of tears to be found.

“I didn’t win. I didn’t have a triple Axel in time. If I could’ve just gotten that jump, I would’ve won!”

Dick sighed, connecting the rest of the pieces. His hands remained on Jason’s shoulders, grounding him.

“Little Wing,” a nickname Dick had given them shortly after their first time getting ice cream after practice together, “do you remember what I told you?”

Jason slowly nodded, hanging his head down and refusing to look back at Dick.

“I know.” His voice was little more than a whisper. “Logically, I know. But I still…”

Dick brushed a hand through Jason’s hair. He understood. You could know something, repeating it over and over in your mind like a mantra that it was the truth, but there would always be something in the back of your mind. An evil voice filling your mind with bearish thoughts and false realities.

“If I say you did amazing, how did you do?”

“…good?”

“No.”

“…amazing.” Jason tried again, head lifting enough for Dick to see his face entirely again.

“Exactly. You did amazing, Jay.” He smiled, leaning down to kiss Jason’s hair.

“Now, come on. You have a medal ceremony coming up and I can’t wait to celebrate with Nachos!”