the not so secret thoughts of a teenage nightmare

to think about the world

leaves them cringing with fear

scared of the curiosity

and what lies near

around the flowing river

we don’t ask where it ends

or why when we turn

the road never bends

they say what's new is good

while living in wires

but what if one day we come to see

wire after wire

we all still are liars

Hitting my skin and cleansing me from the past

These dark disasters seared into my bones

Branded by lies and pains and sorrows

Sorrys and goodbyes that were never enough

But the silver liquid placates my soul

Takes me to a paradise of endless serenity

Until the weight of it all finally lets go

And the cement that once solidified my lungs

Restricting my breath until I was left gasping

For her sweet release to take me away

Has finally been turned to dust

     And now once more I can breath

I feel like I am standing in a swimming pool.

 Sometimes I’m in the shallow end, where the water is uncomfortably warm and the sun burns just a tad too brightly. I’m very much aware of how rough the ground feels beneath my feet. I pay extra attention at how my body vanishes beneath the water, yet my top half remains dry and hanging awkwardly.

I feel on edge in this part of the pool.

I feel exposed.

I look out and I see all these other kids standing in the middle of the pool and I think to myself…

‘Wow. How do I get over there? How do I push myself over to them?’

And so I start to swim and I start to push and I force my feet to move forward.

I can feel the water slowly getting colder and colder. I can feel the water start creeping up the rest of my body, to the point where my feet can’t touch the ground anymore. And then I’m just here, floating in the coldest, deepest part of the pool. I have passed all the kids who now have their backs to me as they play happily in the middle of the pool. I suddenly become aware of how I can’t reach the ground anymore. Of how the water is so painfully cold it stings my skin and makes it hard to breathe. I slowly feel myself forget how to swim as I start to sink lower and lower down to the bottom of the pool. I don’t say anything to the kids who all have their backs to me. I just let the water drag me down. I let the cold bitterness fill my lungs as I try to gasp for air. 

So I sink down, down, down.

Until I am sitting at the bottom of the deep end.

And I can feel the darkness. And I can feel the cold. And I can feel the pressure of the water above me.

But I don’t do anything.

Because, quite frankly, as I am sitting here in this deep end of the pool, I don’t care.

I see myself down here and I am alone. No one searching for me, no one coming to join me.

I am all alone down here.

So why should I make an effort to swim up?

But then, eventually, I look up towards the surface and see how brightly the light is shining down into the water. The type of bright that when you look at you can almost feel the warmth of it. And I feel my heart yearning to be with that warmth, to follow that light up. I feel myself craving the air and begging for the sun to shine on my skin.

So I swim up, up, up.

Finally, I break the surface and I take my first real breath of air.

And it feels so goddamn good.

Then I see all of the other people still with their backs to me and I feel myself long to be with them.

So I start to swim and swim and swim some more, but I end up back in the shallow end and I see them all staring at me and I don’t know what to do because they are staring and whispering and laughing and pointing. And I start to swim towards them again.

The cycle just continues and continues and it never fucking stops.

I just wish I could grab a towel and leave this goddamn pool.