☼

“Woke up and looked out the window this morning to see these little guys“

Johnny Depp (via enemaroberts)

this is so important

“someone once told me, your poem doesn’t start until you start telling the truth. so i call this my first poem”.

let me tell you what i learnt about people.  no, not people in general, but the hard ones.  i don’t mean complicated or troubled, but hard as in tough, in all the wrong places.

when they flash you with a smile like the sun that creeps through your window when you just wake up, you know you should look away because it hurts your eyes, but you look anyways.  it shines, in all the rooms in your body that are lacking light.

so when they see you smiling back, they will string a constellation of pretty words along your spine, making you feel like they are the reason you are standing so bright,

and when you put a welcome sign in front of your heart,

that’s when they jaywalk through your chest

even though they have no intentions of staying

yet they will stay long enough for you to hand over your heart, like a piece of gold you’ve been treasuring your whole life,

and carelessly they take it because you are the type of gold they need to experience having-

so even though they know they will hurt you, they place you between their dirty fingers and

tell you something along the lines: “I’ve never felt so rich, like i have everything right here”.

and you want to say

“baby, you have everything, everything i am, right there, in that palm, please be careful”

but instead you kiss them and they kiss you back

and their hands start wandering the map of your body and all you could think of is

travelling never felt so cheap

but you let them,

And their mouth starts eating you up like you are every craving needed to satisfy their taste buds

and you let them,

because this is how you make a man happy. this is how you make a man love you.

and that’s when everything changes.

when they feel every edge that you handed over, when they touch every inch you offered humbly, when they get a good look at everything, your skin and bones and pulse and dust, when they realize how much this is,

how much of an earthquake and storm and tragedy you are,

it shakes them with the realization that the sun sets, and the shine isn’t permanent;

that’s when everything changes.  

that is when the pretty words start unraveling like the peal of a tangerine and the void of what they have to offer you back

hits your spine so hard you become one with the pavement and you wonder if you could ever get back up.

and when you realize they have no strength to help you back on your feet, when the fight and courage you thought they had isn’t there, they will leave you after saying something like “i can’t make you happy” and “you will find better than me”.

you will lie there, naked and cold and empty, and cry so hard your eyesight will be so blurry like your windshields don’t work and it’s raining so much but you keep going,

hoping the storm in your eyes would convince them to

come back. come back because if not, i don’t want this storm to ever end, i don’t want to see if you aren’t there to be seen.

you will ask why they did it. why did they come back, begging your love when they had no intention of loving you back.  no intention of keeping your gold heart safe,

instead,

after using it up, they throw it out like an old pair of jeans, although once a favourite,

and they will say,

“it just didn’t fit anymore”

like that makes all the sense in the world

and they won’t even look you in the eyes,

instead they will get angry that you are hurting.

they will try to settle the aches by telling you how much you meant to them, and how they had to give it another try just because

"it’s you. and it’s you and me”.

they will tell you something along the lines that

it’s not your fault, they just can’t love you, like their heart isn’t capable

and you just want to scream because you can’t understand

how a person can be so selfish that they had to manipulate you into loving them, only so they can experience a person with a heart likes yours, loving them.  how they admired your gold so much, they risked shattering it by taking it out of the safest place it can be placed in, knowing their body is a war zone. How their curiosity was more important than your togetherness. You wonder how selfish and hard a person must be to drink you from a shot glass they know they can’t handle, and when they throw you up the day after, how they just walk away without cleaning up the mess,

you wonder how a single moment like this can make you question the significance of your existence.

and that’s when everything changes.

they warn you

“i never lose”

and you realize it was always a game to them.  

how they watched you sacrifice and sacrifice and

give and give. how they just watched.

one minute they are holding you in their arms, as the beauty of the moon and the wishes of the stars melt onto their chest, and they are promising you mountains and oceans,

and the next they have you bowing to their toes, as they make you into nothing but the dirt that dirties their bare feet.

that’s when they walk away by walking over you like you are nothing but a spec of their past, something not worthy to be moved forward with.  one moment, they want to spend the rest of their life with you, but then, the moment they feel a little bit of fear and insecurity tingling in their throat, they pretend you are choking them and run away. without even having the decency or respect to let you go with kindness. gentleness. dignity.

and this is what i learnt when i learned about people like this:

after all this. after all the pulling and pushing. the grabbing and letting go.  the playing and carelessness.  The apathy. the taking and taking and taking .

This is what I learnt:

you are not a man because you claim to be one.

no.

when you do not know or recognize the value of a human heart, you should not be going around collecting them, to make up for the lack of yours.

they are not prized possessions.

when you cannot take responsibility for the scars you left on the body you undressed, played with, and then abandoned,

when you constantly look for fault in others to keep your ego untouched,

when your pretty words are nothing but pretty words, keep them.  stop spreading them around, making hearts believe you mean them, when the coward in you won’t make actions out of them.

this is what you taught me:

it is easier to spread my legs open with your bare hands, than to spread my skin open with your bare heart.  

strength is defined by pride and how many calls you can ignore and how many messages you can dismiss,

instead of picking up that phone, being the first call, the first message to say

sorry.

i’m sorry.

to the love that comes back after it was once lost-

this time, her pieces aren’t being picked up. they aren’t being put back together into human form so you can return back to again when it’s convenient for you.

this time, she’s letting her pieces spread like dandelion seeds from wishes she now knows won’t come true but it’s okay-

this time,

she’s flying.