Journal

Why would you say that to me? You know that's something I am sensitive about.

Did you really just bring my family into this? My family has been nothing but kind to you. And your family is awful, you have no ground to stand on here.

Does it make you feel better about yourself to constantly bring up things you are better than me at? Does that help you in some way?

Just because you do not understand it does not mean my way of thinking is inherently wrong.

I would prefer if you did not tease me for having a disability.

You cannot even take care of yourself, what makes you think you could take care of someone else.

For someone who prides themself on being nicer than me, you're being awfully rude right now.

But then sometimes there are double standards, you know?

We will make plans to hang out, and then he won’t show up. And I just kinda shrug and move on and maybe worry a bit but thats my burden to bear. He apologizes when he gets back and we reschedule. That’s fine, i get it, things come up.

But if I lose track of time and don’t call him at the vague time we agreed upon, he freaks out and sends a dozen messages, leaves me voicemails, sends half joking texts saying I cruelly abandoned him. I didn’t mean to do any of that!!!!!

I am visiting my family who I see in person for only a few days once every 3 months. Something came up with them. I left my phone charging in my room while I was elsewhere and didn’t see the messages. I wasn’t looking at a screen at all. I didn’t know what time it was at all.

- my bestie/qpp graduated college! I traveled ~30 hours total to get to the ceremony and back.

- me and aforementioned bestie are moving in together in June!!!!! We got an apartment, have ordered furniture, I got us renters insurance, scheduled WiFi to be set up, etc etc etc so I am very proud of myself :3

- I have 2 more weeks of practicum 1 placement left, and then I can leave my terrible placement.

- I have an intensive course the first week of June which means classes every day 9-5 for 5 days. This is at the same time I’m moving in to new apt. yes this is poor timing but here we are

- I start my new job the week after that!

- I signed up for an improv class this summer! At second city improv so hopefully it will be a really good class.

So it’s like I want sex in theory but in practice it feels impossible. But I still get jealous when I hear my that peers are having sex because it’s an experience I want to have at some point and it IS something I desire even if that desire isn’t projected out into attraction.

except my best friend/qpp texted me this morning talking about how our dynamic is different in person (we are mostly online as we live in different cities) and it’s weird bc he’s not used to that.

Hearing this immediately made me spiral. I hadn’t noticed anything different, what had been different? Was it worse? Was it something I did? Are they going to start hating me now? Have they finally realized that I am annoying and loud and bossy and mean? Does this mean they don’t want to spend time with me in person anymore?

I had known queer people before going there, but only people who were closeted, or who were bullied for being openly queer. Having a space where that wasn’t the case gave me the courage to take that part of myself out from where I’d buried it and bring it into the light. Being a lesbian was an option I had never let myself consider before then.

I am so scared of both these options.

If it’s all people I know, then I already know I find them infuriating and stupid and boring. They have no independent thought, not a single interesting personality trait or hobby, all deeply uninteresting. But at least that’s the devil I know, and it’s a mutual feeling that they don’t want to be friends with me.

If it’s new people, that’s somehow scarier. They don’t know me yet, they don’t know how outspoken I am, they don’t know to be prepared for my disagreements in class and opinionated personality in small groups.

# of dating app matches: 30-50ish

# of people gone out with: 3

# of people gone out with that I actually liked: 1

# of virtual dates gone on: 4

# of IRL dates gone on: 7

# of people kissed: 0

# of people ghosted: 5

# of people I communicated with healthily: 0

# of times I deleted dating apps: 3