the last time I logged onto here and wrote paragraph after paragraph of my feelings, it was a lot of sad shit and insecurities that plagued me regarding my writing. Iâm here to let everyone know that Iâm in a MUCH better headspace now than I was then. I went into a pretty deep hole of isolation and insecurity after the break-ins happened, I stayed indoors and tried to regulate my nervous system the best I could and I feel as if I succeeded. Iâm going out more now, Iâm reading a TON lately and while Iâm still not having success with writing, I think Iâm on my way to it.
Iâve done a lot better at embracing the cringe and the corny things in life and not letting myself be embarrassed by my love for them (which tbh I was never really embarrassed until I hit the age of 30 and started to feel like I needed to âgrow upâ and have some sort of âadultâ life that isnât real). Iâm turning 35 this year and Iâm still a fangirl to my core. My obsessions and hyperfixations still consume me the same way they did when I was 16 years old and read twilight for the very first time. I struggled a lot with coming to terms with that part of me still being so alive at this age.
When my mom was 35, she was married, had a two year old and was pregnant with me. For my entire life, I thought that I had to do the same thing. I can practically hear the clock ticking inside of my body, counting down the hours and minutes and seconds until Iâm no longer able to conceive. Iâve come to terms with never having children and I honestly donât even want them anymore, but I can still hear the ticking inside of me. That idea, that lifestyle was pushed on me so harshly growing up that there are still days when I wake up and I think âitâs too late for meâ â but thatâs bullshit. Itâs not too late for anything. I donât want a baby, I want to be a published author. That is my baby. I donât want a romantic partner right now, but I do sometimes think writing might come to me a little easier if I had some actual romance happening in my life right now đ but Iâm truly happy without it.
I have an amazing group of friends, I am so fucking confident in who I am, I look cool, I dress cool, I AM cool. I can say with 100% confidence right now that Iâve never known who I am more than I do right now. And sure, thereâs people out there who think Iâm too old to still be acting like a teenage fangirl. And thatâs okay. They can think whatever they want, their opinions of me are none of my damn business.
Iâm in such a good headspace that I uploaded Absolution back onto Wattpad earlier this year. I donât check my notifications, I have to protect my peace as Iâm sure there are brand new readers that are stumbling upon it and thinking âwtf IS THISâ, but itâs there for anyone to read in all of its unedited original glory. Harry Styles changed my life completely. If I werenât a fan of him, I think I would have gone down the traditional path of marrying a man that didnât truly love me and popping out kids and being miserable a few years down the line (I know thatâs not always the case but it is what Iâve witnessed with a lot of my peers). Harry gave me a community of queer women who have my back, who support everything I do, who encourage me to be nothing but who I truly and authentically am. I owe him everything and I owe that community everything, so I refuse to take a silly little fanfic away from people who wanna click back in and read for nostalgiaâs sake.
Could this change again? Sure. You guys know me. I change my mind often, I go through the motions, I have ups and downs. But I donât think itâs going to change this time. I know who I am and I love who I am. Anyone who wants to judge me based on a fanfic I wrote during the pandemic or based on any mistakes I may have made in the last decade or soâĻ theyâre welcome to judge away. I wonât be bothered by it anymore.
I wrote aboutâĻ 10(?) chapters of my WIP that has Mad Max as my MMC, then I decided I hated it and started over, decided I hated that and started over againâĻ I now have like 6 different versions of the story I want to write. Thatâs okay. Iâm going to take a break and visit them later. In the meantime, I did dabble in some Dr. Jack Abbot smut as he was a recent obsession of mine. I havenât posted it anywhere, but it feels good to just write. Even if Iâm not actively doing it right now, I know that itâs always there for me, waiting. And I know that Iâll return to it because I love it more than anything in the entire world, and a love that strong doesnât just die. It might settle down deep inside of me, it might go to rest for a few weeks or months or even years, but it will wake back up. It will come back to me because itâs meant for me.
I hope youâre all doing well and know that I think of you often. I wish that the online fandom still felt the same to me that it did back in the day, but Iâve had to disconnect a little from that world to protect myself and itâs done amazing things for my brain. Things have changed, but my love for anyone who bothers to check in on me or think of me from time to time is eternal and that is something I can promise will never change.
Sending love and light as always
Aubs đ
Ps - I didnât read through this post and nitpick at every word I wrote. I just wrote it, posted it and closed the app. That is a freedom that I never thought Iâd experience and yetâĻ đĨŗ
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Were you the person that wrote the girls/girls/boys one shot with Harry where it was this lesbian couple with Harry? I could have sworn it was you but I cannot for the life of me find it đ
just wanted to say that absolution was something else for me, like i canât explain what you wrote did for me at the time. i remember when everything was going down and you took it down and i was so bummed but i understood why you did it so i just wanted to wish you well and take your time!!
and i can say that thereâs a lot of people that would love to re read it IF you republish it (but if you donât, we totally understand!) sending you love đĢļđŧđĢļđŧâ¨â¨
I appreciate this so so much đ hearing how loved absolution is by so many people is why I have a hard time coming to terms with my need to let it rest, I feel like Iâm disappointing so many people by keeping it offline. I appreciate you understanding why I had to take it down, I hope that one day I feel okay enough to republish it or put it somewhere for anyone who likes it. đĨš sending love back to you!!! â¤ī¸â¤ī¸â¤ī¸â¤ī¸
I just finished re-reading Absolution (because I missed Mad Max, of course) and I think my biggest issue with republishing it is that while it reminds me of great, fun memories during a magical time in harryâs world, it also reminds me of how toxic that time was if you were on stan twitter and in the world of wattpad fanfic.
I am not proud of a lot of the writing in it, Iâm not proud that I let comments influence my decisions when it came to storyline and smut and Iâm embarrassed by the intensity of the degradation I wrote into nearly every single smut sceneâĻ itâs been hard for me to wrap my mind around. I was shocked at the amount of smut in it that didnât make any sense to the actual storyline? And how HARSH a lot of it was. I was in a much more male-centered mindset when I was writing this story and I think it shows through the way I wrote my smut scenes in that particular book. This isnât me bashing degradation kink, because I clearly experienced it and still enjoy it to an extentâĻ but I think i took it too far in Absolution.
This was also a very weird time for fanfic and stan culture as a whole because of the pandemic. Harry (and fanfic about him) was really blowing up and gaining attention on TikTok right as I started publishing chapters and I think it was easy for me (and a lot of other authors, Iâm sure) to get caught up in the excitement and the attention from it all. I let the comments on my story influence the way I thought about the story and my writing. I think I would feel so much better if I edited a lot of the book before publishing again, but I also feel bad for doing that because I know people are attached to it the way it is.
Absolution has been offline for quite some time and I worry people will go back to read it again and realize it wasnât as good as they remember it being. I know the best thing for me is to get into a headspace where I donât care what people think about my stories or my writing, I know that more people love my writing than those who dislike it, but the amount of hate that Absolution got when it was being published has been burned into me for a long time. And now, looking back at the story, I feel like Iâm seeing all of the points people were making against it and I wish I took it as constructive criticism rather than pure hate (although, most of it was just pure hate).
Iâve been reflecting a lot on 2019-2023 in the Harry fandom. I know the pandemic had a lot to do with the way my fanfic blew up the way it didâpeople were quarantined and bored, TikTok was thriving because of it and thatâs how a lot of people discovered my writing. I think thatâs a big part of the reason I have such a sour taste in my mouth about it, because while harry is my favorite person in the world and has been for many years, and love on tour was my most favorite experience, the pandemic rewired my brain so harshly that anything I went through in that time period feels at least a little bit tainted.
I want to write again. I miss it, desperately. Iâve been working through a lot of trauma and figuring things out for myself for a long time, and things still arenât 100% good. I know theyâll probably never be 100%, but I would like to be able to approach writing in a healthy manner. I would like to look back at my work with pride and not let strangers online control my perception of my worth. Iâm doing my best to be the greatest version of myself that I can be, Iâm working hard to release myself of the brain rot Iâve acquired ever since that man broke into my apartment and I dealt with the ptsd and fear via severe isolation.
I get messages all the time about Absolution. I know people miss it and want to read it again for nostalgic reasons and I get it, I truly do. But Iâm not ready yet for it to be published again and I canât say for certain that Iâll ever feel ready to publish it again. Rewriting a piece of work that you already have a complicated relationship with takes a lot of hard work and brain power and I feel like if Iâm going to work hard to write something, it should be the book thatâs been spinning around my head for the last few years that features Mad Max as the MMC. The book that I could see myself not only writing, but publishing one day. Iâm not saying itâs a waste of my time to rewrite Absolution right now, but I am saying that I have a short attention span now (thank u tiktok for short form contentâĻ itâs ruined me completely) and I have limited energy for writing overall. I want to put that energy somewhere that matters to me.
I second guess myself often. I will type out an entire post, scroll through it and nitpick at every little thing. I did it with this post lol. I always convince myself that people will hate it, will hate me if I say everything I want to or need to say. I have been shrinking myself down for years, I want so badly to please people, to make all of my readers happy when theyâve made me so happy in the past, but Iâm doing myself a disservice by not being my true authentic self with you all 100% of the time. I need to accept that not everyone will like me, not everyone will like my writing, my characters, my stories. They arenât for everyone. But my brain has me convinced that I need to cater to everyone or else Iâm a bad person lol. Once I free myself from those mental chains, I will revisit Absolution and that entire world.
I feel like a lot of people are probably sick of reading these types of posts from me. Iâve always struggled with leaving my past writing on the internet for anyone to access and judge. I have struggled so deeply with absolution and then feelings of guilt when I take it away from you all. I know people have got to be sick of me publishing and unpublishing it. Of saying Iâm going to edit it and repost and never doing it. Of deleting every trace of my writing on the internet and never putting it back. I completely understand the frustrations and all I can say is that Iâm sorry, but Iâm also not. I have to go through the motions, I have to let myself feel the way I feel and I hope everyone understands my struggles with this.
As for PetalâĻ that is different for me. I donât feel the same negative emotions toward Petal that I do toward Absolution (or dark side or daylight, the Harry fanfics I wrote back in 2011 lol) and I think itâs because I personally find Petal to be the better story. My writing was better, the smut was better, the characters feel well-rounded to me. I still have my issues with it thoughâĻ thereâs still a lot of smut that wasnât totally necessary to the plot (which is fine, donât get me wrong, I love a smut heavy story! but Iâm a plot heavy girly and I should be writing that way). I also had an original ending in mind when I first started writing it and at the last minute I decided I needed to give it a happily ever after. While I donât totally regret changing the ending, I do feel sad for myself because I always let the feedback I receive sway my decisions.
I let twitterâs toxicity get to me immensely. I let the wattpad comments get to me instead of just moving my material to a different platform. I was worried that if I tried to change anything, or if I didnât include all the smut, if I kept the unhappy endings, that I would lose my popularity. It was so beyond necessary for me to disappear from the internet for a long time, to find new things to love and care for, to rewire my brain in a healthier manner so that I wasnât just trying to please other people.
Anyways, thereâs no point to this. I just have a lot of feelings and thoughts about Absolution and my writing in general and doing a little re-read of it over the last couple of days brought a lot of icky feelings up. I felt like I was reading it with fresh eyes and a new perspective, and I wish I was coming to you all to say âfuck you if you donât like it, people love it and itâs coming backâ but I canât say that just yet. I need more time. I know anyone who truly loves me or my writing will understand that my main focus going forward will be original content. I think Iâve always been scared to move into that world because what if I write a book with all original characters and everyone hates it? What if my only talent is for writing Harry Styles fanfic and I canât even write that right now? It seems silly to muse over these intrusive thoughts butâĻ my imposter syndrome has been killing me more and more as I get older and start to explore more of what I truly love. I feel like such a fraud so often, like none of the success Iâve had was real or deserved and it was all just sort of bestowed upon me without me working very hard to get it. (I say this as if my fanfic got me a six-figure book deal or something lol, this is how you know itâs truly bad for me!!)
Iâm 33 years old and all Iâve ever wanted in my life is to hold a book in my hands that I wrote and felt proud of and Iâm nowhere near achieving that goal. Most days that goal feels light years away from me. Some days it feels completely impossible, even with the influx of self publishing in the book world. I always thought I would take a break from writing and come back with a new banger about Harry and it would just be a rinse and repeat situation, similar to my break between dark side/daylight and absolution. I know I can write decent fanfic, but can I write a book worth publishing? I think now is the time to put my Harry pen down and explore something (sort of) new.
Mad Max is an original character of mine that I am deeply invested in. He lives in my head rent free. He feels so fleshed out and whole and real that I know heâs the perfect character to attempt writing a book about. If Iâm ever going to be able to do it, it will be with Mad Max as my MMC. The world I created for him is so clear in my mind, I can see it every time I close my eyes. I hope that i can release all of my doubts and stop overthinking and just write. I need to just write. I donât need perfect right now, I donât need popular, I donât need positive feedback in order to write in a Google doc. I think somewhere along the way, I forgot that. I forgot that this isnât a performance for an audience. Itâs my childhood dream. Itâs all Iâve ever wanted for myself. I owe it to myself to at least try.
So in conclusion: Absolution is not coming back anytime soon, unless I can figure out a way to put it behind a paywall or something that ensures only the people who truly love it in its raw, unedited form have access to it. Iâm teetering in the middle of republishing Petal or keeping it down for now. All my work thatâs posted here will stay here, as I do quite love all of my oneshots and feel proud of them.
I would love if anyone that bothered to read this far would take two seconds out of their day to send me some good vibes or positivity. Iâll even take prayers. Iâm not religious, but I will take any magic or hope that exists in this world to get the authors pen back into my hand.
I think of you all so often. On here, on toxic ass twitter and even on the hellscape that is Wattpad. While I have a lot of negative feelings about my time as a fanfic author, I hope you know that I truly have soooo many positive experiences with you all. I have felt your love and your light every time youâve given it to me. A lot of you carried me through very dark times and I hope you feel my gratitude. I wish that I could give you what you really want as a way to express that gratitude, but I know most of you will understand why doing so would be harmful to my already very frazzled and fragile mind. Mental health is a lifelong battle with a lot of ups and downs and I appreciate anyone thatâs stuck with me through the various âdownsâ Iâve experienced over the years.
I have to add, it feels so good to type a bunch of giant paragraphs about how I feel and send them off into the void. Iâm not sure anyone will read this, andâĻ I donât care if nobody does. I needed it off my chest, I needed to dump all of my thoughts somewhere and tumblr has always been safe for me to do that.
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This morning at sunrise in NYC, an autonomous group performed a banner drop from the Manhattan Bridge beginning our global day of action against the assault on Rafah.
Found on Rosa Booth's instagram
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