that post thats like Im probably non binary but i have a job so im not gonna worry about that rn #true im lowk trans but i cant really deal with that atm tbh
like everytime i see a mirror its so jarring because what i actually look like is so far from what i am in my head, and its not that i dont like my appearance, im okay with it but its just literally not meee. When i was younger like 12-15 i identified as gender fluid and i went from presenting as super masculine to hyper feminine because i realised if i was more conventionally pretty then i was generally treated better and i wanted to stop getting bullied, but how i actually felt about myself and my gender never changed, everyone just kinda assumed it did and that it was some kinda "phase" and i kinda justtt. buried it inside myself cuz i didnt wanna deal with it
and i kinda just didnt let myself think about it, literally tried to ignore it until it went away for years. But a few months ago i like had a full blown breakdown because i saw a man who looks exactly like how ive always wanted to look. and i was like oh i cant really not think about it anymore
And im still at the point where i dress in skirts and dresses and do my makeup and present feminine but in my head its literally like dressing up a costume, im doing all this because it makes me look better and im treated better, it makes me feel pretty and i like how i look but its not me whatsoever
and its weird cause when i was first learning about gender identities i always thought that if i realised i was trans then i would accept myself and do what i thought would make me feel more secure and happy, but now that ive let myself have the realisation.. sigh idk
its always been in the back of my mind and it will always be there i just dont know what to do about it #gulp