The Ramblings of a Clump of Lichen

So, your landlord/parents/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.

Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.

Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.

Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.

Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.

Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.

Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.

Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.

Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!

Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.

Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.

Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.

Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.

Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.

If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.

Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.

It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.

Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.

You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.

clara barton, a battlefield nurse for the union army and eventual founder of the american red cross, was dubbed the "angel of the battlefield" for her vital and timely assistance to soldiers and doctors alike. during the 1862 battle of antietam, barton discovered that one of the soldiers she was tending to happened to be a young woman -- mary galloway, who had disguised herself as a man, joined the war effort following her lover lieutenant harry barnard, and would later name her daughter clara after barton eventually reunited the couple

stetson kennedy helped take down the kkk by exposing their code words and secret rituals on a 1947 superman radio show

in 1777, sixteen-year-old sybil ludington rode forty miles to warn the local militia of an upcoming british attack. traveling twice the length of paul revere's journey, she roused around 400 men by banging on their doors with a large stick, and it's even said that she gained recognition from george washington himself

robert smalls, an enslaved man in south carolina, emancipated himself as well as fifteen others in 1861 by disguising himself as a confederate ship captain and sailing the css planter into the union territory (simultaneously providing another warship to the union). not only that, but in 1864, smalls purchased the former mansion of henry mckee -- the man who had once enslaved him

during the 1969 chicago seven conspiracy trial, abbie hoffman reportedly once came in wearing judicial robes with a chicago police uniform underneath, called judge julius hoffman "julie" several times, and raised his middle finger when being sworn in as a witness

after american troops arrived in france In 1917, they made a (mostly symbolic) march through paris, stopping at the grave of the marquis de lafayette to honor his immense contributions during the american revolutionary war. with the tomb at his feet, colonel c. e. stanton declared, "lafayette, we are here!" (over a century too late after the us decided not to aid the french during the revolution, but a cool statement nonetheless)

in 1930s america, a pro-nazi organization called the german american bund was active across america. however, another group was also gaining traction at around the same time: the minutemen. while those in new york were mostly made up of jewish mobsters and those in new jersey mainly consisted of jewish boxers, both had a common goal of breaking up bund meetings by beating the shit out of their members

between 1913 and 1915, there were at least seven instances of people mailing their children through the postal system, since it was cheaper to buy a stamp for your child and have them transported by a trusted mail carrier than purchasing a train ticket for them

the first minnesota volunteer infantry regiment captured a confederate flag from the twenty-eighth virginia infantry regiment in the 1863 battle of gettysburg, and the minnesota historical society still has it today, despite virginia requesting for its return in 2000, 2002, 2003, and 2013. governor jesse ventura famously responded to the 2000 request with "why? i mean, we won"

although many members of various native american nations served as code talkers during the world wars, the most famous of which are probably the navajo code talkers. between 1942 and 1945, over four hundred navajo worked as code talkers for the marines, providing a system that even the most skilled code breakers couldn't crack -- largely due to the fact that navajo has no written alphabet and highly complex tonal qualities. for decades the contributions of these men went unrecognized, but in 1992 they were finally honored at the pentagon for their vital involvement in the allied war effort

founding fathers thomas jefferson and john adams both died on july forth, 1826, with adams allegedly declaring "jefferson still survives" on his deathbed, unaware that his former colleague was already dead

after woodrow wilson had a stroke in 1912, his wife edith wilson took over many of his presidential duties, making her the first female president in practice. she and physician cary grayson decided to keep her husband's condition hidden from the public, even staging several pictures of him to make it seem like he was hard at work in the white house

the youth international party (yippies) held a rally for their presidential nominee, a hundred and forty-five pound pig named pigasus, outside the democratic national convention in 1968. his acceptance speech was being read by jerry rubin when he and six other yippies were arrested along with pigasus and a sow apparently called "mrs pigasus"

after hitler banned bold makeup from public functions in 1933 because he deemed it improper for a good german woman, wearing red lipstick became a symbol of solidarity against fascism. allied militaries were quick to implement it as a part of their female uniforms and issue propaganda encouraging women to wear it. in 1941 elizabeth arden created a shade of lipstick called victory red for civilian women, and in 1942 the us women's marines corp adopted her shade montezuma red as a standard part of the uniform

harriet tubman was not only the most famous conductor of the underground railroad, but also a nurse, soldier, and spy for the union during the civil war. the first woman in american history to lead an armed military raid, in 1863 she commanded the combahee river raid, which included the liberation of over seven hundred and fifty enslaved people

in 1782, deborah sampson disguised herself a man, adopted the alias robert shurtleff, and joined the fourth masschusettes regiment. she managed to protect her true identity for over two years -- however, after she lost consciousness due to illness, her sex was discovered and was given an honorable discharge. after her death, her husband petitioned congress for pension as the spouse of a soldier, and surprisingly he was awarded the money

adolf hitler had a nephew who fought for the united states navy during world war ii. born william patrick hitler, in 1933, he declined his uncle's request to denounce his british citizenship, earning himself the nickname "my loathsome nephew." after his 1939 lecture tour of the united states where he warned americans about the nazi threat, he enlisted in the us military because he wasn't allowed in the british forces. he eventually became a us citizen in 1946 and legally changed his name to william patrick stuart-houston

in 1970, richard nixon signed the poison prevention packaging act, which required all prescription and over-the-counter drugs to have childproof packaging. stephen bull, a former presidential aide, recalled that he was once asked by the president to open his allergy medicine, and the childproof cap had numerous teeth marks on it from nixon's apparent attempts to gnaw it open

the elephant became the mascot of the republican party to demonstrate union war strength (as "seeing the elephant" was slang for experiencing combat). the donkey became the democratic mascot because people frequently called andrew jackson a jackass

i have access to powers and locations that he cannot access independently; he needs my help to navigate the world i've brought him to

i simply found him outside and abducted him one day

there are many cats in the world, but this one is the best and my most favorite. why? because he was available to abduct that morning and for very little other reason.

i have a much greater understanding of this world than him, but he has unshakable confidence in his ability to figure it out and i find that really cute

the power dynamic is fundamentally unbalanced, but i let him have a little audacity. a little combativeness and sass. as a treat.

some humans are needlessly cruel to cats or take them in for a short time before neglecting or abandoning them. but i have chosen to love and guard this one with my life. because i think he's neat.