The Local Tea Party

'Dei thambi, who are you and what you are doing making so much noise?', he shouted from his first floor balcony. On the street below, to his left, were a group of people in different coloured clothes.

'We are Rangoli team and we are fighting them. Enough aa?', said one of them.

'Who is 'them'?'

'Those guys, to your right!'

He looked down to his right and saw a group of people, all wearing the same colored clothes, like a uniform or something.

'Oh they are the fake Indigo team! Those guys are bad!', he said.

'We know! They rub their color on everything they touch! That's why we are fighting them. Who are you?' the boy asked

'Me? I am the Balcony Police! You carry on.'

Balcony Police yawned and happily stretched his legs, and folded his newspaper. Not one single crossword clue was solvable. Who are these dictionary people who are setting such difficult clues? And who are the jobless people who are actually sitting and solving it? Anyway.

Rangoli team threw a bunch of papers and essays at the Indigo team. Balcony Police’s eyes followed the trajectory as it flew from his left to his right. Some Indigo team members read it but many of them ignored it and threw rocks back at Rangoli team. Balcony Police immediately jumped up and shouted at Rangoli team.

'Dei dei dei what is this you are throwing at them? SO much spelling mistakes in your articles? You are educated or no? Stupid goose.'

Rangoli team person who wrote all of it immediately started collecting all the papers back and started proof-reading the articles. Meanwhile Indigo team threw rocks at Rangoli team like a team of disgraced spin bowlers. Balcony Police stood up and said 'Tch tch tch so sad but what to do.' The Indigo team strength by now has doubled.

Next one Rangoli team member sang a song. Balcony Police immediately stood up and shouted 'Wait wait wait..whose song are you singing? Do you know the background of this song? Do you know the history and geography of the song? Do you know that one person who sang this song used to be in Indigo team? How dare you sing the song in front of my ears? Stop this nonsense at once!'

Rangoli team singer got confused . 'Ok ok uncle, not singing this song. Now enough?'

Balcony Police twirled his moustache and said, 'Yes you better have that fear. Good. Now carry on.'

Next one Rangoli team member started talking. But Indigo team started doing all sorts of outrageous activities by now. They were throwing stones, smelling tiffin boxes, singing songs horribly out of tune. Even the Authorities had joined them and the atrocious singing continued.

Balcony Police got very upset. He shouted at Rangoli team. 'Ey onion fellows, I know Indigo team are doing so much atrocities, but why are you not indulging in perfection? You are talking and the words are not 100% grammatically correct. You are singing songs that I don't like and all of you have such sad history records chi chi chi.'

Some Rangoli team members started fighting among themselves because they got upset that Balcony Police got upset. Some of them even forgot whom they were fighting. 

One fellow from Indigo team broke down and started walking across to Rangoli team. He said 'This is not why I joined them. I have left them.' Rangoli team welcomed him.

Balcony Police lost it. 'No No No this is unacceptable. I will not accept this. All this while he was there and now suddenly he has received Enlightenment from the LED street lamp and became good means you should not..what are you doing? You idiot Rangoli team! You are useless! You are drainage! You are all cauliflowers! Hypocrites!'

Balcony Police was furious because the Rangoli team was not behaving the way he wanted them to. He had to do something about it. His blood was boiling and fingers were itching for a fight. So he asked his wife to bring some coffee.

One Rangoli team member called him. 'Arey uncle, are you going to come down and join us?'

Balcony Police said 'Haha Arey arey no no. You are there for all that no? I will observe and comment if you do anything wrong. You just make sure you are 100% perfect before you take on Indigo team. Otherwise I will have to shout at you. Mind it!'

'But those guys are...'

'Arey I know ki Indigo team is fake and they are bad and creating problems. That everybody knows, but I have my eyes on YOU, ok? Anyway, I will be here only, you carry on'

Dear creative people,

Run.

Please do it right now. No no I am not asking you to do the half/quarter/peg marathon and all like how your million facebook friends are doing all the time, effortlessly collecting badges while you urgently scroll past their feed lest you feel even more shitty. Already nothing is happening in your life. On top of this, seeing your friends do achievements like this means 1.5 ton pressure on blood vessels only. I am telling you to you run away from here. Go away from social media. Do not even attempt to see or engage with other people about your work.

Realise this. Nobody in your social network is interested in giving you constructive feedback. Constructive.ROFL. No chance. Every single nonsense fellow out here is only here to point out what is wrong with your work. Agreed boss, you come to social media to get instant gratification. But those days are over. All Youtube comments have become verified accounts. The only people who will say nice things about your work are your close friends. But they are your friends and they will anyway say nice things to you.

So run.

Run because there is only one kind person waiting online for you. The whiny nitpicker who will consume your work with the sole intention of hating it and write whiny articles that start with 'Why I have a problem with so and so'. As if you went and asked them. Arey they have a problem means what to do? I also have wheezing problem. Am I writing blogposts about it? No na? Oh wait.

Simply coming online and spewing hatred on other people's work. And that too it is not some time-pass hate articles. These are proper articles commissioned by idioters who pay just to hate your work. So while you are slogging your backside and underside off begging and doing backflips just to get one opportunity to showcase your talent, there are people who get paid to hate your work. So remember that. And run.

Boss there are 50-year olds bullying 20-year olds straight out of college for some work they put online, without even realizing how much mental trauma such things cause.

Best is the whiny nitpicker will attempt to criticize anything and 'review' everything. First of all such things are not reviews. It is simply a running commentary, like how my grandmother used to give while watching India West Indies Test match without even understanding anything about cricket.

These are the kind of people who will go to a restaurant and comment on food like 'lol this noodles has no coconut. We are in 21st century and yet our chefs do not have the balls to push the envelope and try new things. Tch tch tch.' Bloody nonsense. Ask them if they are qualified to give opinion about it, their answer - they consume food, so they can talk about the chefs. Besh.

So run.

Especially you, story-tellers. The entire burden of solving all societal problems and cultural issues has been successfully taken off politicians or their own families and placed on your shoulders. Because you see, since you are influencing the society with your stories, you must always be 100% accurate in portraying humans, animals, bacteria, dung, solar system etc. Boss they are asking stupid questions like 'If you take that left Anna Nagar wont come, what bullshit story telling is this?' What?! One creative liberty you take and they come crawling out of the burrows crying 'How can you tell a story like this?' Your story. You tell however the cow you want to tell.

And you don't pay any attention to these nitpickers ok? I know these fellows. These fellows will shout in ALL CAPS IN FACEBOOK saying your story or video is perpetuating all kinds of social inequality while they sit at home and buy phones made in China by child labourers. 'What to do yaar? The phone has fantabulous features and it was a steal!' These are the same people who will write long long posts about how your story is problematic because it 'normalises bad behavior' and then step out to buy Patanjali products making Baba Ramdev, the champion of social equality, richer. 'What to do yaar? The products are soooo good.'

For all the online warriorism they are showing, the only people outside their economic class that they talk to are their maid, driver, and watchman.

If they bleed, it is blood, if you bleed, it is tomato chutney, no?

And snarkiness. Oh man that snarkiness. LOL used to mean that you are happy. Nowadays lol is used only laugh sarcastically at somebody's work. Completely sucked away the joy from those letters. Rascals.

So run.

If you listen to all of this you will go insane. Next time you sit to do something creative all this nonsense will plague your brain. And that is how your talent dies. Self doubt. Why the hell should you go through such torture, just to get a few likes and retweets? Not worth it.

If you tell all this also they will come bawling saying ki 'Boss if you get instant fame online you must also be prepared for instant hate.' Is it? Then you also be prepared for instant block and report for spam, you silly goose.

That is why I am asking you, the creative fellows, to run. And don't look back.

I leave you with my favourite line from Steve Jobs. "They don't get a vote. When Dylan wrote "Shelter from the Storm" he didn't ask people to contribute to the lyrics. Plays don't stop so the playwright can ask the audience what scene they'd like to see next."

As Sorkin advises, if it is someone you respect, take their feedback. If not, [email protected] doesn't know what he is talking about. Ignore.

Stay honest to your art. Stay honest to yourself. That's all that matters.

Now, run.

Humans of 2016, I cannot let go of you just like that this year, yet. I HAVE to talk to you about the single most important life skill that all of you must possess no matter where in the world you go and whatever in life you end up doing - The art of cleaning your toilet.

Especially unmarried boys, I know you are very busy wondering ki what the hell more you should do to get that girl in your life because you have tried everything that any human being can do and still the girl is not impressed. What to do yaar? They are like that only.

And especially unmarried ladies who know everything that the boy is doing to impress them and yet are feeling shy and not telling him means what to do again? Life is tough only. But it's ok, this kind of small things will eventually sort themselves out. But what you really have to put in effort for is learning how to clean your toilet. Boss I'm telling you, this will save your life many times and you will thank me later.

It will all happen in a flash. One moment you are thinking ki oh boss thank god, today is Sunday, means I don't have to move my bottoms even one millimeter haiya jolly and then next second your spouse will say those dreadful words - 'Today we are cleaning the toilet.'

I have to tell you upfront that there are few things in life that have a better warning mechanism than this. Tsunami, earthquake, volcanic eruption, parents arriving when you are about to watch adult-only movies etc., for e.g. When these magic words are uttered in the house means there is no going back. You can try to wriggle out of it and all by saying 'Not today I am busy' but you have to give satisfactory answer to the next question 'Doing what?' Having failed to come up with a suitable 2-mark answer, you have to get going immediately.

Now, if you are having a lucky or a lazy background means all your life such kind of things like cleaning your toilet will be outsourced to a third party or insourced to a parent party because in your family when nobody trusts your non-core competency (eating, drinking, sleeping) itself then how will they trust you with core competency jobs like keeping the house clean etc? So now, you only have to get your hands dirty (no, stop thinking puns.)

So now I am going to guide you step-by-step on how to clean your toilet and thereby earn good name in the household.

First of all, you have to pour water all over the place. It is ok even if you pour water in the toilet. Avoid putting water on the walls because now you are being adhigaprasangi and nobody asked you to clean the walls.

The health-faucet (HF) is your friend. Make it your best friend. I know we all have love-hate relationship with health faucet, depending on the amount of psi it delivers on your back entrance at the most unexpected moment, but trust me, if you use it properly, it will make your life a lot easy. Use the HF to generously spray water all over the place. (Caution: This can get too much fun and distract you from your mission.)

So now you have have properly prepped the place. Excellent. Take a break. (But make sure nobody sees you taking the break.)

Now proceed to clear the entire area from having any obstructions, like bucket, mug, washing machine hose (those darn things are a menace) etc. Wait, this should have been done first, but it's ok, just throw them out or place them on your head or something and keep the floor clear.

Next is the important part. You have to pick up a bottle of Harpic. Yes, that very same liquid they sell on TV when you are eating dinner and want to watch something decent. Take that bottle. Yes, you will be tempted to spend the next two hours admiring the ingenuity of the design of the bottle, but don't. Time is of the essence. You are competing against a pro here.

Remove the bottle cap and stick the nozzle of the bottle under the secret compartment in the WC. Secret compartment = where the water comes from.

Hold the bottle firmly in the middle section (bottle's middle section), fill up your lungs to capacity, and squeeze the bottle firmly. Now depending on its mood (and the amount of liquid left inside) the bottle will dispense either a very-generous quantity (i.e. you will have a obese blue monster splattered on your WC) or just bubbled blue air. Eitherway something will come out of the bottle.

Next is the tricky part. You have to keep squeezing bottle and draw a circle around the WC with circumference equal to πD (D is the inner-dia of the WC). This sounds more easy than it actually is. Here's what will happen. The Harpic bottle will suddenly make friends with the WC and refuse to move an inch. They don't meet often in your toilet and so they will want to spend some time together. Precisely at this moment, you will spot your spouse with her palm firmly planted on their forehead in disappointment and convince you to vacate the premises immediately. But don't. You are too far in this now to give up.  You HAVE to stick to your guns and see this through. If the bottle gets stuck, just trace its path backwards and then go forward again. That will do the trick.

Question: How will you know if you have done the job right? Answer: You will now see many thin runny blue monsters racing towards the water in the WC and disappear into the abyss.

Next, take the cleaning brush. Pause. Ask yourself if this is the right brush. If your answer is yes, then you are wrong. Ask the spouse if that is the right brush. They will confirm your wrongness and tell you that this is a different brush to clean the wash basin. Put that brush down and pick up right brush.

Grip the brush tightly and attack. Go all out brushing all over the place. Under the secret compartment, under the toilet seat, inside the water, into the abyss (yuck, I know, but there is no time for sentiment right now), brush until you think you have done justice to all the abuse you have put this WC through.

Pause.

Think about your life choices. Realize that you have been a failure in everything you do. Bring out all the negativity in you and lay it out on top of the blue mess inside the WC. Contemplate for a moment. Look deep into the abyss of the WC that your life has become. Ok enough. Snap out to reality.

Hold your breath and pull down the flush. Watch it all get washed away and smile at your masterpiece. A spic and span WC. White and beautiful, returned to its original glory. Ready to be used and abused all over again.

Until the spouse comes and inspects it. And requests you to please not try this again and asks you to step out and says from next time, she will do it herself instead of letting you do such a shoddy job.

Back away from the area very carefully, slowly and (most important) silently. Go back to contemplating your choices and think about how you can have a better 2017. 

May your new year be as sparkling and beautiful as a newly cleaned toilet.

Ok first of all I am going to break some myths. Then I am going to break some heads. This has been happening for too long now. Randomly they will come and parade nonsense stories like 'How I quit my job and Travelled the world' (Travel with a capital ‘T’) or ‘This guy quit his job and traveled 60 countries in 60 days' or some such nonsense in front of our eyes and confuse our already confused brains.

Bullshit.

First of all, such kind of travel and stuff is not possible with Indian passport. Not in this lifetime. Sorry. If you see a story like this means basically it is a white guy with a passport that has the word 'Privilege' stamped on it. (BTW if you say this is about travel inside India means I am not talking about you itself because technically you are an uncle or aunty who has just taken an LTA and your amma is just one phone call away. You don't even have to change the SIM!)

So some random person randomly quit their ‘cushy corporate job’ and gave up all the pleasures of life (so sad) and decided to ‘travel the world’ it seems. Boss who in their right mind will do such an irresponsible activity? They don't have EMIs to pay or what? How did their mother allow this?

And on seeing this I will also become jealous it seems and emulate such nonsense. HOW ON EARTH CAN AN INDIAN PERSON TRAVEL TO SOME COUNTRY JUST LIKE THAT?? Forget practically, theoretically itself it is not possible.

Have you ever applied for visa to that country? Even if you are applying for visa to a fellow Third World country you have to ‘follow the process’ aka humiliation. Starting from salary slip, they will ask you to submit every single document that you have ever touched in your life.

Then you have to convince them ki you are coming back and not settling down there itself because you have a job and a loan to take care here. So you have to produce one letter from HR saying so. Now this HR fellow will say go ask your boss for leave first. If you go to your boss and ask for leave means boss will be like no no no HR policy does not allow for so many days leave. What nonsense? To take my entitled leave I have to beg one million times is it? After surrendering my last few grams of self respect as HR-Dakshina finally that HR letter will be signed.

If they are not still convinced that you are going to come back means, they will ask for even more documents to show proof of funds. So I now have to take a spade and shovel and dig our apartment to search for any hidden treasure or hope to find that ancient property document that my great-great-grandmother obtained by cheating Robert Clive. Where else will I get more ‘funds’ from? Idiots.

Even for photograph they will tell you exactly much of your face they want to see. If your photograph is showing extra face, even one centimetre extra, means you will have to suffer and wait. In addition to all this if they feel like ragging you they will call you for personal interview. I am telling her madam you humiliate me over telephone itself no problem but she is like no no we have to meet you. Because they want to see your face in real life to cross-check if you have the same face as you have declared in the photograph.

By now my self respect is in negative balance, so I am borrowing some of it from my friend along with his blazer in order to appear decent. I am expecting some white person to ask tough viva voce questions at the visa interview but it is actually one old Indian woman who is his secretary and behaving as if she is giving her father's property! Arey madam, we both are Indians only no? I will come back yaar. Just give me the visa already.

All of this nonsense is just for one country. Where from to travel 60 countries in 60 days?

So you can update status all you want with quotes like ‘Don't be a tourist, be a Traveler’ (capital T again) or some shit like ‘I don't just go to places. I Travel.’ but ultimately according to the visa you are just a tourist. What else did you think that country people will think of you as? Republic Day chief guest?

Best is after landing there you are all like I don't want to do touristy things so I am going to live like a local (for the next 24 hours) and do all the local things and so you enter a cab and tell him to take you to a ‘local restaurant where local people eat.’ Boss that fellow is a cab driver and he knows exactly what to do. He is like ‘Oh like that aa, come I will take you’ and you will enter the restaurant only to see everybody is a tourist just like you.

And the first thing to ask the restaurant manager is not about the food but the wifi password and immediately update status with fake inspirational shit like ‘Nothing is blissful like traveling alone and discovering who you are’. Boss to access social media why you have to go to some other country and all. You can do the same thing sitting on the WC itself no?

So I have concluded that it is better to avoid all this inspired travel business and nonsense because as Indians we anyway have to come back and deal with Airtel customer care and other such important things in life. All such magical things happen to white people because first of all they can just buy a ticket and show up at the border without any plan. They can afford to do all such irresponsible acts because THEIR GOVERNMENT SUPPORTS THEM AND TAKES CARE OF THEM WHEN THEY RETIRE. Here, we have to support the government!

Don't get fooled by such people's agenda. They will tell things like when you travel you will ‘discover your soul’ and get enlightenment and stuff. The only thing we will actually get is one huge ass credit card bill at the end of the trip.

‘Travel is my passion’ it seems. How the hell can travel be a passion? At best travel can be an expenditure for us. So best is to embrace the reality that we are simply going on tour for a few days only to come back to our miserable lives.

First of all I would like to thank everyone for giving me the opportunity to speak outrage in front of the whole world using technology. Now let us analyse the topic. Technology. What is technology? According to Wikipedia, Technology means things that shield you from your family and other unwanted people and give you peace of mind. For example, walkman, mobile phone, social media, pornhub etc. So, technology is a boon.

However, it must also be kept in mind that if you use technology to run away from family and unwanted people, the same family and unwanted people will come running after you using the same technology. Let us analyse this issue in detail as this is a 15 mark question.

First was computer. Back in the Vedic age, whenever they mentioned the word ‘technology’, it was implying the school computer lab with high tech software such as Wordstar, MS DOS etc. Before the school had computer lab, the word ‘technology’ implied a system by which every day the school bell rang with astronomical precision at exactly 8.50 am, aka Krishnan sir, the school peon.

Later father brought home technology aka Windows-98-pirated-edition-installed-computer. Thankfully it provided intelligent-looking distraction, so that when relative aunty came we only had to put namaste and go back to pretending doing important project work while waiting for dial-up connection modem to finish singing Korean songs in S Janaki’s voice. ‘He is always doing something on computer’, mother will complain to the guests, with admiration masked as annoyance.

Then Orkut came. Ok leave that.

Then facebook.

Then they did something with mobile phones and suddenly they are all smart phones now. Which basically means anyone using them will appear smart and intelligent even though they are exactly the opposite. And those smart phones released a potato bomb called WhatsApp. Like all other forms of technology, it was a cool-dude thing as long as only we are having it. When others also have it, best is to run.

Initially it was jolly jolly with free messaging and no need to make calls. Then some people who were in Andromeda galaxy in your life till then were suddenly just one ping away. And there is no way of avoiding them.

UKG friends, school friends from other sections, douchebag college friends who used to steal appalams from your plate, old neighbours, old neighbours’ distant relatives, extended family’s extended family, ex-colleagues - all of them started forming separate unions to send Good Morning messages to one another all the time and polluting the ether with megabytes after megabytes of useless photos and memes.

One person in the group says hi means every other member in the group is adamant in saying hi to that person. This goes on for one whole day. Then a new person joins and the new joinee induction gets extended by one more day. After 7 days of ‘hi’-ing, the purpose of the group is explained by the admin - sending old email forwards.

There is one entire group that will only send (semi) naked pictures of white ladies saying kinky stuff in Indian languages (re-living high school fantasies), courtesy MS Paint. Then one group sends god photos and devotional items from early morning to midnight because in India every minute is an auspicious minute to do some devotional thing. By now the media downloads folder in the phone is the most blasphemous thing in the universe containing these two things right next to each other.

<Underline in red ink> One entire Whatsapp group is dedicated to emoticons. </underline in red ink> The group name, the title, intro, body and moral of the story in all messages is all told in emoticons, so many of them that by the time you read and look up everything looks like winking faces with tongue out. Some messages think they are telling some intelligent joke and say ‘Scroll down to find out’ and you have scroll down 25 light years to find that it is basically an old Baba Sehgal song.

In between these 7328 messages you have to search your name to see if anyone was talking to you in the group because you don’t want to commit the current national crime of offending someone. So you have to politely participate in the conversation with meaningful inputs like ‘Hahaha’ or ‘Haha’ (depending on who’s talking to you.)

At this point, it is important to remember to take extra effort to make sure we are not typing in the wrong group. One wrong ping to unintended audience and your carefully built up reputation will come crashing down like second half of Abbas Mustan movie.

In addition to all this you have to tweet, work and have a life (in that order).

Disclaimer** The views expressed in this article are my own. You cannot go about pestering fellow believers of potato being the best vegetable in the world. In fact, my belief itself will keep changing from time to time. Because it's my fucking belief. All bets are off.

Come let us talk about one glorious language called English.

Actually, when some fellows went from this side of Europe to that island, they took some language with them that got mixed into this and that. Then that language added some more words from other languages like Latin, removed some other languages like phlegm and mucus and added some spit and loosely arrived at one language. Ok so far?

Many centuries passed and now that language is all over the world. It is called English and has undergone many changes to adapt to the times.

Then some geniuses, born recently, get hold of the ‘latest revised original edition’ of the grammar book with all the ‘golden rules of the glorious language’ and Believe that English means, this is how it should be spoken. They Believe that all other forms of the same language are stupid and do not deserve to exist. Also, most importantly, they simply are not even acknowledging that there are other languages in the world.

Meanwhile other English speakers, educated in other schools, have peacefully moved to other countries. They have happily mixed with other language people, nicely learning all the local bad words in exchange of the word ‘fuck’.

Are you with me still? Now comes the twist.

Now these ‘traditional’ English speakers cannot digest the fact that things are changing and now they want to establish the ‘glorious days of the past’. So they are going about, shouting in a language that no one is understanding. Suddenly, one of these guys beats up a Tamil guy. Ok no need Tamil guy, because they love English. Let’s say one of them beats up a Telugu guy for speaking poor English. Telugu guy, being Telugu guy, refuses to budge from his glorious pronunciation of all the letters in the word and it leads to a big clash. Full on fight between these two people now.

Now suddenly, the peaceful English speaking guys around the world are looking like villains. What?!

Some random guy on facebook tells them ‘You are speaking English. These violent people also speak English. By speaking the same language as these violent people, you are endorsing their violence. Why are you supporting this violent language?’ this, that etc. Poor fellows are not understanding what is going on because it is like going to the Queen of England and complaining that Alfred, my Anglo Indian friend, is mixing Tamil words in his English. What genius logic! Poor fellow has no option but to close the tab to avoid social media trolls and get on with life. So sad.

Ok, let’s talk about fashion.

Originally we were all naked. But since we are coming from orthodox families, we are Believing that the simple cotton dhoti is the best original traditional dress. Ok very good.

But Tamil people wear cotton dhoti in a certain manner. Andhra people are slightly more stylish so they wear it little differently. Same cotton dhoti only, but little different. Then as you wander from one state to another, each people wear the same cotton dhoti but in a different manner. Same same, but different.

Then one day, one random fellow wearing a cotton dhoti sees someone wearing jeans (which is also having cotton) and thinks that culture and value system is all wandering away from the community like a cow in suburban areas. He goes to the jeans wearing fellow and slaps him for violating the glorious culture of cotton dhotis.

Now logically, everyone should catch hold of this mental fellow and slap him and put some sense into his silly head. Or give him Corex or some other cough syrup and put him to sleep.

Instead, what they are doing is shouting at all the dhoti wearing people all over the country saying, ‘See! A dhoti wearing fellow has slapped an innocent citizen. And you are also wearing dhoti. Now explain why you are supporting such oppressive culture? Why are you still wearing dhoti? Tell now. Explain your stand.’ etc etc. What ridiculousness is this? What kind of dhoti are you talking about? 1.8 metres? 3.6 metres? What is the yarn count? With border? Without border? Khadi? First you understand how this works and then you can come and blame the dhotis.

Ok, leave all that. Let us talk about potatoes.

Simple and yummy potatoes.

First it was there in South America and then some well-meaning sailors who intended no harm took the potatoes back to Europe. Then, as the benevolent imperial empires expanded, they took the potatoes along with them around the world. All over the world, people started to enjoy this lovely dish, sometimes deep frying, sometimes baking and all that.

But this vegetable has one problem. It has to be properly cooked and digested. Otherwise severe gas trouble and smell problem. Most of the people are doing fine, they know what to do, how to cook etc. to avoid public damage. But some idiots do not care about others. They simply half-digested it and went around leaving stinky farts. In public places they are going and dropping smelly bombs causing a lot of problem to the others.

Many orthodox people avoid potatoes. They are happy with other vegetables and so they are annoyed with all the smell. They go to random potato eaters and say ‘You potato eaters have to control these people who fart in public places. Why are you eating a dish that encourages farts? Why are you not controlling these people?’

Hein?!

Boss they don’t even know those people and these are people who cook their potatoes well. Their potatoes came from a different garden. They eat it deep fried and those idiots eat it raw. Why are you coming and torturing random people without applying common sense?

It was a feeling that didn’t let me sleep for days. It was like a thousand butterflies flying inside ok? I told my family and they immediately said 'See I have been telling you so many years. Thank god you finally agreed at least now. If you want I will set you up with someone nice and whom we know for a very long time' and all that. I also gave up and finally went to meet our family dentist (for checkup).

Boss by birth I am a 'proud Indian' and by nature, even prouder South-Indian. It means unless something is near-death level wrong I won't go to see any kind of doctor. Not even the PhD types. So if you ask when I last went to see dentist, it was several years back that too to give invitation for father's 60th birthday homam (this, not this). So when he saw me he was like 'Arey come come you have come to give invitation to your wedding is it? Congratulations to you!' and I told him 'No doctor, congratulations to you! I am here to give business to you.'

Doctor was like 'Oh like that aa, sit down on that chair.' I can clearly see he was disappointed there was no wedding invitation but he didn't show it in his face because he immediately tied one mask hiding his features and made me lean back on one reverse-batmobile/batbike type chair. I think the chair was designed in such a manner that if you lean back means automatically mouth will open.

Have you been to a dentist? Don’t go. Because it’s pure terrorism. I am leaning back making strange lusty noise with mouth open and all I am able to see is two masked faces above me, one on the left side and one on the right. I don’t think there is a single dentist in the world who looks at your teeth and says ‘Everything is perfectly alright. Just go home and eat lots of sweets!’ Always saying negative things about everything like Twitter people. They are looking inside the mouth and their eyes are making sad expression along with 'Tch tch tch' sounds as if they are witnessing a Devadas-level tragedy story inside my mouth. What they were looking at for so long I have no clue because even I have not stared inside my mouth for such a long time in one instance.

Anyway, after the movie got over (inside my mouth) the doctor took some drilling machine and started fitting different drill-bits until he decided on the final assault weapon. Two seconds later the drill-bit, the drilling machine, and the doctor’s hands completely disappeared inside my mouth. I know my parents are telling I have a big mouth but I didn't realise it was so literal. Thank god they put some chloroform type thing for the mouth but the sounds it made...uff! Such terrorism! Boss it made so much noise ki all the time I was wondering what the hell are they constructing some metro rail inside my mouth or what!

In between one ladies assistant came and put one pipe inside the mouth from the left side to do vacuum cleaning of the saliva. Four full hands were now operating inside my tiny 3-inch diameter mouth. In addition to this the doctor kept yelling 'Open mouth wider open mouth wider' and I was thinking like 'Boss if I open my mouth any wider my eyebrows will go inside the mouth so please stop this harassment.' In between all this struggle my loose tongue began to feel upset about the treatment its room-mates were getting and so it started making agitations inside the mouth by moving all over the place. Doctor got even more upset and called one more nurse and yelled 'Hold his tongue in position!' The new nurse was some new intern or something I think and she wanted to impress the doctor it seems and so she took one kadaparai and did lathi charge and pushed my tongue down. She was showing satisfied expression as if she was in-charge of sucessfully quelling the Sepoy Mutiny or something.

I could not bear to see this oppression any longer and so I closed my eyes and the new nurse is asking mockingly 'Why you are closing eyes sir? We are only witnessing everything, not you!' What cheekiness! In between all this, the doctor was fighting a lonely battle against my teeth pushing and shoveling and doing all kinds of battlefield work. Tanks exploded and heavy artillery fire and shelling was going on inside my mouth under his command. I gave up and closed my eyes.

The next thing I remember is the doctor screaming at my ears asking me to wake up. I immediately jumped up and paid the fees and ran out as if unlimited Metro water was being delivered for free to our apartments. I went to my vehicle and looked at my mouth in the mirror. Boss, not a single change I could see in my mouth. Everything was exactly like how it was before I went to see him. What for he did so much manual labour I didn't understand.

Either he is a genius dentist. Or it was all total scam.

Only time will tell.

I saw one cartoon thing about advertisements. How true no? Advertisements everywhere and advertisements all the time! I think they are the actual aliens who are here to attack us. Silly NASA fellows putting up telescopes and searching for them all over the place except here.

Don't believe me? Just go right now and switch on the radio. I will bet my WWF trump cards and tenth standard slam book that they are playing advertisements right now. See? In a 4-hour radio program only 30 seconds of content they are putting. Rest of all is a giant ad skit about a father who got his daughter married successfully because he invested in real estate. Such nonsense!

These television guys are even worse. Uff. First of all they don't have proper content itself. On top of that they are bombarding the television with so much advertisements all the time. Who is that idiot marketing guy sponsoring all such crappy television shows? Boss, in the history of my entire life, not even once have I sat down for dinner and seen a proper television program for the full dinner. Every single day I sit down to eat and switch on the TV and they are showing advertisements. I am like, ok fine let me start eating, maybe program will come soon and I eat and I eat and I reach curd rice and they are still showing advertisements. I get up and then they will put ticker like 'Back in 30 seconds...29...28..' Bloody idiots.

Arey if the ads are good at least fine, I can swallow. Correctly when I am eating dinner only they will put ads of Harpic, Domex, any and every other item ever invented to clean the toilet. Ugh the worst is who you know? Every night when I am eating one aunty will come and put her hand in the toilet area and rub it nicely to show that toilet is clean. What the absolute atrocity of an act to see when you are eating your favorite dish? Thinking that itself makes me want to puke all over this keyboard now.

Then the shaving ads. Boss let me tell all the ladies and some gents one thing clearly. That level of clean shaven face they are showing in advertisements is possible in only one way. First you have to set fire to your facial hair, then rub the face with sand paper (ISO P12) for 24 hours and then polish it with tamarind and Sabena powder five times a day for one week. Only then you will get smooth face like that. What levels of stupidity they are assuming about us I don’t know.

And then there are the new age fools. The internet ads. All sort of circus they do on screen the minute I open one website. Videos will start playing. Random sounds will come. Ads will pop up from left, right, bottom left, bottom right, Agneya,  Īśāna and all other possible directions. Then whatever you want to read will slowly disappear downwards and giant car will come and sit on your screen. One website is actually having a car move from left to right, and then from right to left, with a little 'close' button on the dicky. Boss I am here to read news article. Not play video games!

Worst experience is when I am trying to improve my intelligence by reading some knowledgeable articles about Cosmos and space and black holes and I am scrolling down and suddenly one ad appears saying 'Buy Black Hole underwear 5 pieces for just Rs. 999/- (Google Ad)'. I simply don't understand why they are thinking in the first place ki people will suddenly feel like buying underwear in the middle of reading a scientific article.

Such bombardment with ads causes much trauma to the brain. I think just like how government has rehabilitation programs for people affected by war or too much exposure to things like nuclear radiation or Newshour, they should also have rehabilitation program or something for people affected by exposure to too many advertisements.

How much they are present in our life?! And it’s not even like they are asking our permission! Just like that they decided to torture us with their stupid ads.

It's ridiculous no? How they think that, if we are interested in something they have a right to be present there. ‘Oh! You are looking somewhere. Wait wait I will come and put my ad there and block your view.’ ‘Oh you are listening to something? Please excuse us, we are owning the soundwaves and so please listen to this crappy ad.’

Boss I understand not everything can be free and so they have to make money to sustain and all that MBA related stuff. All that is fine. But that is not the only aim no? Immediately you will say ki boss if you don't want all this means pay up, then we will talk. That is also correct. But it is not like I have a choice to go anywhere. Na?

It is a city. It is an emotion. It is a collection of villages. It is a separate nation. What and all random ways to describe it no? What the hell is this city?

This city makes me angry. The timepass digging along the road. The water stagnating because of the digging. The traffic stagnating because of the water. Vehicles are not at all moving and my patience is vanishing like my grandmother's front teeth. It drives me crazy and so I try to get off the vehicle to shout at someone to vent my anger and then traffic starts moving. Bloody city doesn't even allow me to get angry properly.

Typical Madras behaviour. It's there, but not too much. Just like all the other things. Like, the display of wealth. The city lets the rich fellows flaunt their wealth. But never lets it get vulgar. Modesty is in its DNA.

This city makes me argumentative. I want to argue with the autorickshaw driver who doesn't want to turn that meter on. Does he not know the rules of the game have changed?  I want to argue with the newspaper boy who delivers newspaper late just on ONE day. Does he not know that the day doesn't start until I read it? I want to get into an argument with a Brian Lara fan. With a Kamal Haasan fanboy.  With a Times of India reader.

This city makes me hate it. Not in a hateful way. But like how its mothers hate their children when they miss out on centum in maths exams by two marks. Why is there no perfection? It is possible, is it not? And it behaves like a kid that refuses to acknowledge that it has grown up. Why else will it still call its suburbs villages? Does it not see the cars parked on the streets because uncles, when they bought the apartments, never imagined they’d buy cars one day? And yet look! How they have grown!

This city makes me conservative. It tells me to have fun, but “within limits”. It reminds me of home the moment it strikes 9 in the night because I must call and tell them that I'm eating outside and don't need dinner. I can lose myself in a party. But only until midnight. After which I have to head home. Always.

This city tempts me with its humble but powerful invisible force. Like the one coming from a plate of hot sambar vadai sprinkled with little onion pieces and topped with ghee.

This city makes me ask. It has everything I need but it’s all secretly stashed away out of sight. Like how a mother hides the biscuits from the child. It gives only if it feels like rewarding me.

This city doesn't care how much money I have. It's more interested in what I read. What sport do I follow. (Never mind if I don't play one.) It is interested in my opinion. Can I engage in an intellectual discussion with it? In the comments section of a blog post? How about on Twitter?

This city makes me belong.

It doesn't care about my appearance. It makes me feel completely comfortable in uncoordinated checked blue shirt and brown pants. It pretends like it matters where I come from. But it really doesn't care. It doesn't force me to speak its language. Instead, it will speak my language willingly. 'Kaise ho mera dost?' 'Yemi babu?' 'Entha chetta?'

This city has got nothing special. Nothing makes it special.  

But this city is home. Like any city that is home, this city makes me…normal.

I am on a mission.

Whenever someone tells you ki the world is coming to an end and the end is near because people have lost faith in God and that belief in God is reducing day by day and all that means DON'T BELIEVE THEM!

Today, more than ever, belief is growing only. Simply because the number of people on earth today is numerically more than the number of people on earth in 10,000 BC, right? And so numerically (even after adjusting for inflation and PPP) belief is also growing right? Arey we have been multiplying like crazy no? The only creature that is doing better than us is mosquito, but that is a different story. Leave that. But net-net in toto NPV of belief is more than ever.

Boss what are you saying ki people are not believing anymore and so we are losing all the traditional values? Come to my house. The display of devotion in just my house alone is enough to compensate for all the non-believers in the world. I think my family has it covered for all of us for this millennium.

In spite of all this, if something is not right means they cannot blame us.

I am complaining about all these long long religious procedures and lengthy literature directory that we have to recite on festival days means they are giving shorter version of the same thing saying, 'These 4 lines if you say means, you will have the same benefit of saying the entire literature'. Arey! Then why to sit and say the entire thing and spend time? Unnecessary glorification of pain. You are only inventing shortcuts and then blaming the next generation for avoiding traditional practices means what is this?

Arey, earlier it used to be watching TV serials back to back. Like a silly goose, that day itself I should have not complained and let it be. At least TV serials have season 1 and season 2 etc. Then some genius thought of putting HD camera in all the temples. Now all the time, all seasons there is direct telecast from all the temples and all religious places in the world direct to TV!

As soon as Live Aarthi in one temple is over immediately they are changing TV channels to the next. Even God is like 'Boss, slow down. I have not reached there yet.'

Ridiculous theories yaar. Values are degrading it seems. Here is a simple logic. Earlier days, no computer. So, no wallpaper. Today, there is computer. Computer has wallpaper. Wallpaper is God photo. Earlier, no God. Now, God. Got it?

Computer wallpaper is the simplest and most harmless avatar. Ringtones, caller tunes, plastic covers, calendars…CALENDARS! Boss I still have 1993 calendar card with God photo on my table! Because I don't know what to do with it!

Iron Man 2 is going on TV means go to hell. Tony Stark can wait. 'How many times will you watch the same movie again and again? Live Aarthi session comes only once....a day.'

This at least ok yaar. Aunty is going to that temple and correctly calling up the family and saying 'I am there only. Can you see me on TV?' and then they are like 'Wait wait, don't change channels, they will show aunty.' What?! You want to watch the God or aunty on TV? So crazy man!

Already our childhood is scarred by that LTA thing where we took train, bus and flight to go from one temple to another. So many temple visits ki then only I realised what they meant by saying 'God is everywhere.'

So we want to escape all that using technology but that also you are not letting means what to do?

Boss, broadband connection I am increasing all speed and free GB limit and everything so that I can download all latest TV series. But now I am getting ridiculous amounts of monthly bill and I am sitting and wondering, only one season is out and that too four episodes then how come I exhausted the download limit means only then I am realizing another kind of live streaming is going on. Any festival and function means direct Youtube only to access God. That too in HD.

In between, some devotional sites are sending some viruses also. What crazy irony!

First of all, Ban honking. Then Ban Dhoom themed car-reversing tunes. Ban car reversing tunes.

Ban anger-inducing annoying stupid speed breakers that exist in the middle of the road for no reason other than to make men impotent. Ban public display of middle finger by angry car drivers. Ban angry people from driving cars. Ban angry people from driving anything. Ban anger.

Ban unhealthy food. Actually don't. But ban them from being eaten by children. Ban peas pulao and one-fourth naan at buffet lunches during all-day bullet point filled power point presentations. Ban power point presentations. Ban bullets.

Ban reality television for kids. Ban children from talking like grownups. Ban grownups from stealing children's childhood. Ban anything that takes away childhood from children.

Ban preferential treatment to car owners in hotels. Ban discrimination against single people.

Ban ridiculous marketing campaigns asking men to shave in order to get laid. Ban asking men to shave. Ban anything except condoms that men have to buy so that they can get laid.

Ban full page real estate ads. Ban any kind of real estate ads.

Ban ridiculously expensive mineral water that claims to have Gold, Silver, Bronze, Diamond, Emerald, Ruby, Sun, Moon, Milky Way, Big Bang, God Particle in ultramicroscopisitical quantities. Ban fairness cream. Ban photoshopping wrinkles. Ban wrinkle free creams to get that perfect fake smile. Ban fake smiles.

Ban messing with the hair to get that messy look. Ban baldness curing solutions.

Ban playing with guilt by NGOs.

Ban people from walking around the room while brushing their teeth.

Ban people from talking on mobile phones in movie theaters. Ban interfering when others are speaking. Ban unproductive Parliament adjournments.

Ban plastic chairs.

Ban complicating discussions on sports and music by elitists. Ban complications. Ban elitism. Ban priority seats. Ban priority seats until I am given priority seats.

Ban 'Caveat Emptor'.

Ban laughing at others' misery. Ban misery.

Ban using money as a measure to define success. Ban using social status to define success. Ban defining success.

Ban goodbyes.

Ban linguistic barriers. Ban contempt to familiarity.

Ban patriotism as an excuse. Ban boundaries.

Ban people from taking themselves seriously. Ban taking language seriously. Ban grammar nazis. Ban intolerance. Ban hiding behind tradition. Ban confusing history textbooks with Future for Dummies.

I don’t understand this logic only. All our life we are focusing on the future and saving for the future and joining useless retirement-cum-insurance-cum-savings-cum-investment-cum-protection-for-the-kid-that-will-be-born-after-the-wedding-once-you-decide-to-get-married schemes so that we can live happily ever after and then you are going around puking nostalgia nostalgia into everyone's ears means what is this?

  First of all you tell me when is that ‘those days’? When does it begin? When does it end?

  Arey, nostalgia is understandable. For that only every week they dedicate one page in The Hindu. Read it and be happy no? Why simply insisting 'I miss those days. We must bring back those days. Things used to be so much better!'

  What better? Metrowater used to come to our street and give us three buckets of water every day. Rascals. Three buckets?!

  Arey you only complained ki if I go to State Bank and all the employees are not respecting us and they are so inefficient and this and that and so they put computers everywhere and automated all processes so that you won’t have to see the face of that uncle whom you hate so much. Now you are calling up the automated call centre insisting that you speak to the customer care executive and if they are delaying means again you are complaining 'I miss those days when there used to be human touch'. Arey! Do you want computers or not?

  If you want human interaction means tell properly. Don't want means that also tell properly. You are only saying it is rude to be checking mobile phone all the time when there are other people around, make eye contact, make eye contact. So, in the train nice guy desperately tries to strike one conversation with pretty girl after desperately trying to make eye contact. (To reach this stage itself many levels of miracles and IRCTC blessings has to happen.) 

And then top of that you are avoiding the conversation by putting on earphones and sending out status updates and tweets saying 'Creepy random guy trying to strike conversation. Successfully avoided by putting on earphones. Lulz.' means how? If you give confusing signals like this means where to go and bang the head?

  So much mixed signals. You only keep saying ki in those days kings used to take care of their 'subjects', kings used to be nice to people, kings were benevolent, kings were this, kings were that, the Great King built the Great Statues and all that.  If any damage happens to the statues these kings built means you are making so much noise and shouting our heritage is gone, no respect for culture and this country has gone to dogs and all that you are saying.

You want to carefully protect the statues that these kings built using public money in those days. You also want to bring back the Glorious Rule of the Great Kings from our Glorious Past.

Our politics fellows are looking at all of this and thinking, 'Oho, so if we built statues means our future generation will think we are great' and they are going and constructing statues using public money just like the Great King. Then immediately you are creating online petitions to stop wasteful expenditure of tax-payer’s money. What happened to nostalgia now?

  You want nostalgia and take things back to where they were and so the TV people are noting all of this and going and bringing back all those old actors and making them dance and conduct horrible reality shows.

Anil Kapoor is not retiring only.

People are like where are all the gentlemen these days, there used to be so many gentlemen in those days and they are looking here and there and then they show him as the ultimate Gentleman of those days and people are going 'Ewwww! So hairy and gross!'. Some people will start making jokes about his body hair and everybody will join in and laugh. As if they don’t have hair anywhere.

You wanted nostalgia no? Doesn't look good or what?

  Sitting on a high pedestal that Shakespeare himself vacated many centuries back you are commenting on all the new things that new people are trying to do and complaining ki this is not how it was traditionally done in those days, they are polluting the art, treating art with disrespect and all that.

And then when these new people become old, everybody is saying oh what a genius this that. Why all this trouble? One thing. If you are not able to appreciate the work of contemporaries, then they are definitely going to land up in the textbooks of the next generation.

  Do one thing. Avoid all this and emulate the grandmother. She is happily sitting in front of the TV watching all TV serials and embracing the future quietly by refusing to give the TV remote while you are going around the city searching for 'authentic local cuisine' (that she can comfortably cook without any effort).

Our teachers taught us languages. They taught us to speak, read, write, shout and whisper words. They taught us meanings and taught us what to say. But they never disclosed the power of these words. No one taught us that words could make us laugh. Or cry. Or heal. Or make us fall in love. Or could be used as weapons to hurt.

  They taught us science. They taught us its wonders. They taught us how things work. They took us deep into the oceans and into the space and beyond. They asked us to question. They asked us to think rationally. But they didn't tell us when to stop questioning and start believing. They didn’t tell us anything about having faith.

  The teachers taught us mathematics. To add. And multiply. Subtract, but only if we can afford to. Borrow, if need be. They took us into the fascinating world of numbers so that we could get lost in them for the rest of our lives chasing them. They taught us volumes and quantities. Of measures and comparison. But they never told us how much is too much. They didn’t teach us that when some debts are not repaid, the loss cannot be quantified.

  They taught us geography. Of countries and capitals. Of boundaries and barriers. But they never taught us that the boundaries exist only inside the head.

  They taught us history. They took us back in time. They told us who won. And who lost. But never why. They didn’t teach us how not to go to war. To learn from our mistakes. They taught us to romanticise the victors. Pity the losers. Of conquests and battles. But they didn't tell us how not to let success get to the head.

  They tested us to see how we handled pressure. But they never tested us to see how we handle fame. Or criticism.

  They taught us to compete. To win a debate. To rebut a point. But they didn’t teach us that it's alright to speak our heart out and express our opinion and not feel guilty about it. They never tested us to see if we would let differing opinions survive around us without feeling insecure.

  They didn't teach us the devastating power of anger. Or that actions performed in a moment of anger may never be undone. Ever.

  They didn’t teach us the importance of our loved ones. Or that we must never hate them because they may be gone the next day and we may never see them again for the rest of our lives.

  They sure didn't teach us how to fall in love. Or how to express our love to the girl. Or boy. Nor did they teach us to celebrate it. They never quantified the power of attraction between two human beings. And they didn't tell us what would happen to us when that attraction disappeared in one quick instant. They never taught us how to handle real pain.

'Oh my god our distant cousin just beat his wife and children! That too in the most horrible manner!'

'War!'

'He has never been a good person. Beats his own family. What kind of a person beats his own family?'

'War!'

'Blimey! I mean, did you see how he hurt? Can you imagine how cruel he must be to hurt like that? We have a whole different way of hurting, but that is so ethical. What this guy is doing inside his house is so unacceptable. So much violation!'

'War.'

'Come let's go and hurt him jolly good.'

'War!!'

'Oh wait, I will also join you, ami. I am anyway sick and tired of dealing with problems in my house. I want some fun too.'

'War!!!!!!!!'

'Oh hang on, are you guys going inside his house to hurt him? Do you think that's ok?'

'War.'

'Right ho! We know he hurts his family, he is a wife beater, but the way in which he hurt his people this time is totally unacceptable.'

'War.'

'What do you expect, old fella? That we sit on the sidelines and watch innocent people being tortured? I am with Big Brother on this.'

'War!'

'Oui oui.'

'War.'

'Ok ok wait, let's send some police in there and let them find out if what you say is true.'

'War.'

'You don't jolly understand jolly good fellow. The police will never find out.'

'War.'

'Oui oui. Le police are being cheated and misdirected.'

'War.'

'But we still don't know for sure. Wait no! Let the police come out with its report.'

'War!'

'Ok ok. Here is a solution. Let us call our entire family and see if they agree that we go into his house and beat him. If they agree, we will go.'

'War.'

'I think that sounds like a good idea. Listen, I have the biggest family here. I represent one-sixth of the entire family and I think we should wait.'

'WAR!!!!!!!!'

'Listen buddy, I don't really like you, but my house is the biggest around here. I am also telling you, let us call him to the family house and talk to him.'

'WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'What ho, are you talking? We are the family. You can have your opinions but we gave money for this family house and so we decide what the family is going to do. As it is, we don't really care what the family thinks. This family house is a nice outlet for you guys to come and talk, so please feel free to talk. We will do what we really want to do.'

'War.'

'Arey, listen no! Don't put us into such embarrassing position again and again yaar! I know you give us a lot of money, but what to do right now, I am also convinced ki we should wait but if I tell you means you will not give us money and I dont know what is going to happen and I am so confused all the time and I never go to other people's house and beat them but what to do I am so confused oh no...'

'War.'

'If we go inside his house how, that fellow will go batshit and go around beating other families around him and it will be a bigger problem. Please. Let us go talk to him.'

'War.'

'Oye. You first look inside your house and see how many people are beating each other up. School children are being damaged by other school children and you are here trying to set other people's families right. Go go. If you have money to spend means give it to poor people or something. No need to feed bouncers so that they can go inside other people's houses and beat them up.'

'WAR!!!!!!! WAR!!!!!! WAR!!!!!!!'

'Boss, I know I am in your family, but last time itself we did something like this and that fellow's house is still damaged. His family members are still running in the streets like mental fellows and so much damage has happened. Our credit card limit also got exhausted and our own family people were left homeless. Wait, no?'

'WAR!!!!!'

'It's ok ami. We will just go inside, tap his head, knock him unconscious, and come out.'

'War.'

'If need be, we will also liberate the family and find a new head of the family. The barmy fellow must go. And I never really liked his house. So hot and ugly.'

'War.'

'Do you not understand what we are saying? Are you really not listeni...'

'...These wankers will keep yakking. Come on jolly good fellow. It's time for action.'

'Oui oui.'

There are some things I don't understand. Or some people. Both are same. Aunties and uncles for example. Who invented them? And why?

Function in the house means first they are only landing. 

Who is asking the aunty to come all the way from some suburb way outside the city and pester me with uncomfortable questions? Other than the usual M question, she goes on pestering about how I have forgotten her and how I am not giving respect to her. 'Not even once you felt like coming and seeing your aunty no? Everytime I only have to come!', she is blackmailing sentimentally. Arey who will want to go all the way to some some suburb and eat home cooked food and snooze and come back in the evening? What is this? 1980s or what? You have any idea how rare one weekend is? Comes only once a week.

While scolding me, she is also fighting with the mother. Some leftover argument from last time she starts with her and continues. At the same time she is handing over a bag full of vegetables she bought near the bus stop. (Aunty-uncle living in the suburb still swear by public transport and auto is still a luxury. Ayyo.) Loud pitched verbal diarrhoea is happening and at the same time she sits on the floor stretching her legs and starts cutting the vegetables and is helping mother cook, all the time arguing something or the other with her. Absolutely no connection between the actions and words.

And randomly she is bringing in uncle for special effects. 'Uncle has been asking about you for so many days now. At least to see him you can come no?' And then she is turning to the mother and asks 'Is your son so busy that he cannot come and even see his uncle?'.

Poor uncle is standing the middle of the house with his hands on his hips and staring at the blank wall. He has spotted some ants and trying to trace their path or something. And then he asks about my work life and where I travelled last on work. When I tell where, he asks which train I took and then he takes off on a journey of his own about different trains going to the same town. 

I don't understand it but senior citizens are always having some fascination towards railways and go crazy about discussing train routes. 'Train will stop in Jolarpettai for 20 minutes, Train arrived at Katpadi junction on time...' something or the other about the train timing they want to keep on talking. Trainporn. I think they all secretly wanted to be train drivers or something but their father said 'What? You will put coal into the engine for the rest of your life or what? Go do bank job, go'. Anyway.

Uncle is casually showing off his worldly knowledge he gathered from the newspaper that morning and then mother hands out coffee to him. Aunty, meanwhile, has finished cutting vegetables and is now helping mother cook in the kitchen.

Then other people arrive.

'Welcome welcome' uncle says loudly. Aunty looks out from the kitchen and joins him. 'Welcome welcome..where are the kids?', she asks the visitors. Suddenly, from being visitors themselves, they are now part of the family, doing things we should be doing.

And then some argument or the other happens with the newcomer 'Now only you found the route to this house is it?'. And then the whole process again. Uff.

(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don't come shouting at me. I am not responsible.)

10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost.

9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic. Because the main thing is they don't have any distraction on the road. But you are having a major distraction on the road. Them. Even if you succeed, you will be caught by the traffic police at the next signal and the ladies will be happily going past you. Worst thing is, even then they will not turn and look at you.

8. Don't try to get into or discuss misogyny stuff with them. Some ladies I know can do it better than men.

7. When you are out with the ladies shopping for something on the pavement, don't show off by trying to take the lead and bargain with the shopkeeper. He will look at you top to bottom and take his stuff back and ask you to leave. Wait for the ladies to start bargaining and that fellow's starting price will be half of your final offer.

6. Whatever you do, better don't assume that women don't know bad words and get into an argument based on their puppy-face innocent looks. Boss, I am telling you, one woman I know knows so much bad words that I suffered severe internal brain damage listening to her. New new dictionaries are waiting to be written.

5. Sports. Avoid discussing this ladies. No No. Not because of the stereotype that women don't follow sports and all that. Actually the opposite. The other day I was randomly showing off my love for cricket to one girl and she immediately jumped up and started talking about changing Sri Lankan cricket scenario. Boss who follows Sri Lankan cricket anyway, that too if India is not even playing! And she kept quoting so many statistics about the players that at some point I was seriously considering following carrom board or something. If they tell you they don’t follow sports, don't discuss sports. Discuss something else that makes good conversation. If they tell you they follow sports, then also don't discuss sports. You are doing your pride a big favour.

4. Do not try to outdo the ladies by reading more books than they read. That is impossible. No. Don't even protest. They are reading all sorts of authors and all sorts of books that you will be beginning to think you have to quit your fulltime job to even match that amount of reading. If you have read 2,54,874 books in your lifetime, your lady friend would have read 2,54,875 books, many of them even depressing titles. And despite all this, you will be finding hardly any common authors worthy enough for conversation. Except P.G.Wodehouse. Of course.

3. Just don’t think ki all women can cook great. One friend couple I know, that guy is a horrible cook. That woman is even more horrible. One day I went to eat with them. That guy only cooked. That woman was saying 'Yummmmyyyyyy'. Boss, there was no salt only! What kind of culinary skill is this?

2. Don't lose your ordinariness. ‘Prince charming’ in white horse, vampire, ‘knight in shining armour ‘and all that the ladies will say, but ordinary fellow wins in the end.

1. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Do not challenge a woman in a gym. I am serious. If you go to a gym means just go, look down all the time, do your routine, come back home and drink milk. If you think, 'Pfft, a woman, I can do better than her' means, all the best.

One pretty woman in the gym was putting off her headphones in her ears. She looked like she was getting ready to jog or walk on the treadmill. Correct that's what I thought. Wrong. Boss, she pressed some buttons and started running. Like, real running. The kind of running you and I have last done only on a day when we forgot to polish our school shoes and our PT teacher had a fight with the spouse that morning.

I kid you not man, I tried to match her speed for exactly 11 seconds before I tripped and fell off the treadmill and my foot got caught in the moving rubber and I was rolling over and under the treadmill in circles but she was running as if nothing was happening! Arey, focus while exercising is good, but this kind of focus is too much yaar.

They called an ambulance for me and all and she was still running when the paramedics took me inside the ambulance, completely unaware of my life situation for which she was responsible. Later I checked, it seems she was still running when the gym was closing for the day and when the neighbouring shop owner looked through the glass when the last light was switched off, she was still running.

So boss, take my advice. And take care of yourself.

Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don't know how to explain only. Because I myself don't know what the problem is!

See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a big confusion all the time. So sometimes I pleasure the rebel in myself by breaking the traffic signals. I mean, not like climbing up the pole and throwing down the traffic light and breaking it types. But, generally breaking the rules.

But seriously, when I am breaking the rules, nobody is around ok? So net damage is zero. But when I am following the rules and someone else breaks the rules no, I bloody want to break his face only. It is because of stupid people like this that the country is still ‘developing’ (whatever that means).

Arey the other day, this fellow made a joke about me and told me itself! How dare he? I was about to slap him only. He asked me whether it was a bad joke! Arey! How can he make fun of me? Boss I will tell jokes about everyone and make people laugh (making people laugh is such a noble thing), I will make fun of all actors and politicians and other people's physical appearances and might even get paid for it, but if someone makes fun of me means, that's all. I will whoop their ass in public, baby. Sorry boss, I can only tell jokes but I can't take jokes.

So I wrote this giant article about a movie by one actor who is a megalomaniac and uses all possible ways to promote his work, ok? That fellow usually shamelessly plugs his works and goes about selling his art, something that he has invested in for decades. So I wrote a nice article against his silly methods. Boss it was such a beautiful article I wrote, I wanted everyone to read and appreciate my criticism. I asked people to share it and retweet it and like it and comment on it. Then one stupid fellow is putting a comment and criticising ki he didn’t like my critique. What the hell yaar? How can he say such a thing?

I want to look around and beat up people like that.

I especially want to beat up people who look at other human beings as pieces of meat. I want to break their jaws if they make dirty comments in public. How dare they look at other people as if they were objects?! Boss I will secretly admire film stars and models and fantasise about them but you cannot do it. Please. Not in my presence. Privately you do whatever you want to do or behave however you want to behave and regard other human beings as you want to, but in public, behave as if you are basically a nice person. Because who I really am not is not important for you. What others think of me is only important. So I will behave like a nice person and not really offend anyone openly.

But you know how I will slyly offend people. For that also I have a technique.

I will insult them by giving 'offensive tags' to natural processes. I will call older people as 'uncle-based' and 'aunty-types'. Because being called old is bad and being called young is good, you see. I will call fat people fat. Because being called fat is bad but being called slim is good.

Ugly is bad. Beautiful is good. [Ok, this one I didn't understand properly. Because if someone is not naturally beautiful but appears beautiful because of using make up, then what is there to be proud of? That beauty is anyway artificial. If someone is naturally beautiful from birth, then also what is there to be proud of? That person had nothing to do with their beauty. They were just born that way. Full confusion yaar!]

Anyway, that is the basic problem. I am telling them to do one thing and everybody is doing exactly the opposite. So many serious problems are there in the world and we are talking about such silly issues.