The Legend Of Local Man

Tuesday December 11th 2018, Murray and Judas were hanging out at Mendota’s sleaziest strip joint The Glitter Puddle. He was having a great time until one of the dancers, Teenage Pregnancy, spilled Murray’s Budweiser all over him. Murray looked down found his pants stained and they now smelled like pennies. She apologized profusely and got him another beer for free but in Murray’s eyes she was already marked for death. He said to Judas who was getting a lap dance ” get that disgusting whore off of you and lets go”. He paid his bill for the first time in months and then left.

Fast forward to closing time, Alan Richards had the bouncer, Parkinson's, escort Teenage Pregnancy to her car knowing that Murray may be nearby lying in wait. His assumption was right as Teenage Pregnancy was leaving the parking lot she saw Murray standing in the street staring at her. She drove home as fast as she could and bolted the door shut and sat in bed all night crying terrified of what may come. She wished that she had actually finished high school instead of getting expelled for sucking dicks in the bathroom to trade for skittles and key bumps. But here she was a filthy druggie whore with an unstoppable madman after her.

Murray had never killed from a distance before but he was always open to trying new things. He had gone to his friend Bimmy Larson and borrowed the biggest gun that he had, a Barrett M82a 50 caliber rifle. Murray thanked Bimmy and promised him cold beers when he was finished using it.

A week later Murray was sitting on the roof of Stacey’s General Store across the street from Teenage Pregnancy’s apartment. He had dropped a lot of money on snacks and beer for this operation. He had been on this rooftop for days staking out her place while planning his next move. Teenage Pregnancy’s life was erratic making it very hard to form any sense of schedule but one thing was consistent she always came home to see her cuck boyfriend after work at about 2:30 am. Murray took a mean shit in the Stacey’s bathroom and a nap on the roof while he waited for his prey to return. He warned the young cashier Monika Petes, daughter of Officer Wentz Petes, not to look across the street from 2:30 to 2:45.

2:30 finally came and Murray was primed and ready. Teenage Pregnancy pulled into the parking lot and ran from her car to the inside of the building thinking she was safe inside. She was very wrong. Murray was looking through a window that showed the stairwell of the apartment building. Murray knew he would only get one shot so he waited patiently and held his breath as she came into view. Just as her left foot touched the top step her right leg exploded and then she heard the glass shatter. She screamed as she tumbled down the stairs in pure agony as a fine red mist hung in the air. Murray had hit is shot dead on hitting Teenage Pregnancy’s kneecap taking out almost the whole leg leaving only some scraps of flesh and a fleshy nub six inches above where her knee had been. She passed out from shock as her head collided with the bottom concrete stair.

Teenage pregnancy woke up hours later in a bathtub behind some barn, tied up and her wound cauterized shut with a 1/16th steel plate stuck to the end. She tried to scream only to find out that she had been gagged. Then Murray appeared above the tub his face hidden in shadow. He pulled something out of his Duster and she froze in fear her eyes filled with pure terror. The object turned out to be a budweiser in a bottle which Murray uncapped and dumped out over her head. “Tastes like pennies doesn’t it” he said. “Now we will see how you like to be spilled on” he said as he walked to his car. He returned with a Jerry can in his hand and began to fill the bathtub with gasoline. The tub had been filled about 3 inches high with gas when the can was empty and Murray began to walk back to his car. He put the can back in the trunk and lit a cigarette. As he got into the car and started it he said “none of this would have happened if you had just been more careful you lousy whore”. She thought he was going to leave  as she heard the car get further away but her hopes were dashed when she heard the car turn around and start coming closer. As the car passed Murray flicked his lit cig into the tub igniting the pyre he had made. The soaked ropes that bound Teenage Pregnancy burned before she did and she tried to escape the tub but her now missing leg prevented her from doing so. She screamed as the gag burned away and she was consumed slowly by the flames her hair going first and then her skin followed soon after. 5 minutes later as the fire burned out Murray returned to examine the mess he had made. The smell of burnt hair stinging his nose. Teenage Pregnancy had been reduce to nothing but a charred skeleton as black as a smoker’s lungs. It had been a long night with no breaks so Murray relieved himself on the skeleton.

January 2nd 2019, Scoliosis ran afoul of Murray Simmons. At the Speedway next to the bank in Mendota Murray was waiting in line to get a coffee. He really wanted the espresso blend and Scoliosis poured the second to last cup from the espresso pot. As Scoliosis was about to walk away he dropped his cup and it spilled on the floor like black Colombian crude oil. So he poured another cup emptying the pot and walking to the checkout counter. Murray stood there and stared at the empty pot his hands twitching as he contemplated how he would avenge this slight.

The nice brown man behind the bulletproof glass was ringing up Scoliosis when he heard a coffee pot shatter and looked up to see Scoliosis bleeding from the head with Murray’s right hand around his throat. The cashier watched in horror as Murray choked Scoliosis unconscious. As Murray let Scoliosis fall to the floor half dead he kindly asked the cashier if he could make another pot of espresso.

Once Murray had his delicious delicious espresso he dragged Scoliosis outside took off his coat and tied him to the undercarriage of the Judge. Then Murray waited 20 more minutes for Scoliosis to wake up. As he woke up he looked up and saw Murray standing over him sipping his espresso. Scoliosis screamed for help and everyone around averted their gaze. Some were happy to see the concepts taken down a peg but others just couldn’t bear to see what Murray was doing.

Murray got into the Judge and started driving around town as Scoliosis’ man flesh began to be left behind on the pavement. The rope left about 5 feet of space between Scoliosis and the car so that every time Murray took a turn he got whipped around on his leash. After about 6 miles at roughly 56 miles per hour Murray was pulled over by Officer Wentz Petes. Officer Wentz said “Look Murray I can give you a ticket for hauling without a hitch or you can let him go”. Murray begrudgingly un-tied Scoliosis and left him on the side of the road.

On November 7th 2018 Progeria cut Murray off in traffic. Progeria thought nothing of it she was a hard working single mother who just wanted to get her groceries home so she could make dinner for her kids Osteoporosis and Tetanus. But Murray thought about it, Murray thought it a lot.

Murray began to follow Progeria around covertly for months gathering intel for his revenge. He figured out what stores and ATMs she went to and how often she went to them. He learned her daily routine:

Progeria gets up at 6 to make breakfast for herself and her kids. She leaves for work at 6:45 in her white 2014 Chevy Equinox with roughly 75 thousand miles on it. She arrives at Enterprise car rentals between 7:15 and 7:25 each morning with little variation. She had worked there for 5 years and 4 months when first observed. Between 12:30 and 1:00 She takes her break returning between 1:15 and 1:45 either goes to Dunkin Donuts or Subway for lunch. Leaves work at 3:30 every day and then goes straight home to help her kids with homework except on Wednesdays she goes to the Fairplay and Family Dollar to buy groceries. Returns to her home between 4:15 and 4:30 everyday time varies on Wednesday. Usually makes dinner upon arriving home and then sits down to watch prerecorded NCIS on her DVR. Usually goes to sleep between 9:30 and 10:00. On the weekends she stays in unless she has to drive her kids somewhere or if she goes on a date.

Murray learned all this in the span of a 2 month stakeout and carefully planned when he would strike.  Making copies of her car and house keys incase he needed them. Progeria’s work was having a Gala at the local high school in early January. On what should be a joyful night for Progeria is when Murray planned to strike.

The day of the Gala came and Progeria had gone out and bought a beautiful new evening dress for the event and had got her hair done at the salon run by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She was very excited for the dance and she planned to walk because the high school was only 3 blocks away. She left her house at 7:45 and started walking to the high school not knowing it would be the last time she walked unassisted for a long time.

When she was a block away Murray stepped out of a dark alleyway wearing a duster and approached Progeria silently from behind brandishing his custom Colt 45. Murray was 3 feet away when he yelled “Turn around you miserable sow!” Progeria turned around quickly and was greeted with a 45 caliber bullet tearing through her stomach and small intestine. She shrieked in pain as blood and stomach acid oozed from her wound. Murray lined up a second shot and fired hitting between the 23rd and 24th vertebrae crippling Progeria. Her legs gave out immediately and she tried to crawl away as her guts continued to make stains on the sidewalk. “Please stop” she pleaded as Murray walked closer and closer. Murray bent down and put the gun against Progeria’s head between her eyes the hot muzzle leaving burns on her forehead. He pulled the trigger and the gun went click and he said “ Your life is mine but I don’t want it yet” and he walked away leaving Progeria to suffer alone with the knowledge the law wouldn’t save her.

Many people looked at what had happened and did nothing for about an hour until Alan Richards owner of The Glitter Puddle called an ambulance. It took 46 hours in the emergency room before Progeria was out of critical condition. 46 hours of constant fear that Murray would return to finish the job. But he did not return and after 3 weeks in the hospital Progeria began the grueling physical therapy to help her walk again.

After three years of Physical and mental therapy, and living in constant fear that Murray would return to finish the job, Progeria regained the ability to walk days before her two kids graduated high school. She was so excited to be able to walk up and hug them after they had received their hard earned diplomas. But unfortunately for her that’s when Murray had planned to strike.

On the day of the graduation Progeria was getting dressed before the ceremony upstairs in her room. She heard her front door unlock thinking “that’s odd the kids should be at the school already” and looked out her door to see Murray standing there with a grin and a gun in hand.

Before she could scream Murray shot out both her kneecaps forcing her to the ground. Then she screamed as tears streamed down her face. “Why are you doing this to me” she cried. Murray just wordlessly plugged another hole in Progeria’s spinal column this time ensuring her arms were useless as well. Hot blood was pooling on the floor as Murray dragged her to the edge of the staircase. Planting one foot on her back and the other on the back of he rode her down the stairs like a surfboard knocking out many of her teeth. As consciousness began to slip from Progeria, Murray finally said “It’s a shame your kids are gonna see an empty seat at graduation” as he pulled a 12 gauge Remington Magnum Express out from his duster. He placed it under her chin and fired exploding her head like an overripe watermelon splattering on the floor and walls and leaving a fine red mist that hung in the air for a minute.

Murray then went and stole a gallon of milk and some microwave mashed potatoes from Progeria’s refrigerator and went home to watch hockey with his buddy Judas. He was happy to know that a score had at long last been settled decisively.  

Tuesday October 9th 2018 is a date that lives in infamy in the rural town of Mendota Illinois. On that day Murray Simmons “killed” time. But to know the legend you have to know the man first. Murray Simmons was a surly union worker of Irish descent, born and raised in LaSalle county Illinois. He was always a big kid and as an adult he grew to be a goliath standing 6 ft 10 and weighing 300 lbs. To most he seemed cold and uncaring but those that knew him would tell you how passionate a man he was. He loved the mill, his car, the movies, and his dog Missile more than most men would ever love their children or their wives. Murray had been working at the Mendota steel mill since he was 20 and it always ensured that his physique stayed in peak condition. Murray was a man of iron when it came to disagreements he would break before he bent, and this left many a man in critical condition after running afoul of him.

October 9th started just like any other day for Murray. He woke up at 6AM and ate a breakfast, consisting of microwave pancakes, sausage links and two Coors Banquets. Then he fed Missile some top shelf dog food and walked out to his garage. He got into his black 1969 Pontiac Judge and drove to the Mill. It was an uneventful day at work, no one got set on fire and no one got a call that their wife was taking the kids and moving to the city to live with their mother. At 3:30 PM Murray and his friends Wally Hatchet, and Judas Priest clocked out and went to Cindy’s on 34 for a bite to eat before they went on a bender like they did every Tuesday. At 5:35 PM they entered the De Lao Restaurant & Bar and set about drinking heavily until they decided to move to the next location at 7:27 PM

The next stop was the Main Street Station Bar and Grill which was their favorite drinking haunt. They had gone through half a bottle of Jameson and about 25 assorted beers each before they decided to call it a night. Murray stumbled up the walkway to his front door and saw a faint red glow coming from his lawn next to the sidewalk. Upon inspection it was a cigarette butt that was still burning, Murray’s lawn was astroturf so it had begun to melt the fake grass where it was laying. This enraged Murray but there was no culprit to be found so he just fumed and sat down on his porch among the shadows. Twenty minutes later Time was walking back from the speedway with coffee in one hand and a cig in the other. He walked past Murray’s house again and flicked another cig butt onto the lawn without a second thought.

Seconds later Time realized that he was on the ground and his head was throbbing which was a new feeling to a concept like him. When his vision refocused he saw a brown brick laying next to his face that was covered in bright red liquid. When he looked up he saw a large hand reaching down towards him it’s meaty fingers closing around his tiny throat. He found himself struggling to breathe and the next thing he knew was on his feet again being held up by his grimy shirt collar. The only thing he perceived accurately for the next few moments was pain as Murray’s fist slammed into his ribs snapping the 5th rib and splintering the 9th on the right side. As he was dropped back to the ground he began to wonder what he had done to end up in this situation.

Meanwhile Murray was in a blind rage as he walked into his house to find a tool to finish the job with. He grabbed the first large object that came into his view, which happened to be a sherwood hockey stick. As he stood over Time with the stick raised above his head but before he brought it down an idea formed in his mind. He dragged Time over to the large oak tree in his yard and tied him to it so he was upright and put Time in a goalie mask. Murray then grabbed a 5 gallon bucket of hockey pucks off a shelf in his garage and lined them up on his driveway and took aim at his new goalie.

The first puck slammed into Time’s right thigh leaving a bruise but not doing much to the femur. The next few pucks made a absolute mess of Time’s rib cage leaving his vital organs exposed for the punishment they were about to be dealt. But before Murray went after them he took aim and fired a wicked slapshot into Time’s left kneecap shattering it into 6 pieces satisfied that it would never reform Murray began to go in for the kill. He fired an official ECHL puck with a Chicago Wolves decal flying into Time’s chest 8 inches above the belly button and 2 inches left of center, after impact Murray heard the sound of organs bursting as blood shot from Time’s mouth like cum from a whores ass, and Time’s body went limp. If Murray hadn’t been piss drunk he might have noticed that Time’s chest was moving faintly, but alcohol impaired his perception and he decided that Time was dead and he went back inside to sleep.

The next morning when Murray woke up he ate breakfast and went outside to inspect his handiwork but found the ropes binding Time had been cut and a trail of blood led to the street and then disappeared abruptly. Murray quickly became enraged as he realized his quarry had escaped and figured that he must have gotten into a car. He couldn’t help but wondered how Time had gotten loose until he found a shard of bone lying on the ground next to the ropes. Crafty bastard ,Murray thought to himself, as much as Time needed to pay it was a Wednesday and he needed to get to work. He knew that Time couldn’t leave the county but there were still many places to hide within it.