20 THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT IN 2018

1. I don’t want a ‘clean’ house anymore. I just want the level of shite to be kept to an acceptable level.

2. I can’t wait for the kids to go to bed at 7 so I can try to fit my entire life in before I go to bed at 7.30.

3. Yesterday I pretended to ‘drive the train’ for 15 minutes just so I could sit down and stare at the wall for a bit. Fucking bliss.

4. Silently opening chocolates while sat behind TV-watching toddlers is as close as you’ll get to being 007.

5. Although next time the kids ask to watch Peter Rabbit I’m gonna sneakily put Watership Down on. That’ll teach em.

6. Fellas - it’s not ‘babysitting’ if it’s YOUR kid.

7. The hangover I used to get from eight pints of lager, half a bottle of Jack Daniels and three Jagerbombs on an empty stomach can now be achieved with one small glass of wine.

8. As a parent, a ‘get well soon’ from your partner isn’t a good-natured wish. It’s a fucking COMMAND.

9. Some days you’ll get home and think your house has been burgled until you remember that it is, in fact, just a massive shithole.

10. You know when parents say their kid’s gonna be a doctor or an astronaut? I’m pretty sure mine’s gonna be a bailiff.

11. The benefit to having more than one child is that if one acts up but the other doesn’t, people understand that you’re not necessarily a bad parent, just that one of your kids happens to be a knobhead.

12. Looking after toddlers is like flying a kite. You’re only ever one move away from losing control and them getting stuck in a hedge.

13. On the 8th Day God created Calpol.

14. And when your child puts YOU on the naughty step? Treat it like a spa weekend.

15. Because toddlers aren’t equipped with an aeroplane mode. Shame.

16. ‘I CAN SEE YOU’VE HAD A REALLY LONG DAY SO HONESTLY, JUST ONE QUICK STORY BEFORE BED WILL BE ABSOLUTELY FINE’ said no child ever.

17. ‘HEY! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE RELAXING! STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY AND COME & PLAY A GAME WITH ME THAT HAS VAGUE AND CONFUSING RULES!’ - Every toddler ever

18. Tidying the house listening to Wham! is fucking excellent if you don’t get out much.

19. Although if you could see the absolute state of affairs behind our fridge I reckon you’d all unfollow me.