20 THINGS I LEARNED AS A PARENT IN 2018
1. I donât want a âcleanâ house anymore. I just want the level of shite to be kept to an acceptable level.
2. I canât wait for the kids to go to bed at 7 so I can try to fit my entire life in before I go to bed at 7.30.
3. Yesterday I pretended to âdrive the trainâ for 15 minutes just so I could sit down and stare at the wall for a bit. Fucking bliss.
4. Silently opening chocolates while sat behind TV-watching toddlers is as close as youâll get to being 007.
5. Although next time the kids ask to watch Peter Rabbit Iâm gonna sneakily put Watership Down on. Thatâll teach em.
6. Fellas - itâs not âbabysittingâ if itâs YOUR kid.
7. The hangover I used to get from eight pints of lager, half a bottle of Jack Daniels and three Jagerbombs on an empty stomach can now be achieved with one small glass of wine.
8. As a parent, a âget well soonâ from your partner isnât a good-natured wish. Itâs a fucking COMMAND.
9. Some days youâll get home and think your house has been burgled until you remember that it is, in fact, just a massive shithole.
10. You know when parents say their kidâs gonna be a doctor or an astronaut? Iâm pretty sure mineâs gonna be a bailiff.
11. The benefit to having more than one child is that if one acts up but the other doesnât, people understand that youâre not necessarily a bad parent, just that one of your kids happens to be a knobhead.
12. Looking after toddlers is like flying a kite. Youâre only ever one move away from losing control and them getting stuck in a hedge.
13. On the 8th Day God created Calpol.
14. And when your child puts YOU on the naughty step? Treat it like a spa weekend.
15. Because toddlers arenât equipped with an aeroplane mode. Shame.
16. âI CAN SEE YOUâVE HAD A REALLY LONG DAY SO HONESTLY, JUST ONE QUICK STORY BEFORE BED WILL BE ABSOLUTELY FINEâ said no child ever.
17. âHEY! YOU LOOK LIKE YOUâRE RELAXING! STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY AND COME & PLAY A GAME WITH ME THAT HAS VAGUE AND CONFUSING RULES!â - Every toddler ever
18. Tidying the house listening to Wham! is fucking excellent if you donât get out much.
19. Although if you could see the absolute state of affairs behind our fridge I reckon youâd all unfollow me.
20. That moment when your kids go to bed and you get straight into your pjâs and crack open the wine. #hallefuckinglujah















