Lylian Grace

I became aware of my desire for gender expansiveness (or I guess better put “gender play”) around age 10/11, but have memories of wanting to be a woman from earlier.

I still held the belief I was just a gay man up until I was 12, and thought that perhaps I was just/wanted to be a cross dresser. I think that idea was largely informed by the character Michale in Billy Elliot, as well as the incorrect way my father described transgender people.

By the time I was 12 I had been given access to a family computer, and tablet, and began to research more into my queer identity. Mostly just being a 12 year old and trying to find community through MOGAI, xeno identities, and the tucute/truscum discourse that was present on Instagram and YouTube at the time. In the later half of that year I began identifying as a demiboy, and had recognized a kinship to both trans women and trans men, but often found myself internally alienated by the nonbinary people I saw online.

I ended up coming out as a nonbinary demiboy to a few friends through middle school. And by high school I was fairly publicly out socially, I wasn’t socially transitioning but everyone knew I was nonbinary, even if I was still using He/Him pronouns primarily.

The COVID quarantine began shortly into my high school education. And once outdoor activities were allowed to take place again I formed a group of friends who affirmed my identity fairly well. I began to question the depth of my gender again, finally acknowledging my desire for a more feminine/androgynous appearance both in fashion/style and with how my body looked.

I ended up using They/She pronouns for a while, but ended up going back to They/Them once in person activities were common place thanks to the COVID vaccines. I ended up working with this really kick ass nonbinary person in their late 20s/early 30s after I finished school and they really informed me on how gender diverse people can live outside of online spaces. And how heteronormative looking relationships can have much more play than I had been taught.

Fast forward to me moving back to my hometown and living at home again, I reconnected with one of my friends from COVID lockdown, he at this point was multiple years into his medical transition, and he helped me navigate my desire for medical transition as well. I ended up going on feminizing HRT for a year, during this time I had gone back into the closet socially, minus a few close friends. If my memory serves my correctly this is when I began really trying to work through internalized transphobia to gain a better understanding of my gender and to finally decide if I was a woman or not.

I stopped my HRT 6 months ago… I partially regret sporting it but also sometimes don’t. I wasn’t very good at describing my negative side effects to my doctor, and I had gained weight, but I was beginning to see someone I could love. Like someone who I thought deserved to live. Someone I was born to become.

But and this is a large reason I stopped HRT, I missed being able to cum…. Kind of horny posting ATP so beware, but being able to cum was/is a large part of what is enjoyable about sex to me. I only have hooked up with one other person, and I guess I can’t even consider it a hookup, I just was on my knees in a public restroom. Not important. So I guess not sex. But like sexual pleasure? Anyways. Not being able to produce precum, or ejaculate was fairly distressing, I became fairly angry. Perhaps I just had an unwillingness to grow and change, I have read about people being able to cum while on HRT while pleasuring other places of their bodies. But I wasn’t. So as I said I stopped HRT.

Here I am now. 6 months off HRT, just as confused as I have ever been, if not more. Because I have this internal desire to be a man, or I guess not be a man. But like have my identity affirmed as a man. Like be all big and buff, and have the ability to command a room, and to cut my hair short. But there is this other large part of me that wants to go back on HRT and be taken cared of, to take care of others, to step into the light.

My friend asked me what does being a man, what does being a woman, and what does being nonbinary mean to me. I fear I have been online for too long, and have lost all material meaning on what gender truly is beyond categories we place ourselves in for others to better understand us.

I think all my gender issues boils down to the fact my dysphoria is largely social, with fluctuating body dysphoria in tandem with body dysmorphia, leading me to use “Gender Fluid” to help describe my lived/internal experiences. Gender fluidity from my understanding is much more diverse and has more depth than my use case of it. But I think it works the best… for now.