s-class

                                  enzan felt his face heat up at lan’s words. he was normally used to lan’s loud personality, but it was different when he was declaring his love for him. he couldn’t say he hated it, though. it just made his heart pound harder in his chest. 

                                 “no i–it’s my fault. maybe i should have just ignored it.” sure there was the rule you had to kiss someone, but it wasn’t required. he could have easily just disregarded it all, especially when enzan hadn’t even taken notice of it. then maybe things wouldn’t be so awkward. he still feared that he had ruined things between the two of them. it didn’t seem like enzan hated him for what he did, but lan still found himself nervous. 

                                  “m-misconstrued?” he echoed, now looking up to meet enzan’s eyes. what did he mean by that? did he think lan really wanted to kiss him? did he want lan to kiss him? he didn’t understand. what was he supposed to say? should he be honest? should he risk it? with how he was acting, enzan may end up seeing through him either way. so he would take a leap of faith.

                                 “i-i wanted to kiss you–” he blurted out, feeling his face grow hotter. “i…i was really confused after i kissed you. and embarrassed too. so i had to leave.” he explained, his gaze falling back into his lap. “and i realized i really did want to kiss you. and then…everything just sort of clicked. b-but…i was scared to go back out. i thought you would be mad. or hate him. or think i was disgusting.” he felt his shoulders shaking as he spoke. he was so nervous. “y-you can go if you’re uncomfortable. i’m sorry, enzan.”

                                 lan wanted to kiss him. it was hard to wrap his mind around this being real. yet, at the same time, it was such a lan thing to do. to not realize his own feelings until after he’s kissed enzan, and not even realize until after how awkward the situation might become. except it wasn’t, because enzan felt the same way towards lan. for much longer than he’d like to admit. 

                                                  it wasn’t as if he was waiting for lan. it would be pathetic to wait on someone for four years, especially someone who couldn’t recognize romantic intention if it was smacked across his forehead. he’d simply forced himself not to think about it, until the feelings would fade to a residual ache, then he’d see or hear from lan again and the cycle would start all over. but it was different now, because lan apparently reciprocated his feelings -- even if he hadn’t realized it himself until a few moments ago. 

                                                  “ don’t jump to conclusions when you haven’t given me a chance to respond. ” normally, words like that would have come out harsher, but he was so flustered by the situation -- and what he was about to say next -- that his tone was uncharacteristically soft. “ ... which is hypocritical of me, since i feel the same way about you. ”

                                                    enzan paused, face heating up and feeling the room start to close in on him -- he had never spoken these feelings aloud, not even to protoman ( though he’d figured it out regardless, which was another matter entirely ). he had never had feelings like these for anyone except lan, nor had he ever shared them. he wasn’t sure what he was doing. he just didn’t want lan to think that he would hate him, especially when the opposite was true. 

                             lan sighed, letting his head fall back onto the pillow after he sent the email. what was he supposed to do? he really didn’t know. how was he supposed to calm down and just go back after there after this? his mind was racing and he couldn’t get it to stop. and he worried that enzan was upset with him. what if he thought he was gross or something? oh no, that was the last thing he wanted. he shouldn’t have kissed him this was all terrible and he ruined everything and now enzan wasn’t answering him! 

                             just as he thought that, he heard the knock and enzan’s voice. oh no. oh no. he had come to him? no, he hadn’t prepared for this. but he couldn’t turn him away either. well, he was going to go out anyways, so he might as well let him in. he shifted his position so he was sitting up, looking down at his lap. “y-yeah…sure.” 

                                  lan’s reaction wasn’t surprising. how else was he supposed to react after that? enzan wasn’t sure what to do, either. well, lan said he could come in, so he did, but now ... he couldn’t even bring himself to sit down. but enzan usually wasn’t that type of person. he always got right to the point and tried to fix problems as soon as they occurred. he was blunt to a fault. this situation shouldn’t be any different. enzan knew why it was, and he hated why it was different, but he had to get past that because that was just a stupid little cheek kiss under mistletoe --

                                                 “ i, uh ... i overreacted. or ... under ... reacted, i guess. ” whatever enzan was feeling, it must have been worse for lan. he was the one who initiated it, and he was the one who had to deal with enzan’s lack of reaction ( even though, on the inside, he was anything but nonreactive ). 

                                                 “ i made that more awkward than it should’ve been. i didn’t ... notice the mistletoe above us. ” because that was all it was, right? a mistletoe kiss and now lan was embarrassed because enzan thought it might’ve been something when it wasn’t. why would lan ever be interested in him? they were from two different worlds. being with lan was a pipe dream; something he’d tried to erase from his mind for years. lan had his own life, his own friends, and enzan wasn’t a part of that. and that was okay. or so he told himself. 

                        as lan ran off, he realized how stupid he was being. he invited enzan over, then just left him in the other room as he retreated into his own. he paced around the room, trying to calm down but to no avail. why was he so focused on all of this? why couldn’t he stop thinking about enzan’s blushing face and how his lips were right there and if he had just leaned in again–why was he thinking that? what was wrong with him? did he actually want to kiss enzan? the more he thought about it, the more he realized that was exactly it. and then everything hit him at once.

                           he liked enzan. he had for…who knows how long. but now he realized his feelings and he felt like his face was on fire. he liked enzan. he liked enzan. he liked enzan. what was he supposed to do about this? he felt like he was going to explode. 

                            he laid on his bed, burying his head in his pillow for a moment. this was too much. but he couldn’t just stay in here. he didn’t want enzan to leave. he had to go back out there… but first he had to make sure everything was okay. after all, he did kiss enzan (just a cheek kiss but still!). he pulled out his pet to compose a message to enzan.

TO: ENZAN                 SUBJECT: SORRY!!!!!

sorry for kissing you!!! and running off like that!!!!!! we can just forget that if you want! i know it was probably weird and stupid to you for me to kiss you like that so we can put that behind us! just don’t leave. i don’t want you to leave. i’m in my room i just. need a minute. please don’t go

                          did he sound weird? did he sound awkward or desperate? he was fretting over the details, but still sent megaman to deliver the email. he just hoped enzan would listen to him. until he got a response, he would have to sit with his thoughts again.

@loadchaud (cont. from here)

                                 enzan remained frozen in place for the next few moments, until protoman alerted him that he received an email. he was afraid to look at it, but he didn’t have a choice. if not, he would be stuck in this room forever. naturally, it was from lan. well, at least lan was brave enough to actually send a message. enzan couldn’t do anything. he could barely read the message. but once he started reading it, he just kept reading it over and over -- he didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. don’t leave. please don’t go. 

                                                he took a breath, forcing himself to calm down. this wasn’t something they could just forget. even though it was a cheek kiss, it was everything that happened after that made it awkward ( to say the least ). he couldn’t bring himself to reply to the email. enzan made his way to lan’s room -- he had to sort this out. even if nothing happened, he couldn’t leave it like this. 

                                  lan was giving him a strange look, and enzan couldn’t figure out why. he was fine up until a moment ago. it wasn’t as though he’d said anything strange. “ what is it -- ” but just as he said that, lan spoke up. it was an odd moment, where they just stared at each other, lan with a look enzan had never seen on him, and enzan with confusion and concern. then lan did something enzan didn’t expect -- he closed the distance, and for a moment enzan thought ... but no, he didn’t do that, he placed a kiss on enzan’s cheek. still, it was just as surprising. and embarrassing. he felt his face heat up and there was nothing he could do to stop it. he couldn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything, he was frozen as lan made his escape -- then realized there was mistletoe above them. 

                                 “ ... a half hour is not that long. ” he’d been ignoring lan, even with the incessant poking -- until lan decided to sit on his lap. now it was physically impossible to do anything, and lan ... lan was on his lap. ( he was warm. ) “ we can’t do anything if you’re on my lap. ” enzan said, even though he had no intent on doing anything with lan regardless. he had work to finish, and lan was the one who came to ipc unannounced. 

                                it was not enzan’s plan to sleep in lan’s bed. it wasn’t his plan to sleep over at the hikari residence at all, but lan was nothing if not persistent ( not to mention lan’s mother wouldn’t allow him to go home so late by himself -- it seemed it was enzan’s fate to be tortured by the hikari family ). it took enzan much longer to fall asleep than lan, given their close proximity. enzan could hardly sleep well under normal circumstances, so like this it was practically impossible. and by the time morning came, he was fully awake due to lan’s clinging. his face was bright red, he was so embarrassed, and he was praying that he could walk out of the house without waking lan so he could spare some dignity. 

                                he was going to get some work done, but he supposes that’s not the case anymore. leave it to lan to completely change his plans. he sighs, putting his work to the side for a moment. 

                   well, at least enzan was hugging back now. it didn’t say much, but it showed that he really didn’t mind the hug. lan had been expected to be pushed away (after all, enzan did that with all of lan’s other hugs), but this was different. this was the most emotional he had ever seen enzan. enzan, who was always so guarded. lan was used to seeing enzan irritated and sarcastic the majority of the time, but this was a side of him that lan had never seen. 

                   “but…” but what about what you want? what did enzan want to do? why did he have to do what others wanted? why was he restrained like this? perhaps he was too idealistic (immature, childish, whatever you want to call it), but he felt that enzan should break away from all this. though he couldn’t say that aloud. it sounded stupid. how could that even work? was there even a way to get him out of this? lan wanted to figure something out. he wanted to help enzan live the life he wanted to live, void of other’s expectations weighing him down. he wished he could make this a reality.

                     “i’m sorry…” he repeated the apology, his voice a mere whisper. hearing enzan’s voice like this broke his heart. he couldn’t see his face, but he could guess he was crying. “i’m sorry…” he didn’t know what else to say. he could only hold enzan as he seemed to break down in his arms. this was all he could. in the back of his mind, he wondered if these feelings had been buried deep. he wondered just how long enzan had been repressing this.

                               real men don’t cry. his father’s words echoed in his mind while enzan was in his most pathetic state. he had to stop. he was showing lan what a weak person he truly was, and now lan was pitying him. he was the vice-president of one of the largest tech companies in the world, he was a high-ranking official who never even flinched at the thought of deleting rogue navis ... he couldn’t cry. he couldn’t cry, real men don’t cry. he forced himself to stop thinking about his mother, who had treated him so softly, instead focusing on his father and what he would do. he had to become more like his father ( the thought made bile rise in his throat ) if he was going to truly take the reins at ipc. if he wanted anyone to respect him, he had to be ruthless. 

                                           he stepped away from lan’s arms, wiping away his tears even though they just kept falling. he took a breath, trying to make himself calm down. why couldn’t he stop crying? he wasn’t supposed to cry. he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t be weak. he had to calm down, he had to preserve what little image he had left. 

             he should have known enzan would say that. he wasnt the type to let things go easily (he and lan were similar in that way). he was trying to minimize his own feelings. to shove them aside, bury them again before they boiled over even more than they already had. maybe if he kept quiet, enzan would leave. or at least stop talking about it.

               you’ve been thinking that for a long time, right? he hated how he flinched when enzan said that. he hated that enzan hit the nail on the head. and he wasn’t afraid to say it. he never minced words, which made his words sting at times. he wished that he could change the subject somehow, but he couldn’t even think of what to say. the only thing on his mind was his inadequacy, his weakness, his self-doubt.

                 he wasn’t used to enzan being so caring, at least not directly. of course he could see that enzan cared about him in his own way, but this was completely different. hearing him voice such things, hearing him try to comfort lan, it took him off guard. he felt himself breaking, little by little, his shoulders beginning to shake. and when he felt enzan’s hand on his, that was it. tears began falling and he moved his hand to hold enzan’s, clinging to it like a lifeline. “i-i just…i want to be stronger…i want to be able to be the best operator for hub…i don’t want to hold him back. or anyone back. and dad…i….” i want him to say he’s proud of me. i want him to notice me. “i-i just want to be enough.”

                                enzan held back the urge to flinch when lan held onto his hand so tightly. enzan was the one to initiate the touch in the first place, so he wasn’t as surprised when lan acted on it, but still ... enzan would never be used to that sort of thing. he simply stared straight ahead as lan spoke, refusing to budge from his spot. lan needed someone to be strong for him right now. enzan didn’t know when exactly he became that person, but ... he didn’t mind doing it. 

                                               lan might have said it in passing, but enzan picked up on it. his dad. he wanted to be enough for his dad. was dr. hikari the root of the problem? it might be enzan’s own cynicism towards family, but he wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. or at least, a large part of it. it wasn’t fair of enzan to make assumptions, though. he had only worked with dr. hikari briefly; that didn’t give him nearly enough knowledge to know what he was like to his family. but that didn’t change how lan felt.

                                             “ no matter how strong you are, it’s natural to want to grow stronger. ” enzan continued training every day with protoman so they could reach new heights. he thought he was strong when he was younger, but looking back on it now, his strength then was laughable. “ but you are enough. like i said, you’ve done so many good things for the world. and for so many people. ” enzan paused before turning away, so he wouldn’t have to see lan’s face. “ ... you’ve done a lot for me, too. don’t forget that. ” 

              he hated that he brought this up. he let words of doubt spill from his lips and he wanted to take them back. he wanted to change the subject before enzan replied. it wasn’t the first time he had been vulnerable in front of enzan, but apart of him still hated that he was like this. he didn’t want to show weakness. he wished he could hide it better. he could bury it for some time, but it all came to the surface eventually. 

                when enzan was responding, lan just nodded. he expected him to say that. it was just like him. he had lent him protoman… still, he doubted himself. protoman was strong on his own after all. even if lan had been operating him for a time, it didn’t change protoman’s strength. hub, too, was strong. but he didn’t consider himself very strong at all. he wasn’t strong enough. he wasn’t enough. he wasn’t enough to ever get his father’s attention, his praise, he barely got any recognition at all. he kept trying and trying, desperately hoping he would get something. for years he had been doing this, and he still hadn’t let up.

                as enzan continued to speak, he could feel himself choking up. he hadn’t expected such a sincere reply. he hadn’t thought enzan would say these things. “i-i…” he could feel tears close to falling, pricking at the corners of his eyes. “thank you…” he wiped his eyes, trying to stop any tears before they dared to fall. "j-just forget about what i said. it’s stupid. it’s nothing.”

@loadchaud (cont. from here)

                               enzan huffed, crossing his arms. “ you’re asking me to do the impossible. ” he couldn’t just forget what lan said. he knew lan was just saying that so enzan wouldn’t worry about him. well, too late, hikari. he was worried and he wasn’t going to forget about it just like that. enzan knew that it wasn’t nothing. thoughts like these didn’t just come out of nowhere. they grew and festered until they took over your mind and every waking moment of your life. he knew from experience. and even if he couldn’t take those thoughts away, he wanted to at least help ease lan’s burden somehow. 

                                              “ those feelings aren’t just nothing. you’ve been thinking that for a long time, right? ” how he acted when enzan recruited him in the fight against nebula proved that. even though he had achieved feats most people would never be able to say they’d even came close to achieving, lan still doubted himself. he believed in megaman, he believed in enzan, he believed in protoman, he believed in his friends -- but he didn’t believe in his own power. enzan knew the pain of that all too well. 

                               enzan knew that lan doubted himself. no matter how strong and determined lan seemed, enzan knew that underneath that was self-doubt. doubting that he was good enough, strong enough- if his works could have been achieved without megaman. logically, lan couldn’t stop net crimes without a netnavi, but that wasn’t the point. that wasn’t what lan was talking about and enzan knew it ( he knew it because he was no stranger to this train of thought ). 

                                             “ if i thought you were weak, i wouldn’t have lent you protoman. ” he started, though even enzan could tell that such a logical answer wouldn’t be very helpful. “ i believe in your strength. you’re the netbattler that’s saved the world at least six times. it wasn’t just megaman that did that. ”