the upnavis

                                 lan wanted to kiss him. it was hard to wrap his mind around this being real. yet, at the same time, it was such a lan thing to do. to not realize his own feelings until after he’s kissed enzan, and not even realize until after how awkward the situation might become. except it wasn’t, because enzan felt the same way towards lan. for much longer than he’d like to admit. 

                                                  it wasn’t as if he was waiting for lan. it would be pathetic to wait on someone for four years, especially someone who couldn’t recognize romantic intention if it was smacked across his forehead. he’d simply forced himself not to think about it, until the feelings would fade to a residual ache, then he’d see or hear from lan again and the cycle would start all over. but it was different now, because lan apparently reciprocated his feelings – even if he hadn’t realized it himself until a few moments ago. 

                                                  “ don’t jump to conclusions when you haven’t given me a chance to respond. ” normally, words like that would have come out harsher, but he was so flustered by the situation – and what he was about to say next – that his tone was uncharacteristically soft. “ … which is hypocritical of me, since i feel the same way about you. ”

                                                    enzan paused, face heating up and feeling the room start to close in on him – he had never spoken these feelings aloud, not even to protoman ( though he’d figured it out regardless, which was another matter entirely ). he had never had feelings like these for anyone except lan, nor had he ever shared them. he wasn’t sure what he was doing. he just didn’t want lan to think that he would hate him, especially when the opposite was true. 

                                                     “ what i mean is … i … i like you– i have liked you– for a while. i didn’t want to make things awkward between us or between hub and protoman, so i kept quiet. if anything … i thought you might think those things about me. ”

                                “y-you what--?” upon hearing those words, his head shot back up. enzan felt the same? really? he hadn’t expected this. even if he only just figured out his feelings, he never expected enzan of all people to like him. after all, enzan was out of his league. he could do so much better than lan. 

                                 “m...me?” he pointed at himself in disbelief. all of this was making his head spin. enzan liked him back, and he’d liked him for awhile. how long exactly? no, he shouldn’t ask that. enzan may not tell him anyways and lan might just explode at enzan’s answer. he would tuck that question away for another day. 

                                   “you like me?” he felt like a broken record, just repeating the things enzan was saying. but he couldn’t help it! he was shocked by all of this! he wasn’t sure how he expected this conversation to go, but it certainly wasn’t like this. of course, he wasn’t complaining about this. not at all.

                                       i thought you might think those things of me. lan shook his head, “no, i would never think that about you--!” even if he hadn’t liked enzan, he would never think he was gross or anything like that. and he definitely wouldn’t hate him. no, he couldn’t even imagine hating enzan. 

                                  lan’s reaction wasn’t surprising. how else was he supposed to react after that? enzan wasn’t sure what to do, either. well, lan said he could come in, so he did, but now … he couldn’t even bring himself to sit down. but enzan usually wasn’t that type of person. he always got right to the point and tried to fix problems as soon as they occurred. he was blunt to a fault. this situation shouldn’t be any different. enzan knew why it was, and he hated why it was different, but he had to get past that because that was just a stupid little cheek kiss under mistletoe –

                                                 “ i, uh … i overreacted. or … under … reacted, i guess. ” whatever enzan was feeling, it must have been worse for lan. he was the one who initiated it, and he was the one who had to deal with enzan’s lack of reaction ( even though, on the inside, he was anything but nonreactive ). 

                                                 “ i made that more awkward than it should’ve been. i didn’t … notice the mistletoe above us. ” because that was all it was, right? a mistletoe kiss and now lan was embarrassed because enzan thought it might’ve been something when it wasn’t. why would lan ever be interested in him? they were from two different worlds. being with lan was a pipe dream; something he’d tried to erase from his mind for years. lan had his own life, his own friends, and enzan wasn’t a part of that. and that was okay. or so he told himself. 

                                                 “ i misconstrued your intentions. i’m sorry. ”

                                 “no i--it’s my fault. maybe i should have just ignored it.” sure there was the rule you had to kiss someone, but it wasn’t required. he could have easily just disregarded it all, especially when enzan hadn’t even taken notice of it. then maybe things wouldn’t be so awkward. he still feared that he had ruined things between the two of them. it didn’t seem like enzan hated him for what he did, but lan still found himself nervous. 

                                  “m-misconstrued?” he echoed, now looking up to meet enzan’s eyes. what did he mean by that? did he think lan really wanted to kiss him? did he want lan to kiss him? he didn’t understand. what was he supposed to say? should he be honest? should he risk it? with how he was acting, enzan may end up seeing through him either way. so he would take a leap of faith.

                                 enzan remained frozen in place for the next few moments, until protoman alerted him that he received an email. he was afraid to look at it, but he didn’t have a choice. if not, he would be stuck in this room forever. naturally, it was from lan. well, at least lan was brave enough to actually send a message. enzan couldn’t do anything. he could barely read the message. but once he started reading it, he just kept reading it over and over – he didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. don’t leave. please don’t go. 

                                                he took a breath, forcing himself to calm down. this wasn’t something they could just forget. even though it was a cheek kiss, it was everything that happened after that made it awkward ( to say the least ). he couldn’t bring himself to reply to the email. enzan made his way to lan’s room – he had to sort this out. even if nothing happened, he couldn’t leave it like this. 

                                                enzan gently knocked on the door, peeking his head in just the slightest. “ … can i come in? ”

                             lan sighed, letting his head fall back onto the pillow after he sent the email. what was he supposed to do? he really didn’t know. how was he supposed to calm down and just go back after there after this? his mind was racing and he couldn’t get it to stop. and he worried that enzan was upset with him. what if he thought he was gross or something? oh no, that was the last thing he wanted. he shouldn’t have kissed him this was all terrible and he ruined everything and now enzan wasn’t answering him! 

                        as lan ran off, he realized how stupid he was being. he invited enzan over, then just left him in the other room as he retreated into his own. he paced around the room, trying to calm down but to no avail. why was he so focused on all of this? why couldn’t he stop thinking about enzan’s blushing face and how his lips were right there and if he had just leaned in again--why was he thinking that? what was wrong with him? did he actually want to kiss enzan? the more he thought about it, the more he realized that was exactly it. and then everything hit him at once.

                           he liked enzan. he had for...who knows how long. but now he realized his feelings and he felt like his face was on fire. he liked enzan. he liked enzan. he liked enzan. what was he supposed to do about this? he felt like he was going to explode. 

                            he laid on his bed, burying his head in his pillow for a moment. this was too much. but he couldn’t just stay in here. he didn’t want enzan to leave. he had to go back out there... but first he had to make sure everything was okay. after all, he did kiss enzan (just a cheek kiss but still!). he pulled out his pet to compose a message to enzan.

TO: ENZAN                 SUBJECT: SORRY!!!!!

sorry for kissing you!!! and running off like that!!!!!! we can just forget that if you want! i know it was probably weird and stupid to you for me to kiss you like that so we can put that behind us! just don’t leave. i don’t want you to leave. i’m in my room i just. need a minute. please don’t go

                          did he sound weird? did he sound awkward or desperate? he was fretting over the details, but still sent megaman to deliver the email. he just hoped enzan would listen to him. until he got a response, he would have to sit with his thoughts again.

 lan, did you hear the rumor

                                “ … oh, never mind, i don’t want to spread it. ”

                                enzan held back the urge to flinch when lan held onto his hand so tightly. enzan was the one to initiate the touch in the first place, so he wasn’t as surprised when lan acted on it, but still … enzan would never be used to that sort of thing. he simply stared straight ahead as lan spoke, refusing to budge from his spot. lan needed someone to be strong for him right now. enzan didn’t know when exactly he became that person, but … he didn’t mind doing it. 

                                               lan might have said it in passing, but enzan picked up on it. his dad. he wanted to be enough for his dad. was dr. hikari the root of the problem? it might be enzan’s own cynicism towards family, but he wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. or at least, a large part of it. it wasn’t fair of enzan to make assumptions, though. he had only worked with dr. hikari briefly; that didn’t give him nearly enough knowledge to know what he was like to his family. but that didn’t change how lan felt.

                                             “ no matter how strong you are, it’s natural to want to grow stronger. ” enzan continued training every day with protoman so they could reach new heights. he thought he was strong when he was younger, but looking back on it now, his strength then was laughable. “ but you are enough. like i said, you’ve done so many good things for the world. and for so many people. ” enzan paused before turning away, so he wouldn’t have to see lan’s face. “ … you’ve done a lot for me, too. don’t forget that. ” 

                                             “ i … should’ve said that a long time ago. ”

                “enzan...” it seems he was being caught off guard once again (enzan was doing that to him a lot today). enzan was being so kind, so reassuring, and lan didn’t know what to say. he really believed in him...of course lan realized this (otherwise enzan wouldn’t work with him), but to hear these things...it was different. it made him happy. 

                 he moved closer to enzan and wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in his chest. more tears fell, but he couldn’t tell if they were from sadness or happiness. perhaps a mix of both. “thank you...thank you, enzan.” his voice was muffled, but he hoped enzan still heard him. he was glad he was able to help him so much. 

                               enzan huffed, crossing his arms. “ you’re asking me to do the impossible. ” he couldn’t just forget what lan said. he knew lan was just saying that so enzan wouldn’t worry about him. well, too late, hikari. he was worried and he wasn’t going to forget about it just like that. enzan knew that it wasn’t nothing. thoughts like these didn’t just come out of nowhere. they grew and festered until they took over your mind and every waking moment of your life. he knew from experience. and even if he couldn’t take those thoughts away, he wanted to at least help ease lan’s burden somehow. 

                                              “ those feelings aren’t just nothing. you’ve been thinking that for a long time, right? ” how he acted when enzan recruited him in the fight against nebula proved that. even though he had achieved feats most people would never be able to say they’d even came close to achieving, lan still doubted himself. he believed in megaman, he believed in enzan, he believed in protoman, he believed in his friends – but he didn’t believe in his own power. enzan knew the pain of that all too well. 

                                              “ between you and me, i … once believed those things. about myself. ” i still do at times. “ keeping it inside is painful. if … you need someone to listen to you … you can talk to me. i’m used to listening to you ramble on, anyway. ” despite the way he ended his thought, enzan quietly placed his hand atop lan’s, praying lan wouldn’t bring it up. sometimes all someone needed was to feel someone at their side … he hoped that would help lan, even just a little bit.

             he should have known enzan would say that. he wasnt the type to let things go easily (he and lan were similar in that way). he was trying to minimize his own feelings. to shove them aside, bury them again before they boiled over even more than they already had. maybe if he kept quiet, enzan would leave. or at least stop talking about it.

               you’ve been thinking that for a long time, right? he hated how he flinched when enzan said that. he hated that enzan hit the nail on the head. and he wasn’t afraid to say it. he never minced words, which made his words sting at times. he wished that he could change the subject somehow, but he couldn’t even think of what to say. the only thing on his mind was his inadequacy, his weakness, his self-doubt.

              he hated that he brought this up. he let words of doubt spill from his lips and he wanted to take them back. he wanted to change the subject before enzan replied. it wasn’t the first time he had been vulnerable in front of enzan, but apart of him still hated that he was like this. he didn’t want to show weakness. he wished he could hide it better. he could bury it for some time, but it all came to the surface eventually. 

                when enzan was responding, lan just nodded. he expected him to say that. it was just like him. he had lent him protoman... still, he doubted himself. protoman was strong on his own after all. even if lan had been operating him for a time, it didn’t change protoman’s strength. hub, too, was strong. but he didn’t consider himself very strong at all. he wasn’t strong enough. he wasn’t enough. he wasn’t enough to ever get his father’s attention, his praise, he barely got any recognition at all. he kept trying and trying, desperately hoping he would get something. for years he had been doing this, and he still hadn’t let up.

                as enzan continued to speak, he could feel himself choking up. he hadn’t expected such a sincere reply. he hadn’t thought enzan would say these things. “i-i...” he could feel tears close to falling, pricking at the corners of his eyes. “thank you...” he wiped his eyes, trying to stop any tears before they dared to fall. "j-just forget about what i said. it’s stupid. it’s nothing.”

                                 slowly, carefully, enzan wrapped his arms around lan. no one else was around to see them except protoman and megaman, and he knew that they wouldn’t say anything ( if they were even watching – not that he cared; he could only see a dreadful future before him ). he hated that lan was continuing to take this seriously. it was normally so easy to get lan off-track, but lan had become emotionally invested in this conversation. invested in enzan’s well-being. aside from his navi, no one cared about him this much. lan cared, and lan poked and prodded and wouldn’t stop until he reached a resolution or at least an answer. it was a trait that they shared, although enzan tried to stay out of emotional affairs if he could help it – and enzan hated that this trait was used against him in a situation he tried to convince himself wasn’t a situation. 

                                               “ of course i do. ” enzan’s father need an heir, and so enzan was born to inherit ipc. he had no other purpose, and now that he was at the age to begin achieving that goal, he couldn’t think about anything else. his position as an official had even taken the back burner. perhaps his mother intended something different for him. or, at least, for him not to have to worry about this until he was much older. but there was no use thinking about that now. there was no use thinking about the way his mother told him i love you before bed each night, or how she let him sit next to her while she played piano, or how she wrapped her arms tightly around him and ran her hands through his hair when he cried-

                                               “ … lan … ” his voice came out breathless as he attempted to swallow back a sob. was he crying? why was he crying? there was nothing to cry about. nothing had changed, except enzan had gotten older and had a few more responsibilities. he wasn’t a child anymore ( he never was ), he shouldn’t feel the need to cry over something so trivial …  “ … stop it. that’s enough, hikari. ” yet he still buried his face in the crook of lan’s neck in an attempt to conceal emotions that he was trying so hard to fight.

                   well, at least enzan was hugging back now. it didn’t say much, but it showed that he really didn’t mind the hug. lan had been expected to be pushed away (after all, enzan did that with all of lan’s other hugs), but this was different. this was the most emotional he had ever seen enzan. enzan, who was always so guarded. lan was used to seeing enzan irritated and sarcastic the majority of the time, but this was a side of him that lan had never seen. 

                   “but...” but what about what you want? what did enzan want to do? why did he have to do what others wanted? why was he restrained like this? perhaps he was too idealistic (immature, childish, whatever you want to call it), but he felt that enzan should break away from all this. though he couldn’t say that aloud. it sounded stupid. how could that even work? was there even a way to get him out of this? lan wanted to figure something out. he wanted to help enzan live the life he wanted to live, void of other’s expectations weighing him down. he wished he could make this a reality.

                                 enzan hadn’t expected his reply to come out so dreary, but it was too late to take it back. now all he could do was wait for lan to laugh at him for acting so touch all the time yet being so weak, or to ridicule him and point out how much of a hypocrite he was –

                                                 – instead he felt arms gently wrap around him. he hadn’t … this hadn’t happened to him since … he’d only ever been hugged seriously by his mother, and that was years ago. enzan froze. he didn’t know how to react. there was no need to hug him for something so stupid, and lan never hugged him like this. was lan pitying him? he shouldn’t be pitied. this was the life he was born to live. he was supposed to be strong. he didn’t need anyone’s pity. this was a stupid thing to get upset over. this was just small talk, why did enzan have to let his guard down so much?

                                                 “ … don’t apologize. ” enzan whispered. “ i’m fine. this … was the plan from the very beginning. ” even if his mother was alive, he would’ve been trained to inherit the company. just not so soon. “ it’s just a couple more years of school, it’s not a big deal like it would be for someone like you. ” he tried to bite back, to act like everything was truly fine. just a couple more years and then he really will have the whole company thrust upon him. still, he couldn’t bring himself to push lan away. in these few moments, he felt like he was a normal teenager. he didn’t want to have to lose this feeling, but he knew he would. so he wouldn’t break away until he absolutely had to. 

              “but...still...” even if it was the plan, it didn’t make it right. forcing someone so young to take on so much was terrible, cruel even. lan had to wonder if he was saying all of these just to lan, or if he was trying to convince himself of it as well. he didn’t seem very confident as he spoke after all. “well...that’s true.” even if it was a jab at him, lan couldn’t refute it. he would never want to go to school for that long, plus the curriculum would be much more difficult. enzan was smarter than lan. he would admit that. 

                he continued to hug enzan, tightening his grip just a tad. he wasn’t being pushed away, so he figured this was alright. he wanted to help. he wanted to do something. but was anything even working? could he even be of any help? he honestly wasn’t sure. if only he could do more, say more, anything. lan felt powerless. he felt useless in this situation. 

you assault me every time you see me but go off

confess your sins

                                  enzan had forgotten how lan could so easily talk about things as if he had a choice. he was lucky to have a mother that was stern yet loving, that encouraged him to achieve his dreams. that didn’t force him into do things he didn’t want to do. he wouldn’t wish this life on anyone else, but he was jealous that lan was able to live so easily. although enzan already had a passion for netbattles and fighting for justice, he never had a choice in what path he would pursue. after his mother passed – no, it wouldn’t do him any good to think about the past. especially when lan was right there. 

                                                   “ i don’t have a choice. ” he didn’t expect to just come out and say it, but he did. there was something about lan that made him more inclined to speak openly. of course, he never revealed too much – but revealing anything was too much. enzan didn’t know when it happened, but he started to trust lan. he trusted lan with his navi in the past because of his skills, but he eventually started trusting lan with himself, too. he wasn’t someone that would go babbling this sort of information, in any case, despite how talkative he was. enzan knew lan had his own fair share of thoughts and memories that he wouldn’t want going around to just anyone, either.

                                                    “ i can’t be of any use to my company if my resume doesn’t at least equate my father’s. in order to take over the company in the future, i have to be better than the previous generation. ” while he would have normally made this sort of statement with more confidence, he found a hard time even keeping eye contact with lan. his voice started to taper off as he continued, and he had to wonder if he was just trying to convince himself rather than lan that – “ … this is just another part of my job. ”

             “oh.” lan found himself regretting his question. he had mostly just been making a joke, just poking fun at enzan. he hadn’t expected such a serious response--or at least not this. it was sad to hear that he was doing it out of obligation. because he had to. enzan was that type of person, wasn’t he? he did what needed to be done, no matter what. even if he didn’t want to, he would do it if need be.

               for once, lan wasn’t sure what to say. or he knew what he could say, but he didn’t know what was the right thing to say. his mouth closed, opened, then closed again without any words escaping him. he wasn’t used to seeing enzan like this. vulnerable, if even just the slightest bit. it hurt lan to see his friend like this. to know that he was forcing himself to do things. he wished he could help somehow.

                                enzan couldn’t argue with that. he’d willingly admit, he’d even admitted it to lan before – lan was a formidable ally and was even fun to netbattle with. enzan had never enjoyed teaming up with people, would even throw his teammate under the bus so he wouldn’t be weighed down looking out for someone. lan and megaman not only could handle themselves, but they had even bested enzan and protoman at times ( loathe he was to admit that ). besides, protoman and megaman got along. it was rare to find someone who synced with both protoman and enzan so well ( even if lan pushed all enzan’s buttons ). 

                                              business or whatever … ? was that even worth a response? enzan sighed, seemingly for the hundredth time in the last hour. “ i have a lot of work to do. ” he stated, although that wasn’t his answer. he wasn’t going to let himself get mad at lan’s stupid comments, because he already did so many times in the past few minutes, but enzan still felt the need to reiterate the fact. it wasn’t as if lan was being intentionally malicious, though. besides, enzan was interested in the opportunity to netbattle alongside lan. … hm. 

                                             “ of course we would win. it’s been a while since we’ve netbattled together. are you sure you’re up for it, hikari? ” he smirked, starting to feel a bit more comfortable, almost as if he hadn’t gone anywhere at all. … hm. 

          “boriiiiing....” lan pouted, assuming that enzan was refusing him. he couldn’t have that much work! he had time to be here and talk to lan after all. so he clearly had some down time. he just wanted to have fun with his friend again! he wanted to spend time with enzan now that he was back. he wanted to make the most of his time here, before he left again for graduate school.

             but when enzan spoke again, lan’s face lit up in excitement. so he wasn’t saying no! “i should be asking you that! me and hub have gotten even stronger, you know!” of course he was up for it! “we’ll wipe the floor with everyone for sure!” he couldn’t wait for the competition! nothing would be able to stop the two of them if they were together. this would be a breeze.