‹ BIG BABY ›

–––– @lmxuxi ;

donghyuck leans on the wall as he looks at all his mom’s things in boxes, listening to his mom’s voice in the next room as she sings to his baby brother before his afternoon nap. “i hate moving things,” donghyuck says to xuxi after heaving a sigh. “but at least we get rewarded with pizza.” he gives xuxi a smile and sits down on the couch with a plate full of slices. 

“did you ever think that we’d have two moms?” he says with a mouth full. “this place is so much nicer than my mom’s crappy apartment… it’s gonna be so much nicer for jaejoon to be able to play outside and stuff.” he pats the spot next to him on the couch and waits for xuxi to join him. “are we brothers now?” he says with a smirk. 

setting down another of the heavy boxes in the living room xuxi straightens up and heaves a tired sigh. it’s exciting, sora and jaejoon moving in with his mum. when his mum and donghyuck’s began dating a year ago it’d initially been a surprise, of course, since xuxi hadn’t even known his mum wasn’t straight. he’d been happy for her though, of course, and excited for the prospect of potentially having siblings. it’d been weird though, what with his and donghyuck’s dubious relationship. things have improved a lot since then between them, and he doesn’t hesitate to tell people he has two brothers now (he doesn’t include donghyuck’s other siblings because he’s not met them and it’d feel weird). 

“i like the unpacking part. it’s fun seeing where all your things can fit in a new place.” he replies, following donghyuck to the couch and collapsing beside him with a huff. grabbing a slice from the plate he takes a large bite and closes his eyes with a happy hum. 

he doesn’t reply until he’s swallowed (he has manners, contrary to popular belief). “no, but then i never really thought about it.” he smiles at the praise of the house. xuxi realises he was lucky to have had such a nice place to live in since moving to seoul, partially thanks to his skating money. “yeah, i loved this place. i still do, obviously, but i like my apartment too now.” taking another bite, this time smaller, he glances around at all the boxes and wonders what it’ll be like coming over for dinner now, with sora and jaejoon joining family dinners permanently. 

A starter for @lmxuxi

The air is chill, but in a uniquely pleasant way; invigorating more than it is bone-chilling, even as Sicheng can see plumes of his boyfriend’s breath swirl in his periphery. A skip in his step, he tightens the weave of their fingers, their hands tucked together into the pocket of Sicheng’s coat, and tries his best to take in the beauty of their surroundings. 

The onset of the autumnal season is so much more evident here than it is in Seoul, the sidewalks lined with fallen leaves, each one its own unique hue of orange-red, and the sky is a pale grey, rich with the crispness of sea air. It’s the sort of place Sicheng didn’t know he missed until he was there, and to be here, with Xuxi, hours away from his obligations, it has yet to settle, and still has a feeling of unreality about it, like he’s bound to wake up from it and find it was a dream —although anymore, most of his dreams are filled with floor-to-ceiling mirrors and displeased trainers, and are nowhere near so pleasant.

They pass by a restaurant, the scent wafting from it unbelievably tempting, and he watches their reflections pass by in the window, in their matching coats, smiling softly to himself. 

“Let’s get something to eat…” he says pulling forward a bit so he could spin round and face Xuxi, and although he knows they’ve just come from a cafe, where they’d shared cheesecake, and imbibed sugary lattes, he’s starving, and he’s not on Blackout’s clock right now, so to Hell with dietary considerations, “Before we go back, I want some real food…”

a year. a whole year since they’d begun dating. a whole year of happiness. xuxi had been thinking about what to do to celebrate, and a trip away, out of seoul, away from any possible prying eyes that could get sicheng in trouble, seemed like the best thing. it’s hard to spend time together when sicheng’s out at training every day, and xuxi’s building up his modelling portfolio, taking on more and more jobs, trying to get his name back out there, as a model this time, rather than a figure skater. 

but they make it work. 

the seaside location they venture out to is quiet, serene, and beautiful. xuxi wishes they could stay there for an entire week. but, alas, they both have jobs to go back to, and xuxi doesn’t want to burden his mother with yunzi for too long, what with the chaos of sora and jaejoon moving in. instead of wishing for impossibilities, though, as he’d spent a lot of the summer of this year doing, he decides to enjoy the here and now. 

his grip tightens on sicheng’s hand, thumb rubbing over the back of it. 

right on cue, xuxi’s tummy gives a little grumble - of course, the big boy wasn’t full yet, far from it in fact, so he breaks into a grin and gives an enthusiastic nod. “it smells so good...” his eyes lock onto the windows, and his feet instinctively carry him towards the door. “there’s no managers to tell you off here, so i intend to fatten you up.” there’s slight humour in his voice, although he’s being somewhat truthful. he worries about sicheng and whatever diets blackout put him on - he doesn’t need to diet, he’s perfect as he is. 

Sicheng stands in front of the mirror, silently considering himself—pulling faces, sucking his cheeks in to diminish his jowls a bit; he’s never been particularly self-conscious about his appearance, but today was woefully important, and he could never trust Xuxi to tell him if something was off.

He sighs, trying his best to let go of his concern, running his hands over his face to clasp at his hair in a show of grief, like some Renaissance statue, almost relieved to feel skin beneath his fingertips, as he’d stared at himself long enough that his face had begun to feel unreal; everything about the day’s itinerary felt unreal, and it didn’t help that he was worn from his schedules—he still expected that he might awaken at some point to find that this whole entire thing had been some subconscious exercise in absurdism.

They were preparing to leave so that they could meet Xuxi’s semi-estranged father, and his stepmother, for dinner at some pleasantly plush restaurant; Xuxi’s father, a man whom he’d never met before, and who did not know that Xuxi was in a relationship with a boy, or liked them, even. The cocktail that bubbled in Sicheng’s gut was a confusing one: two parts self-disgust to one part wanting to be there for Xuxi, with a jigger or two of standard-issue social anxiety just to top it off. Shaken, not stirred, judging by the nauseated twist in his gut. 

It’s impossible that Xuxi’s father will be happy—that he knows—and he still thinks this whole thing is a bad idea; ideally, Xuxi would go to this dinner alone, or preferably with his mother, and reconcile with his father easily and surely, and Sicheng would remain a secret, tucked away quietly where he belonged. Only he still recalls the look on his boyfriend’s face when he’d suggested as much, so he doesn’t dare speak this opinion again.

He keeps telling himself that it’s just because he doesn’t want Xuxi hurt—he’s certain that he will be—if his father doesn’t take well to this abrupt severing of his bloodline. But Xuxi’s so sweetly, and so blindly, optimistic; he hopes for the best, and dives in head first, and Sicheng’s seen this bruise him more than once. He hates that things couldn’t just be normal, that he couldn’t be enough. And he hates that that isn’t the only thing that bothers him about this scenario, that there’s a part of him that wants to remain a secret; there’s no turning back from how unmistakably, and irrevocably real this becomes after this.  

He doesn’t think he’s ready to be known like this, to exist outside of the capsule world he’d constructed here, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready, and if there’s anyone worth popping the bubble for, it’s Xuxi. 

Right?

The uncertainty he feels in the depths of his mind make him feel like he’s failing his boyfriend. 

He watches the doe-eyed boy, long like a beanpole, in the mirror as he pulls his shirt on, and Xuxi catches him, and smiles, although it’s an unusually reserved smile, which prompts a pang of guilt in Sicheng, especially when he asks how he’s doing.

“I’m scared…” he admits quietly, almost a whisper, and he turns towards his boyfriend, walking to sit on the edge of their bed, close to him, trying to control the shaking of his hands, which were ice cold with fear, “I’m just…” his voice falters for a moment as tears form in his eyes, and he blinks them away, angry at them—he hated crying, “I want this to go well, and I…I don’t see how it can.”

xuxi knows that sicheng’s nervous, that he’s concerned for xuxi’s relationship with his father, and how he’s meant to be trying to fix it. but, xuxi knows that lying to his dad, and pretending he’s someone he’s not just so they can become close again isn’t going to help in the long run. he’d much rather get it all out in the open to begin with so he can see whether he should even bother trying to mend their relationship. 

if his father doesn’t accept his relationship with sicheng then xuxi doesn’t have to bother with seeing him ever again. he’d done fine without him in his life for years, so why worry about losing him now, over something far more important to xuxi. family, people keep telling him, is important, and he should want to mend things with his dad, to be a part of his life, and his dad be a part of his, but how can he bring his dad into his life without telling him about sicheng, when sicheng is such a large part of it. 

his heart aches a little when sicheng admits his fear, knowing that by asking him to come to the dinner, xuxi was asking a lot of him. this was a big step for them both, and although xuxi was very set in his decision to open up to his father about sicheng, he knew sicheng cared about the status of his mending relationship with his father. 

“we don’t... know that for certain.” he tries to reassure sicheng, though part of him knows he’s trying to reassure himself at the same time. taking sicheng’s hand he sighs. “it’s going to be fine. if it... doesn’t go well it isn’t the end of the world, and i’d honestly rather know sooner rather than later, when it’ll hurt more.” 

if he forms a good relationship with his dad, and then later finds out he doesn’t approve of xuxi’s love, then it’ll hurt more to watch the relationship crash and burn again. if it all goes wrong now, he won’t lose as much of himself to the falling apart of the relationship. “i don’t want you to worry about this, it isn’t your problem to worry about, baby.” he’s been trying to tell sicheng he doesn’t need to think about if it goes well or not, that he won’t lose anything if it goes badly, but of course sicheng cares too much about xuxi’s well being.