porcelain / ivory / steel

so on sunday taylor liked a photo of me and i was S H O O K because she’d never noticed me before, and the next morning i woke up to a message from rn from the night before, asking me for some details (this was all completely confidential). they rung me back and said that they had a secret event they wanted to invite me to on friday. they were very vague about the details so i guessed it was pretty big. so i spent the whole week getting excited and then the friday came and i was dying inside from not telling you guys! but we went to the meeting place that we’d been told to go to (there was a terrible moment when i thought i wasn’t going to make it on time bc i’d gone to the wrong place that was an hour away but thank god we got there) and after queuing for a while we signed confidentiality agreements and gave up our bags and phones. after a lil while we got on a shuttle bus to another secret location and by this point i was like actually d y i n g. we got in, they did some security checks and we went up to the kitchen to get food (taylor’s spotify playlist was on in the background). there were rep m and m’s, rep iced biscuits, cheese and crackers and ofc my fave chicken nuggets (THEY WERE SO GOOD I ATE LIKE 10). i was talking to @auntbeckyisbae and @lovetaylorsmusic (who are so lovely btw) when i spotted scott swift handing out guitar picks and talking to fans. and then tree paine came thru and that was awesome bc it was like all the iconic people were there, and we also saw andrea coming down the stairs and waved. and then suddenly we all got moved through to the living room with candles burning everywhere and cushions on the floor around a chair and a speaker and that was when i let myself get my hopes up that this was a secret session. and then as i was looking at the door i saw a glimpse of red lipstick and shouted so loud and everyone started shouting and screaming support and my queen @taylorswift came in in the most beautiful camouflage patterned dress, with curly hair and these fucking snake boots that slayed me so hard. she introduced herself (ofc) and talked us through what was gonna happen and what we could and couldn’t say and she shouted out all 13 of the countries represented. and then the secret stuff happened that i can’t talk about but i can promise you reputation is a piece of art ; it’s dark, it’s sexy, it’s sharp, it’s emotional and it’s so her. there were songs that had us screaming bc of how witty they were and then THAT song that we all cried at. at one point during the one that made us all cry tay looked at me and smiled and mouthed some of the most emotional lyrics and i d i e d. then we got to read the rep magazines and they were passed around while tay got ready for photos, and then suddenly i was walking in to meet her and i was so nervous and she smiled really big and said ‘hey honey!’ in the brightest voice and i told her i loved her and she said i love you too! and we talked about the cats and she said mere still hates her but loves her bf and we just talked and it was incredible. we took a picture of me hugging her and then my brother got one too, and all too soon it was over and i was walking away and saying bye and thank you. and then we got our merch bags and got on the bus back.

me:

like my grandmother ‘loved’ me, but she also was always trying to change me.  she tried to take me away from my (catholic bisexual) mother.  she made me wear dresses when i was there.  she always tried to get me to go to church and was always asking me if i was dating a boy yet

i spent years feeling guilty that i wasn’t what she wanted me to be until my mom told me one day “she never bothered to know the real you”

and it’s true.  any time i tried to show her something about myself, even cook for her, it would be dismissed, and a replacement would be offered.  even northern food was somehow a sin.  

she loved me what she thought i should be, she never loved me.