AroAce Thoughts

I’ve debated how vulnerable I need to be (in the letter & in general) because if they want to preserve the friendship at a less intense level, my honesty about my feelings (the depth of my love, the depth of my sadness) would hinder that. But while I feel like I should be OK with downgrading the friendship to preserve it, is it worth it if it comes at the cost (and pain) of hiding myself? Or is that the cost of love, to be able to love someone at the level they want to be loved even if it requires less connection & honesty? Or is that no longer love? The worst part is that, despite being autistic, with them I felt so safe that not masking felt so natural and masking felt like dishonesty. I’ve never felt that safe before. To accept the masked version of the friendship is the kill the unmasked version of me that was able to exist in our friendship. I knew not to get attached to this, but it creates another source of grief to account for. Acceptance requires a kind of cauterizing that means I have to close the door on that safe friendship for good, so I need to be sure it’s the end. Sending the letter gives me the chance to know sooner whether I’m bleeding out or not.

How do I tell them how much I need them right now? How can I ask for their time and love and embrace without feeling like I’m using them? How do I even know they’re still the safe person I had before, when I’m not sure they what they want out of the friendship anymore? We’ve had no time or space to talk about this, and I don’t know when we’ll get the chance.

Part of me thinks we need to follow our sensual activities to their logical conclusion instead of reigning things in, placing strict boundaries so we don’t get carried away or confused and calling it sensory-seeking since we both know we’re not endgame. Is it still a hookup if we both deeply love each other? Or is it a Real Actual Relationship? I’m not sure which would be worse. Not having a word or even a template for such a relationship may put it in the same unsustainable category that we’re in now. Would it help keep them out of bad relationships or hurt their recovery? My primary concern is protecting their heart, and as much as they’ve asked for sex, they’ve also backtracked because they’re afraid it could ruin our friendship. I don’t think it would, not like the ones in their past anyway, but I don’t know how it might fundamentally alter it even with a clearheaded approach. On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind at all if we de-escalated to simply cuddling while watching movies and holding hands and forehead kisses, or even less if necessary. I told them everything sensual, especially the extreme end, as fun as it is, isn’t a have-to. I gain more emotional pleasure from the very smallest gestures they offer—resting their head on top of mine during a hug produces an emotion in me I can’t even find a word for. I truly don’t know what I actually want. I know it’s all temporary, so it feels like it doesn’t matter what I choose, so I told them I’m ok with either. I’m not sure what they want yet. They never gave me an answer, but I wasn’t asking them to decide right then. This is a post-rehab decision for sure, so I’ll have to wait at least a month to know where this is going.

This new friend, not sure what to call them now since it’s no longer that new. Not sure what to call any of this, but fortunately the aces invented some words that could help. My friend checks in sometimes to be sure that we’re on the same page—even though we kiss, we’re not romantic partners, we’ll always love each other & be friends, but we’re never getting married, etc.—so I wondered whether they were having trouble categorizing our relationship. I told them about romantic friendships and queerplatonic relationships, since it seems like what we have fits at least one of those criteria (though ours is not likely to have a life-partner aspect since they want a traditional marriage with kids). I think they were glad to know such things existed, that what we’re doing isn’t new or strange. I think they’ve been worried that I’ll get the wrong idea at some point, but I’ve always known I’m a placeholder. My heart broke the second I knew I loved them. Every tender moment is paired with grief traveling backwards through time to remind me that one day it’ll be out of reach. It’s a fight to stay present. It’s a fight to accept their love as it is now and impossible for me to believe it won’t evaporate when they find a true romantic partner. But for now I have a QPR, I guess. Another ace skill unlocked.

I passed yet another ace test, perhaps even the final boss. My new friend and I made out, and while it was surprisingly very fun (10/10, did do again, multiple times), I have had no awakenings. In fact, I may have even passed the aro test as well. If there’s supposed to be something that shifts when you kiss someone you’re emotionally close to, it didn’t happen for me, not so far. I already know I love them dearly, in my intense platonic way, and I told them this, which is what preceded the kissing (their suggestion), but what makes this not romantic? I’m not entirely sure, but neither of us is motivated to partner up or dreams of a shared/exclusive life together—we’ve confirmed this multiple times to each other and so far are on the same page. It’s purely for sensual/sensory fun, stemming from a lot of sensual attraction, but we both also appreciate the opportunity to connect in this way and express the platonic affection we have. Which probably sounds ridiculous, I know. But it’s the safety I feel with them specifically, via our platonic connection, that’s really allowed this to become a thing at all. I can’t even make a generalizable claim about whether I’d be sensually attracted like this to anyone else. The most potentially-romantic part might be the way they make me feel, but probably only because desirability and validation are often also mediated through sensual channels in romantic relationships. It’s ultimately intensely platonic all the way down for me after the superficial similarities. We both know there’s no future romantically or sexually, and I already accepted the heartbreak that will come from this relationship when I chose to love them, so it makes no difference to me. I feel like I’ll be able to compartmentalize well enough when the relationship needs to shift away from the sensual, though I will definitely miss it. It’s fairly addicting currently, perhaps from the newness, and maybe the feeling will mellow by the time they find a romantic partner (I am even assisting in this hunt). Maybe everything will go horribly wrong, who knows! They did say they love me, though, and I know they greatly value our friendship, and that’s all I really need. I may not have even that one day, but to have had it at all is wonderful. All that being said, not entirely sure how I found myself in a highly-sensual, aromantic, deeply platonic friendship, but apparently, for now, such a thing does exist!

The strangest thing about my new & very intense friendship is how completely opposite we are on the spectrum of sexual attraction. I’m ace, of course, & have had no “experiences,” but they are bisexual and consider themselves a very sexual being—they were incredibly active at a young age, so they’ve got quite a lot of experience. A year ago, they broke up with their long-term partner and moved to my town, where I met them about 6 months after their breakup. They said they were attracted to me from the beginning and thought I was interested in them as well, but it turns out they found a celibate asexual instead! A one-in-1000 chance at least, I bet. If they were looking for a rebound, I definitely ruined that, but they could do way better than me. Despite this difference, though, we have a lot in common and connect really well—we can talk for hours! They’ve been celibate for over a year now, though, and I seem to be their only attempt at being otherwise (still don’t understand why), so I don’t fully know what they mean by “sexual being” since they’ve been willing to go without for so long. The more I learn about them, I think so much of their life revolved around finding their value & identity & validation in their sexuality because of what it meant to others. I wonder if their offer to me of sex earlier was part of that—how they default to reciprocate affection & attention or express intimacy & safety. I don’t begrudge them their sexual attraction & attractiveness, but I hope they’ll be able to see how much value they have outside of that, especially to me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to convey this to them, but who better than someone who can only love and appreciate them nonsexually? I see so much beauty in them that I wish they could see. Like when the moon covers the brightest part of the sun during a total solar eclipse, and the streaming silver corona is briefly visible—that’s what I hope they’re able to witness in themselves before the time we have together is over.

I’ll admit, as confident as I felt in my feelings, I wished there was a way I could know for sure instead of wondering if I’d be disproved one random day by the “right” person. In a fascinating turn of events, I’ve made a new friend whom I find incredibly attractive in every way *except* sexually. (I still haven’t figured out if I’m romantically attracted or if it’s just the intense platonic/emotional/sensual/aesthetic attractions combining forces.) By all rights, I should be having sexual feelings about this person by this point, even if I were demi. Even though their interest in me is expressly friendship, zero pressure to be otherwise, I know that if I did have sexual feelings I wanted to act on, they would likely be ok with that, so lack of opportunity isn’t an excuse. Despite all this, there is no scenario I can imagine with them where I’d desire that kind of interaction, in any form! Not even a bit, which honestly was a little surprising. I have aced the ace test! Which just means I really don’t understand a core experience for 99.9% of humans, but hey, at least my own hypothesis is truly proven. I absolutely would kiss them, though, if they were interested in that, which seems unlikely to happen, but that’s the only variable left that has the remote chance of creating some wildcard neurological effect, if that’s even a thing? Yet another experience I know nothing of!

I got about half of the answer I needed from my new friend. We talked about the balance & motivation of paying for things & are on the same page. I told them I wasn’t experienced in dealing with very touchy people & wasn’t sure where they were coming from. They said they are very touchy with everyone, but I’ve never seen them with anyone else, so I’ll have to assume they also caress other people’s hands while gazing sweetly into their eyes, even if that seems unusual. I said I was worried about them feeling rejected or “led on” if I didn’t know how to match their energy correctly, and they kindly said “don’t worry, you won’t break my heart.” Honestly not fully sure how to take that (reassurance? defiance?), but I’ll err on the side of assuming they’re definitely not romantically interested & know I’m not going to pursue that. Even though I might if they wanted, whatever it is… but they know I’m a waste of their time in that way. I may get my heart broken regardless, though. Even if all this isn’t just limerence and lovebombing, I’ll still ultimately be a transitional step between their recent breakup and next relationship, and I’ll be ok with that if I can be a positive influence for them in that process. Right now I feel like they’ve picked me up off my feet—a heady, ungrounded feeling, since I’m not used to our current level of vulnerability & affection. Whether they drop me or set me down gently, it’ll hurt, but I’m well-practiced in dealing with unrequited love (is there any other kind?).

I came out as ace to a new friend recently. Only problem is that I’m incredibly attracted to them in practically every dimension except the sexual, and I am completely confused by their own signals. For years I’ve puzzled over what the difference between platonic & romantic attraction is, still have no clear understanding even for myself, since it feels like they converge at some point in intensity. Would I “date” this friend? Absolutely. Would it be a complete waste of their time? Absolutely. They said they’re looking for marriage & the kind of intimacy I can’t provide. And yet, the amount of sensual intimacy they’ve engaged in, despite knowing this, is unprecedented for me. I haven’t seen them with others to know if they’re as handsy with other friends. I was nearly able to ask them what exactly is going on, but the moment passed, and the next day, they seemed noticeably more distant, so I didn’t have an opening. But I’m old and autistic so the next time I see them, I will just ask where they’re at. Problem is, do I know where I’m at? What I want? What’s even reasonable? It would make perfect sense to me, a perpetual placeholder, that we “date” in the sense of going on fun outings & being physically close until it’s time for my heart to be broken again, and for all of this to fall under the umbrella of friendship. But I have to recognize how crazy that may sound to someone who experiences platonic & romantic attraction with vastly more contrast than I do. Even if I just pay their way for things out of the joy of spending time with them & having someone to do fun things with, with physical affection off the table, I’m worried I’ll put them in an uncomfortable position of feeling like a date when they just want to feel like a friend. But the difference to me is negligible in that case—why shouldn’t I treat a friend who enjoys my company like a date, especially when they know my boundaries? It’s hard for me to understand the other perspective & find words to explain how my platonic attraction looks at higher intensities. When I tried to explain to my dear friend the love I felt for them, they straight-up told me they couldn’t understand the kind of love I was describing. So I’m not sure of my success this time in a different context, but hopefully I can find the right words without overexplaining or suggesting some insane ace pipe dream as a solution.

My friend & their spouse are having a baby tomorrow. The last bud on the branch opened today. A lot has happened in the 17 months between the blooms. I still can’t convince myself that all of it was for the best, or that our friendship will be the same, let alone better, when my friend moves into this new stage of life. In one of our hard talks shortly after they got married, they got emotional telling me how they had pictured me being around with their future children and wanted me in their life for these big moments. I want to be able to be “there” like they imagined, to still be relevant to them, possibly even wanted. But as beautiful as this all *could* turn out to be for all the patience & growth in between, transitions haven’t been our friend so far, and I can’t let myself get attached to blooms.

But for the first time in over a month, my friend asked to hang out with me this week. I told them I’d love that. I considered being measured in my response, but even without hope, I have to be honest. The next day they told me they had a dream that we were hanging out, but I decided I wanted to drive to the airport, hopped a plane, and flew away, and they were like “well I guess we’re done hanging out for today…” We both found it hilarious, but I’ve always wondered whether my friend’s dreams betray something about their deeper feelings for me. They dream about me far more than I do about them (maybe I process it all consciously and don’t need to), and in the dreams they tell me about, at least, we’re a team. I’m always helping them do something—once I was flying a helicopter to help them rescue their spouse. They had a dream like this after the dream of me leaving the hang out. I don’t know what I’m not told about, and I’ve wondered whether I’m in bad dreams, too, and if that contributes to their pulling away at times. I wondered whether the dream about my leaving the hang out represented some anxiety they’re feeling over me. I wonder what always being “there” for them in the dreams means to them—if there’s a deep connection they feel that they’re afraid of. Folks say avoidant attachers are afraid of vulnerability & closeness because once it gets real, it comes with loss. I wish my friend would just be honest with themselves about how they feel. I’ve done everything I can, even at the expense of my emotional safety, to show them I’d be there for them as long as they want me there. That doesn’t work if they push me away. And dreams alone can’t make up for it.