Guys just wear masks in the beginning to make you fall in love so it’s harder to break away. I don’t think I wanna try for anyone after this. If I can buy a house on my own and just vibe by myself I think I’ll be okay. It’s better than this..
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@lizzqueenie
Guys just wear masks in the beginning to make you fall in love so it’s harder to break away. I don’t think I wanna try for anyone after this. If I can buy a house on my own and just vibe by myself I think I’ll be okay. It’s better than this..

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Yesterday I put a partial down payment for my house. I had my dude with me. We saw a first one and I didn’t like the neighborhood so i went to go look at another place in a different town. I was following the lady and he was mad because he needed to go to WT because I just gave him $40. He needed to meet someone for fetty. In the middle of us trying to buy a place.. he dead ass got out at a stop sign after being on the phone and saying “lemme figure this shit out” and hung up. After he got out he texted me “I’m cool on moving in, you do you, have fun, I’ll never forget this” what?? I didn’t even talk.. he just got out of the car… I told him that. How is he gonna be mad at me for that? Then he replied with he had to break into a trailer and he might go to jail.. I was like why? He replied back an hour later and said he was good and he left.. I was like ight.. tf.. you got your money and ditched me in the middle of something important. That shows me plenty. I don’t want you to move in and I don’t wanna be with you anymore. In good with all this BS.
He’s mad, so mad he doesn’t wanna talk today. I’m at work wanting to relapse but the blades are dull. He knew I was about to crash emotionally today too. I told him yesterday.. who cares though. Like I said, my feelings don’t mean anything, I don’t mean anything and I shouldn’t be here. I’m glad no one has this page and it’s all quiet. I don’t need anyone knowing this is how I feel. Just need to put it down somewhere I guess. I’m always gonna feel this way. It’s always gonna be this way. Gotta stay quiet even though he tells me to speak my mind. I can’t even tell him I gotta go to work without everyone saying I’m making a scene and I yelled.. I didn’t. I just moved the foil and he wanted it back so I gave it to him and said I just wanted a kiss and to love on you.. I didn’t even say it loud.. I’m a problem. As always. When I apologized and said it was my fault. It was even a bigger problem. He said no it’s his fault and over reacting.. he didn’t wanna let it up.. until he just didn’t wanna talk anymore..
Telling me I’m getting too comfortable tells me I can’t get comfortable… hold back always because he doesn’t really like me.. just the surface. Just want I can do for him and when I’m quiet with no opinion.. why am I even here.. trying to relapse that’s for sure..
Before, I couldn’t wait to get off work and head to you. I’d rush out of my car to get inside just to see you. Because before: you would be waiting for me. Waiting in the threshold of your place or even in the driveway ready to open my door. With questions on how my day was, if I ate anything, what did I eat, if I’m hungry now. You cared. I returned that. I’ve been returning it but lately it hasn’t been that way. I find myself sitting in the car not wanting to up to your apt. 5 minutes go by.. okay I’ll go in.. 10 mins go by… okay I’ll go in… I open the door and still sit.. close the door and still sit.. you know I’m here in the parking lot. But you’re no longer waiting in the parking lot/ driveway. You’re no longer waiting in the threshold.. I know when I walk in you might be on the phone or so heavily into your phone you don’t even notice I’m there. Just subconsciously open the door. Or you are sleeping finally.. day 5 today..

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My thing is, men say they want you to talk to them in the moment about something if there is something wrong. You do then you get called negative right off the jump. So I don’t say anything and when I don’t say anything I get “you should have told me in the moment”. So don’t say anything at all. Just hide it. Then when I’m quiet I gotta say I’m just stressed and it’s anxiety.
The drugs.. I thought you would try harder than what you did to stay clean but you didn’t. You’re aware it hurts me but you don’t care enough to stop and that hurts. I can’t get any time with you even if I’m next to you. This past week I’ve just watched you get deeper and deeper in your addiction and I don’t want to.. but I don’t want to leave you. I know you are like this because of the addiction. It’s not who you are. I can’t stop you from anything. I can only encourage but when I don’t see my importance anymore… I just wanna pull away. I know I’ve been bitchy, I’m aware now that I’ve been snapping at you and I don’t want to but I just can’t. The situations you have gotten into and the deeper you go the harder I see it’s gonna be to get out.. the only way you would get out is if you went to jail. You are a meaner person when you’re using. I tried telling you that and of course you got upset saying “don’t be saying that stuff, that I’m mean to you”.. no consideration of my feelings anymore. Yet you want me to tell you in the moment. I could have full conversations with you. You would pay attention. We talked about a lot of things. I hate waking up in the middle of the night to you using. I hate that you stay up for days at a time. You’re on your 5th day and you don’t care about anything I have to say. You bring people around that don’t want to see you succeed, who only give you false promises but yet bring em back a few hours later just for your stuff to get stolen or for them to use you for the things you got with the money you just got. Then they disappear with excuse after excuse on why not to help you with getting money. Shit but when you have it they use it until it’s gone within a couple of hours again. Then you added a puppy into the mix. Just more and more money. I can’t tell you anything. I don’t want to make you upset about anything. I’m tired of making you upset so I just don’t wanna speak anymore. If I have an issue imma just keep it to myself.
Needed to come back to a journal. When there’s no where to turn. Just write it down again. New relationship. Been going on for a year now. Drugs are a bitch though..
#drugs #addiction #relationship
I guess we’ll talk when your drinkin sweetheart. Weird behavior. Don’t stop texting me during the middle of the day, then text me “good morning 😃” at 10 the next day? I know your schedule.. two can play the game. I’ll talk to you when I feel like it
I’ve got a few open paths, I’m not sure which one to take. I honestly don’t even know if their paths or what all this means. So should I just continue? Like okay dumb or should I cut it down or just stop all together?
Man you got me timing myself on when to text back 😏😌

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It has been YEARS tumblr! I’ve been through hell and back while I was gone! Got into an abusive relationship for 5 years. Foo wouldn’t even let me download tumblr. But I’m back and better than ever 😏 I ain’t going anywhere now 😌
Damn tumblr, it’s been a long time
Life is shut again
You fucking thought
This nigga opened my phone with my thumb print while I was sleeping 🙃 I DONT WATCH PORNHUB. My go to site is xnxx 🙃 i really have to take my fucking thumb print out of my phone now because of this nigga.

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🌹🌹🌹