Throughout My Life

Guys just wear masks in the beginning to make you fall in love so it’s harder to break away. I don’t think I wanna try for anyone after this. If I can buy a house on my own and just vibe by myself I think I’ll be okay. It’s better than this..

Yesterday I put a partial down payment for my house. I had my dude with me. We saw a first one and I didn’t like the neighborhood so i went to go look at another place in a different town. I was following the lady and he was mad because he needed to go to WT because I just gave him $40. He needed to meet someone for fetty. In the middle of us trying to buy a place.. he dead ass got out at a stop sign after being on the phone and saying “lemme figure this shit out” and hung up. After he got out he texted me “I’m cool on moving in, you do you, have fun, I’ll never forget this” what?? I didn’t even talk.. he just got out of the car… I told him that. How is he gonna be mad at me for that? Then he replied with he had to break into a trailer and he might go to jail.. I was like why? He replied back an hour later and said he was good and he left.. I was like ight.. tf.. you got your money and ditched me in the middle of something important. That shows me plenty. I don’t want you to move in and I don’t wanna be with you anymore. In good with all this BS.

He’s mad, so mad he doesn’t wanna talk today. I’m at work wanting to relapse but the blades are dull. He knew I was about to crash emotionally today too. I told him yesterday.. who cares though. Like I said, my feelings don’t mean anything, I don’t mean anything and I shouldn’t be here. I’m glad no one has this page and it’s all quiet. I don’t need anyone knowing this is how I feel. Just need to put it down somewhere I guess. I’m always gonna feel this way. It’s always gonna be this way. Gotta stay quiet even though he tells me to speak my mind. I can’t even tell him I gotta go to work without everyone saying I’m making a scene and I yelled.. I didn’t. I just moved the foil and he wanted it back so I gave it to him and said I just wanted a kiss and to love on you.. I didn’t even say it loud.. I’m a problem. As always. When I apologized and said it was my fault. It was even a bigger problem. He said no it’s his fault and over reacting.. he didn’t wanna let it up.. until he just didn’t wanna talk anymore..

Telling me I’m getting too comfortable tells me I can’t get comfortable… hold back always because he doesn’t really like me.. just the surface. Just want I can do for him and when I’m quiet with no opinion.. why am I even here.. trying to relapse that’s for sure..

Before, I couldn’t wait to get off work and head to you. I’d rush out of my car to get inside just to see you. Because before: you would be waiting for me. Waiting in the threshold of your place or even in the driveway ready to open my door. With questions on how my day was, if I ate anything, what did I eat, if I’m hungry now. You cared. I returned that. I’ve been returning it but lately it hasn’t been that way. I find myself sitting in the car not wanting to up to your apt. 5 minutes go by.. okay I’ll go in.. 10 mins go by… okay I’ll go in… I open the door and still sit.. close the door and still sit.. you know I’m here in the parking lot. But you’re no longer waiting in the parking lot/ driveway. You’re no longer waiting in the threshold.. I know when I walk in you might be on the phone or so heavily into your phone you don’t even notice I’m there. Just subconsciously open the door. Or you are sleeping finally.. day 5 today..

I guess we’ll talk when your drinkin sweetheart. Weird behavior. Don’t stop texting me during the middle of the day, then text me “good morning 😃” at 10 the next day? I know your schedule.. two can play the game. I’ll talk to you when I feel like it

I’ve got a few open paths, I’m not sure which one to take. I honestly don’t even know if their paths or what all this means. So should I just continue? Like okay dumb or should I cut it down or just stop all together?

Man you got me timing myself on when to text back 😏😌

It has been YEARS tumblr! I’ve been through hell and back while I was gone! Got into an abusive relationship for 5 years. Foo wouldn’t even let me download tumblr. But I’m back and better than ever 😏 I ain’t going anywhere now 😌

Damn tumblr, it’s been a long time

Life is shut again