STILL ALIVE

My current partner (not my monster of an ex) is the kindest, gentlest and most caring and affectionate man. I love him so much. I hope it lasts forever lol, we are so alike and we have so much fun together. We respect each other and are very communicative. He's aware of everything that happened with my ex.

I still can't really believe it happened.

What's worse is that I had gone back to see him yet again, a week after it happened. I know. What the fucking fuck was wrong with me, you're asking yourself. I'm asking myself the same thing. I must have had insane Stockholm syndrome... He was very manipulative. I was manic and completely alone in the world with no friends or family who I could see in person to talk to. Don't worry, I made it out without a scratch that time, and will never go back.

My current partner and I met about 7 months ago about 2 months after I moved closer to my sister. We were off and on for a while because he and I both have mental illness and couldn't seem to communicate well enough. He broke up with me kind of, he claims I was forcing him into doing it. Who knows who was right about that, we we're both so out of it mentally, both of us were all over the place. Now, we are both medicated and it's night and day.

I don't think I've ever known true love until I met my current partner. He is everything a man ought to be. I love him for all of him. The good and the bad (although with him, the good outweighs the bad every single fucking time). I also feel that he and I love each other equally. One doesn't love one more than the other. We love each other completely. He's a nerd which I resonate with lol. And he's extremely talented! I fell in love with him almost instantly. Our bond was strong and our chemistry was everything.

Then he broke up with me one night out of the blue after a month of dating. My sister wrote me off for about 5 months for a while... You have to understand, she and I were best friends my entire life... I had no one to talk to. No one to go to. I was so depressed and so sad... I admit that's when I drove to see my ex. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know that my current partner would later contact me again to reconnect... I definitely wouldn't have done what I did. I was so love sick... Its hard to explain and it's just... A lot. I know.

My current partner spoke of how he feels guilty.. my sister and I recently reconnected and I felt that I had to tell her what happened while we werent talking. I had to tell her that my first thought when I was about to pass out from being strangled was that I was never going to see my sister again or my family again.

The relief I feel now that my sister and I are talking again... Is so immense. It feels as if I was in an ice bath whereas now my body feels more at ease and my mind feels less burdened.

It's hard not to feel responsible for what he did to me. I knew he was dangerous. I guess I just truly didn't expect anything like that to happen to me. Didn't think he could go that far. People should know about what he did. I'm just too afraid to tell anyone who he is for fear of his reaction if or when he finds out. I'm terrified of him and so should anyone be.

He has put multiple men in hospitals. When he fights he wins. He is scary. He has violent priors. Very manipulative. I'm extremely concerned for his next girlfriend. I'm worried he could definitely kill someone... I have basically no legal leg to stand on except for a t shirt with blood and DNA all over it from that night.

Okay wait I'm sorry, I need to explain a little more. When I met him, he was a 2 years sober musician and welding artist  and we spent the bulk of our time together working out and working in the garage on painting and welding everyday for hours. Sometimes 4 to 6 hrs a day late into the night after work. He was not an affectionate person with me. Women loved him, he was good looking and he let everyone know it. He had a very huge ego. He stopped using meth intravenously 2 yrs before we met. He fell off the wagon when his mother had a brain aneurysm 6 months into the relationship.

Everything spiraled out of control. There were about month-long periods he would go sober, the next month he'd be shooting up every 2 mins for two weeks, then repeat. His behavior became more violent and paranoid as the months went on. There came a point when I came to the conclusion that it was in my best interest to not upset him, at all costs. And I was addicted to him. I was addicted to the person that I met, not who he was becoming more and more every day.

The only way I can describe why I felt like I couldn't leave for so long is... I can only compare it to a Manson-like brainwashing. He got me legal prescription uppers which I abused all day for a week each month. The ups were so high and the amount of canvases I painted and the amount of art the both he and I were coming out with was unbelievable. But when the high was over and the pills ran out, the lows... The lows were extremely and unbearably low. Being poisonously, blindly in love with an evil man is something that I never thought that I would ever in a million years understand. I'm sad to say that now, I do understand. 

Fast forward to the end of the two year relationship. Things were getting better and he was sober and healthy. Other than being an asshole pig, he seemed almost sane. I realized that if I was going to leave, I needed to leave and asap. Him being stable-ish left more potential for the breakup going semi "smoothly". One morning he left for the gym and it was as if someone was whispering to me to get what I could grab quickly and throw my belongings into trash bags and throw it all in my car. I called my sister who lived 6 hours away, and we planned for my getaway. I waited until he got back, we had a reasonable breakup and I left. I actually got out of there unscathed. 

I'm ashamed to say we were texting and talking on and off when I first moved away because I clearly was having issues letting go. I was so used to a constant fight-or-flight state of mind, state of being, that I couldnt separate myself him completely. Not to mention he decided that he had an epiphany that he "didn't know he was in love with me till I left" kind of thing. I could tell he believed he meant that. Regardless of whether or not it was true... I digress. I told him I hooked up with someone and he started sending me pictures of his wrists slit deeply and started taunting me on the phone while he was cutting himself over and over. 

Things were done at that point. 

Now, flash forward about 3 months. We meet at a hotel and have sex and spend that weekend together. I have bipolar disorder and my impulsivity was very high. Not to mention I had no one to talk to, no friends and my sister and I had a falling out, not that any of that is any excuse.

He was high. I didn't get hurt. He professed love and seemed to really believe himself about it. It was hard not to be drawn into his declarations of love because I had spent two years in love with the man when he never returned any romantic affection and hardly kissed me. It was so illuring that I felt that I couldn't resist. We part ways and plan to see each other again. 

We text on and off. Then I visit him again at his home for a week. It was time for me to leave. I was getting ready to go. Apparently he was looking through my phone and found an old picture of someone I was talking to on a dating site. 

This is when it happens. 

The first thing he does is punch me square in the mouth and my lip is instantly split in three places. There is blood everywhere and he is punching me in the top, sides and back of the head while holding me down on the bed. 

This part is hard for me. Well, all of this is hard but I worry this will impact me for a long time and in the future. He grabbed my head with his hands and placed his thumbs over my eyes and pushed hard with all of his weight. He was trying to push my eyes in. I screamed bloody murder and managed to bite his right pointer finger and bit hard, sinking my canine tooth into his finger and refusing to let it go. 

It seemed that he thought I had "gone too far" because the level of rage that I was experiencing from him seemed to double, and he started to strangle me, holding me down on the bed. I wish this wasn't true but it was minutes long where I could not breath and I was fighting for my life writhing around and straining my back, arms and legs to somehow free myself. His right arm was holding my left arm down while I was on my back on the bed while he kept my legs from moving by blocking them with his legs, all the while he is strangling me with his left hand... I started to feel myself slipping away, and I knew I was about to pass out and possibly die. 

Something nudged me to start mouthing, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Over and over just as I could feel my lights going out, because I thought there must be a chance that he'll stop if I say something he might want to hear. Thank fuck I was right. I can't remember him letting go of me but I remember I scrambled off of the bed and into the corner of the room, half screaming, half crying as I coughed and gasped for air. That's when he said, "I'm sorry liz but you're aren't leaving."  Then he picked up a knife from inside the bedside drawer (a dull steak knife) and and he was cutting himself with it and pacing around the room. I was sure that I was about to be stabbed to death. 

I left everything I had, even my phone, but I ran out the front door crying and screaming and I realized he was in his underwear and shirt. We we're both on the front lawn in the middle of the night. He claimed that he was turning it into something sexual or something... He tried to put my hand on his dick and I recoiled and stepped back. I actually laughed and said "you tried to kill me... You tried to kill me!!!" And I ran to my car and drove off. Luckily my keys were still in my back pocket. God that was so lucky... 

Everyone I spoke to that night to call for help told me NOT to go to the ER or report him. Honestly... Everyone was scared of what he might do if I reported him. No one wanted me to "start anything". I'm honestly still too afraid of him to report him. The only proof I even have is an unwashed, bloody t shirt in a box. Not really sure why I'm posting this. I just am so sick of this feeling like such a secret. I want to warn the entire world to stay away from this man at all costs and yet my family and I are too fearful for our lives and well-beings to do so.... But I'm truly, truly worried for his next victim(s). He's extremely strong. He's an amateur MMA fighter and when he's on drugs he's even stronger than normal. He's completely unhinged. He is a monster. 

Please. Run the fuck away as soon as that little voice tells you too, don't wait before it's too late. It was almost too late for me. And please, if your loved one is in a physically abusive relationship or if you suspect they are, find a legal loophole to find a way to remove them from that household, against their will if necessary. I wish someone had done that for me a long time ago. The way we are taught to handle adult physical abuse is WRONG. We shame those who are in abusive relationships to the point where they begin to ostracize themselves from their loved ones, only driving them further into the relationship and the abuse. It's all they know. Human beings can get used to anything. Get them out. Now. Find a way. 

Also, if you have any advice on how to get this guy thrown away in prison ig lemme know, cuz I'm at a loss. (this all happened less than 5 months ago)