Soon To Be

I did a thing!

I was explaining to my husband today that last night, I watched the Netflix trailer for Christopher Robin and started crying, so I think I’m getting my period. He pulled up the full trailer for us to watch, and I ended up literally sobbing. He laughed and said “wow, you really are getting your period.” Literally half an hour later... boom! There it is.

But my question is this: Am I crying because I’m getting my period, or is Pooh just that adorable?

It seems that, lucky me, I have developed, or I guess I should say, reverted back to all of the worst side effects of not being on birth control.

Acne? Check!

Mood swings? Check!

Boobs getting smaller? Check!

Monstrous menstruation? Check!

But the greatest part of all is that now, after being on birth control for 12 years and developing Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, NOW when I go off it, I finally develop a sex drive... While sex is still extremely painful!

I’ve been trying to stay consistent with going back to the gym. I really need to get myself back in gear. I’m not going to be anywhere near my fitness goals in time for Hawaii, but at least I’ll be heading in the right direction.

Definitely sore today, but overall, I’ve felt pretty good. I was able to pick back up with my usual workout a few weeks ago. No downsizing weights. No starting with fewer reps.

I really felt as though life was no different being off birth control. Everything seemed fine. I think it came over me slowly. It coincided with a traumatic situation at work and a dramatic change with one co-teacher leaving and another taking her place. It was masked by the overwhelming weight of being behind in absolutely every way on every deadline. It hid behind work that needed to be done on my thesis. It was shadowed by lesson plans, grading, and IEPs. I didn’t see it coming. Then my period started, or seemed to, and I thought “ok, it’s been about a month. So far so good.” Then Friday came.

I realized I hadn’t lived this last week. I realized I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing. I realized I had been on autopilot. Honestly, how did I get anything done? I couldn’t remember our lesson plans from one day to the next. I couldn’t remember what to bring home or what to bring to school. I realized I had not prepared at all for a grad school deadline. I left school in a cloud. I came home and sat on the couch, watched hours of tv, and couldn’t get myself to accomplish anything while I waited for my husband to come home. He got home late, and by the time we had finished dinner, it was after 8:00. I had two full days of grad school work ahead of me and just this night to shut my brain off, relax, play some video games. Here’s where it starts to get stupid.

I still didn’t realize how out of it I was. I was still on autopilot at this point. Functioning because I had to. But now I didn’t have to. I just wanted to play Battlefield. Not a huge request. But husband wanted to play this new game he’s been playing with a friend. He had previously joked about how hard it was and how I would hate it because I hate games where I have to die over and over again. I told him I didn’t want to play that, that I didn’t want to play something new, but he started it up anyway. I figured I should just try it rather than make it a whole thing.

I do the stupid training thing, and I hate every second of it. He’s telling me what to do in the background as the voice in the game is telling me what to do, and I’m already angry. He sighs when I do things wrong and gets frustrated when I don’t know what he’s talking about. Mind you, I have a headset on and can hardly even hear him. We play three rounds of the stupid game and die instantly every time. I state that I’m going to bed and quit out. He tells our friend he’ll be back and follows me out of the living room. I’m trying to feed the cats, who have been meowing for an hour, and I completely. Fucking. Lose it.

Literally over a video game. I lost my shit. I’m crying and saying I just wanted to play Battlefield and I hate that other game and no I don’t want to play Battlefield now I’m so tired and it’s too late and all I had was a few free hours and tomorrow and Sunday I have to do school work and all I wanted to do was play Battlefield. And I’m crying like a child. My husband is trying to comfort me and apologizing like he actually did anything wrong. And I’m sitting there feeling like a complete idiot.

I try to explain it’s not me. I feel like I’m not even in my body. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m crying. I realize I’ve felt weird all week and my skin is crawling and I don’t know what to do. I want to tear at it. And I want to scream. And I want to punch things. I want to leave my body because it doesn’t feel right. I can’t think. I can’t remember. I can’t feel any of the things I’m supposed to. I just feel lost and empty and off. I have too many obligations and not enough space in my brain to add new things and how can you expect me to play this new game when my brain is so full. I don’t have room like you do. I don’t have spare time or spare space. I’m overflowing. Can’t you fucking see that? And I’m crying because I shouldn’t be yelling. How could he know? Then he says he knows and I’m screaming YOU DONT. Because he’s never been an overwhelmed teacher in an underfunded school with kids who are hurting and kids who are scared and kids who are bullied and kids who don’t care and bosses who treat you like you’re nothing at all and almost at the end of a masters degree should feel great but there’s so much left to be done so it doesn’t and I can’t manage my time and you’ve never worked more than one job you come home and relax I come home and switch brains from teacher to student and you’ve never gone off birth control and you’ve never had hormones alter the entirety of your body for 12 years and just leave and your body is left in what feels like pieces. YOU DONT KNOW. And he says I’m right but imagines it’s tough and I’m crying because I’ve just had enough. And there’s nothing anyone can say or do.

Most of the time I feel pretty normal, but then my uterus feels like it’s trying to come out of my body. Not sure how long this is going to last. The current wave has lasted a solid 20 minutes, but it has been bad all day. Spotting has stopped, which is great. The weirdest thing is probably that I have no idea when I’m going to get my period again. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had to worry about that.

Going on one week without oral contraceptives, and I have to say I was impressed when my period stopped exactly when it should have. Today, however, it has returned.

Otherwise, I have not noticed much of a difference. Shopping for latex-free vegan condoms has been quite a challenge. Apparently, most are made with milk and some even with the intestines of animals! We’re starting with Skyn by lifestyles, and I suppose we will see how they do.

I have essentially been waiting 12 years to start this blog. I knew from the time I was a teenager that my purpose on this earth was to be a mother. I have been building my life in preparation of this since I was 18. Now at 30, I am nearly there. I have been an English teacher for several years, though I have bounced around from one school to another. I am completing my MA in Special Education this May, and my husband and I will finally be in a place where we are ready to start building the next chapter of our lives.

As of this week, I have taken the first step by finally going off birth control. I had never even considered the negative impact that oral contraceptives would have on my body. All I knew when I was younger was that I wanted to have children but not until I was absolutely ready. I have taken oral contraceptives diligently for 12 years. I won’t get into the issues I am having now that have been caused by these pills. I will save that for another post.