Madness

I swear I'm fine and normal and okay and shit.

Fuck.

C ya on the other side.

I'll miss you even more now.

I scrolled for a sec and God you guys are relatable.

I'm just so scared...

I feel like I'll be found.

Like people are tracking me online.

Even though I haven't even done anything wrong!

Too paranoid for this.

I'll log off.

One day I'll come back, I swear to God, I Want to so badly...

I miss this community of freaks like me.

I miss you all...

Fuck...

Ik, ik, I've been gone forever.

I'm alive.

Just thought I'd let y'all know that I'm okay.

I haven't died or gone off the internet all together.

I'm just too sick to really be active here.

I'm still very much psychotic and struggling to keep anything together.

But time is moving and I'm alive.

I'm just very stuck in my issues.

I hope you all are still here too and hope you're all okay.

I'll come back to this blog when I feel I can handle it.

I'm sorry I just disappeared.

I hope I didn't scare any of y'all.

I'm still here. I'm learning to live despite it all.

I'm learning to live with him and then being here.

Its just really hard and painful.

I think I've really lost it by now.

I'm so disconnected and nothing feels quite real or of consequence.

But I'm learning that this isn't going to go away.

And I'm trying my best to live his life (not mine anymore) on top of it all, with it all.

I'm gonna Have to learn to live like this. Eve with them and him and the madness and rules.

I Have to.

But I'm starting to learn how to appear normal even though I'm very much not.

I wish you all the best. And best of luck and karma to you all. You'll need it too.

And know that I'm fighting my way to some sort of a life and stability inside this mess.

Know that I'm alive and safe (ish).

And know that I've spiralled into madness, but learning to live in it.

I'll come back as said.

Once I can find it in me to not be paranoid about it all.

I really do care about you all and this community.

It has given me so much, and taught me that within paranoid schizophrenia, I'm very typical and normal.

That has given me a normalcy and peace of mind nothing else could.

I no longer feel like I'm some alien that has something mysteriously wrong.

I know I'm schizophrenic, and that you all feel the same things I do.

So thank you.

From the bottom of my broken heart, thank you.

Until next time, stay safe as always.

I hope to return to poetry, art, and this community sometime.

Thank you for reading this huge post. <3

Thanks to you all. Truly.

I wouldn't have the words for any of this without you.

I'm just...

Gonna...

Want to kms in bed for a while...

Maybe scream....

Maybe pace...

Maybe nicotine...

So fing glad I came back!

For the first time since I got sick over a decade ago, I had the thought "I don't want to die. I Want to live."

I never thought I'd Ever think that.

Things still suck and im unraveling.

Everything's terrible.

But.

I Want to live.

Huge.

I'm in awe that I thought that last night.

Stay safe as always.