Let Go
You know, it’s amazing how we will do anything to convince ourselves to believe a lie. We ignore the signs, we try to dismiss the obvious truth because it hurts less. It hurts just a little less to lie and say “She still loves me…” opposed to “Damn, she’s gone.” It doesn’t hurt so bad to say “Damn, Maybe she just need her space…” as opposed to “Fuck! She doesn’t want nothing to do with me.” And all of a sudden you start to realize you only damage yourself with hopeful decisions to keep someone who wasn’t trying to be kept. You have to let go, but you’re so afraid of doing that because you know. You know that 4 years is a lot of time to dedicate to one person, especially one who isn’t ready to be loved that way. You’re afraid because you start to see that, maybe, we live in a society where I comes before you, and I comes before them. We live in a society in which no one wants to love but everybody wants to be loved. Once before, being that selfish “child”, you understood nothing about how love is pain. 4 years, I broke down the very walls that protected me from heart break, deception, hatred, and anger. Afraid to go back into isolation. Where being alone ain’t like it used to be. Being alone now makes me feel lonely because, maybe, in those four years I never knew a love before you. This chasing you, I have to stop chasing you. You once said “I just can’t love you right now, I’m not in love with you anymore.” And the hardest thing I had to ever do was stand in front of you, pretend as if those words didn’t break me inside. Broken, I thought I could fix how you felt about me, tried to convince myself that you hadn’t of let go so easily… I still love you as much as the day I did when I asked you to marry me, but what I’ve learned from loving you is that I have to let go, I have to un-grip this the idea that you are mine, because the bone breaking, heart shattering truth is you didn’t want to be with me since after that first year. I been fighting for so long that at this point I would rather surrender and save the rest of that energy for someone who deserves it.
