love wins.

You’ve heard the catch phrases: “The world is your oyster! You are so young! This is the beginning of the rest of your life!” And I’m not sure if this applies to everyone, but my heart skips a beat when anyone reminds me of the expansive, undetermined nature of my blank-canvas future. While my mouth responds to these unknowingly tortuous people whom I feel obliged to impress “Isn’t it crazy! So many possibilities!” my mind screams “thanks for unleashing the anxiety, SUSAN!” and then comes the spiraling-out-of-control train of thought that always goes something like this:

I have my whole life ahead of me and I haven’t even answered the most essential questions I have for myself. I don’t know who exactly I want to be, what career I want to end up in, and if I don’t know these things, how do I make decisions in spite of my indecision right now? Where do I start and how long do I wait before making a change? Should I pursue a stable path like medical school so I can ensure a sensible and financially secure future all the while checking the “serve others” box in my life responsibilities list? Or should I *follow my bliss* and choose a job purely out of interest? Am I interested in anything enough to want to spend 50+ hours a week doing it? Is it selfish to choose something out of interest? Am I a terrible, entitled narcissist for wanting to genuinely love the way I spend my Monday through Friday? I must be expecting way too much right out of college. What they said about millennials is right. I am the problem.

I hope to God those reading this can relate and don’t immediately feel the need to inform mental health professionals (even though help is always welcomed and encouraged… I will gladly accept referrals). But I truly believe that this thought spiral closely resembles the nature of a twenty-something millenial’s headspace. We don’t know exactly what we want where we’re headed. We haven’t answered life’s most daunting questions. But the reality I’m facing and learning to embrace whole-heartedly is that the game of life is rooted in relinquishing the need to arrive at some shiny, far-out destination. The magic is in the everyday, mundane process of growth. It is hard, perplexing, terrifying work to become the people we are meant to be. And if we’re being real, don’t we want messy life stories? I for one have never trusted people who tell their stories as if it was easy breezy beautiful at every milestone. Movies aren’t made about those stories (mostly because they aren’t stories at all) and those stories don’t make you any true friends.

It is a lonely life,

To try to get someone who doesn’t hear the music to hear it,

To be the Rosetta Stone for a language they don’t want to study,

To sing the lyrics as loud as you can to ears that aren’t listening.

You broke up with me when you decided that my desire to grow with you was an inconvenience

You

Broke up with me

When holding my hand became a chore

You broke up with me when a year passed before you gave me an unwarranted compliment

You broke up with me when my opinion no longer carried any weight

Just because

I was the first to say it’s over,

does not mean