Optima dies…prima fugit

Dear __________,

     You have dominated almost my every thought in the midst of sleepless nights, tedious drives, and deep conversations. Regardless of how absorbed I am in a task, how engaged I am with an individual, or how mesmerized I am in the face of a sublime scene, the most subtle reminders spark the memory of you. Instantaneously, you have the absolute power to throw my every thought out of its track and run them... even without actually being there. In that sense, I know what we shared was no figment of my imagination, it was something more powerful than what I ever had the courage to admit.  Truth is, I am unable to escape the parallel path we once shared no matter how hard I try to start a new one. Even more, I am left desperately wondering whether those parallel paths may of potentially merged if only I continued walking when the road was intersected with barriers. 

   As much as I want to make amends, your lack of understanding has been a primary factor in contributing to my decision to not take action. What puzzles me most is how you still so firmly believe that I took advantage of your emotions and your attention despite the absolute extent of my explanation. Bottom line is, the root of my issue originates from this inability to love myself. It affects me every day but even more, it profoundly effects every aspect of my relationships with others. It is not something I can control. I’ve pushed away people that I have grew to love, people who could have potentially contributed to so much of my life. I regret the loss of such friendships. If it makes you feel any better, the disintegration of so many of my friendships including yours due to the mere fact I lack the competence to usher confidence to take any relationship further haunts me every night. Despite what your argument is, it is much easier said than done. As much as I hate to degrade myself, I would much rather have you feel sorry for me than wrongly draw conclusions as to what my intentions are. If you think from the moment we met I devised a grand scheme to drag you to the pits of worthlessness, you are sorely mistaken. Instead, I’m fighting my very own battle- to rise above the dark abyss of self loathing. In the same way I have faith I will one day learn to love myself and turn others around me, I store the same hope that you will come to terms with the complexity of my actions.