What's 1800 miles away from home?
wc : 14k cross-posted : Ao3 Playlist
Masterlist (Firefighter! Paige x Nurse! Azzi)
Author's note : Hey guys! chapter 11's here!
Imma be honest with you I crashed out for real after i rewrote a 4k words part in the middle of the chapter, so pls don't come at me if there's more mistakes than usual :/
Paige had already lived through it, she knew it was.Â
But damn if someone had told her it would be even harder to come backâŚ
She had been feeling sick since leaving Azziâs apartment that morning. Her chest and her ribs had progressively caved in on themselves, squeezing her organs and constricting them inside her stomach. She had felt them getting trapped and unable to expand just the tiniest bit for the entire morning â throughout her drive to the airport, the waiting, her flight, and her arrival at Minneapolis Saint-Paul international airport.Â
It had been an awful sensation.Â
And the worst was that it had not even started then. She had already not slept all night long.Â
Azzi, seeing her anxiousness the day before, had tried everything to change her mind, putting her favorite show on, allowing them to eat take-out for the fourth time this week â even though she had said three was more than enough and that she needed more homemade meal, literally talking Paigeâs ears off for the entirety of their evening even though she had been very tired after her shift, and teasing her more than ever, wishing she would have got a snarky comeback or a smile.
But once the moment to go to bed had come, Paige had still been unable to let a smile out and ease out the frown between her eyebrows.
She had put on an alarm way too early for anyoneâs wellbeing, picked up her glasses to leave them on the side table, and had laid down on the bed stiffly. Azzi had followed suit pretty quickly, and had tucked herself against her side (yes, someone had come to fix the AC a week ago, so now she could do that again without fearing slow cooking throughout the night), not knowing what to do anymore to bring Paigeâs spirit up, beside hugging her silently.Â
Sheâd known Paige was excited to see her little brother, but outside of this, there was quite literally nothing that the blonde was expecting out of this four day trip.Â
And the way her body had been so tense all night long to that moment had told Azzi everything sheâd needed to know.Â
âYou sure you donât wanâme to go back to my placeâ she had then suddenly asked while the brunetteâs thumb was drawing smooth, soothing circles on her side. âOr I can sleep on the couch⌠I really donât wanna wake you up when I leave.â
Azzi, who had pulled her head back from her shoulder at this, looked at Paige with the same frown the blonde had been sporting all day long, before firmly stating.
âBaby, you better wake me up âcause youâre not leaving without saying âgoodbyeââ sheâd chided the blonde for even thinking about it. âPlus Iâm not gonna be able to see you for five whole days, so you better believe that Iâm going to be stuck to you until the very minute you leave tomorrow.â
That had probably been the first time of the day Paige let out a sound akin to a laugh.Â
But even after that, she had still not slept all night long, and Azzi snuggled against her, the soft weight of her arm on her stomach, and the light feeling of her breaths fawning on her neck hadnât changed anything too. She had kept her eyes open all night long; and by 5 am, she had even turned her alarm off before it could ring so it wouldnât disturb her girlfriend sooner than necessary.Â
Azzi had stayed true to her words, and had been glued to Paige all night long.
And the blonde had to too. She had woken Azzi up to kiss her goodbye before she left, whispering quietly that she would see her the day right after she came back, and that in the meantime she would try to call her every night before going to sleep.
The nurse had agreed to everything she said mindlessly, only caring in making her stay a little bit longer; gripping and tugging at her shirt for five long minutes while Paige had been leaning over her still half asleep body on the bed, and groggily pleading her to let her have one more hug or kiss so she would have enough to live through the next couple of days.
And after a longer than it should have been bargaining, when the paramedic had told her she really needed to go not to miss her plane, Azzi had ended up getting up to walk her to the door (using the pretext of her needing to lock the door behind Paige, when in reality she just wanted to steal one more hug and get one more small peck on her pouty rose lips).Â
That had been the last moment today she had felt kind of âokâ. Not sick. Not biting her nails, or having a bouncy leg. Not restlessly thinking about how she should greet people she used to be so close to but felt like strangers now.
At the moment, she was walking to the outside waiting area of the airport.Â
Where her dad would be waiting for her.
That was kind of nerve wracking.Â
She had taken the most time ever getting out of the plane, checking her passport at the guichet instead of the biometric machine because it would take more time; she had nearly wished she would have had a suitcase to retrieve so she could have lost a few more minutes waiting inside.Â
But now passing the customs, paper signs with last names, first names and small drawings, neutral black font, or delicate cursive were everywhere in sight. And Paige slowed her steps as she scanned the room nervously.Â
People were embracing each other everywhere, cheering for someoneâs arrival, or comeback, excitement to be reunited coursing through the place. She looked at families getting back together, at children coming home just like she was supposed to be. Even though she doubted they felt like she did in the moment.Â
Her eyes passed over the room for a good fifteen, twenty seconds, while she kept on walking with her backpack hanging on her shoulders. She was going to check her phone to see if she had a text from her dad, when her eyes landed on the familiar figure.Â
He was leaning above a metal barrier, his elbows planted on it as his regard was fixed on the ground, unmoving. He seemed pensive. And quiet. Really not attuned to the rest of the room.
Paige swallowed one last time over the knot in her throat before she turned toward him. Her feet not picking up the rhythm, and her knees feeling more unstable the closer she got.Â
When she arrived at a distance of twelve feet from him, his head lifted, attracted by the movement, and glancing up toward its source; his eyes met hers.Â
Paige didnât know how to act. Didnât know what to say. She felt like a stranger.
And he seemed to be in the same situation.
Yeah, it was really weird.
After the most awkward greeting of her life, Paige followed her dad to the car, and they drove home in what had mostly been silence. The only things he successfully told her was that she seemed tanner than before (which, duh, she was living in California now, it would have been concerning if she had stayed the exact same shade of white); the second thing had been that Drew had been excited for her to come home all week long. So much so they had had trouble sending him to bed for the last few nights.
And although she had not commented on the utilisation of the word âhomeâ â which had never felt wronger than then â she had gladly taken the opportunity to offer to go pick him up at school after his basketball practice later. That would give her an excuse to leave the house for at least an hour and to keep the promise she had made two weeks earlier.
Bob had said it was a good idea, and the conversation had stopped there.Â
They had arrived home a dozen minutes later, and after a quick embrace with Kim, who she had genuinely missed, Paige beelined to her own room. She tried to avoid looking around as much as possible, tried to ignore the uneasiness that had settled inside of her since she passed the front door, did everything to try to breathe as steadily as she could. But unsuccessfully.
This house was still the same one she had fled months ago.Â
Walking through the parking lot to the gym of Hopkins High School was the first nice moment of her day since she had landed in Minneapolis.Â
The memories of the place, of the people were nearly all good ones here. Ones that hadnât been soiled by the disaster that had been her post-college life until last April.
The sun was turning slightly golden now, transforming the bright green of the treesâ leaves to something more akin to a warm yellow, to something that oneâs eyes would always feel amazed at the sight of, and to colors that reminded Paige of those late afternoon runs from her locker to the gym with the other girls of her team.Â
Drew wasnât in this school yet, only beginning 5th grade at the moment, but he had been getting so good at the sport they both loved so much, the coaches of the school teams had wanted him to play with the older kids, which he had accepted, even though itâd meant he would spend more time on the bench than what he was used to.
Paige had never been prouder when he told her that approximately six months ago, finding it incredibly clever of him to see this opportunity as a challenge instead of a step back. Not any nine year old kid was able to think like this.
And if the world had got a little blurry when he told her he said yes because he wanted to do things just like she did, well it had certainly not been her eyes.
The sounds of basketballs hitting the ground and the bottom of the net, and the squeaking of sneakers on the polished floor got louder the closer she walked to the entrance. The awful smell of cheap detergent and sweat was making her nostril sting exactly like it did a long time ago. And walking to the open double door, it all felt like she was heading to her own practice, with her own teammates, and her own coach.Â
Nearly ten years apart and nothing had changed here.
And damn she had missed this place.
Inside, practice was wrapping up, most of the boys were collecting the material and storing it out as a few others were still shooting or driving to the basket.Â
Paige peeped Drewâs silhouette, a small lanky figure with a big tuft of hair on his head, dribbling the ball between his leg and behind his back effortlessly. He looked even more confident and skilled with it than the last time they practiced together. And that made her crack a smile at the thought; a slightly bitter one, knowing that she had missed so much, but the predominant feeling stayed pride.
She kept herself mostly hidden behind the frame of the door â not wanting to disturb â as the coach gathered them at the center of the court and closed off practice, sending his player to the locker room.
Her shoulder pushed into the outside wall, Paige was on her phone, tapping on her keyboard to send a quick update to Azzi, because she hadnât had the time to before. It was 5pm here, 3 in California, and Azzi didnât even know if she had arrived in on piece yet; Paige would certainly have to apologize for the lack of information later (on the other side, sue her but she knew her girlfriend was on shift and wouldnât see this for a while, sooo⌠did it really matter when she sent it?).
And once she sent it, she became so engrossed in watching her own lockscreen picture â yes, that one â she didnât hear steps getting closer to her. And she jumped a bit at being interpelleted.
âLook who it isâ the Paige Bueckers in the flesh,â a voice she wasnât expecting surprised her. âLong time not to see, man, how are ya doing?â
Mike greeted her, extending his hand in her direction to dap her up, which she took without hesitation, as she nodded at him.
âHey, coach,â she jokingly greeted back, making the young man huff and shake his head.Â
âDonât start,â he replied laughing.
They smiled at each other, and quickly started catching up while the kids slowly started to trail out of the building beside them. They caught up; Mike asked about California; she asked about the teams he was coaching and the sport foundation she knew heâd been working at. It felt good for once to just exchange without feeling any pressure, or having any apprehension. Especially around here.
They talked quietly until Drew walked out too. And at first, not aware of Paige's presence, he skipped past her, barely glancing their way to say âbyeâ to Mike, as he was zipping up his bag while heading to the parking lot in a hurry.
Paige laughed, that was very much still her little brother, that was for sure.
âBro, you serious?â she called after him, amused.
But even before she had uttered her first word â when the sound of her quick laugh resonated â Drewâs head had snapped back toward the two young adults, and as soon as his eyes landed on her and recognition having already hit him, he ran back toward her and crashed into her legs, his tiny arms encircling her midsection without even a word while she chuckled again, just as joyful to see him. Â
âHey, man,â she greeted him in the tight embrace as she passed her own arms around his shoulders and head. âHowâre you doing?â
He mumbled something incomprehensible against her shirt, making both her and Mike smile, and the latter took it as a cue to greet them goodbye and go back inside to lock everything behind the team.Â
Drew stayed stuck to her for another long moment, as if when heâd let go of her she would disappear. He clung to the black fabric of her shirt with his small hands, rumpling it. Paige didnât mind.Â
They didnât move for a long minute, and thinking about it, the big sister guessed it was probably the first time her little brother was this calm, this immobile.
For someone like him who was a constant bundle of energy, yeah it was weird; unusual.
He must have really missed her.
And damn she had really missed him too.
Later, after a quick very secret detour to get an ice cream (even though dinner time had already been close by), the whole family find itself at the kitchen table; the four of them eating together for the first time since mid April. Since her chaotic departure.Â
The light of the kitchen was on, illuminating the room from one side, and the soft rumble of the TV and its reflection took over the same space from the other side.
Everything had been ok up to then, Drew had been excitedly yapping about his day for the entire first half of the meal, definitively serving Paigeâs cause of wanting to dodge a maximum of questions making her go under the radar; as always, Kim had been listening to him attentively, while Bob had continuously told him to start eating before his food went cold. That was the most normal dynamic they had in a long time.
All in all, yeah, it was decent.
Until her phone buzzed, and Paige, by reflex, immediately took a look at it.
Azzi:Â Just getting out of the hospital now
Azzi:Â Can I call in a few?
The corner of Paige mouth lifted slightly when she read the texts. It was nothing much, but knowing that she was the first thing Azzi had thought of when her shift had ended, and seeing those two bubbles over the picture of her lockscreen (yeah, that picture), it made it impossible for her not to crack a shy smile.
She was typing a quick âfree in 40â, which she had deemed was the time she would need to finish eating and make Drew understand that leaving her twenty minutes alone in her room wasnât the end of the world, when her dad cleared his throat; loudly enough for her attention to snap up to him.Â
Their eyes caught, and with an admonishing nod toward her phone, he made it known she had to put it down.Â
And Paige did. She clicked on the send button, and shut the device off without a complaint. In the process, she also ignored the way her stomach had turned slightly when she noticed her dadâs eyes on her. There was no reason for her to be scared, she knew that. It wasnât like he couldâve seen her screen, or even know who she was texting. There was also no reason for her to be this dutiful in turning her phone upside down when she saw it light up two seconds later, because she had noticed he had still had his eyes on the object.Â
There was no reason, noneâŚ
But she still couldnât prevent her own body from screaming âdanger!â when both happened. It was like something inside her, something fragile had been let out outside, brought to the surface, and was now in a dangerous zone. Like this part of her, the one that was the most sensitive, was only safe in the state of California. As if the world here was a completely different one that couldnât be trusted with this.
Swallowing back that feeling, she kept on eating silently, until once again, her thoughts were interrupted by someone.Â
It was Kim though this time.
âHow are things going for you, Paige?â She asked sweetly, probably genuinely interested in the answer. She was the closest person to a second mom (just a mom really) for the blonde, and seeing how bad she had been at keeping contact with her for those last few months, Paige knew it was all in good intentions.Â
âEverything is good,â nodded the blonde around a big chunk of chicken. She was going to stop at this, but when she saw the expectant gaze of the black woman, she kept on going. âWe have a young team at the station, probably one of the youngest of the entire LAFD, but I think thatâs what makes us so good. We have a really good team cohesion since weâre all close friends.â
Kim smiled at her hearing this.
âThatâs good to hear,â she commented.Â
Then it was her dadâs turn to take part in the discussion, as if he had finally woken up.
âHow are KK and Ice doing?â
Paigeâs face relaxed and she smiled at him too. That was a chill question; plus she knew he liked those two a lot, so she had no reason to feel any kind of pressure from this one. Easy small talk, this she could do.
âTheyâre good. Probably fed up with me coming all the way across the country to annoy them in person, but yeah, theyâre doing good.â She joked making the three others huffed a laugh.
The tension in her back was nearly starting to ease up.
âAnd your other friends?â Bob questioned again. âYou said you made some new friends last time on the phone.â
It wasnât even that hard or pushy of a question, but she couldnât prevent herself from tensing up.Â
âWhat my other friends?â
Yeah, well done, Paige. Very inconspicuous.Â
Bob seemed taken aback by the sudden closed off attitude. He knew Paige wasnât dumb and that she had perfectly understood his question. All the more reasons for him to look confused when he asked again. Carefully more explicitly.Â
âWell, I was just wondering who they wereâŚâ he tried. âAnd if you wanted toâ I donât know, maybe tell us more about them.â
He sounded candid, frank with his questions. For the first time in a long time it was nearly like he was really trying to grasp at what her world had become; looking for information; taking one small piece at a time.Â
But Paige didnât know if it was real curiosity on his part, or if he had been mandated by her mom to summarize her actual life the next time she would call to complain, it was hard to tell since she had no clue if they stayed in regular contact since she left. Though, and above all, she didnât know because he sounded really genuine for once. Interested. Therefore it was hard to tell.
But on the other hand, she had also played this game way more often than one would think before, all through her college years. He had complied with her mother's demands way too often for Paige not to be doubtful.
And maybe, maybe she was a bit paranoid about him â them â learning about Azzi just yet. Maybe she was scared she would slip or that her own tone and expression would give him something she wasnât ready for her parents to know.
Trying to calm her own brain which had no freaking good reason to be all over the place like this, Paige rationalized and told herself she was overreacting. She definitely was. It was a simple question, with a simple, as vague as she wanted it to be, answer. Plus no answer at all would be way more suspicious.
âThereâs not much to say âbout themâ she shrugged putting on her nonchalant font. âThe girls from the station just had a bigger group of friends and I met them when going outâ. That was good, nicely done on this one, P. âTheyâre nurses at the hospital in our zone. And well, since me and Jana, thatâs the other paramedic I work with by the wayâ Well since we go there like nearly twice a shift on a regular basis, we just happened to run into them quite oftenâŚÂ thatâs it.â
Damn. If she had thought one day that she would be able to yap and not tell much at the same time; who would have thought. Maybe she had downgraded the place all the other girls took in her life, because listening to her, the two older adults were probably thinking she just got along nicely with some sort of colleagues, fellow healthcare workers.Â
Well good for her, that was exactly what she wanted them to think.
Her dad and Kim nodded, taking what they were given.Â
Dinner resumed with minimal talking.Â
And Paige sighed internally.
Paigeâs eyelids were closed; she was laying down on her bed, only the soft hum of the ceiling fan disturbing the otherwise quiet of the room. Well this, light noises from Bob and Kim in the living room and, of course, Azziâs chewing sounds and the retelling of her day.
ââLike can you believe that she threw me under the bus like that? I was just minding my own business, two minutes away from taking my break with Car, and she came over all innocent looking and everything, for me to help her with the old man with a defective colon.â Azzi explained, apparently still angry at Aubrey for the low blow.
âThis girl must have something against me,â she joked with a faux serious tone, making Paige let out an amused breath. âLast time she got me puked on by a toddler, now she makes me wipe shit with her⌠Iâm seriously gonna start thinking sheâs trying to make me quit.â
Paige smiled at the voice coming from the microphone of her phone, which was laid out on the mattress right next to her head. The discreet here and there sound of munching in between words made it all even more comic for her.
âYou know,â she started already on the brink of chuckling at the simple thought she was voicing out. âI find this really fascinating how unbothered you are. Youâre literally explaining to me, with way too much detail by the way, how you had to wipe the butt of an old man who had diarrhea, all of this eating God knows what weird food that is probably your only real meal of the dayâŚâ
She heard the other girl let out a small laugh around what sounded like a mouthful.
âYouâre focusing on the wrong things, baby. I'm telling you Aubrey has something against me and youâre asking me about my capacity to stomach food while telling you gross stuff. Make it make sense.â
âThatâs a perfectly valid question.â Retorted Paige, her voice getting higher. â If I had to wipe someoneâs butt, I wouldnât eat for the rest of the day⌠maybe even the rest of the week.â
And she thought she had a point there.
Sometimes Paige wondered if nurses or surgeons had special training for those types of situations. Like could you get used to it enough to start being immune to anything objectively considered disgusting by society? Or was it just a capacity some people were born with?
Maybe they were just aliens.
âAnd thatâs why youâre a paramedic, and not a nurse. No shade, but you wouldnât survive a day in the ER. I literally ate my sandwich in the block observatory room the other day while they were amputating someoneâs leg⌠So I donât think a little bit of excrement or anything else is ever going to make me less hungry or sick after that.â
Perfectly ignoring that first taunting part, the skin of the blondeâs forehead creased at the second one. That was not a story she had heard before. Even though she had literally spent her entire free time at Azziâs place for what had to be the last ten days.
âOk, bro, whatever⌠youâre a lost cause,â she shook her head, deflating in surrender.
Her girl was an alien; she would just have to get used to it.
âWhat are you eating, anyway?â The change of subject was a must right now, because they would still be talking about this tomorrow if they kept going, and Paigeâs stomach would definitely not like that.
âuhm, âyogurt bowl with cereal and some strawberries,â Azzi mumbled around her spoon.
âThatâs it?â inquired Paige, surprised.
âYeah, why?â the brunette asked, sensing the disbelief in her girlfriendâs tone.
âBro thatâs not a meal⌠Thatâs barely a snackâ she stated. âHowâre you gonna survive your last twelve hours if you donât even eat at home.â
She heard Azzi moved on the other side of the phone, relocating in what she was certain was her kitchen, the tap running and the washing machine being open. Those were all sounds Paige knew well by now, and could recognized easily.
âThatâs a very balanced meal, thank you,â Azzi replied petulantly. âI didnât feel like cooking so I just composed with what was left in the fridge.â
She could hear the disregarding shrug in her voice.Â
Yeah, no that wouldnât do.
âYou couldnât just order something?â she asked then, concern seeping in her voice.Â
âWe had pad thai already three times this weekâŚâ Azzi said.
âCouldâve order something elseâ replied the paramedic.
âPaigeâŚâ It was Azziâs turn to sigh now.
âYou had something else today at least?â asked the blonde concerned, already mentally counting her girlfriendâs meal(s) of the day and making the math of how big her calories deficit was.
Without them really knowing how, the discussion, the easy atmosphere that had followed Azziâs weird anecdote, had completely overturned to something way more serious. Something Paige really tried to help with when she could.Â
She knew she was definitely not perfect nutritionally wise, she skipped meals here and there, she had trouble cooking for herself and eating her greens, and don't even get her started on the more general taking care of herself subject; she was bad, like really bad at it.Â
But that didnât mean she couldnât see when someone else wasnât doing things right too. Especially when this someone was the girl she was quite literally obsessed with and wanted the best for every single second of her life.Â
So yes, maybe she was a bit of a hypocrite there, but right now it was not about her.
âIâm fine,â simply answered Azzi. âDonât worry about me, ok? Iâm eating brunch with the girls tomorrow anyway. So Iâll be fed for my shift.â
Paige pinched her lips, her hand passing through her hair in an anxious manner before she decided it was already something, and thus reluctantly let go of the topic with what was half a joke and half a serious offer.
âIâm cooking for you when I come back.â She announced very sure of herself. âIâll go do some grocery shopping in the early afternoon Monday and Iâll come over so itâll all be ready when you come back from your shift.â She was basically smiling at her own plan now, yes the one she made up on the spot right then. âSuit yourself, youâll be impressed by my skills.â
Azzi didnât laugh on the other side, but the way her voice got a bit higher and gently sarcastic, told Paige she was very much close to. Just restraining herself so she didnât hurt her ego too much.
âOh, I canât wait to see thisâ her smirk rang loudly through the microphone. âCanât wait to see Paige Ramsay in action.â She added teasingly.
âBet,â the blonde sealed the deal, grinning alone in her room.Â
They exchanged a bit more about their day, Paige telling her about her own and how, for now, everything was going as smoothly as it could. Drew was ecstatic to have her back; Kim was always the nicest; and even though she still felt the ever present tension in her neck when talking with her dad, it appeared like he was really trying to make her stay as uncomplicated as possible.Â
So all in all, coming out and communicating troubles aside, things were ok.
Azzi was getting ready to go to bed (yes, it was 7:30 for her but after the shift she just had, doing her nightly skin routine, reading an hour, and crashing down were probably the only things she would be able to do). And Paige, who had asked that they switch to facetime, was showing her some old stuff while packing boxes. It was their way to spend the late evening together, making normal things, and integrating the other in their routine; even 1800 miles apart.
It was soothing, comforting.
Until knocks against her door disturbed the peace of Paigeâs room, effectively cutting her in what she was telling her girlfriend.Â
âBruhâŚâ she muttered to herself while she turned to the origin of the sound, suspecting a little someone to be behind it. âDrew, I told you to give me just 20 minutes!â she shouted through the door. âIâll come to your room when Iâm done!â
And she thought he had understood. But then the door opened slowly, and instead of her little brother, her dad appeared
He carefully slipped in pushing the door behind him.
âHey,â he said lowly, looking at his daughter as she was sitting on the floor, her back leaning against the side of her bed and her knees folded against her chest while her phone rested against one of the legs of her desk. âCan we talk just for a sec? Before the menace is out of his bath?â
She had completely freezed, not expecting him to come to her like this. She thought up to now that they had made a tacit agreement about avoiding any possible uneasy conversation (for the better probably), so that was definitely unpredictable and very out of character for him to initiate like this.
Her eyes were completely stuck on his uncertain-looking face, trying to understand what it was about through the silence, not realizing that she was definitely making things more awkward, and uncomfortable for the both of them, until the noise of something falling against porcelain rattled through the line of the call, and made her head snap back to her screen.Â
Azzi had gone completely quiet too when she heard her dad speak which Paige was kinda grateful for, but apparently, and seeing her sheepish face, it didnât stop her from clumsily making her presence known.
âOops, sorryâ she muttered through the phone, bending down out of the camera view to pick up what she had dropped.Â
At the exact same moment, Bob leaned over, peeping at the screen which was fortunately only showing the white wall of Azziâs bathroom through the call.
And catching his obvious curiosity, Paige was quick to pick up the device, and angled it away from him as she spoke up, trying to seem the most casual she could.
âHey,â she caught Azziâs eyes as she was straightening up. ââhave to go, sorry⌠uhâ have a good night, bye.â
Damn, that sounded false even in her own ears. Never had her vocal cords been that badly tuned, nor every note of her voice sound wronger.
No overlasting longing stare. No âstay five more minutes?â with that desperate âpleaseâ or âIâll call you tomorrowâ. No âI miss youâ. Nothing. It was like all her affection for Azzi was drowning in the emptiness and facticity of her âbyeâ.
It was the barest goodbye she ever had with the other woman. And seeing the pang of hurt going through those deep brown eyes, she would definitely try to call her back, or at least send her a dozen apologetic texts later. Sheâd probably need it even more than Azzi would at this pointâŚ
âBye, see you soon,â muttered Azzi through the thin line of her lips and with a discreet wave of her hand, right before the blonde hung up.
Fuck herself, Paige was the worst.
Sheâd really need to grow a pair if she hoped to keep Azzi around, because that was not how she wanted to treat her girlfriend. And honestly, if she were Azzi, she wouldnât let this slide too.Â
âSorry, I didnât want to interrupt you,â Bob apologized. âI didnât know you were on the phone with someone.â It seemed like he was kind of feeling guilty too for disturbing her like that.Â
Now she was feeling bad for him too. What was it with everyone around her looking like that and making her feel like an asshole for hurting them?
So the blonde swallowed around the discomfort in her throat, putting her phone next to her absentmindedly as she lifted herself up on the edge of her mattress, before answering.Â
âItâs ok,â she reassured her dad. âWe were finishing up anywayâŚâ She lied.
He fully closed the door behind him before coming over and leaning back on her desk, effectively facing her, before he nodded at her phone with a small move of his chin.
âThat was a friend from the station?â
Paige tried not to frown too much at the question, feeling unsure.
âUhmâ yeah, no, she works at the hospital,â she stammered slightly.
Bob nodded once again, taking in the information. He looked kind of uncomfortable, taunted. Nothing really new, but it was comforting in a way. At least that made two of them.
âWhatâs her name?â He then asked, always having great timing to be noisy apparently.Â
And Paige didnât know if it was because she knew just how important of a place the nurse took in her life, or because she was really paranoid since she arrived here this morning (or really anytime her dad asked her any kind of question), but it didnât sound like a casual one, brought up in casual small talk. In her head, the response she would give him â if her larynx, vocal cords, tongue and lips were ok to work together â was at a lifealtering level of importance. It felt dangerous, a bit scary, and definitely something she would not lie about for her own peace of mind and the respect (and feelings) she had for her girlfriend.
So she held her breath a little when she answered.Â
And against everything she had anticipated, world ending didnât happen then. No, instead, her dad just perked up at this new information.
âOh, thatâs funny, like theââ
Paige cut him off, âyeah, the basketball player. Sheâs named her after her.â she explained, the own corner of her lips forming a small curl up. Paige really loved that fun fact. And it was like a switch turned on. She couldnât prevent herself from geeking, even the slightest bit at it. âHer parents played, and since they were both big fans⌠they named her after her.â
Her dad smiled too at her sudden talkativeness.Â
âWell, thatâs cool.â He noted. âDid she ever play?â
Slowly but surely, Paige completely forgot who she was talking to, and about whom, just really happy to be able to yap about her favorite curly-haired girl.
âShe did, âtil high school actually,â the blonde confirmed enthusiastically. âIn fact, she played in St-Johnes and in the AAU, I told her it was crazy we never played each other or just that we never met before at all, and Iâve been trying to make her tag along with KK, Ice and me a few times alreadyâŚâ
She let her own sentence trail off, and when she refocused onto her dadâs face, his eyes had lowered, they werenât on her anymore. She followed them to a spot right next to her on the sheets of her bed, and her eyes landed on the screen of her phone.Â
By a random notification.Â
With her lockscreen picture just behind.
Yes, still that one selfieâŚ
Her eyes snapped back up to meet his gaze once again. His face was blank of any emotion: no surprise, no anger, no nothing, except that tad, nearly imperceptible, barely there touch of disappointment. She didnât know if it was really disappointment, maybe it was simply surrendering, quiet compliance to something he felt like he had lost. She couldnât, in all honesty, tell the difference.
But that tightening line between his lips, and the way the muscles of his face seemed to fall in deception, shattered something inside of her chest.Â
So she did the only thing she could think of at the moment.Â
âUhâ anyway,â she muttered while putting the device face down. âYou wanted to talk about something?â
Bob seemed brought back to the moment too, and not adding anything on what had just happened, he shook his head in confirmation.Â
âYes, uhmâ two things actuallyâŚâ
He began by asking her if her mom had called her recently. To Paigeâs surprise, he didnât ask if she had called or reached out to her mom like he usually did. And hearing this new formulation, she quickly got suspicious he knew something.Â
So she told him the truth.Â
That her mom hadnât called yet, but that she had texted her a few weeks ago, and that now they punctually caught up with each other once a week or every ten days.Â
He nodded along, like hearing this was genuinely important to him. And when Paige asked him why he was curious about it (even though it was a recurrent topic of conversation they had), he informed her that not long after one of their call â the one where she really got tired of him always telling her to call the other woman and that ended up with her not so gently stating that âphones worked both way and that if her mom wanted to reach out she could instead of always trying to sneak behind her back and get things out of himâ â Amy called him again, that he passed her the message (certainly in different words than hers though) and that ever since, he had had no update. Â
Paige was stunned to hear this.Â
Her dad, Bob Bueckers, had finally stopped complying to anything her mother asked him. He stopped letting her walk all over him for once, and kind of â very implicitly â stood up for his daughter against the otherâs crap.Â
But above all, it also clarified to her why the other woman had strangely come back into her life after months and months of silence.Â
That, she still didnât know if she should be happy about, though. That was definitely something that had to be decided yet.
But before they had the time to address the second topic he wanted to discuss, the bathroom door slammed open, and Drew quite literally barged into the room and jumped on her bed, effectively interrupting them.Â
At this and the excitement that was exuding out of the boy at the idea of being exceptionally allowed to play a few video games before going to bed, Bob smiled softly and simply wished them good night, reminding Paige to guide him back to his room at 10 pm so he wouldnât go to bed too late on a week night.
And right after that, he closed the door behind him, putting an end to their unfinished conversation as Paige stayed feeling confused and having some seriously ambivalent emotion about the last ten minutes of her life.
Laid down on her bed, her hands linked on her stomach, Azzi was thinking.
Well thinking was a bit too light of a word for what was happening in her head.
She was ruminating. Deep in her own head.
She had been for the past hour, since Paige had abruptly hung up on her. And she probably would be for another two, quite unable to put her own brain to rest with everything that was going on in there.
It hadnât been for a lack of trying, though.Â
Her book had been open on her bed when she came back from the bathroom, and she had nearly instantly picked it up, hoping that it would help make the weird sensation clogging her throat go away. This one and the tightness in her chest that had settled in there for the first time two weeks ago, and which had fired back to life when she had seen Paigeâs face decompose at the moment sheâd dropped that small bottle of hydrating cream.Â
So she had tried, but reading had been impossible after that.
The young woman had been utterly unable to do anything else than seeing, reliving, the moment in a loop. Again and again.Â
Yes, itâd hurt to have the blonde disappear so quickly. But for Azzi the worst was still to imagine her being that scared of whatever reaction her dad, her parents, could have if they knew about them.Â
Like⌠didnât they know Paige was into girls? Hadnât she already come out to them?
Was it that hard to just tell them, for the blonde?
Or was coming out that different to actively dating someone?
Azzi had honestly no clue.
She was completely incapable of putting herself in Paigeâs skin because it was inconceivable for her to imagine her own dad doing anything else than geeking out at the idea of having another basketball player in their family. It was utterly unrealistic for her to imagine her mother not talking to her for months because she told her she was attracted to women.
And yet, it was Paigeâs reality.
So yes, Azzi had been bummed out at their call ending so quickly and with so little ceremony. Her face had most certainly been a good enough intel if one was watching her at that moment. But â and above all â she had also been deeply hurting for Paige, and the freedom she was seemingly profoundly lacking. And that was probably the most predominant feeling that stayed with her.
It also made her ponder on other tiny details of their relationship she hadnât given that much attention to before. Some little things that she saw Paige do, or reactions she had sometimes; unimportant ones.
Like Paigeâs shyness at being openly physically affectionate with her when they were not alone.
At first, Azzi had not paid it any mind.
When it happened once, twice, three times.
But with time, and when they kept happening, she started noticing. How when they were out in public, Paige would rarely more than hold her hand, or gently brush her lower back. How she would cast a quick glance around every damn time, before sheâd press a kiss anywhere on Azziâs face. How even with their friends, she looked hesitant to just leave an arm around her shoulders for too long or to have the brunette nestle against her chest.
Those last two had been becoming too recurrent during the past weeks for her not to notice.
And if she had put it under the label of shyness â a simple trait of character â at the beginning, now she was seriously questioning herself on the subject.Â
Did Paige feel uncomfortable to do so?
Did she not feel safe to do those kinds of gestures around others?
Was all of this due to timidity or something more complicated like some sort of barriers ever present in her head that were the result of things she had heard and unconsciously normalized for too long in her life?
Again, Azzi had no idea yet.
A profound sigh escaped her lips as she turned around for the thirtieth time in less than a dozen minutes. Laying on her side to look at the additional pillow that had appeared on her bed approximately a month ago.
She didnât know what to do; she had been completely lost those last two weeks.Â
She wanted to help Paige figure things out, to see her thrive and be confident everywhere and not just between four walls when it was just the two of them. She wished she could do something for the blonde, even something small, just to lighten the mass on her shoulders.Â
But fuck, why did everything seem so complicated?Â
The rest of her four days in Minnesota passed pretty quickly; so quickly that when Sunday afternoon and the moment to sort all her boxes out came, Paige felt lost at what she wanted to keep and what she didnât mind being thrown away.Â
She was pondering, her eyes scanning each box for the last ten minutes, because she knew that she couldnât realistically take everything back with her, but she also could prevent her heart from pinching at the idea of completely parting from what had been her entire life until now. And the knowledge that this same room would be cleared out in the family near moveout didnât help at all.
She was still trying to decide what she didnât need or want, when her dad came into the room.Â
âYouâre good in here?â he asked, pushing the door open.
âHumhum,â she hummed pensively as she went through the same box for the third time.
They hadnât really talked since the first night. The conversation they had begun was never finished, and the only moment they kind of spoke to each other one on one during the three days span of time, quite frankly, didnât go as well as the first time.
Paige had been optimistic about their situation after that first discussion. Her dad had seemed way more attentive to what she said, and putting aside the fact that she was nearly certain he knew Azzi wasnât just a friend like she had tried to make him believe, itâd appeared like he was trying. He even made sure to keep Drew busy when she told him she needed twenty minutes alone in her room the following days.
All in all, it was progress and growth for them.
And Paige had felt hopeful about it.
Maybe, maybe, after all these years things were going to change, to evolve.
But as always, all of this went through the window when he questioned her on why she hadnât made the best of her visit here to also see her mom.
It had been the night before, just after dinner. Paige had been helping with the cleaning of the kitchen, while Kim was taking care of Drew upstairs, and her dad had brought up the subject.Â
And even though the blonde had tried to keep things from escalating⌠well they did.
He spent the entire âconversationâ â argument â reminding her it was her mom they were talking about, and that she could have had the decency to go see her at least once during those days, even just for an hour; and Paige spent every small instant he would let her to respond telling him she didnât want to, that they were on speaking terms but that she didnât want to see her just yet.
She thought sheâd made it clear why (even without telling him she was still scared as fuck of seeing her in person and of what she would tell her after everythingâŚ).
But he had not understood.
So they had just rant on.
The volume increasing with every word, and what they said taking less and less time to go through their head and come out of their mouth.
All of this without ever addressing the main issue of why Paige didnât want the confrontation.Â
Things had only stopped when Kim came back down and interposed herself verbally. Telling them sternly that one could hear them from the opposite end of the house and that they better tone it down before Drew came back.Â
After that, Paige had eclipsed herself from the kitchen and the living room, purposefully fleeing any kind of interaction with her dad and that had been it.
They hadnât talked again until now.
Paige turned slightly toward him. She didnât know if it was just a thing he did, or something all the parents had in common, but it seemed like their last conversation never happened. Like they hadnât been nearly screaming at each other less than 24 hours ago. No grudge in his tone, just⌠casualty.
How could he be so unbothered when things were still simmering inside her, like the lightest increase of heat would make it all boil and break out once again. Either he was playing dumb, or it was really that insignificant for him.
And either way, it was not for Paige.
But she still tried to contain herself.
ââJust trying to decide what to keepâ she muttered between her teeth, her hands on her hips.Â
Bob frowned in her peripheral vision.Â
âYouâre throwing things away?â he asked surprised.
Paige kept on not looking at him though, and she uncaringly threw some stuff on the floor. She needed to be at the airport in only a few hours, and she was still not going anywhere.
âWell, I kinda have to,â she answered matter-of-factly with an edge in her voice. âSince I wonât be able to take everything with me and yâall are leaving⌠I donât want you to have to do itâŚâ
As she pushed another box toward the only three she was sure she wanted to keep yet â and that were just her clothes â Bob crossed his arms, looking between amused, perplexed and incredulous (which honestly annoyed her even more). He stayed silent for a second, observing her making a mess of her stuff, dispatching it all over the place. And Paige wasnât far from throwing him out of the room when he spoke up again.
âYou know thereâs a room for you in the new house, right?â
Paigeâs head snapped up. This had effectively stopped her in her tracks. She and her very on the brink of cracking brain. That acted like a complete restart.
Bob scratched his neck. He didnât seem to know how to interpret his daughterâs incredulity, so he just explained what he thought was evident (but apparently wasnât).
âYeah, we have three bedrooms. We wanted you to be able to still come back whenever you wanted and to have your own spaceâ but if you donât want toâŚâ he marked a pause not knowing how to continue. âWe can always make it a guest room, I guessâŚâ
She didnât even know why she was so surprised. It was something lots of families did. Keep a room even for your grown kids that had left the family house.Â
But, nonetheless, it was touching for Paige to know they still wanted to be around; that they still wanted to live in a house where a part of it had a little bit of her presence left.
âNoâ I mean yes,â she stuttered. âIâd love to have a room too.â
Her dadâs face lightened up at her answer. He nodded to himself, taking another quick look around the room, and at all of his daughterâs belongings she had accumulated around the years. Some were peeking out of boxes, others were literally laying on the floor after having one having been emptied out. A small grin was etched on his lips as he caught the championship net in the midst of everything.
The room stayed lacking of any words though, and Paige couldnât help but feel observed, even when his eyes werenât on her.
She kept her hands in the pockets of her training pants, rocking from her heels to her toes as she stared at him. He didnât move. But he didnât speak up either. And after an eternity (that was probably not more than twenty seconds) she cleared her throat, noticeably enough for it to be an explicit message.
âYeahâ sorry,â he stammered, backing up toward the door once again. âIâll let you finish⌠Just leave everything you want in the room, weâll bring it with us when we moveâŚâ
âOkâŚâ Paige shook her head in understanding, âthanksâ
And with that he closed the door behind him once again, leaving Paige utterly lost on what was going on, why she was so incapable of knowing if it was really worth it to try to rebuild her relationship with him, and how the heck she was supposed to do that if it really was.
Her brain wasnât following anymore, the situation and the feeling coming out of it were way too ambivalent for her to be able to make any kind of valid analysis of them. She was just completely directionless.
How was it possible for one person to give off so many mixed signals?
Coming back from Minnesota actually felt good.Â
The trip hadnât been that bad (a few exceptions made), but Paige was actually excited to come back; and to see Azzi.Â
Because damn, how were four days that long?
She left Thursday morning (saw Azzi in the morning, and on facetime the same evening), called the young nurse every night and Sunday afternoon when she was at the airport, and even though it hadnât been the most extended minutes ever, they had managed at least a quick 5-10 minutes call each time.Â
But fuck it didnât do justice to Azziâs actual presence and Paige would be lying if she said she hadnât been this close â like not even an atom of oxygen between oneâs fingers close â to go directely to her place when she landed at 11pm the night before.Â
She hadnât had any baggage with her, seeing all her stuff would be arriving in a few days â two weeks at most â and that her only bag was the one she had taken with her from the start. So when she had entered her car, sheâd nearly automatically put Azziâs address in the GPS. Not even as a reflex, but rather a need right then.
But of course, she had back tracked.Â
Her own reasoning had stopped her from doing so. It was late, she was close to an hour away from her place (even if she drove fast), Azzi was probably asleep by now, and she had a twelve hour shift starting at 5 the next morning.Â
So even though sheâd really, really, really wanted to go there immediately, Paigeâs accepted her dramatic fate and the fact that she would be restless all night, longing for a hug from her girlfriend, and sheâd put her own address instead.Â
She went home, sleeping (badly), and woke up to a quick good morning text from her favorite brunette, saying she couldnât wait to see her later. And like the simplest simp ever, Paige started her day with the biggest smile and kept it on her way to KKâs and all through her morning.Â
It was nearly 6 pm when Paige started wondering if something was going on.Â
Her morning had ended with a quick lunch with the girls from the station, everyone taking advantage of their small â close to a regular work week-long â break from their job. It had been nice and chill, and all of them had enjoyed the moment to catch up without any alarm ringing and interrupting the conversations.Â
After that, she had been on her way to get a few things at her place for the evening (which amongst other things, included a second shirt so she wouldnât be stealing one from Azzi the next morning), and then she had gone to the grocery store.Â
Paige wasnât kidding when sheâd told Azzi she would make her dinner the other day. She took her time at the airport and in her bed the night before to look up a few recipes, trying to find something doable for her but that would still impress her girl.Â
She wanted Azzi to feel spoiled, to feel how much she had (maybe excessively) missed her and how down bad she was for her actually; she wanted to cook something that would make all of it clear as day that Paige wasnât playing with her when she told her she could and would whine and dine her at home; she wanted to make her feel like a real life princess.
Thus, she had spent a great amount of time looking between cooking sites and tiktok, always pondering on if there was enough instruction for it to be impossible to fuck up or if it would tastely-wise suit the both of them, and after a good two hours of searching (she wasnât even exaggerating), she had found the recipe.
Some Japanese sesame salmon with spicy rice and way too many different toppings.Â
It could be eaten warm or cold, it was pretty easy, and Azzi would even be able to eat it with cottage cheese instead of Greek yogurt if she wanted to â Paige would do neither personally, but not her plate, not her business.
So, ecstatically, she bought everything she needed and drove to Azziâs, entering the building with a pep in her steps, typing the digital code she knew very well by now, and taking the spare key that Azzi had left under the welcome rug that morning to slip inside the apartment, excited to be back there.Â
And now, after hours of cooking (and deep-cleaning the mess behind herself, because honestly Azzi would have had a heart attack if she saw the state of her own kitchen), it was around the time the nurse was supposed to come home.
Supposed to, being the key words here.
Because Paige had no idea on where she was and what she was doing.
She should have been out for an hour now, though Paige hadnât got a text or anything the nurse would usually send to inform her of her departure from the hospital. And if for the first 30-45 minutes she didnât get worried, knowing that overtime hours were quick to happen in their line of work, the lack of a single update was not helping her jittery legs.
Plus now that she had finished cooking she had quite literally nothing else to distract herself from Azziâs blatantly missing presence and the cluelessness she was in was not helping with her nerves â that and the micro trauma the nurseâs accident had left her with.Â
She wasnât exactly worried yet, she was just really impatient to see her and had the tiniest bit of a bad feeling in her gut, but beside that, she was mostly fine. Things like this happened all the time.
At 6:30, she was definitely getting restless, she had put the food in the fridge, hoping that Azzi wouldnât mind it being cold, and after sending her three nearly successive texts to see if she was on her way and having been walking all over the space for the last 30 minutes, she had decided that she would wait outside, on the balcony. It wasnât giving out on the parking lot or the entrance of the building but maybe sheâd still hear her arriving from there. That's what she told herself at least.
At 7pm, Paige had texted Caroline, Kaitlyn, and Sarah, but when she got no answer after 20 more minutes, she was forced to remember by herself that Azzi had complained about them all having a different schedule for their shifts that week; all of them were still working at the moment. At this point she didnât know what to do anymore, and not having a single answer, even just a simple green dot next to her profile picture on whatsapp â the one that would tell her she was online â or anything else, was really, really starting to stress her.Â
Maybe it was excessive of her; maybe Azzi had just been swept up into an emergency before she could leave her badge in her locker. MaybeâŚ
But that didnât help with the pit digging in her stomach as the minutes passed.
Because right now Paige was not only worriedâŚ
She was starting to get scared too.
At 7:45, it was officially 2 and a half hour passed the time Azzi should have realistically been out and Paige just found herself sitting down on the couch, her hand passing again and again in her hair, making a mess of her ponytail before she would undoubtingly end up redoing it, again and again.Â
Her phone was laying face up on her leg â the one that wasnât trying to jackhammer into the floor, sound and vibration turned up for every notification. The nail of her thumb was bitten raw and there definitely were missing pieces of skin and bloody spots around it, by now. And her heart was missing beats here and there, each time she thought about an even worse reason or scenario that would explain the young woman's lateness. Honestly, if she wasnât so worried about missing Azzi coming back, she would already be on her way to the hospital.
Every 60 seconds were taking forever to elapse. But paradoxically, without her realizing it, she had been waiting for nearly three hours now. She had not a single piece of nail to bite on left, the sting of the missing layers of skin was making itself known, and her scalp was sensitive after all the tugging she had been doing.Â
Azzi had definitively never taken that long to come back from a shiftâŚ
It was 8:52, when Paige heard the key being put in the lock. The door was already unlocked so it didnât even take a second for it to open on the hallway, and the blondeâs head violently swerved to look behind her.Â
Azziâs figure appeared in the frame; she was still in scrubs, her head was down directed toward the floor but she didnât even seem to look as she threw her bag next to the entry way and discarded her shoes.Â
Paige jumped on her feet, her entire being relaxing in an instant when she saw her. She had a hundred words on her tongue, ready to tumble out, but before saying anything, her feet took the first step on their own to go to Azzi, the need to hug her bigger than anything else â especially after what her brain had been progressively put through the last three hours.Â
But, before she could even take her second step, Azzi completely ignored her: she beelined to her bedroom not even looking at the blonde, barely pushed the door behind her, and then without Paige understanding anything at what was going on, the sound of the lock of the bathroom being closed from inside blared in the apartment.
What the heck just happened?Â
What the heck was going on?
Paige was frozen in place, standing in the middle of the living room, her eyes confusedly looking at what she could see of the bedroom and her mouth stuck barely open over the greeting she wanted to address to the brunette that never made its way out.
She didnât understand a single instant of what was going on.Â
One second she had been relieved to finally see the nurse, excited that she was back and that she would be able to tell her how her long week-end ended up not being as bad as sheâd expected while they ate. And the next, she felt that hard thud of her heart and the stingy feeling of being so blatantly passed by, and ignored.Â
Now she was worried for other reasons than before⌠and honestly a bit hurt too.
Gathering herself together after a long moment of silence and stillness, she steadily walked to the room Azzi had locked herself in, looking for answers. That was so fucking uncharacteristic of the nurse to act like that; she had to have an explanation.
When Paige entered the bedroom, she immediately turned to her right, and passed Azziâs side of the bed to make her way across the room. It wasnât until she was a foot away from the white wood plank, fist in the air and knuckles ready to hit the plane surface that she heard it.Â
There was no sound on the other side. No opened showerhead raining water on the ceramic; not a clue of clothes being discarded on the floor; nothing. Perfect stillness.
Except, those heavy, wet, and shallow breathings.
And the time to time sniffles interrupting them.
The small simmering offense that had built inside Paige moments ago, completely died down on the spot. Her body once again froze and she nearly stopped breathing to be sure of what she had just heard. And she heard them again. Wobbling exhales.
She barely hesitated then, and knocked on the door.
âHey, AzâŚâ she murmured. âYouâre ok in here?â
What a freaking stupid question to ask someone whoâs crying really, she thought afterward, immediately regretting her own words though incapable of thinking of any better alternative. She was an idiot.
Azziâs breath stuttered, and Paige swore she heard the sound of ruffling fabric, like she had moved.Â
It sounded like she tried to rein herself in, taking back control of her own body, before she spoke up. Her voice, so quiet and clearly unsteady, barely came through the door.Â
âIâm sorryâŚâ the end of her sentence seemed bubbly, coated in tears, as if water was rising up in her throat.
There was another deep inhalation before she continued.
âIâ I just⌠I just need a moment please. Alone.â
It stung but Paige could definitely understand that. Try to at least.Â
âOf course,â she agreed promptly, her forehead now touching the door. âCan I stay here? Or youâd like me to go back to my place?â She asked though, fearing a bit for the answer.
âNo⌠no you can stayâ please stayâ stammered the nurse. âIâ just give me a moment.â
Paige exhaled in relief, and nodded even though Azzi wouldnât see it.
ââCourse, take your time, babyâ
After that, Paige went back to the living room, she retrieved her phone and headed back once again toward the other room. She hesitated for a second, not wanting Azzi to feel pressured at hearing her, or thinking that she was listening to her falling apart in the bathroom.Â
Pondering on it, and then going against every single one of her instincts, she backtracked. She pushed the bedroom door close and walked back to the couch.
It took the brunette another 15 minutes to start moving, and for Paige to hear the shower running. And 20 more for it to finally stop. When it did, Paige decided it was ok for her to come back in, so she went to sit down on Azziâs side of the bed, facing the other room, and dutifully waiting for her girlfriend to finish.
And 5 minutes later, when the door clicked open, Paige's eyes snapped up.
Azzi stepped out slowly. Her demeanor made her look extremely small, shrinked out, in her way to big shirt â the one she had stolen from the blonde a few weeks ago and had now decreed as her new favorite pjâs â and as Paigeâs gaze walked up her frame, it quickly found itself observing those deep brown eyes, glassy and drowning in redness and swollen eyelids. Salty strokes were drawn on her cheeks too, indicating the path tears had glided down on prior to this moment.
Paige immediately stood up when she noticed them.
And with Azzi slowly walking to her, she opened her arms and pulled her in.
Azzi sagged against her, the overwhelmingness of everything slowly going away as her chin came to rest on Paigeâs muscly shoulder and her arms tightened around her midsection; her hands instantly grasping at the blondeâs side.Â
And Paige did the same, squeezing her when passing her own limbs around her upper back, and pressing their front closer before she let one of her hands caress her back while the other passed through her curly hair softly.
A sight made its way out of the brunetteâs lips as she buried her nose in the blonde's shirt then, trying to breath her in with nostrils that hadnât completely forgotten about the 20 minutes she just passed crying on the bathroom floor.
âI missed youâŚâ she whispered, her broken voice muffled by the fabric. âAnd Iâm sorry⌠I didnât mean toâ to ignore you like that.â
Paige contracted her arms even more around her back.
âItâs ok baby,â she reassured her, pressing a kiss on her hair.
âItâs not.â Azzi vehemently countered. âItâs really notâŚâ
Paige didnât contradict her (even though she wanted to), pretty sure that Azzi knew she had been kind of hurt at the treatment she got earlier, opting for a change of subject instead.
âYou wanna eat something? I put the food in the fridge.â
Azzi shook her head no and muttered a barely intelligible ââm not hungry, sorryâŚâ, and even though she wasnât really happy about her skipping a meal again, Paige accepted that it was an exceptional case, and that forcing her to eat would solve quite literally nothing.
âOk⌠you wanna go lie down?â was what she asked, alternatively.
So they moved to the bed. Paige led her to sit down on her side of the mattress as she herself rounded the bed. She settled on it, her front facing Azzi as the brunette crawled into her embrace once again, snuggling into her chest this time. Willingly preventing herself from moving, less going anywhere else.
The room stayed silent for a long moment. Their breathing running at similar rhythms and the light ruffle of the comforter moving with Paigeâs hand movement on Azziâs back were the only sounds in there.Â
They lasted like that for an unknowingly long time, until Paigeâs curiosity, and concern, took advantage of her and made her tongue run on its own.
The tension that appeared in the brunetteâs back at those words was unmissable. And the blonde immediately regretted bringing that up when she seemed to have finally successfully calmed down.Â
So Paige backtracked a bit.
â If you want to tell me, of courseââ
But without taking the offered escape, Azzi ripped the bandage off.
âElizabeth passed awayâ
That was not what Paige had been expecting. At all.
Someone dying: maybe. Azzi was sensitive and way too empathic for her own good, but she had never reached a similar state. So yeah, someoneâs death had been in her head since she planted her butt on the bed a few minutes prior.
That was definitely unexpected.
Azzi had been so geeked out when telling her on the phone the other day that the older woman would be out this week. That she would finally be able to go home and see her family. That had implicitly meant, for the blonde, that the older womanâs health was good. That she was out of trouble. At least for the time her age would let her be.
Plus she would be lying if she said the news didnât hurt her too.Â
She hadnât been as close to Elizabeth than Azzi was, obviously, but seeing her a few times at the hospital and hearing her girlfriend talk about her like she did so often⌠that plus the oh so warm welcome she had been greeted with the first time she had seen her? Yeah, those were the kind of news that hurt in a deep way. Well anchored inside oneâs chest.
âWhat happened,â Paige felt like a parrot at this point. She was unable to ask anything else, a parrot, a broken record.
She felt Azzi move against her torso, a hand lifting up to swipe at her running nose amidst quiet resurging sniffles.
âUndetected ruptured aneurysm⌠her file said it was probably due to the effort she did during her last PT sessionâ
Sudden and unexpected causes were always the fucking worse. No one could see it, even less prepare themself for it (if that was even possible at all).
But something else caught her attention too.
âYou read her death report?â
âThatâs how I learned âbout itâŚâ Azzi nodded, explaining between renewed and discreet hiccups. âIâ I wanted to go see her just for a few minutes after my shift⌠Soâ I went to her roomâ but she wasnât there⌠and the room was all cleaned up and emptyâŚâ
She was desperately trying to brush off the salty streams of water, leaking from her eyes. But at the aggressiveness with which she rubbed at her own skin â like she was annoyed at it being wet â Paige gently took her wrist in her hands to stop her from doing so. She pushed two light kisses into the skin of her palms, before cupping her face with and whipping the tears herself, much more softly.
Her pinky lips pressed one more time on a caramel cheek as she muttered a small âandâ, against the still slightly humid skin. Encouraging her to keep going.
âWellâ I found this weird since I knew she was not supposed to be let out âtil a few days yet⌠so I looked aroundâ but since the nurse station was emptyâ well I just decided to check her file by myselfâŚâ on that last part her voice cracked even more, it was already wobbly before but now that was like she had eaten gravel and was trying to talk over them. âI thought, âmaybe she had an issue with it and they switched her roomâ⌠so I logged in and searched her nameâ Andâ Thatâs when I saw she was⌠with the deceased patient.â
Fuck that was rough, Paige thought as she tightened her arms infinitely more.
Learning someoneâs death was already so fucking hard⌠But learning it from a freaking hospital report was probably even worse. The harsh words, the neutral tone and directness⌠that was something made for the hospital staff to read, not someone who cared for said late patient.
Paige didnât even know what to say.Â
Everything that could come out of her mouth seemed so fucking useless and shallow. Nothing could integrate and retranscript the pain of losing someone. She felt useless at that moment.
She felt useless because she didnât realize that being where she was, embracing her girlfriend, comforting her with her presence and no âshallow wordsâ was probably everything Azzi had needed. Even though she hadnât known it prior to this instant.Â
Paige felt useless, but in the end, her listening to Azzi cry without an ounce of judgement, holding her, rubbing her back with her warm hand and kissing her after each sob that escaped her mouth⌠All those things were surely the best way Azzi had had to cope with such an event in a long time.
The best, and most soothing and appeasing way.
So yeah, maybe Paige felt useless. Maybe she didnât know what she was doing. Maybe that was not how they had both envisioned their night ending.Â
But those were things one had no power on.
And for the stuff that really mattered⌠Paige had been there; and Azzi had felt it.
The next morning, when Azzi woke up with the worst headache, a stuffy nose, and the impression that she would not be able to ever open her eyes again due to their puffiness, the first thing she noticed was the lack of a warm and steady presence in the bed next to her.Â
And focusing on the space around her, even with her eyes still firmly shut, she could tell the room and her entire apartment were empty. Because if Paige ever dared get up without waking her up, they had a rule, she had to come back in bed when sheâd done what she needed to; that it was preparing breakfast or simply going to the bathroom, when she had finished she had to come back in bed and wait for Azzi to wake up too (or to wake her up herself).Â
So the lack of movement and noise around her told her her girlfriend had left.Â
And if Azziâd thought her chest couldnât compress on itself even more after last night, well she was experiencing it right now, so she had definitively been wrong.
She cracked an eye open already on edge, slowly taking in her surroundings with reluctance, as she sat up.
The blinds were completely shut, plunging the room in darkness (even though Azzi could swear they had let them open the night before), and as she turned her head toward her sidetable, looking for her phone and maybe finding a quick text from Paige â just a tiny something that would make her feel better and slightly less mad at the blonde for leaving without saying goodbye â her gaze caught on something else; a small piece of paper, taped to the screen of her phone.Â
Curiously, she took it and brought it closer to her blurry eyes, and on it she found both something expected and unexpected.Â
Paige's quick and messy handwriting said: âSorry, I didnât wake you up. I really didnât want to after last night. But consider this as your morning kisses and hugs pleaseâ it was followed by three drawn beating hearts, and the cuteness of it all nearly convinced Azzi to stop being mad.
She took her phone, after carefully folding the paper, and the next thing she noticed was how it was on airplane mode.Â
Azzi never put her phone in that mode. Paige certainly had something to do with that too.
For the next dozen minutes, Azzi got up and started her routine, trying not to mope in her bed all day long, even with it being off.Â
And she was very grateful she decided to.
Because at each new step of her routine, there was another piece of paper waiting for her, taped to a surface, or simply laid there.Â
In her bathroom, right in front of the toilets was a quick funny one: âApparently relieving your bladder when you wake up is very important to avoid any type of infection⌠at least thatâs what a nurse told me one dayâ was accompanied by a winking drawn emoji.Â
Then stuck to her mirror: âprettiest girl in the world right in front of you btwâ
Azzi chuckled at this one.Â
And lastly, on the counter, next to the sink, was Paigeâs shirt from the night before. It was neatly folded, and the piece of paper on it simply said âfor the beautiful clothes thiefâ.Â
Azziâs lower lips jutted out when she took it in her hands and switched it up with the one she had been wearing until then.Â
Seeing those â and as what Paige had done was starting to down on her â Azzi went around her apartment looking for more.
On her kitchen island, she found not one, not two, but three pieces.Â
The other: *a very long tight hug*
And the last one in the middle of the previous ones: âthose are for you in case you need one of those today, Iâd do it myself if I could but, well⌠kinda canât. So youâll have to do with them until tomorrow morning, sorryâ
She walked around the living room, finding more *kisses* and *hugs* all around. Which all made a smile grow, and stick to her face. And when she came back to look at the fridge, she found another one taped to it. âFood is in there, and maybe you wonât believe me ââtil you try itâ, but itâs actually pretty decent⌠I spent the afternoon yesterday taking small bites while cooking and honestly⌠couldnât believe I did thatâ
Azzi huffed at this, the lightness in Paigeâs tone making her feel a bit less guilty about ruining their night; lifting a part of the weight pressing down on her chest.
She found a few more, until she landed on what had to be the last one.Â
On the commode next to her door was the rest of the sheet all the small pieces had been apparently torn off from. It was left in a seemingly hurry, the writing even messier and more unreadable than the others, but what was on it explained its state.
âSorry, I'm kinda late, I wanted to put more, but genoâll kill me if I arrive after 8. If you need to talk about anything just call me. And if I can't respond right away just text me. Iâll call you back asap, I promise. Try to have a good day Azâ
And even in her obvious lateness, Paige had taken the time to draw a dozen more hearts all around the sheet.Â
This day wouldnât be the best she ever had, that seemed pretty clear. But the way Paige had gone out of her way to make sure she slept as long as her body needed to, how she had known Azzi would need lightness and maybe a few jokes, amidst way too much affection for only one person, and had made herself late to be sure she would feel everythingâŚÂ
It was another level of caring.
One the nurse hadnât had for a long timeâŚ
And damn Azzi was folding for it.
August and early September had been hectic, and not very kind to them. Chaos was everywhere, and stability seemed lacking in every aspect of both of their quickly changing lives at the moment.Â
But seeing all of thisâŚ
Yeah, Azzi knew it was for the better.
She knew that this clumsy, kind and caring blonde girl would soon be the most stable aspect of her life. She was bound to be. They just needed time to adjust, to learn how to move around each other without making it uncomfortable for any of them.Â
And then when life would come at them, like it did yesterday, they would help one another through it, it was that simple.
So yes, maybe it was hard, and could be a bit scary at certain moments.
Azzi already knew it would be worth it.
