Monica Jina

“There are days or weeks or even months when I read the Bible and there are no grand epiphanies. There are whole seasons of Sundays when I sing praise and feel nothing. There are times of prayer where the silence kills me. There are great Christian books and podcasts that I eat up which don’t budge my spiritual life. There are too many times when I doubt the very existence of God and the sending of His Son. It can all feel like a crazy lie. I’m probably being too honest — but I’ve found that I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s in those times that I ask myself, “Am I out of love with God somehow? Am I losing my faith here? How do I get back to where I used to be?” But I keep reading my Bible. I keep singing on Sundays. I keep praying. I soak in books and sermons. I serve. I enjoy the company of mature Christians. I enjoy the fellowship of the broken. And you know what? Sometimes the clouds part and God comes through and His love squeezes my heart and I fall to my knees remembering how good He is. Then I read Scripture and can’t stop weeping and I turn on Christian songs in my car full blast and sing loud enough to scare the traffic. I serve with shaking hands and get convicted by those sermons and soak in God’s goodness all over again. So I’ve learned over time: I wasn’t really out of love with God. I’m just a fragile human being who changes as much as the weather. I was setting a ridiculous standard for myself that can’t be defined by self-pressuring parameters. I was tricked by the enemy into judging my flesh. My faith is based on His grace and not my feelings. And I think I need to relax.”