but it makes romatic relationships feel boring

i feel like i still don’t know enough about love and relationships. non toxic ones.

i feel like i’ve always chased men that somehow were triggering my issues. like it wasn’t real love. it was something. some kind of love or affection or something else entirely but i always end up confused.

i have no idea what romantic love and relationships are supposed to look like and this title “eros the bittersweet” resonated with me.

i’ve always loved longing

i wasn’t fully aware of it… but when i heard a friend saying how much she loves having a crush (and she always has crushes) because she loves the thrill and the longing and the pull she feels.

i have enjoyed that as well but at some point i became frustrated. now i am starting to see this frustration as an enjoyable force within me.

at this point however (i’m only on page 21)

at this point i feel frustrated again because i feel like nothing will ever be as intense as that emotional push and pull that you have when you can’t have someone you want. the passion lies in the distance that separates you from your lover.

i guess that’s the game i’ve always played. (a part of it at least - other parts being “getting someone to want you to feel desired and getting off on it)

but part of it was this i think now. having someone want you and wanting them back and having this third component keeping you apart and it’s so erotic. that’s what makes it so passionate. because were you to have them, it’d become very boring very quickly. and agghgg

i have never had a longer, healthy, soft relationship. i can’t compare the thrill of the chase to the peace that comes from a stable relationship. although i guess even if i could i guess that they are two things you can’t even compare at all.