littlebluebeing

It kept me safe comfortable but also drained and unhappy when alone.

Being docile offered me comfort and stability. It was scary to not be liked.

Conditional love. There were consequences to not doing what someone wants you. They won’t like you or they will give you silent treatment. It was easier to avoid conflict by not doing anything to make people view me in a bad manner. I was scared. I was avoiding myself my opinions what I like and disliked because I was scared if other people wouldn’t like me so I decided not to have one at all.

Overtime I learnt that someones attention/praise/ affection (wether familial or romantic)can be removed like this 🫰

I learned to simply be deattached if I was praised or talked down on. To Exist without approval or disapproval.

I could love and hold softness in my heart while also being de attached from external experiences.

It didn’t change anything about me as a person. That lesson that repeated itself a lot had finally offered me comfort and true peace and acceptance of myself as a person.

I lacked the intuitive knowing of when to put my foot down or to acknowledge why I was feeling a certain way when boundaries are crossed or used- I don’t realize why I felt bad inside.

Emotional suppression

Low self respect

Fear of being perceived

Anxiety when interacting with people

Fear of confrontation

Fear of vulnerability

Looking for comfort in food

I must not let nostalgia entrap me.

I must not let nostalgia entrap me.

I must not let nostalgia entrap me.

I must not let nostalgia entrap me.

The lesson of it all

The lesson of it all

The lesson of it all

The lesson of it all

The lesson of it all

Amnesia and nostlagia= enemy

Amnesia and nostalgia=enemy

Amnesia and nostalgia = enemy

Amnesia and nostalgia = enemy

The version you miss is a fantasy

Desperation= not alignment

Desperation =not alignment

Desperation = not alignment

Desperation=not alignment

Desperation= not alignment

Alignment Alignment alignment alignment alignment Alignment

enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment enlightenment

passion passion passion passion passion passion passion passion

Passion passion passion passion

Repetition is key

Repetition is key

Repetition is key

Repetition is key

Repetition is key

Repetition is key

The past version of you had a plan. The now version of you needs to revisit the lesson to remember the plan.Alignment= plan

Breakthrough of lesson.

Tired of cycle of toxicity

I love violent viras hair its layers and she cuts two horns.

I think I want a stripe of silver maybe a patten.

1. Create personal beauty advice

2. Doodle self portrait

3. Sculpt with clay!

4. Paint your face

5. Read a book

I am experiencing a Great sense of enlightenment. That piece of work truly speaks for my situation.

“platonic or not- cling to the ideal of forever, ignoring all the signs begging for transformation. There’s a delicate line between staying committed out of genuine love and persistence, and staying stagnant out of fear”

Reflection: I can say at that movement our toxic love bond happend I was changing and evolving and trying new things and growing as a person and I was definetly not done getting started. Here I come world!

it is to put down your armor and really see within yourself- to embrace your insecurities and say farewell to that wall that protects your ego so sternly.

You don’t like the way your teeth are yellow when you smile or the way your fat pokes out of your clothing. The truth is, when you break the very wall that is “impenetrable” to self reflection and room for flaws, you wear your soul down and you aura is dimmed because of what is deep rooted in your heart.

The cure for the insecure is love within yourself.everybody wants to be loved and we look for the love in the wrong places.

The sun

My pet Rory 💛

A roof to live under

Fresh water

I need to start seeing people for who they are without emotion that’s for the people who make me question my intuition if I’m being sensitive or being straight up manipulated. I can’t even blame them. The journey to recovery is first blaming them then you and then realizing none of us are to blame and let it be as just how it is. The problem is how to have empathy whilst avoiding self sacrifice.

I literally seem like a dummy-It’s not even about the other person lol-it’s not you it’s me cliche!

But damn it’s so true.

I ask myself this; what kind of person I am to allow you to treat me like this?

It’s not even you it’s me!!

Please believe me I’m a Staarrrrrr!!!

I remember the first time I got her she was a baby she hid behind the library and was very shy.

Eventually a few days after her living with us I used to do my school work under the table so we can be next to each other because cats like parallel play, consisting of calmness and solitude. So to develop our relationship better I did that everyday and I didn’t stop her when she walked away from me.That was until one day she didn’t walk off and she stayed there watching me while I worked. She started to become more comfortable with me and I was happy. She would solely seek for my attention and didnt care for the others in my family. She was loyal to me unlike her brother Freddy who was shy with everyone but also friendly with everyone.

I didn’t expect for Rory to be given away frankly I thought it was just a joke and I was ready to resist until I realized that she actually had to go and I couldn’t fight it. So I stayed with her laying with her until she had to go- remembering of the first time I got her and she was very nonchalant towards me. She is a very sweet girl who rubs against surfaces and meows for your attention.

Goodbye Rory. I hope your new owners love you and give you everything you need💛

This is a more recent photo:

I was just listening to comfortable liar and a memory popped up with a familiar person.

We were sharing ear buds together and they said that the song is what I am, “ A comfortable liar”

Now it may seem like a funny name to taunt someone with but not when it’s false and tormenting.

This person used to alway call me names like Fake, Liar, Cheater.

One of my greatest fears is to be accused or sentenced to something I didn’t do.

But other then that they were the one projecting what they were doing the whole time.

Now I look back and laugh at irony instead of letting it drive me crazy.

Women are manipulated by society to to cook clean and be an emotional therapist for their partner. Like it’s their sole purpose.

Women are expected to always be an available sex doll for men or else they will find someone or something else to satisfy them.

But instead of avoiding it I allowed it to happen multiple times and it really stuck once for me to actually learn to protect and build myself against it.

God will keep sending you the same person in different people until you learn to not attract those type of people but stop being the person who dosent have self respect and dignity.