My Thoughts

I'm not really sure what to do with this realization. Should I tell him? Would that even help? It took him years and time in the military to be able to control the anger. What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't even know why I'm angry. I just am..

Well here in a few weeks, my bf and I will own a home together. We are still young... we have no idea what we're about to be thrown into. I'm terrified and excited about this new responsibility and step in life... everything is going to be different now.

With the excitement of having a home to call my own and genuinely making it mine, I need to think about whether I am ready or not for this. I've been wanting this for so long but now that it's finally here I'm scared... what if we fail?

I'm going to try to think about the positives. Like finally having privacy, changing the door locks, putting things where I want them, having general house rules that are actually followed, etc. It'll finally be our home!

I can't believe my mom sent me this. Like wtf. You neglected me and have abused me for years.

You're the reason I was going to kill myself.

You're the reason I have so much anxiety.. so much depression.

You've never loved me.

Don't act like you ever did.

I honestly cannot understand how parents feel entitled to love, adoration, and servitude from their children when they barely even provide the basic things.

There was no love, caring, or even cooked meals from her. Anything that could be considered as love always had strings attached... even very important and needed surgery(which I still haven't gotten)

I have never received genuine love from my mother and I doubt I ever will. Hopefully, I can cut all ties with her soon. If I don't, I know she will still try to use me like she always has.

Her abuse doesn't end with me, unfortunately... My father, the sweetest and most caring man I've ever met, still is with her.

Life is weird. One day you realize that you don't have any goals, dreams, or anything. You panic thinking that you'll never do anything with your life and don't know what to do. Who do you go to... who do you ask when it's something this personal?

Like fuck. I'm only 21yrs old why do I have to feel this way?? Why can't I be happy with where I am in life?

I feel kind of weird or bad that I haven't been "dumping" my feelings on here. I know I have absolutely zero requirements or anything like that to post here... I can't accurately describe why I feel bad about not posting. Maybe it's because putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere was doing good for my mental health and I feel bad because I haven't been writing.

Failure is such an interesting thing to think about. Who determines what failure is? What makes something a true failure? When does a mistake become a failure?

If I was asked that question right now I don't know if I would say that I'm doing better or worse. Some days I feel like life is far better than it used to be, and I guess it technically is better; some days I feel like things are worse because of all the stress I'm under.

I'm so damn tired all the time and I can never get sleep. It's like my body is working against me, always doing the opposite of what I want and need. I need sleep. I need actual rest. I get neither.

The only times I can actually sleep is when I take strong sleeping meds. The general things like melatonin don't work at all for me, I need something that will knock me out, make my brain shut up long enough for me to sleep.

It's a horrible cycle of no sleep/rest and more stress. I get stressed from class, stress makes my brain go into overdrive, leading to more stress and less sleep. I can't drop any of my classes either because I'll lose my dorm room if I do.

Well, it's the first day of the spring 2022 semester and I feel prepared and not prepared for all of this again. I'm ready for all my classes and I'm excited for them too... it's just weird actually being here and learning new things. I think I'm just scared of last semester repeating.

Last semester was a trainwreck, to say the least. I kept telling my family I wanted to drop some of my classes because I was falling under the weight of it all; none of them listened or let me drop some classes and now I have to deal with all of those classes being "F" final grades because I couldn't keep up with all of that AND covid being a huge problem. It was too much and all I can do is hope that that doesn't happen again this semester.

Ever since I could remember, I have always subconsciously taken the words of my loved ones to heart. I hate that I take what they say so personally; I always end up hurting my own feelings. Every little comment or joke digs deep inside of me, bringing me down and making me feel like a waste of space. I know that none of them think that about me, but I can't help the way I feel.

I have so many ideas that I want to get out...

Why do I even try anymore? Every time I think I'm doing the right thing.. it always ends up being the worst. I always mess things up or end up making someone else mad at me.

Why even continue trying? What's the actual point of it.. if I'm only going to end up being the bad guy?