Lost

I feel like an irrepressible feeling to write down all that is on my mind. So many things are crossing it at the moment. I feel like I am standing at a big crossroads and I don't know what to do. All those memories, kind of shattered in my head, are playing on repeat. It was undoubtedly heaven I was in this morning. I would have never expected one week ago that it would end up like that between us, and the worst part is I don't know what to think about all that went on last night and this morning. It was all so charming and romantic, a fairytale I enjoyed being a part of. I never felt so alivel. All my senses were tenfold, and by tenfold, I mean by a billion. Every single moment felt like eternity, an eternity I wanted to spend with him, lying next to him. What I am saying is kind of complex since he has that girlfriend, but I actually don't care. We can't deny the chemestry we have, this wireless connexion between our brains, our bodies. Intertwined, as we were, on this couch. I would give everything to live this experience over and over again. Having this feeling of drawning into happiness, of killing myself with pleasure, of being relaxed. Every single detail was perfection, from the playlist to the atmosphere, the cosiness of the blanket to the warmth of our bodies. I felt like dying. But dying in a good way, a way that I would most certainly not regret. I can still picture us, on this sofa.. It hurts both in a good and a bad way. The thing is I don't know if what went on was genuine or if he did that was because he needed momentary affection. I feel lost, so damn lost in this labyrinth of thoughts and memories. I wonder what he was thinking making me feel like that. Was he trying to find something his girlfriend couldn't offer him, or was he really not pretending and actually acting as if we were ment to be ? This question will most definitely remain unanswered. Yet, I need to know. Or at least, I need to remember. Remember how good it felt to be with him. How great it was to feel his hands running over my sleeping body, making me wake up with butterflies in my stomach. Remember his smile when we were fooling around as kids that were fighting over some important toy. He was my toy. And I was his. We slept together. And I mean it in the most innocent sense of the phrase. We were just lying, fingers intertwined, facing each other, eyes peacefully shut. His breathing was my lullaby and his face a marvel I could have spent the entire night staring at. We feel asleep like two friends knowing that something more was going on. And I don't say it because I felt it. I say it because that is what the atmosphere was telling us. He was the one who put in hand in mine first, a sign I shall not deny. A sign that put the sleeping process in some kind of flirting act. I woke up in the most beautiful way a woman can be woken up. I woke up to his fingers running down my spine, slowly, as if he was touching something about to break down. He was so cautious that it left me breathless. I guess the only sound that could be heard was the sound of my body moaning, but not moaning sexually. Moaning in a way that said : you know what you are doing right ? I could honestly feel the joy he felt through the tips of his fingers...This swift instant of calm was of course followed by a moment of fighting. A fight that was romantically epic. It was not something hardcore, but more of a of game allowing us to get even more closer. And then it all began..It began first without noice. We knew what to do, and we didn't have to say anything to make things clear. They were limpid, we acted as if some kind of greater force was telling us to do so. Our fingers connected and then our two bodies. Always sensually and not sexually. It was not the point. I guess it would have been totally different if the whole point of this getting together thing was just for us to fuck. It was more than that. It was just out of the blue, but so tender and meant to be. He wrapped his arm around me, making me rest on his chest. I swear I could hear his heart beating at an incredible spead. As if something inside him was racing.. My hand naturally found shelter in his and we just stayed like this. It lasted a long time but it seemed way too short. I can still fell his fingers running over my back and arm. I can still feel the warmth of his breath against my sleepy face. It was just it. Something I craved that came without me noticing it. Destiny, fate, I don't even know how to call it. But the only sure thing is that it was heaven. Both because of the peaceful atmosphere surrounding us, but also because of the act itself. I was like sleeping with a live teddy bear. Breathing so slowly it forced me to stay calm. Then, we decided to turn the music on, at a very low volume, almost inaudible. Even if it was marvellous, we still fooled around a bit before going back to our numbness. I looked away, turned my body in order not to face him, just to see what he would do. And what I imagine happened. He wrapped his hands around my waist, rested his head against my back and fell back to slumber. I remember the first time I realized his fingers were on my stomach. I still remember the ache it created inside of my body. This feeling of intense pleasure, a secret one. Then his hand came once again inside mine and we stayed like that. Falling asleep and waking up to the most amazing feeling a human can experience. The one of letting go. All my troubles fled away during this Sunday morning. And I sure will remember this all life long. We remained like that for one hour or more, moving to the sound of each other's breath. We tossed and turned, but always having a physical connection with the other one. He rested his hand on my thigh, I rested mine on his. Face to face and nose to nose, a burst of happiness ran through my body. I asked him if he was feeling ok, he simply answered yes. But a yes that let me know he was feeling marvellous. I could hear it in his voice, in his gesture screaming for more. He then proposed me to smoke one. And we did.. Just the fact of seeing him puffing on his cigarette provoqued a wave of craving inside me. I wanted to kiss those lips, dear lord. But I couldn't, thinking about how his girlfriend would react if she learnt about it. So I just stared at him, creating flawless circles of smoke. We then decided to turn some tv on. I didn't watch it. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I wanted them shut so has to let my other senses feel what was going on. And it worked. I almost fell asleep against his chest when I heard my friends waking up. I couldn't hold the sadness of letting him go back as a simple friend in, so I just stayed still. And he didn't move either. The following moments were kinda messy. He started to move around the flat, leaving me half-asleep on the couch. But the truth is that he always came back, as if he knew our hands could not be apart. And it lasted for another long moment. Until he left. He left the flat and left me broken inside on the couch. Still remembering our early morning moments, our emotional connexion, our lovable slumber. And at that moment I swear we were infinite. Not really sure if this will happen again or not, but I deeply wish so. It was the action of two people totally conscious of what they were doing. As if we finally found one another after all this time being apart and lost in life. I know now that he is the one I've been seeking this whole time. The one that would make me feel alive without having to use his lips...

Thank you lovely ! <3

Would you mind kiking me at 'leabear7' ? I am beyond bored and looking for someone nice to talk to :)