Snakes, Snails, and Puppy-dog Tails

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've written anything here. Life has been keeping me occupied. But I had a realization the other day that I wanted to share, and I thought it would be the perfect first blog post of 2026.

These last few months, I would say starting around October, I've begun feeling different. It's as if I have more awareness in my body. Like, before I was just sort of floating through a fog, not present or mindful, and not even really caring where I was or what I was doing. But around mid-October, it was like - BOOM - suddenly I was completely inside myself, everything around me and inside me was coming into sharper, clearer focus. It's going to sound silly, but the best comparison I can make is what it's like to become a vampire in the Twilight universe. Colors are richer and more pigmented. I can feel the wind lightly brushing my skin as I walk. Everything sounds a little bit like music. I feel like music.

I was pondering this the other day, and it hit me. Yes, I still have days where I look in the mirror and frown. Things I'm self-conscious of. Things about myself I wish I could change. Moments where I feel disgusting or unattractive. But overall, honestly?

For the first time in my entire 32 years on this earth, I am comfortable in my own body.

I know. Crazy concept. It's so surreal. A feeling I could have never imagined even in my wildest dreams. Yet, here I am.

And now, I AM present. I AM mindful.

For the first time ever, I feel like an actual person, and not a ghost.

At first maybe that sounds depressing. And it was. But it's not depressing anymore because I did finally find myself. Sure, it took a long time, certainly longer than I would have liked, but I'm willing to bet there are sadly a lot of people out there who never find themselves, and who feel like ghosts their whole lives.

It may seem vain when you realize that this momentous occasion came after weight loss surgery and a breast lift. But I can assure you, vanity has nothing to do with it. (That's not to say I'm not vain, only that my vanity is not the cause of me suddenly inahbiting my own body.)

When I brought this is experience up to my mother, only the second person I had shared it with, she said something that I had not thought about before. She suggested that maybe it was because the way my body was shaped for the last 12 years or so was not how my body was MEANT to look. Before college, I was very thin. Broad, but thin. Then the hypothyroid kicked in and I gained sixty pounds in the span of two months. The following decade was just medical issue after medical issue, trauma after trauma, all compounding on that original sin, so to speak, and making it simply impossible for me to lose weight. So after having the gastric sleeve, my body returned to it's natural shape. Broad shoulders and a broad ribcage, a naturally muscular build, but otherwise slender. A narrow "V", if you will. Plus, after the lift, my chest is now pretty much the size it was before all the weight gain. (Maybe a LITTLE bigger unfortunately, but what can you do.) I've had a number of people tell me I look just like I did in high school. And that's partially true. I wouldn't say I look JUST like I did in high school. But I would say I look like what I SHOULD have looked like if I had just kept aging without gaining over a hundred pounds in the interim.

These two surgeries were not cosmetic for me. They brought ME back. Ninety nine percent of the time, when I look in the mirror, I smile. Sometimes, I even laugh! I recognize this person. I recognize the way they look. I recognize the way they feel. And most importantly, I recognize the way they love themselves. I can't believe I finally get to say this, but here it is:

On Sunday, July 13th, 2025, the most magical moment of my life occurred: "Thomas" proposed.

It wasn't anything fancy. He took me on a little walk to a little waterfall where we sat on a little bench. He proceeded to give me THE long, romantic speech. You know, the one about how I'm the only one he wants forever, how incredible and amazing I am, I changed his life, I made him a better man...it was beautiful. He was misty-eyed the entire time. Then he got down on one knee and asked the question (with excellent proposal posture, I might add).

At first, I couldn't get the word out. Not because I didn't want to say it, but because I knew that once I did say it, the moment would be over, and I wanted it to last forever. He waited patiently while I beamed at him for an eternity until I finally squealed, "YES" and jumped on him. He twirled me around and we couldn't stop kissing. Even though I knew the question was coming, it was more magical than I ever could have imagined.

I say I knew it was coming because it's something Thomas and I have been talking about for the last year. We knew we wanted to get married, but we also wanted to map it all out. This is partially due to the fact that I am an extremely Type A person, and partially due to the fact that Thomas is very frugal. We talked about what kinds of things we would want for our wedding. We designed the ring and picked the stone together. (Though I did not go with Thomas to pick up the finished ring. I told him I didn't want to see it until he was down on one knee.) We even toured our first choice venue and ended up booking a date. Yes, before he had even technically proposed! I did actually tease Thomas more than once with, "We're basically engaged already." And every time he would respond with, "It isn't official until I'm down on one knee."

At the end of the day, despite being two very pragmatic people, we are both also hopeless romantics. And I gotta tell you, even though it was planned, even though we had talked about it for months, even though we had a frickin' date and venue already, it wasn't really REAL until he proposed. After the ring was actually on my finger, I FELT like a fiancé, whereas beforehand it all seemed so intellectual. The bottom line is that Thomas and I agreed that an "official" proposal was something that was important to both of us. It didn't need to be perfect or fancy. It just needed to be genuine and intimate.

Ever since that moment, Thomas and I can't stop smiling at each other. When he comes home from work, he always takes a moment after he hugs and kisses me to stare at the ring, then smile at me and say "I'm going to marry you." We randomly yell "fiancé" and "we're engaged" around the house. It's all very cringe and sweet.

I always knew I wanted to get married. But when I tried to imagine my wedding, it was hazy, abstract, and far away. Now when I think about my future wedding, it's clear, concrete, and above all, it feels inevitable, like it's just around the corner. It's real.

Thomas and I are already moving forward with planning, despite the fact that the wedding is two years from now. We're just so excited! So far, it's been a lot of fun.

I was afraid this day would never come.

When the grass is greener on my side of the fence

The lilac sky (it's pronounced li-lack by the way)

Shimmers in purples, pinks, and greens

Every morning I wake up, melancholy you are not next to me

Melancholy is not something I feel when we are together

Not anymore

You feel brand new, yet

I recognize this man in front of me

Firm yet tender hands that grip my cheeks

I melt into your touch as you gently scold me

"Say two positive things about yourself"

The fake growl when I refuse to comply

I am secure in you

Sheltered from the storm outside

I eagerly await you,

Listen for that key jangle

Pounce on you when you come through the door

Sixty pounds lighter, you can finally pick me up

My legs curl around you as we laugh and

You kiss me

I melt into you

Yes, I know I said that already but

That's how it is

I feel like I'm constantly melting

My shields, my guards, my walls

Trickling away in your warmth

Only for you, who has the key to my heart

We went ring shopping the other day

Bouncing around the store, talking a mile a minute

My mother's friend laughed while you beamed

Your voice echoing in my ears

"By the end of the summer"

I've never been so excited for the future

You somehow ground me yet lift me to the sky

My head in the clouds, feet pressing into the earth

You've changed me for the better

Tell me I've made you a better man as well

I can see the difference

Exercised your heart like a bicep

Pumping iron through your veins

So you can breathe me in afresh

We look back and see how far we've come

Sure, there are scars that may never fade but

If you have a decent relationship, communication is key. Make sure you're on the same page about the when and the who, if you plan on bringing someone with you. If you don't have a decent relationship, still don't be afraid to take your time. This could be your only opportunity to get your things.

If you can, bring a friend for emotional support. And if something does happen, even just a fight, you have a witness. Though, it is far less likely something bad will happen if there's someone with you. People are more afraid to be embarrassed than we often realized. Even in front of people they don't like. Maybe even especially in front of people they don't like.

Bringing someone with you will also help you gather your things faster and cover more ground more thoroughly. Plus, you'll have someone to comfort you afterwards.

Also, keep your mind focused on the task at hand. Maybe even make a list of things you know you left there so you know exactly what to look for. Listen to music you enjoy to help distract you. (NOT sad songs or songs that remind you of the relationship!)