Be Strong.

I could just not. My meds cause weight gain so fuck that. My bad habits are the only things I feel are keeping me alive. I know I felt better literally days ago on them. But I hate that I’m fat now. I refuse to take a pill that will make me fat, regardless of the other effects. So tonight, I started down the hole. I’ve been drinking and smoking, per usual. I took a handful of diet pills. Not sure what that’ll do, if anything (but honestly think it’s harmless). Then I cut my stomach because I hate that I’m fat now. I’m really running out of reasons not to go off the deep end...

I’d just like to say how badly I want to kill myself. Every fucking day. I know in my heart that everyone’s lives would be better without me. I feel bad that I would initially cause pain, but overall no one would need to deal with me anymore. I make everything worse. People would be better off without me and I know it.

I tried to kill myself mid-March. I’ve been working my ass off trying to do better, be better. I have really made good progress, but I’ve still been scared at slipping back for that dark place. My biggest fucking trigger is unexpected change. Yesterday and today plans I had been looking forward to for weeks were changed multiple times. Already, I feel like I’m right back where I started in March- wanting to kill myself and not seeing any way out. It’s really scary how fast and strong it comes on and I feel helpless and pathetic that I can’t control this. I know I shouldn’t be freaking out like this but I don’t know how not to. I really feel like this is going to end up killing me one day.