Notes from the Accidental Journal I kept in 2018
I started on January 2nd, 2018. I was in my bed binge watching YouTube videoes aka my natural state of being. When I watch Youtube, it's a very passive activity meaning I don’t watch anything that requires an unusually large amount of thinking. Mostly mundane vlogs of other’s daily life. Therefore my thoughts were focused on the fact that I was one semester away from getting plunged into the abyss of adulthood and the unknown that comes with it. The thoughts were pushing me over the edge to the point that I was no longer enjoying the voyeuristic activity of watching some girl show me all the groceries she brought from Trader Joe’s. So I switched over to the neglected notes app on my mac and wrote the first entry of what I would call my accidental diary.
If I am completely honest. The diary was an idea that came from my therapist. In almost every session it was the subliminal message he would pass on to me, “why don’t you write it down?” or “you could have write about it.”. I would ignore him because I have has never been able to purposefully keep a journal in my life. I think part of it was that in my immigrant household privacy for children didn’t exist and if I wrote down my thoughts and my family found it ... it would be bad, and I hate any kind of confrontation. Second, because writing to me was this high form of art and not an activity that I, a lowly plebian, could do even in private. My writing would be a scourge on this earth and ruin this art form forever and for everyone. (my imposter syndrome has a flair for the dramatic). Therefore, the only way I would be able to keep a journal was without intending to keep a journal. Hence, the Accidental Journal of 2018.
I didn’t write in it every day. My life is not unique or exciting enough to do that. I wrote when I couldn’t take life anymore. Honestly, I only wrote whenever I thought that I was going to explode from emotion, confusion, or both. I wrote whenever something would happen that I would be scared would lead me down another hole of depression that I had just climbed out of. So, all of my entries are streams of consciousness. A lot of them have lists, I don’t know why. They are all relatively short. None of the entries will ever be seen by another human, but there are bits in them that are too good not to share. Since no one reads this blog, I feel its safe to put them up here.
“So, I’ll just stay home and watch E!.”
“At least I was not the drunk girl that was throwing up, I was just the girl that was friends with them, and I guess that is not bad.”
“wow is there a lot of crap out there on the internet to help you forget about yourself and whatever existence you are living.”
“Books in a bookstore and books in a library are very different, and I prefer the latter.”
“To be like one of those preserved bodies that they dig up in Pompeii where noting is known about me but I was there, and I lived, and I was recognized by those around me, but I am gone without being identified or remembered.”
“So I’ve been staying at this really nice hostel and even venturing to get to know people which is great but also horrible. mostly horrible.”
“ If you didn’t know hi I'm Lina, the insecure little bitch. So yeah last night I went out with a pretty diverse yt group and let me tell you I felt like the DUFF plus I'm black, but not a, like an exotic black ooohhhh. Some guy actually said that to me. ewww.”
“ That's fucking bullshit. Because I have walls up, or if they have WALLS up then I am fucking reinforced titanium 25 ft tall 30 ft deep walls. That keeps getting reinforced but shit like last night even though that is the problem in the first place. I need a good cry, but I also don’t want to be a baby about this you know like I want to feel empowered in myself and who I am. But I really just want to cry.”
“Some guy, I shouldn’t play like I don’t know him, he was really nice his name was XXXX, I think he still follows me on Instagram.”
“It is a lovely Sunday morning, I woke up naturally, which is a blessing in this capitalist time.”
“Mornings are so much more hopeful then evenings. There are so much more happy things in mornings than evenings. I just wish I could extend the morning happiness into the rest of the day.”
“I should probably apologize for that. It was unhelpful and unnecessary, and I should learn to that not every idea I get in my head needs to be shared with another person.”
“Another thing, do not buy a desk. Buy a dining room table you work better on those then you do at a desk staring at a wall. Desks are for losers, you are the type of person that likes to be at a dining room table in the kitchen writing and not in some stuffy library office thing. Make the world work for you and not the other way around.”
There you go, this is my last entry for this year I think. What a time year 22 around the sun has been. Will, I continue this? I don’t know and if I do it will be by complete accident.
Happy New Year from this little corner of the internet I occupy.
snowghoul
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