attention please!

Tears well up in my eyes. No, never. I shake my head and gently stroke Charlie’s back. She sighs softly and snuggles closer to me. I would give anything just for this warm feeling. Sure, it’s not easy, especially now that I have to make sure we survive. But I have a pretty carefree baby. She hardly ever cries, only when she’s scared or extremely hungry. But even then, she’s easy to calm down. She sleeps a lot and doesn’t notice any of this shit yet. Thank God. I envy her for that. That she can sleep so peacefully, that she doesn’t have to be afraid. Once again, I wonder what it would have been like if I had listened to Jen. A small cabin on the edge of the forest, with supplies, waiting for it all to be over. But will it ever be over? How many supplies could I have collected? Without a car, I wouldn’t have been able to move anyway. I had no choice but to walk to the nearest refugee camp with what I could carry. Shortly after the first cases became known in the US, people panicked. Chaos broke out in the stores, looting started. It was pure anarchy. I was lucky to get my hands on just enough of the bare necessities that I am still living on now.

Somehow, I even managed to get my hands on some pretty good equipment: a sharp knife and even a gun. Even though I’ve never used one before, it makes me feel safer. Fortunately, I haven’t had to use it yet. Overall, I’ve been very lucky, but people around me have been dying like flies. At some point, I stopped counting. Many of them were bitten, while others killed each other because they wanted supplies and panicked, or out of sheer malice. The situation became more unbearable every day, so I had to decide to leave the refugee camp for Charlie’s safety. Because, in all honesty, it was becoming more dangerous in there than outside. The mood grew more and more aggressive, and I could hardly trust anyone. One of the people who was friendly towards me explained to me what was important when you had to kill the undead. That you had to hit them in the brain. He gave me the knife, and I couldn’t have known at the time that it would save my life shortly afterwards. At night, I could always hide in a car or in a run-down apartment. I was actually only attacked by an undead once, yesterday morning, and I was even able to successfully fight it off and kill it with a stab to the head. I just woke up and got out of the car to stretch my legs. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings, and then the walker was already standing in front of me. Luckily, Charlie was still in the car, because the bastard was so close to me that she would have definitely been injured. My heart is still racing when I think about it. I am so grateful for the little training I received at the camp. After the walker collapsed, I couldn’t move at first. I stared at the corpse, frozen in place. And at that moment, Jens‘ words came back to me: »Go where there are as few people as possible.« Exactly, because if there are no people, there are no undead.

The only way forward for me was to the lake. And now I’m on my way there. Up the mountain. In the past, there were always only a few hikers there. We should be safe there, at least for a while. It’s been forever since I’ve been here. I used to come here often, by car. When I needed a break, sometimes even with Penny. We often stayed there overnight. Ah yes, Penny. Sometimes I wonder if she survived too. Or Daryl. My stomach cramps painfully, and I pause for a moment. If they’re lucky, they were so high that they didn’t even notice their end. I would wish that for them, for God’s sake, not that they are dead. But at least they didn’t have to suffer. No one deserves that. I’ve seen the walkers sink their teeth in, heard people scream in pain and despair. Blood everywhere — what is that? I stop and turn toward the downhill direction where the sound is coming from. Is that an alarm siren? I listen, my mind telling me it’s impossible. But still, the noise grows louder with every second and mixes with the loud hum of engines. Fuck. I have to get off the road. With a few quick steps, I reach the edge of the forest and take cover behind the greenery as best I can. I really don’t need a few more nuts out there.

A red sports car speeds past me, the draft hitting me with a delay. The car alarm is so high-pitched that it hurts my ears. What the hell? Does this idiot want to attract the walkers here? Damn asshole. That’s the only plan I have. There is no plan B. The lake was already plan B, for fuck’s sake. I’m about to step back onto the road when I hear another engine rumbling. Great, just what I need, more of the same. At least this time there’s no howling. And it’s not going so fast. Luckily, I’ve stayed at the edge of the forest, but I’m no longer hidden behind the bushes. I hold my hand over Charlie to protect her. It’s not a car, more like a small truck, as far as I can tell. As they get closer, I take a few steps back. Shit, did they see me? They’re slowing down. Not good. Not good at all. I stumble as I continue to back away because I don’t dare look away. Brakes squeal, they’ve seen me. Shit. The last thing I needed. I’m about to start running into the woods when the loading ramp opens and a blonde woman gets out. »Hey, lady. Everything okay?« she calls from a safe distance, putting her hands in her pants pockets. She looks in the rearview mirror to talk to one of the men. The passenger door opens and a man gets out. I keep backing away, this time being careful not to trip over any branches. I’ve seen what happened to some of the women in the refugee camp, and I don’t want to experience that under any circumstances. It’s too late to run away, and I’m not conditioned enough to keep it up for long. There is only one option. With a trembling hand and a last glance at Charlie, I grab the gun and point it at the two of them. »Stay away from me!« I shout, surprised to find that they actually stop. »We just want to help,« the man finally says, raising his hands in a calm gesture. »Hey Rick. You used to be a cop, you said? We could use your help,« the man calls over his shoulder into the truck, and another man in uniform gets out. I’m not sure if they’re trying to calm me down or motivate me to run away. »Go away! Leave me alone! Just drive on, please.« Damn, I’m too loud. The walkers. They might hear me. Although. Haha. That damn sports car already did that. I look behind me. The forest is dark, it’s dangerous. I don’t want to go there. Damn it, I just want to go to the lake. In peace. Alone. I flinch in fright when a soft whimper comes from the blanket. Shit. »Not now, Charlie… be quiet…« I whisper as quietly as possible and try to rock the child somehow with my free hand. »You… you have a baby? Damn, how did you survive out here?« asks the other man, causing me to look up. I was so focused on calming her down that I didn’t notice this Rick slowly approaching me. I stare at three shocked faces and raise the gun back up to Rick’s face. »Shit. Back off or I’ll shoot you!« My fingers hurt from gripping the gun so tightly. If I really had to shoot, I’d probably hit anything but the threat in front of me. »Ma’am… calm down… put the gun away… We won’t hurt you or the baby,« Rick tries to calm me down, but it doesn’t have the effect he wants. »Go away… please.« I whimper as Charlie’s crying gets louder. I have to calm her down, otherwise her loud crying will attract a lot of undead. »Please!« I’m almost screaming through my tears, because the gun is now almost touching Rick’s chest, he’s come so close. Why the hell don’t I just shoot? »Ma’am, you really should calm down. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but we’re not a threat,« he explains again, but I just shake my head, crying.

Charlie’s crying is now unbearable, every muscle in my body painfully tense. Why is he doing that? He looks at me, raises his hands, and takes a few steps back. »We have… a camp at the top of the hill, right by the lake… It’s safe there… There are children there too…« explains the blonde woman, causing me to snort. Sure, of course there are sweets in the white van. »Here, take a look…« the other man mumbles, reaching into his back pocket. I flinch, but he only takes out his wallet. He opens it and approaches me after giving Rick a critical look. I squint to see what’s inside. »My wife and children… they’re safe up there, and you can be too,« he explains. How many lies have I heard in the last few weeks? How many people have I seen die because they believed them? »Please put the gun away,« Rick calmly demands a moment later. Damn, I don’t know what to do. Three people talking at me, the crying baby in my arms, the gun in my hand, I’m so hungry. It all comes crashing down on me like an earthquake, and I start crying like a stuck pig. And I lose my focus. When Rick takes the gun from my hand with a practiced move, I turn away in reflex and run as fast as my legs can carry me.

»We have to follow her, she won’t survive long like this!« »Shit,« Rick curses, pockets my gun, and runs after me. It’s not hard for him to follow me, because first of all, he only has to follow my baby’s crying, and second, I’m pretty fast out of breath and lean against one of the trees, gasping for air. »Please… I have nothing to give you…« I whimper, holding both hands in front of my baby to protect it. »We don’t want anything from you. We want to help you,« Rick’s voice is gentle and soothing, but I still can’t stop sobbing. He approaches me with a smile. What is he doing? Is he stupid? He actually holds out my gun to me. I quickly grab it before he changes his mind. »Next time you want to threaten someone, you should unlock it.« Haha, thanks for the tip.

The experiment was a complete success. Sherlock proved in every way that even he, with enough alcohol, does things he wouldn’t normally do. Moaning, I cling to his curls and close my eyes as he pushes his long fingers into me again.

And yet the evening had begun so innocently. I had assumed that at most I would make fun of him stumbling around and not bring out his talent for giving me the kind of orgasm that no one else had ever given me before. Several times. I already know that I will regret this tomorrow. I know that it’s not right. Oh God, those lips. It’s as if he knows exactly where to touch me to make me melt like warm wax. There isn’t an inch of my body that he hasn’t explored. Fuck, I’ll never be able to look him in the face again, or he’ll just ignore me and never speak to me again. I warned him. I told him to take it slow. Even after the fourth tequila, when he was already having trouble speaking and I wanted to stop because I was worried, he refused and insisted on continuing the experiment. After shot number seven, I knew it was a mistake. He stumbled towards me with a look I never would have expected from him. He never gave any hints.

And then? Bang, he holds my head in both hands and his lips are on mine. Not that it bothers me per se. I just never expected it. Not from him. From anyone else, but not Sherlock. It’s always been hard enough, but at least I could always tell myself that he wasn’t interested in me. That made it bearable, I knew it would never be more than it was. I’m also pretty sure that apart from the physical, there’s nothing else going on in that direction. He has no interest in relationships, the most he’ll go for is friendship, and that’s difficult enough.

Why am I doing this? I shudder as another wave of tingling rushes through my body. I know exactly why: I’ve had enough shots to be unable to think straight. With the fatal addition that my emotions are taking over. And God, this feeling of being desired by this man. How often have I imagined what it would be like when he touches me, if he desires me? And it feels so much better than anything I could ever have imagined. Trapped under his touch, tasting his kisses, this warmth that flows through every fibre of my body.

I push away the thought that we don’t suit each other. No, not now. I can think about that later. Why can’t this evening last forever? Make time stand still, and all that. Tonight, everything is perfect. Tonight, he is mine. That’s all that matters right now. I curse under my breath and suppress a moan, instead channelling this overwhelming feeling into my hands, which dig into his upper arm. I have no idea if my nails are piercing his skin, I don’t care. All I can feel is him slowly pushing into me, his breath on my chest, until he is finally deep inside me and pauses for a moment.

«You should stop him.» Shut up. «It’s wrong.» But I want it so much. I want to feel him, I want to taste him. I want to claw into his back while he moans my name quietly. Oh God, I never expected him to moan at all. He leans his head on my shoulder, finding his rhythm, it’s perfect. I wrap my arms around his chest. It’s so perfect the way he fills me. So perfect that all my doubts are washed away. It’s okay. To pretend that I mean something to him. To believe that the struggle was worth it, the struggle for his attention, for his love.

«Liar.» It doesn’t matter. I’m playing his game. I don’t give a shit. With every thrust, with every kiss, I lose myself more in the idea that this will never end and is the beginning of something new. With his rhythm, he drives my body into a kind of trance, into a world where we belong together, where I am happy with him. A world where he doesn’t just see me as a friend. Where he truly wants me, without alcohol. Where I can fall asleep next to him every night. Fuck the truth. Nobody wants to see it anyway. I don’t want this emptiness anymore. I want to enjoy every second that brings me closer to paradise. Fuck it, I’ll never feel him like this again. God, this tingling sensation is driving me crazy. What is it? I don’t know this feeling that takes over my whole body. His thrusts are getting harder, my mind is now lying whimpering in the corner. Who cares. Sherlock lifts his head, I lose myself in his blue eyes. His lips find mine. An electric shock runs through me as our tongues touch. My moans are lost in his mouth as he thrusts even harder. Trapped under his body, held tight in his grip. For a fraction of a second, everything goes numb, only to burst into a thousand little explosions, like a chain reaction, each one reinforcing the next, followed by the grand finale as he empties himself into me with one last hard thrust. His kiss is so passionate and full of longing. A kiss I will never experience again.

I gasp for air, his forehead resting on mine. He is also out of breath. For this little moment, everything is perfect, I feel like I’m flying. Yet I make the mistake of opening my eyes. His gaze brings me back to reality faster than I would like. I can see it clearly and it hurts. The proof of everything I already knew. He will never desire me, never see me as more than a friend.

He regrets it.

But I am too proud.

To admit that it was a mistake.

That it wasn’t right.

We don’t need them. Neither Penny nor Daryl. At first I was angry, although no, that’s an understatement. I was furious. But now? That scumbag doesn’t deserve me or this baby.

“We don’t need them, my little girl, you’ll see. We can do this!” I whisper, trembling as I breathe in. I hope so, so much. But what if I’m not a good mother? I have to be strong, more than I could ever imagine. That becomes clearer to me with each passing day. I saw Penny not long ago. It was painful. At first, I didn’t recognize her. She was totally skin and bones, with dark circles under her eyes. It was just assumptions running through my head. But each one was worse than the last. She has changed so much. At first, I thought about saying something to her. But then I realized that Penny was never the person I thought she was. She took advantage of me so many times, but she hasn’t been as mean as she has been since Merle. And me, stupid idiot, actually felt guilty for a moment. As if I were responsible for what she does with her life.

Since then, I’ve thought a lot about talking to Daryl again. But let’s be honest. Why would Merle and Penny take drugs and Daryl just sit there and watch? He’s definitely just as deep in the shit. My baby doesn’t deserve a life like that. And neither do I.

Until two weeks ago, at least work was like family. For a few hours, I wasn’t alone. Some of my coworkers even helped me get things like a crib and set it up. Daisy, the receptionist, even took me to the supermarket once a week because my damn car still isn’t fixed. It’s just too expensive, and I’ll definitely need the money when the little one is born. Everything was fine, I felt good. But then came the shock. I’m not allowed to work anymore. And since then, I haven’t heard a word from Daisy and the others. They don’t even reply to my text messages. Only a few more weeks, then she’ll finally be here. And then maybe I can go back to work. At least, I hope so.

The shrill ringing of my cell phone makes me jump. Somehow, I’m glad to be torn away from these thoughts. But when I look at the display and recognize Jenny’s number, who worked with me in the office, my stomach clenches painful. She’s not interested in me or the baby. The only thing this woman is concerned about is herself and the gossip she can spread. I was always good for that. No matter what she heard or saw, she always spread it as quickly as possible to everyone she knew. Unfortunately, I belong to that circle. The stories she tells are indeed sometimes amusing, like listening to a fairy tale as a child. But nothing more than that. A smile crosses my lips. I remember well how she told everyone in a panic that the government was planning to smuggle humanoid androids into society, for control purposes, of course. This would all be related to the pigeons that eavesdrop on us every day. I look at the flashing mobile phone. A little distraction certainly won’t hurt me. Maybe I should write down all her stories and become a best-selling author. Shaking my head, I finally accept the call. “Hey, Jen—”

“Listen, you need to listen to me carefully now!” Okay, wow, not even a hello or anything. She doesn’t even let me answer, but talks so fast and so much that my brain can’t process it. Does she breathe through her hair or how is that even possible?

“Jen! Wait a minute. I didn’t understand a word. Slow down, please.” On the one hand, I want to laugh, but on the other hand, there’s this feeling in my stomach that’s growing stronger. I don’t like it. Not even a little bit.

“You – have – to – leave. Go to the —” What kind of shitty connection does she have?

“Few people. Promise me, please.” Damn, what the hell. Something’s wrong. She sounds totally frantic.

“Jen! Why? What’s going on?” My pulse quickens. No, not a good idea. I can’t get upset.

“Virus—wait—” Crackling.

“Jen? Hello?”

Fuck. fuck. fuck.

“Now I’ve got everything in the car. I went shopping before everything collapses. Fuck. You know, okay, listen. Give me a second. I need to take a deep breath.” Okay, I’ll wait. But could you please hurry up? My nerves. I hear her taking deep breaths and counting. Is she struggling with a panic attack?

“Honey, listen. Let’s start over. You have to get away. Go to the outskirts of town. Where there are few people.” Why does Dixon immediately come to mind? Fuck it. “This is going to be the end. The French—” She takes another deep breath. I can literally hear her shaking. “The French have discovered a virus. It’s said to be very dangerous and no one knows where it came from or where it is already.“ Okay, now I can’t help but smile. So, the usual conspiracy theories. ”Don’t you think we would have heard about it on the news?“

”I don’t think Thomas, whose uncle works in one of these labs, is lying to me. He never has.» Oh, right, Thomas. Why didn’t I think of that? That makes it more convincing. “I know you’re going to laugh at me. They always laugh at me. But this time it’s real. He showed me videos. People—they attack others—and bite them. They want to eat them.”

"Calm down, Jen. People are assholes and attack each other… even with unconventional methods. Mike Tyson has bitten other people too.“

”No, I’m not going to calm down. They were dead! Do you understand? No longer alive! They woke up again and chewed the flesh off other people’s bones like fucking animals.” Her voice is increasingly drowned out by tears, which she is obviously fighting back. Damn, she’s really got herself into something here. And when I think about it, she didn’t react any less dramatically about the androids. Although this is really next level.

“Do you really think no one would notice?”

"They’re covering it up, for fuck’s sake. Please. You have to get out of here. For the baby’s sake, if nothing else. Just trust me this one time. I beg you.“ Even though I think it’s all nonsense, my pulse is still racing. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to calm down. Under different circumstances, I probably wouldn’t react this way. ”Please! You have to promise me!» Wow, okay. So now I’m getting yelled at? I exhale with a huff and clench my free hand into a fist.

“I’ll do what I can, okay?” I force the words out between clenched teeth.

Silence

“Really?” Ugh, that sound. The thought of her wiping the snot from her nose disgusts me.

“Yes, as soon as you hang up, I’ll take care of it. I promise.” Good thing she can’t see my crossed fingers. But if it makes her feel better when I tell her that, then it’s okay. “Thank you! You know, it’s important to me to save as many people as possible. Thank you for believing me! I still have so many people to call…”

“You’re welcome… Good luck!” I end the call and put the phone on the table. What the hell was that?

Like a horror movie, only without the picture. I’d better find a bunker, or a military base equipped with EMP, or what? I laugh out loud. For the first time in a very long time. At least it distracted me and cheered me up for a short while.

POV Daryl

Two months later

“That’s not mine.” Those words pound in his head. He feels paralyzed, unable to look away despite his conviction. Without another thought, he turns the photo over with a trembling hand. Before reading what is written on it, he glances at Merle and Penny. The two are busy clearing out everything that was still in the shelves. He adjusts his crossbow, clears his throat, and looks at the back of the photo again. In beautiful handwriting decorated with a little heart are written the date of birth, weight, and a name. Charlene. So it’s a girl. He shakes his head unconsciously. Not that he cares. After all, his heart was already racing when they entered the apartment. She could have been one of the undead, and they have to be prepared for any attack. Adrenaline can’t be controlled. “Idiot. You know exactly why your pulse is racing.” Daryl has to pull himself together so as not to scrunch up the photo and is torn from his thoughts by Merle.

A photo

A damn Polaroid

That’s the only thing he could find about her in her apartment. And that was just by accident. Several people must have been here already and taken everything that was even halfway useful. Everything is scattered around, the furniture is destroyed, and so far they haven’t been able to find any food or water. At least they haven’t found a body. Neither hers nor a baby’s. Instead, a single photo, probably taken soon after the birth. His chest tightens painfully as he looks at it.

“There’s nothing here. Let’s go.” Merle’s voice has become surprisingly quieter since the walkers came around. Penny is right behind him and already on her way out when her gaze brushes Daryl’s hand.

“Wait. What’s that? Give it to me.” Oh, he hates her. He has learned to hate her. She’s not like Merle, she’s worse. Much worse. She’s so fake and evil. Merle doesn’t care, on the contrary. He praises her for it.

“Fuck,” he mutters as Penny quickly approaches him and snatches the photo from his hand faster than he can react.

"Oh shit… Merle! Did you see that? She really had the baby before the dead got up.” Her laughter is so unsettling that Daryl’s face distorts in disgust. “Well, she won’t survive long with that brat anyway…” Penny shrugs and carelessly throws the photo behind her onto the floor. How can a person who used to be your best friend be like that? In a situation like this?

“Come on… we have to go… before more of them show up and we can’t get out of town anymore,” calls Penny as she leaves the apartment after Merle. Daryl curses under his breath. He can’t just leave like that. Something is holding him back. He bends down with a slight sigh and picks up the photo.

And just like before, when he sees the baby, he feels his chest tighten again.

What if it is his daughter? No, it can’t be. He shakes his head. These thoughts have to stop. Not after what they said about her. He sees his hand start to shake again and hears Merle’s voice in his head.

“Be realistic… Even if only a small part of what Penny said is true… it’s bad enough and it’s hardly likely that it’s yer child. She’s not yours! Be reasonable!” He’s right. Merle must be right.

“Shit…” he curses again and puts the photo in his pocket after another moment.

Maybe she’s still alive, then he could give her the photo if he ever meets her. That would be the least he could do, because the photo must mean a lot to her.