When I first moved out to LA it was like going off to college. New friends, a new setting, new surroundings, and a whole new level of getting wasted and forgetting new memories. Going from couch to couch before I found a place of my own, it was only right for me to party as hard as the loving and caring and welcoming people that allowed me to stay with them. It was fun. I couldn’t tell you half of what we did or said or laughed uncontrollably at for hours into the night. But I knew it was fun. As time passed and my liver was rotting away, I was beginning to realize many things about my excessive habit. Many parts of my life are a blur, but at least they all sort of blurred together. In LA it was not quite the same. One of the worst parts about getting as drunk as I did was the fact that nights i couldn’t remember were followed by mornings of people telling me “you didn’t seem that drunk at all.” I had fallen into a miserable coma of bad health and rare recollection of events and no one was the wiser. Its a bad sign when people have no clue that you are black out drunk. After a morning in vegas of coughing up blood and hiding from my friends to cover my sickness, it was clear that I needed to stop immediately. I checked in to a couple of AA programs and even tried meditation and therapy. I only learned that the process of giving up only made me want to drink even more. So after a week of sobriety I had a revelation. I started to notice the things in my life that I wanted were far more important to me than what I needed. With this discovery I quickly understood that in order to really obtain what I desired, I had to do what was needed to be done for me first. And what needed to be done was quitting alcohol. As sober weeks past I noticed my life and the quality of it getting better. I became more ambitious, and with that ambition came a clear head. My mind was able to process commitment to success as a valuable function rather than just a dream. I was far more understanding of my social presence and how it needed to expand for me to progress. I was killing it. Within months of being sober I became more and more of the person I wanted to be because of obeying who I needed to be. Suddenly, months turned into a year and I looked back on my journey with great pride and so much appreciation for my own will power and the support of my friends. Sadly, all this greatness, came with a price. I never knew just how much becoming sober would alienate me from so many people. Through my journey I let the departure of my social circle fall far under my radar. And to be honest, its no ones fault really. My friends slowly started to become less inviting and more distant because they knew I was maintaining a sober lifestyle. Even when I did go out with them I wasn’t fun and i began to complain more. So, of course they started to invite me less and talk to me rarely until I became nothing but “somebody they knew”. I don’t blame them. No one wanted a sober guy in his late 20s who was already too agitated and critical for his own good tagging along to sit miserable in a crowd of people who were trying to snapchat how fun and exciting their lives were. It sucks. I hate this sad truth. I miss them. I miss the laughing til my sides hurt. I miss waking up late to foggy stories of the night before. I miss inside jokes. i miss snapchat stories filled with the best memories that last 24 hours. But i don’t miss alcohol. And i cant go back to that. I know I could easily just pick up a phone or ask to be included, i just hate the fact that i have to. I wish like anything i could have the best of both worlds but as of now its just not in the cards. Someday I hope to find an equal balance and regain those wonderful people in my life on that level again.
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