lilsunnie

but I’ll try to justify this mess in my mind.

It isn’t fair that such a glance

could make me question everything I understand

I love a freckle on a nose,

but a mark on a cheek makes it my favorite.

I long for the touch of your hand,

but a busy wrist makes me feel warm.

I look at those doll eyes and see beauty,

but brown hues staring at me is epitome.

I could smell the aroma of chocolate forever,

But a whiff of blue is always a treasure.

How I wish it was different.

when you said you don’t feel my love as pure,

I understand you now.

And it’s sad that I do.

All I can say is, it’s okay.

I can’t force anyone to do that for me,

it has to be them.

But I have to ask,

Why?

Why am I not that girl?

Is it because of how I speak,

Or the way I dress?

Maybe my attitude?

Perhaps my stature?

I don’t want it to be by me

so I’ll never say anything.

But for once,

Can someone be so proud of me,

That the people they love the most,

Also knows me.

Because I don’t understand.

They’ve done it before

With other people,

And those people have that over me.

The bond of loving their son.

Stories that only your mom would know.

But I’ll never get to know that feeling

Will I?

Its okay.

If you don’t think I can be that person,

then okay.

If you don’t think I’m worth the introduction,

then okay.

We all know I can’t do what I’m asking for.

But someday,

I’ll be the girl someone tells their mom about.

One day,

I’ll be the girl having lunch with someone’s mom.

And those days may not be today,

But it will come.

And the boy who can do that for me just proved that I am worth being proud of—

and that makes me love him a million times more

when will I ever be enough?

why is there always someone else,

waiting in the backseat—

begging to be your passenger.

she already gets the unforgettable love,

she’s already the one that got away,

she gets the loving support of family,

she gets everything.

how about me?

what do I get?

why can’t I have something,

why can’t you give me something.

I desperately want to be a part of your life,

but it seems like you’re not letting me.

so I’ll just be here,

waiting for the day you say,

but feel it so loud

its like when i asked all my whens

he answered, now.

what may seem fast by time

can be slow in a lifetime.

full of life in the future

to be compared to any past.

have you got a lucky penny?

or maybe i do,

because it seems you arrived

when i lost all my dime.

been too good,

all my pieces gently mend,

certainly the anchor

i wouldn’t mind how little

a shot of a text and i come running

naive, once you start speaking.

I don’t wanna seem unfamiliar

about the things you and i have encountered

needing every part of you to stay remembered

A little crazy, no?

nineteen me being completely deranged

Never mind, when did you ever listen?

is it okay, safe haven?

i don’t even know when it started.

suddenly, your voices are unheard.

little things i thought i would have forever

in a moment, they’re gone.

is it okay to not be in your oasis

where the waves don’t flow around us.

where it doesn’t speak our memories.

where it reminds me that you’re well.

walking around and i blink twice,

“oh what was his thing again?”

when i used to know it all.

but that doesn’t leave the page unmarked.

the corner is still folded.

but i have think twice to go back

and remember that you were once

even if you’ve won all our little matches.

When I thought I could definitely take you,

in a second I didn’t realized I was already trapped.

Unable to move and laughing wildly.

Stuck in the feeling of being surrounded.

Hearing more of what you could do to win.

Little did you know, you have already.

You’ve won when I can’t breathe in a chokehold,

the same way I can’t when you give me a wink.

You’ve won when I cant reach anything of yours for offense,

the same way I can’t when your mind is too far.

You’ve won when my legs are twisted incapable of moving to defend,

the same way my legs become when you stare me down.

You’ve absolutely won when I remember every bit of us,

the same way i’m uncertain if you remember any.

Can you tell me how again?

Tell me how to wrestle out of being stuck in your hold.

Tell me how to do offense when these memories play back in my head.

Mostly, tell me if this love of ours has maim you too.

Because I definitely lost this wrestling match.

But how I wish it was—

- - - - - - - -

No one can tell me that

this world is a coincidence,

Not when out of 7 billion people,

I have found you.

How have you manage to invade my being,

with every ‘shush’,

every right face mole,

and one scent?

Can i see you when

we’ve reached the stars?

And maybe, just maybe,

we can collide again.

Maybe they expect memorabilia.

Some kind of shirt you gave me

Maybe the flower on my kitchen counter

Or the film stills beside my TV

But would they understand?

That if I had something of yours,

Even my hands would not dare to taint.

The reminders of you,

Wouldn't even have a stain.

So I would say,

Can I keep your words?

The ones you whispered,

Like it was just you and me in this world.

Can I keep your scent?

The way it takes me in,

Just like I'm in your arms where I feel content.

Can I keep your touch?

The way it burns,

Every single time it reaches my soul.

Maybe I am a coward,

Not letting myself fold these.

But would you try to flaw

Something you would like to seize?

I am a fool for letting you go,

But not so much to not see,

That in every fold,

There is a possibility,

That it becomes too small to open it again

- unsmeared.

The ones I use to stare at for long.

My boy, roll your dice.

Tell me it lands on my heart singing our song.

Youre doing well right?

Everything going according to plan?

Worried about your night,

Still wanting to be your sun.

How many lyrics will i search?

To read the words you try to share.

Or reminisce us on the couch

Listening to you to show how I care.

Love seeing those curls with that face,

But I miss those hazel brown hues.

For a better case,

Tell me how you miss mine too.

Remembering his eyes, mouth and hands

that used to guide me through the night.

It may not have been for a while,

but while enough to take a part of me out of sight.

Maybe someday, I’ll forget about it.

Our movies,

Our orders,

Our words.

But for now,

I’ll reminisce our days that occupies my mind,

I’ll hear the beautiful lines spoken,

I’ll feel what your body has laid upon on mine.

As much as I want to have you in the afterlife,

We were only made for the time we had.

Sadly, they haven’t found a way to make the

people in our past live again.

— And I’m not sure I want them to.

let some taco bell suffice

to see every light,

shining from your eyes.

reflecting from mine,

right after midnight

you whispered,

“happy birthday”

what can i say to that, my sweet boy?

you feel familiar-

december 24th

maybe why i called

before i left traces of my soul

— in the height of holly land

remind me of everything I’ve told you.

from songs about nirvana to novels,

and what cologne smells good for you.

Just to see you dance in Walmart,

like a little kid given a cookie.

If only ghost(s) could drive,

from south to up north.

Listen to the love on my brain in beach blvd,

and watch jake gyllenhall while figuring out pieces when were bored.

Just to see that right cheek and put a kiss,

where you know I always do.

listening to car tunes before midnight

feel love on the brain down in beach boulevard

only the two of us alone watching ambulance

buying paper pushing my target cart.

staring at your eyes inside out, by duster

Put your hand on the wheel

Take me wherever.

I look into you and

All i want is for this to still.

This moment i could freeze,

Hoping it stays,

But drive me baby.

Drive me to forever.

Or to calm down.

But one look at you,

it seems you have given me all the air i could breathe.

It seems you have showed me how to be at ease.

It seems, you make me want to rest—

count all the seconds spent with you by my side.

How you want to be loved.

I can’t promise you forever

because even that has an end.

But I can promise to love you

— really fucking hard.

The way i’ve never loved before.