lilly

sometimes i have to time travel. matte black nailpolish i havent worn since sophomore year of high school. lounging on the lawn at the city college i spent time at somewhere in between 2019 and 2021 not sure when.

this is what i mean when i say i cant remember things//interactions i have with people for the most part. once i ennter a different mental emotional state i am completely severed from the ones prior and i cant fathom why i was so intensely miserable and desperate to cut myself and too depressed to move or respond to people even if they are right in front of me. i cant imagine caring about what my body looks like to the point that i express it out loud to others. i dont really care about the things that were torturing me and i have no clue what triggers it bc i can experience the same emotional “triggers” but in the context of separate states of mind i have the capacity to act self actualized in one point in time and have absolutely no control over the complete belief in a more intensely negative light of things and hopeless feeling. i dont nnow if its cyclical or hormonal or what. but i go around crazed over some obsession with the word abrasion thinking i am the most abrasive person thinking about the abrasivenesd of wearing tight jeans and going on a hike after my first cut to prolong the punishment. and then i am the most charming person in the world and i have so much balance and emotional intelligence.