My Renaissance

Most of the time, I feel overlooked. Like I don't exist. I feel empty inside. And these days it's getting worse. I feel like I won't ever be enough. I feel like I'll always be lacking in one way or another. I feel like no one will truly ever see me.

Other times I feel like I'm overreacting. Especially when I think about the friends I have, but even then, it's not enough. I feel left out. Unimportant. Useless. Like I can be replaced in two minutes.

It's very easy to fade out. It's very easy to no longer be impossible. It's very easy to be present but not be needed. Everything about me makes me stand out, from my height to my interests. Yet despite all these unique identifiers, I tend to disappear.

My friends don't bother to check up on me despite me always doing so. It just hurts to see them show up for other people but not show up for me.

At home, even though I'm the first child, I'm probably my mom's least favorite child. No matter how hard I try to do my best, I'll never live up to my sisters.

The way society has made things, it's very hard to be sad, to be angry, it's veey hard to be anything but happy. It's weird.

There are so many emotions that a person can feel. They don't make sense most of the time but they each rear their heads when you need to deal with them. Feelings of insecurity, anxiety, depression, just everything. It's wrong to keep them inside but sometimes there's no outlet for them.

My wish right now is for someone I can vulnerable with. Someone I can go to and feel everything I'm feeling in it's raw form and to be understood, maybe not understood but at least witnessed. I keep so much inside my head, ignoring all these feelings till they're to much for me and I'm breaking down, crying in dark corners.

Only love can hurt like this right? Well they're kind of right. Only me heart skipping a beat when I see you and the extreme anxiety that fills me when you're close by could hurt like this.

Ladies and gentlemen of Tumblr, I am definitely tired of how often and how intense the feelings I have develope. And 90% of the time they're one - sided. Imagine my luck really.

Wellllll, it's been a good minute since I was on this app. And have I missed it.

I can't wait to have as much fun as I did before and to have an outlet for everything again.

We were all locked in at one point during this year. Everything was at a standstill. Families were separated.

It hit us all in one way or another.

As a student, quarantine really threw me off balance, not to mention the fact that the country where I live didn't really have a structured online program for us.

Growing up with access to education means we spend a majority of our time in school. 42 weeks out of 52 weeks in a year is spent in schools.

School becomes our way of life, our order, our stability. And having that ripped away from us because of quarantine was enough to alter our lives forever.

Quarantine hit me hardest in that sector. The loss of order and stability. Creating it again became an impossibility.

Seeing as schools are re - opening tomorrow for us in my part of the world actually gives me a sense of joy. It means I get my order back. My structure.

Well, I've had a turbulent music journey in my short time on our mother planet

As most teens, I started out listening to pop songs and in some time passed I loved Migos and Nicki Minaj.

In no distant time, I began to ache for something with more depth and meaning. I switched to Post Malone, 21 Pilots, Khalid, Bruno Mars, Birdy, Lana Del Ray and others.

Still, that didn't satisfy the craving, the ache.

I was watching Prodigal Son when I heard the melody of Where's My Love by SYML and then I knew, this was what I'd been looking for.

I delved into him and had soon listened to and downloaded all his songs. I had found a constant.

Still wanting more, I took up Sleeping At Last, their music was soul inspiring. It was calm and peaceful and chaotic all in one. Just like what I hope to define as myself.

I branched out more, tapping into the likes of Declan J Donovan, Ghostly Kisses, Jome, Finneas and Banners.

I have found peace in my music. And their effect is a calm in my mind

This is a lyric from Declan J Donovan. One of my favorites, I made it myself

Credit to the blog below for the picture I used

Ladies and gentlemen, after watching both movies, I have come to the radical conclusion that I love Pennywise.

Pennywise is a product of psychology, in my opinion though. He preys on your darkest fears and makes them appear as your reality.

He twists your mind and alters your reality, in a horrible way sure, but I still find it very impressive.

Let's not even get started with that voice, it will haunt nightmares but still will never be forgotten for that unique hoarseness of the voice and the slight gentility enclosed within.

And never the least, his make up. The perfect application of foundation, the overly extra lipstick and his red wig.

Beautiful stuff really

I know many of you may call me crazy, but Pennywise is bae.

As we all know, perfectly veiled adult content is incorporated into our childhood favorite, SpongeBob SquarePants.

There have been numerous theories

He's gay, he has mental issues, he is nearly a thousand years old and others

But has anyone seen him as a smoker?

Obviously, he won't use the conventional cigarette, seeing as this is a children's series, but have you ever thought that his love for blowing bubbles is a actually a watered down expression of a smoking addiction?

In the episode Yellow Book, where Squidward reads his diary and everyone finds out his secrets, he -being SpongeBob- ran out to the back of the Krusty Krab and blew bubbles. SpongeBob, who was extremely tensed and agitated immediately calms down... Just like a nicotine boost in the matter of real smokers

And also, generally, when SpongeBob is in stressful situations, he is seen blowing bubbles!!

I'm pretty sure that if you're underwater and you let out a breath of air, you'd create air bubbles.... Just. Like. SpongeBob