life goes on

Reaching higher and higher

Seemingly endless

Wire branches reach out

The sky is a lattice work of electricity

Nature is unnatural

Buzzing away

The night is light

Hands bloodied from my work 

Fingertips pulled raw

Punctured a million times 

Curled over my work 

Ache deep in my back 

Legs cramping 

Eyes burning 

Yet the fabric is so beautiful 

Beads shimmering 

Every stitch intentional 

All of it in the right place 

Little dots 

Small details 

Hours of time 

Days of work 

The sky crashing down

Houses start to crumble

Nothing stable the way it once was

Rain punches the ground

Light cracking the sky

Causing the world to cry out

Changing everything

Darkness comes

pages and pages of things that were said

names places memories

things that used to fight off sleep

keep me awake for days

sick with ideas

now I just stare

it's all in a language I don't understand

I can't get back to

or maybe I could if I tried

the cage once that was once pressing in

restrain that forced stillness

it's all gone

I can move my fingers

move without pain from the boundaries

the memories press in

all the times I couldn't 

all the times I tried and failed to be freed

yet I escaped

I twist and turn 

making my way through life

the things that once kept me trapped 

every day a little further

I want to be the one you look at

The one you joke with

and think of

You have hundreds of people

Can I be your one

Slowly you turn to me

Do you notice

My smile always gets wider

The floor a sea of fabric

Curling irons and straighteners all on

A death trap of tools

Makeup covers every angle

Streaks of glitter in hair

on faces

on bodies

Laughter easily coming

A group a girls on the middle of it all

Oblivious to the chaos around them

than hate me

I could deal with everything

take on every challenge

but I can't lose you

Everything is alright

as long as you didn't hate me

I'd rather you feel nothing

than hate

Feet falling on rocks and dirt

Chirps and hums sing out

There are animals all around

Bikers and hikers fly by

Sometimes they stop

To sniff or draw

Less and less every day

Some wander alone, in silence

Others in groups, with friends

All on their own journey

They have to see it through

it doesn't have to be love

You don't have to need me

casual is okay

as long as you feel free

to be whoever you want to be

you can have me

however much you want

Everything and everyone truly loved

This memory house

where the hours flee by

Standing here trapped in the past

Time moves around me

Body changing

Mind changing

My heart stays the same

Stuck trapped ...

In who I was

No one sees me for me

They see who I used to be

Years pass yet my images is unchanged

I try to claw my way out

Leave this box

I suffocate trying

It might be worth it

White dotted in green

Barefoot in the mud

Brown covering my feet

Flying through days

Rough bark cutting

Thankful it's not deep

Red blood starts to drop

Running down my legs

Mixing into the dirt

Dandelions coat the ground

yellow mixing with the rest

Running through the grass

stuck in time

living in this memory house

as the hours flee by

smile lines are carved into my face

forced to appear happier

but I can't move

I can't leave

I will forever be trapped inside this memory

of a girl who once existed

I could take flight

Trying to flee

I could stay and fight

Breaking free

But I will not freeze

I cannot stay here

Anyway to get out

To break away

everyone knows I love you

everyone knows you hate me

everyone knows you enjoy our little game

constantly baiting me

egging me on

listening in for a chance to comment

or make one of your little faces

if I wasn't in love with you I think I'd hate you

your looks and words setting me on fire

and everything you say

every minor inconvenience

every annoyance

anything to say your name

the feeling of it on my tongue

it's a comforting weight

have it be where you once were 

I lament every interaction 

because I know you'll forget them all 

Images run through my head

Your hands on my back

Relieving pain you knew nothing about

Your leg pressed in between

Part of a dance bit I want more

Your lips by my ear

Whispering words, I no longer know

All I have is the feeling of want,

Of need

I still hear your soothing voice

Calming my panic

Inability to stay calm stabs me

Even know I think of it

It's been months

And yet you consume me

The press of your hands

Holding me as you showed your scars

I thought about it then

Crossing that line

Opening up about my wants, needs

Instead I hid myself away

Making everything infinitely worse

I sit here waiting for you