synopsis: you desperately look for something that no men can give you.
contents: not proofread, angst with barely any comfort, internalized homophobia, reader is in a relationship with a man, reader is mentioned to have had a lot of previous relationships with men, reader is a lesbian but is too scared to admit.
You look to your side to see the man breathing heavily in his sleep. He's chest moves up and down, shining with droplets of sweat.
You get up to run a shower, the feeling of his skin on yours still lingers on your cells. He didn't exactly touch you — you try to avoid it —, you only gave him a blowjob. But the idea of him still on you makes you nauseous.
When the hot water reaches your closed eyes, all you can think about is her. The auburn haired woman that haunts your dreams, your steps, your life.
Always staring from afar; at the frat parties, she watches as you walk in your boyfriend's arms; at the games, she watches how you cheer for him and when he wins, she watches how he holds you up and kisses you.
She's always observing you, like fire observes a moth circling it. And you're the moth. You're the moth that yearns for a fire to call yours, for a fire to get you entertained, a fire that won't become ashes once you're close enough. You want a fire that burns you, that makes you its ashes.
You desperately look for something that can catch your attention more than your men do.
Your reputation isn't the best: always in the arms of a man for no longer tha six months before going to the next one. You're looking for something, something you're not sure of yet.
Ellie is a hint of what you're looking for, but you're not ready to accept that all you've been seeking all this time — male attention — isn't what you actually wanted or needed.
When you leave the bathroom, towel around your body, the first thing you do is dial her number — because you would never save her contact — and call her.
You call her like you always do when he sleeps, because you can't bear her absence.
It rings one time before she picks up and you can hear her hoarse sleepy voice. You close his door and sit on the living room's floor, towel falling from your body and covering the floor you're on.
"Why are you up this late, love?" she asks, her voice small through the phone speaker. You can picture her hands brushing the sleep out of her pretty eyes.
"I miss you" your voice is sweet, thick like honey.
She sighs and you bite your inner lip, anxious about her next words.
You can feel how her breath changes, how she holds back to not spit off everything she wants to say to you.
You don't even put on a pair of clothes, you just tie the towel around your body and leave his place once she texts you saying she arrived.
The hot tears already threaten to fall, but you can't let that happen, not now.
From the driver's seat she opens the door for you, frowning when looking at your body.
You close the door and the pout that forms on your mouth is involuntarily. Your hands goes to your face to hide the tears that began to fall.
"Hey, hey. What happened baby? Come here" she holds your hands and takes them away from your face, holding you between her hands like you're the most precious thing in the world.
You shake your head no. Not wanting to talk about it, because you know it will only make you cry more.
You sniff before trying to form coherent words.
"He disgusts me. Every time he touches me I want to take off my skin. I can't do this anymore" you keep on shaking your head, tears running down your face
Ellie bites her inner lip and you can see the moment it all click inside her head. She swallows hard.
"Leave him" she says without hesitation, for the hundredth time.
You shake your head again, eyes closing and cheek pressing against her hand.
She huffs and takes her hands out of your face, holding the steering wheel hard enough to make her fingers go white.
Your sobs grow louder. "I can't Ellie, I can't do this"
She punches the steering wheel. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You hate him! Why do you keep doing this to me?"
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ellie."
You hug your legs and let your tears wet them.
"Does he know about me?" she presses the back of her head against the seat and closes her eyes.
"Didn't you say he went through your phone last time you stood him up? What about the pictures that you keep?"
"I keep them in a locked folder"
"Baby it's not safe for you to stay with him. Leave him, even if it's not to come to me, leave him."
"I can't. He's already suspicious of something. What if he tells people I like girls?"
"What about it? Is there something wrong about liking girls?"
"I don't know, Ellie. I really don't. I was told all my life that it is wrong, that it is a sin."
She reaches for your hand and pulls you on her lap, sitting on your side on her lap.
"But you like me, don't you?" she asks, brushing her lips sweetly against your cheek.
"I more than like you, Ellie. I adore you." She smiles against your skin, eyes closed.
"And do you feel wrong about it?" Ellie kisses your temple, lips wandering on your face.
"Sometimes yes. But only if I think too much about it."
"So don't think too much baby, just be with me. Let 'em talk. Who gives a shit?"
She stops for a second, then kisses the side of your mouth.
"I can not give a shit about it for us both."
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