Lil boy !

the knock on the door was hard and sudden and woke up jj instantly. penelope stayed asleep. jj sat up and rubbed her eyes, she’d fallen asleep in emily’s bed but there was no emily, only her little sister and all her stuffies. she felt herself older but not by much. she stretched and slid out from under the covers before heading to the stairs to try get a sneak peak at who had knocked. she could hear her mama talking.

“you can’t be here right now,” emily said to the stranger at the door.

“she’s my daughter, i can’t pay her a visit?”

“not without permission. you know this sandy-“

sandy? it was jj’s mum. her throat went tight and she felt herself instantly going to that headspace she hated. she wanted to be sick. she needed to be sick. she hadn’t seen her mom in 3 years, ever since the restraining order had been put into place.

“sandy i can call the police.”

“oh please, just let me see my daughter.”

“no can do.”

“emily.”

“sandy.”

“fine. i’ll go but i’ll be back.”

and that’s what terrified jj. is her mother knew their new address, her mother very much could come back at any point.

“jj, is that you?” emily asked when she made sure sandy had left the premises. she turned to the girl curled up at the top of the stairs, sobbing into her knees.

“she found me,” she cried out. penelope then came out of the bedroom, smaller than before. she was confused why her sister was crying, who had found her?

“jj she won’t come back. i’m going to call the police and get this figured out.”

“no she will come back. she’s going to come get me, take me away!” jj sobbed.

“no jay, that won’t happen.”

“emily it will!” jj cried out! she got up from the stairs and charged to her bedroom .

“jay,” emily called out, heading after as quick as she could but was met with a door slamming in her face.

“jj otay?” penelope asked sadly, pulling at her caregivers shirt.

“oh pen,” emily sighed and turned around. she took the girl into her arms and held her tight and penelope hid her head in her neck. she hated seeing her sister hurt. so hurt.

that was hours ago and jj hadn’t left her room since and it worried emily. she was notorious for a lot of bad things when in this headspace and although her room had been checked for drugs and alcohol they hadn’t done a sharp objects sweep in a while and emily couldnt get it out of her head. derek was on his way over to look after penelope but pen wouldn’t leave the house without knowing her sister was okay.

emily had made penelope a snack to keep her occupied and decided to bed upstairs.

that was how we got to the current predicament. emily knocked softly and opened the door. jj was lying on the bed with her headphones on, curled up against the wall, in her safest place. having a bed in the corner made everything safer.

“how you feeling kiddo?” emily asked and jj glared at her; she hated nicknames.

“jay,” emily sighed and jutted out her hip.

“don’t want to talk. leave me alone.”

“jj, i have to make sure you’re safe can you at least come downstairs?”

“no.”

“jj, i can’t keep an eye on you up here.”

“you don’t need to, fuck off.”

at that, penelope appeared behind her caregiver and jj let out a mighty groan. penny whimpered and emily reached out to hold the younger girls hand.

“emily, just get out!! both of you! out!” jj screamed and threw the pillow at the door where her two bestest friends stood.

“jj, i know you’re upset but-“

“are your deaf? fuck off emily!” another pillow was thrown in emily’s direction. penelope whimpered from behind her caregiver.

“both of you,” jj added, more quieter and emily sighed. she turned around and put a hand on penelope’s shoulder.

“come on love, let’s give jj her space,” she said. penelope looked at emily, pleading her to stay and help her big sister who was so clearly in a lot of emotional pain but emily shook her head. jj was in no way able to communicate right now, not effectively at least. they had to give her space.

not an hour later, derek arrived but even two caregivers weren’t enough to keep an eye on the sneaky penelope. while derek went to the toilet and emily prepared dinner, pen gathered up as many stuffies as she could, two colouring books and her pencil case before scurrying up the stairs to her sisters room. she didn’t both knocking.

jj sat there with a scowl on her face as she took in the sight of penelope. pen shut the door with her foot and came further into the room. she dropped the things at the foot of the bed and jj moved her knees closer to her chest. she didn’t want to colour but she couldn’t turn down penelope.

“i came with some things to make you feel better,” penelope said in her sweet little voice.

“don’t want it,” jj grumbled and turned away.

“jj, no be grumpy,” penelope said and climbed onto the bed, she crawled beside her sister.

“leave me lone,” jj whispered and turned more toward the wall.

“no.” penelope said stubbornly. she crossed her arms and legs and faced jj. jj whimpered. “i not leaving.”

“why? i’m no good anyway.” jj sighed.

“cus you need a friend an i your best one,” penelope said. she reached over and grabbed jj’s favourite stuffie her teddy bear which looked just like your traditional teddy bear. it was jj’s favourite toy of all time.

“this you next best one,” penelope said and handed it over. jj whimpered.

“don’t want that pen.”

“take it, for cuddles.”

“don’t want to,” jj whimpered louder.

“it make you feel good.”

“no!” jj shouted suddenly. she desperately wanted to cuddle it but she felt so embarrassed in this headspace. she wanted to colour but she couldn’t. she wanted to cuddle with pen but couldn’t. she wanted to do it all and be nice to her little sister who was only trying to help but couldn’t. she felt useless and stupid. penelope sighed and crossed her arms on a huff and the door opened again. it was emily and derek.

“what’s going on here?” emily asked in her strong voice.

“nothing,” penelope said, glaring at jj.

“penelope, jj?” derek asked, looking between them.

“nothing, she said,” jj sassed. she climbed off the bed in a huff, knocking the colouring books and most of the stuffies off the bed in the process. she stormed to the bathroom but emily grabbed her wrist before she could.

“let go; need a wee.” jj whimpered and pulled at her arm.

“jj,” emily warned.

“just a wee for gods sake!” jj screamed and ripped her hand away, she went into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind her. emily sighed and turned to penelope.

“what did i tell you about giving her space young lady?”

“mama i jus wanted to see her. be there for her!” penelope replied.

“but i gave you specific instructions to leave her alone.”

“she need friends.”

“she needs alone time.”

“i don’t always need to be alone,” jj said from the bathroom door. she shook her hands dry and walked through the room.

“jj you told me to fuck off.”

“that was earlier. pen can stay. you and derek can leave,” jj explained. she got herself comfy on the bed again, hiding in the corner and emily looked at her sadly but didn’t argue.

“dinner will be ready in 20.”

the caregivers left and jj sighed. she watched as penelope piled her teddies back onto the bed.

“sorry,” jj muttered.

“no need be. they all fall all the time, they clumsy.”

jj couldn’t help but let out a crack of a smile.

“clumsy huh?”

“yeah they always fall off my bed too,” penelope explained. “it’s just cus they’re stuffed.”

“oh yeah; stuffing does that,” jj teased. penelope nodded and smiled and sat back in her spot.

“you wan cuddle?” penelope asked and opened her arms. she tapped her lap and jj sighed. she did want a cuddle, not a proper one though- that was embarrassing. instead, she laid her head down on penelope’s lap and let the younger girl run her fingers through her hair.

“i know your mum is scary,” penelope said, almost coming out of her headspace now.

“pen you- you don’t have to,” jj said, going to sit up but penelope held her down.

“i’m here for you.”

“you can do both.”

“i know and i am. i know your mum is scary but you don’t need to act so hostile towards us all okay?”

jj sighed, she hated how she treated everyone. “i know i just get so angry.”

“i know but mama always says to take deep breaths when we’re angry.”

jj whimpered. penelope was right. “i’m sorry i got so angry at you penny, you don’t deserve that.”

“it okay sis. i understand,” she whispered, slipping again now.

“i love you penny,” jj sighed. she never said things like that in her headspace and penelope knew that. she smiled wide.

“i love you.”

not long after, emily entered again.

“dinners ready downstairs, come on you two,” she said, smiling softly at the cuddles they were having, jj was half asleep on penelope’s knee. penelope slid out from under jj and headed off downstairs and emily waited patiently for jj to move. she did so, slowly. she rubbed her eyes and whimpered, looking up at her caregiver sadly.

“you okay?” emily asked, knowing her girl was in fact not okay. and at the question, a flood of tears came. emily sighed sadly and walked over to her little one and sat beside her, jj curled herself up and emily pulled her into her side. jj tried to fight but emily was having none of it, she held her little one with a closeness of love and promise.

“mama’s here,” emily whispered and pulled jj’s cross her lap. jj clung to her caregiver.

“mama’s right here, you’re so so safe.”

“jj bad.”

“jj isn’t bad baby,” emily sighed and rubbed her girls back. “she’s so good but just hurting and that’s okay. it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to have big feelings.”

“was mean.”

“you was mean but i know you feel bad about it and i know you want to say sorry and i also know you’ve already said sorry to penelope. everything is going to be okay.”

“jj scared.”

“oh baby you don’t need to be scared. mama is going to keep you so so safe.”

“even from mum?”

“especially from her my little love. you’re safe with mama, okay?”

“otay,” jj whispered and cuddled into her caregivers neck, feeling smaller than she has all day.

“mamas got you,” emily whispered and held her girl tighter. “i’m right here.”