I've had a lot of time over the past few days, to reflect and ponder Me. I have always known several things about myself. Over the years those things have not changed, if anything, they have grown, even in years that I emotionally stayed stagnant. These things make me who I am, they are the reason people love me, and they are the best attributes that I possess.
I am an Empath. I love people, not just those who love me back, but everyone. (now, there are a select few that have done certain heinous things to me, that no longer deserve my empathy, and I have added them to a list of people that I despise. Once you are on that list, you don't come off) Being an empath is tremendously rewarding and the hardest thing I've ever done.
I am submissive. Notice I didn't say I was "A" submissive, rather it is in the making of my DNA and is literally who I am. It isn't a part I play, or a title I assume, or even necessarily something that has to be mentioned in my relationship. It isn't a BDSM centered thing, it is ME, and it is never going to change because I can't remove my DNA.
I have boundaries. Not many, I am pretty laid back when it comes to what I will deal with and what is a deal breaker. The biggest and probably main boundary that I have is, I REFUSE to sacrifice or give up so much that someone else is happy, taken care of, etc. and I am left feeling small and miserable. I will literally do most anything and go along with most any decision so that others will be content. But I won't be miserable while everyone around me is satisfied. If there isn't a way to make sure that I am also happy, content, satisfied, etc. then I don't and won't be a part of it. Another boundary of mine, is I expect to be treated with basic human decency. This means, that I expect to be talked to, treated, and generally considered and worried about like any other human. Human decency doesn't involve titles, it is simply given becuase you are another human being. It can be taken away if that human is evil, or makes decisions that make them undeserving of it. If I am not evil, and I definitely haven't done anything to not deserve it, then I expect it.
I am okay with being alone. Do I prefer it? No, but I will be alone and content, before I am with anyone and feeling like I don't matter at all. I DO matter. I matter to ME, and that is enough. If I am not important enough to someone, for them to respect me, talk to me like I am someone and not like I am the piece of gum or dirt on their shoe, then I would rather be alone.
I am no longer going to stress myself out to make things happen for other people. I will spend a few moments trying to help, but I am done running myself ragged and then none of my efforts being appreciated.
I am an emotional being. When the universe designed me, it put in me the ability to show my emotions and not bottle them up. If my ability to show my emotions is hard for someone, then I suggest they not look at me if I am upset, angry, happy, excited, etc. I have big feelings and emotions. I am PROUD of that.
I have a lot to work on as far as recovering from 2 abusive marriages, and it isn't going to be an overnight transformation. I have 32 years of junk, trauma, abuse, negligence, abandonment, and a slew of other things that I didn't ask for, to deal with. I am beginning to deal with it, and those who are patient and kind and respectful, are appreciated.
I am a lot to take in, love, deal with, etc. I am the first person to admit that, however, I am also the person who will love you through literally the good, the bad, the ugly, the confused, the unsure, the insecure, etc. etc. I deserve to be treated like a QUEEN, especially if I treat you like a KING. A lot of the attributes that I have, are viewed as weak, scary, other names that I wouldn't call anyone, and that is ok. Only the real and good people will get to see it. A transformation is taking place though, and I would hate for someone to miss it. It is going to be something out of this world. I am worthy, deserving, a QUEEN, kind, Submissive in my very nature of being human, and I want to share that with someone. Cris, I know that things are not playing out like you would have hoped and /or expected them to. I know that this situation puts a lot of strain and worry upon your shoulders. I am here to say, that You do not have to take me on as another thing to overload your brain. I am perfectly happy with whatever makes us happy and makes our relationship flourish. I know this was long guys, and if you made it this far, I sincerely thank you for reading and hope that you will be able to use anything that I've written. As always, Be Like A Phoenix XOXO
