Life With Kassie

Okay…you got me; I didn’t quit my job today. I probably won’t quit my job tomorrow, either. And at the end of tomorrow, I will walk through my front door disappointed in myself.  “I didn’t quit my job today,” I’ll mutter to the happy dog jumping up at me, though it’ll be thinking aloud more than anything. I’ll admit, this sounds a little dramatic. Who actively decides they want to quit their job and then just...doesn’t?

 Me. (and probably anyone else with severe anxiety)

That’s who.

 I don’t have a particularly challenging job, neither mentally nor physically. I don’t have a particularly fast-paced job. I wouldn’t even go as far as to say that I hate my job (though it does have its moments, believe me.)

 The pay is decent.

It’s a 5-minute drive from my house.

I have no annoying co-workers.

 Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Allow me to explain the flip side of things.

 The pay is decent, but that’s all it is. I have a 4-year college degree and am certainly not using it in my current situation, that’s for sure. Don’t get me wrong; I am grateful to have any income at all – I know others aren’t so lucky. I’m not complaining about the money. I’m complaining about the fact that I, myself, seem to completely lack the ability to do something better with my life. Others make it look so easy…

 Even I have to admit that leaving my house 10 minutes before I need to be at work is a perk. It’s where I drive to that isn’t so nice. My “office” is located in the basement of a gas station. No, really. You pull around the gas station and walk down the stairs through the door to my dungeon. (That’s the best description for it – a dungeon.) It is cluttered and dusty and gross. There are pipes and wires sticking out everywhere. Every few days, a new leak magically appears from somewhere. It’s cold and damp despite the heater I keep at my feet & the dehumidifier kept running at all times. I’m not even granted a lunch break as a reprieve from it.

 It’s true that I have no annoying co-workers, but it’s also worth mentioning that I have no co-workers at all. I work in the office of a small trucking company so of course there are other employees I deal with on a day-to-day basis but in that cold, damp basement? It’s just me. Everything is my responsibility. Permitting the trucks? Me. Billing for the houses we haul? Me. Payroll for each employee? Me. Not to mention the plethora of various little tasks also assigned to me day in and day out. It’s all me.

 Now, remember I told you that my job isn’t particularly challenging. Even with everything on my plate, that holds true. None of it is hard; it’s just too much.

 It’s too much knowing that no one else in the company knows how to do what I do, regardless of the fact that I had less than a week of “training.” No one else in the company seems to be able to do anything for him or herself. There’s much more to this story as I’m sure you’ve probably assumed. However, the rest of my desire to leave this job is something I’d rather not fully discuss here.

 Just know that I wake up every morning and think, “this is not what I want to do with my life.”

I spend every day 9-5 getting more and more frustrated. More and more irritated by the second, but continue to push it back and bottle it up.

I come home at the end of every day, even the best of days, disappointed in myself all over again.

I go to bed every night dreading the next day.

 I know that there are many people that feel like this about the jobs they have. I also know some people don’t have the luxury of just leaving jobs that they’re lucky to have in the first place. Leaving this job terrifies me. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, and no clue where my next source of income will come from.

 So no, I didn’t quit my job today.

But what I did do is take the tiniest half step toward doing just that.

 It probably wasn’t done in the most graceful of ways. My anxiety often prevents me from doing things with the dignity I’d like to.

 However, much to my own shock, I did something I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of; I spoke up and said, “I don’t think this job is working out for me. Maybe you should start looking for someone else.”

 And not only did I somehow manage to say it – I was heard.

I was told, “You’re doing a great job. I don’t think this job is too hard for you.”

(Never mind the fact that this same person was just being condescending about how I’m not doing my job ‘right’ – that’s a different story.)

I told her the same thing that I told you: the job is not too hard, it’s. too. much.

All said and done, it was more of an open-ended, half quit.

 But that’s okay.

 Because now, they know I’m unhappy. They know I don’t plan to stay.

Now, when I hand in a formal resignation, it won’t come as much of a shock as it would have before.

 Leaving scares the hell out of me.

I have a wedding to save for and multiple fur-children that depend on me.

And yet,

 How many times can one wake up and say, “This is not what I want to do with my life,” and then continue to do it?

 Other people take charge of their own lives all the time. It’s time for me to take charge of mine.

 Starting with telling you that I did not quit my job today.

I probably will not quit my job tomorrow, either.

 I can’t wait for the day that I can come on here to say,

I quit my job today, and actually mean it.

 I hope you’ll be as proud of me as I will be when that day comes.

For now, just know that I’m working on it.

I’m working toward creating my own happiness this year; I hope you are too.

Because we all deserve to be happy…don’t we?

   Talk to you soon.

We’ve all heard that one before, amiright? Some of us have even said it. If you’re like me, you may have gone previous years feeling annoyed at that darling little phrase. Why even is that? I guess that’s a question I can only answer for myself – I can’t speak for us all. Maybe it’s because I’ve had many resolutions in past years only to let myself down by January 2nd. Maybe there’s some jealousy toward the people who were successful with their resolutions from last New Year and I knew they’d be successful once again with the new resolution they’ve proudly posted all over Facebook for themselves. Maybe I get irritated at the cliché of it all. Maybe it’s a little bit of all of those things, but the one thing they DO have in common? Those “reasons,” if we can even call them that – I see them more as excuses now – they’re all on me. I have no one to blame but myself for feeling any of those ways. Typing them out makes me feel even more petty and stupid, because admitting those things makes me seem like a terrible person. Perhaps you’re reading this now and can resonate with everything I’ve just said. If that’s the case, then I have good news for you: This year is different. For me. For you. For us.

 What makes this year different? This New Years Eve, for the first time in my life, I proudly proclaimed new year, new me. Did I post it all over Facebook for the world to see? No, but I also didn’t cringe at every post that I saw about how great 2018 was and how much better 2019 was going to be. Instead, I welcomed those posts with open arms. Seeing everyone uplifted and positive filled me with joy and made my heart happy. What inspired this change in me going into 2019, I can’t quite say; maybe there’s a certain maturity that comes with reaching the ripe old age of 24. But no matter what the cause, this is a change for the better that I can feel good about.

 (Before I get too ahead of myself, it’s entirely possible that my newfound positivity and burst of energy is riding on the high spectrum of the depression wave that I tend to ride. I’m telling myself that that is okay – I am going to ride it for as long as possible and if there’s a crash, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. That’s the end of this disclaimer. Thanks for letting me be honest with you.)

 If you’ve read this far into my rambling of thoughts, I know you’re probably thinking – “well, did you make a new year’s resolution or not?” In a way, I guess I did. And if you didn’t, you can too; it’s not too late. I’ll even let you steal mine. Are you ready?

In 2019, I’m choosing to be happy. For someone who ‘hated’ the cliché of it all, that seems a little hypocritical, don’t you think? That’s ok, too. I’m embracing the cliché. Say it one more time with me to really drive it home: In 2019, I’m choosing to be happy.

 Of course that’s easier said than done. Most things in life are. But I have made a very conscious decision to live this year for myself. I’m terrible at doing things for myself – maybe you can relate to that too. The depression wave I mentioned earlier? That comes with high and low tides of severe anxiety, as well. I am terrible at decision-making. I am terrible at even the mere thought of disappointing other people in my life. I am terrible at putting myself first. I live in a constant state of worrying what other people will think of my actions, my lifestyle, and me as a person in general. Sound familiar? I hope not. But if it does, welcome to 2019: the year of being honest with ourselves. The year that we stop envisioning the people we would like to be – 2019 is the year that we become that person for ourselves. Don’t you think we owe ourselves that much?

 So let’s talk about what’s making this year different for me.

 I’ve started this blog.

This is a huge step for me. I actually ~made~ this blog months ago with the intention of starting to post things that probably nobody actually cares about. The idea of someone actually reading this extensive word-vomit that I’ve just plucked from the ramblings in my brain is terrifying. I suppose that might be kind of the point; in a way, I’m killing two birds with one stone. Is there not a quote somewhere in the universe that says, “If it scares you, it’s probably worth doing”? I think that’s a thing, and this definitely scares me. On the flip side, word-vomiting this all out helps to make sense of the thoughts flying through my head. I have to give myself props for the balance of it all. While it’d be cool if someone did read this and maybe even took something away from it, this blog is largely for myself and I have made the decision to try and post one blog weekly. That shouldn’t be too difficult, right? Stay tuned.

 I bought a fancy planner.

Yes, I know, lots of people buy planners. Some people use them, some people don’t. I absolutely fall into the category of people who buy fancy planners and do not use them. But what’s our new motto? This year is different. I’ve already sat down and filled my January section with all of my appointments, important birthdays, and even my meal prep for the entire month. Which brings me to the next item on the list…

 I’m eating clean.

This is something I yo-yo with more than I’d like to admit over the course of the year. Sometimes I have stretches where I am super good about it, and then there are other (much longer) stretches where I eat like an asshole on the regular. I am by no means going to go crazy and plunge my body into ketosis or become vegan overnight [zero hate for the awesome people who live those valid lifestyles], but I am going to be much more conscious of the way I treat my body. That means things like getting all of my veggies in during the day, drinking plenty of water (but not too much, because that is a ~thing~ I struggle with – do not judge me), and of course…

 I’m taking my fitness seriously.

I love going to the gym. Honestly, I’m not just saying that. But much like my eating habits, I’m just not very consistent. Chalk it up to laziness or…well, no, laziness is pretty much the only thing I can think to blame it on. Regardless, I have been going to the gym since my high school years. This year, however, I am making it a point to be consistent. Like I said earlier, I’m being very self-aware in the way that I treat my body these days and, let’s just be truthful here, my body is overwhelmingly happier when I exercise. That’s a simple fact that some of us tend to blissfully ignore or lie to ourselves about. But c’mon – exercise releases endorphins, endorphins make you feel happy, and in 2019 we’re choosing to be happy. Remember?

 There you have it. Maybe I didn’t post my resolution or my goals to Facebook for family and friends to see, but I did just lay them all out for you here. (Maybe not all of them, I’m sure more small goals will pop up. It is only January 1st, after all.) Getting back to the idea of this whole blogging thing – if you’ve made it this far, I truly thank you. I thought writing this would be difficult, and instead the words just kept flowing until here we are, so many words later. I haven’t yet decided what the focus of my blog posts will be about. Truthfully, I can’t promise that they will follow any sort of theme. But I’ll tell you what, I will make it a point to keep you updated on this resolution of mine throughout the year. I did say that I’d like to post at least once a week, though, so I better start thinking up more topics pretty quickly. I’ll come up with something else that probably nobody actually cares about, I promise.

 One more time before I wrap this up:

In 2019, we are choosing to be happy.

 Don’t forget it. Write it on your bathroom mirror or tape it to the front of your fridge. If we say it enough, maybe we can at least trick ourselves into believing it.

  Talk to you soon.