My Life In Chunks

Not sure I understand how I’ve been feeling. I feel like I've been having a tennis match within me - my emotions/feelings that have been bouncing back and forth have been “happiness/enjoyment”, “personality loneliness”, & “motivation”.

I naturally have enjoyed life all my life. I still do. More of the time, I wake up feeling good - glad God breathed His breath of life into me - blessed to be living the life I live with the support system I have and the financial blessings that put me “higher” in life than those less fortunate. I am extremely thankful and appreciative for the life I live. But I have just been on and off with this internal war zone of feelings, it’s at the point where I’m catching myself in these spacial holes (i.e. playing COD solo online and after 2 matches I just sit in the lobby and kinda stare off and begin contemplating if I just wanna go to bed or lay back and watch anime or something - OR i.e. I wake up and KNOW that I planned to do a workout but I end up pushing it back further and further in the day to where I sometimes just skip the whole day tbh - too caught up in asking myself “what’s the use? Yes I am blessed with the ability to do so, but there's some overpowering weight on me making me think “ehh, know one will know if I’ll do it or not... I don’t even know if I even want to do this anymore....”)

Idk if that even really made sense - I’ll have to read it again tomorrow lol. It’s wild what expressing emotions can do huh. Just typing out what I felt was wrong or off with me helped me feel a little better...

This all was how I was thinking and feeling around this time yesterday. Today I just feel worthless tbh... But, keep on goin 👍🏾 (whatever tf it means).

First day going strong!

Started the day off by speaking with my advisor in depth about PhD possibilities. Always exciting talking about academia to individuals that love it as much as I do, aside the ya know - terrible price of education in this world (country from my POV). Paying thousands of dollars to LEARN things... Knowledge really is power. Starting to think that term came from the first dudes that began making education expensive...lol. Spoke a lot about having a focus and passion toward what you’re doing is VITAL in PhD. Will have thoughts and second guesses but overall needs to be something you’re deeply passionate about because doing research and whatnot for a topic one doesn’t really care about (i.e. doing group projects in undergrad classes) is VERY hard. But was a good talk - gained a better scope moving forward

BUT was a good start to the day, purchased a textbook I need for one of my classes and the other I don’t need one (thank GOD). Week one should be easy - excited to (safely) see my athletes (the ones that walk into the office lol) again! :D

Man... yesterday we lost a true hero to the people... Chadwick Boseman. As I roughly explained to my good friend from high school - personally this loss hit me in a different way. Being a fan of comics/video games/anime/Sy-Fi/specific types of pop culture (nerd or weed or whatever they call us) (a proud nerd at that🤓✊🏾), growing up - I was aware that Black people aren’t represented very well. In the world media, in video games, in comics - there were always a few stereotypes that creators MADE SURE to put in when making Black characters. If not one - they give them another (or all). However, being such a fan of anime/video game/comic culture - I felt with it for years. Up till the first trailers of the BP movie, only Black characters I thought was kinda cool represented (not really all that much) was Blade & War Machine (idk if I'm missing others I thought of). Even then, Blade was made a WHILE ago, and War Machine isn’t even much of a main character - they never went into his personal life or nothin really for him. Just an important side character - that did more upon seeing him get hurt than he did to bad guys in the actual film (if that makes sense)!!!

Anyway - moving on, the BP movie gave the WORLD a BLACK KING as an icon. Marvel did genius bringing the BP to the cinematic universe. Not only did it help their pockets, but it also gave an image of a TRUE BLACK KING; T’Challa showed respect, was kind, cared about his people, showed him at his greatest-worst-then rise back to even greater (showing that everyone goes through trials and tribulations), a master at hand to hand combat, s DOPE ass suit, amazing symbolism relating to the real world panthers, and I could keep going on. The time CA Civil War was out and showed his action and importance and part of his life unfolding (I think that was before he was king technically), it sparked my want for stronger, more prominent and overall better - representation in this world!

It inspired me to want to showcase myself better and hold myself to a higher standard. Reminding myself that mainstream media and the world do not dictate who we truly are. Every Black superhero doesn’t need to have dreds, or lightning powers or some sort of set back (Victor in DC becoming Cyborg, Jax in MK getting his cyber arms), they can be a fantastic balanced person and as well have a DIFFERENT power than those - and has thousands of other attributes that make him the greatest Black Superhero. Honestly, upon reading more comics and whatnot throughout life, I’m gonna say he's the best (overall, balance of everything) (but I do need to read more of BP comics to get a better opinion.)

🙏🏾RIP TO A LEGENDARY, INSPIRATIONAL & PHENOMAL INDIVIDUAL✊🏾

Pretty excited to be in the learning environment/gear again. I thoroughly enjoy learning of all kinds - like they told us to be in elementary school be a “life-long-learner.” One of the most truthful things I picked up as a young kid - you should never stop being a student. Be a student of life - therefore even when teaching - you’ll discover new things about yourself or others or the world etc. 

Giving up the want to learn forces you to be closed minded. Random (perhaps not), side thought I always have is how would my view and thought on the world be different If I wasn’t born and brainwashed (raised) in the public (and some private) American school system? Being in a relationship with a (beautiful wonderful amazing), woman that didn’t have the same education as me - biggest difference for the sake of the convo - because she wasn’t living in America really till college. We all look back at our HS selves and say,” Wow, that really was me at that time of my life?” We’re all shocked in awe that our high school self - is still a version of ourselves. From senior year HS and before - we really don’t know shit 😂 Actually, I honestly didn’t really even begin to fully understand myself and the world more till about 2nd-3rd year of college - and thinking currently, I felt like I was DUMB as rocks compared to who I am now!🤣

A friend of mine posted on her instagram that it’s important to look at yourself completely when comparing yourself to your past self, we all have to remember that we grow in more ways than JUST physically. We develop, gain more information, change taste buds, change personalities, we are ever-changing people.

ANYWAY - classes starting next week has me excited, no clue what we’re doing for practice still but 🤷🏾‍♂️ lol. I’ve still been feeling hella drowsy tho. Tbh my motivation has been scraaaaping the barrel - I don’t wanna work, I don’t wanna get outta bed, I barley wanna play video games bc my time zone makes me mad earlier than all my homies, I barley wanna work out - everything just seems SO damn exhausting yo... Idk what it is, but I’m getting tired of not knowing why I feel this way. I know a lot of my stirred up emotions are thanks to the garbage ass “Police Force” in our country. The racism is soooo apparent.... I’ll touch on that next time lol I can go on that for days yo.

Campus is set up mad differently. But it’s good to be back involved in something again. Ya boy was getting a bit stir crazy just CHILLIN around since March(🤔). I hope this one sticks - I would like to journal as many days as I can come this final year here at SUNY Cortland. Enjoying the days of warm weather while we last - Emily hard at work 6days of the week - bravo to her, she the 🐐 at work tbh. Love her.

I’m actually quite excited for this upcoming chapter of life. Being in Kentucky really revamped my energy in a way - aligned my spirit closer to where it should be. Being there for those two weeks really taught me how much like my parents I am, how COOL my parents are (spiritually, mentally, emotionally) - they’re so (idk how to say this without saying it) - WOKE. Yes they have MUCH more information about life because they’ve been around longer - but I mean idk they just have the right answers to everything it seems!🙌🏾 And they know each other so well - it’s almost adorable how good of a team they are. If they were in an anime -they’d definitely be that couple that’s mad nice to everyone even the more evil ones - but as SOON as they’re done wrong/someone crosses the line, they TURN IT ON. Like become the strongest beings ever lol.

Another big trippy part about the Kentucky trip - was ACTUALLY being an older brother! Being the youngest in my family for 20-22(?) years definitely shapes your mind in a different way - I’ve found out so many little things about myself that I didn’t really even know existed before. Being with Jurassic Jerry (Jeremiah) definitely taught me PATIENTS. I happened to pick up meditation upon my first workout at the beautiful castle of a house - I play Waiting In Vein by Bob Marley, close my eyes, sit criss-cross with my hands on my knees palms facing up or down depending on my mood/feeling, and do concentration breathing (yes copied from Demon Slayer). It honestly feels really good after - if I was wheezing from my sleep or a workout - it calms my body and gets it back by a rhythm. It also helps me control myself throughout my day - helping me in moments of frustration or some sort of aggravation. I am able to take deep breathes - and get through it without conflict🙌🏾 That’s a big plus for me because hella shit pisses me off in the world lol.

Being there also made me more inspired again to workout consistently. Re-sparked a dwindling spark that was not necessarily going away but definitely was maaaad confused and unmotivated. MAN I can’t wait for the PS5 and the games accompanying 🤯 - I reallllly gotta learn how to get my finances in check - I gotta start saving yo - frfr.... never know when life gonna turn into a battlefield where everyone is only worth the dollar amount to their name (wait - I we might be there already lol). 

Welp - let’s see how this week goes! Gotta make sure to workout today🤙🏾